"It's On, Bitch."
- The Wedding
- Audrina and JB broke up...for good
- Lauren wasn't going to the wedding, but then did.
- Kristin showed up and announced that she needed a man.
Here we go...
She-Pratt, Audrina and Lo meet at TART for lunch for some scripted gossip. Apparently, the Pratts are throwing themselves a "welcome back from our honeymoon" party. That is so something they would do. Lo dishes that Kristin has a house in Malibu this summer and is coming to the party (DRAMA!!). They divulge some facts about Kristin that we may have forgotten, never knew, or didn't care about. First, Kristin is a maneater, boy magnet, boyfriend stealer... you get the idea. She doesn't care what you think and she's not afraid to get in your face. Apparently she slapped LC in front of some club. AND, she's Brody's ex-girlfriend and it was totally serious because he "doesn't have girlfriends" (which is dumb because he has one now) and he "bought her a dog". Who knew? Note to self: Dog = Girlfriend. Conclusion: They aren't sure they are going to be Kristin's friend but they will give her the benefit of the doubt. I wonder how long that will last...
The Pratt's are now driving a black Porsche Cayenne and having a deep conversation about Tequila. According to Heidi, married people don't drink tequila. Sponge Bob clarifies that it's Platinum Patron, which apparently is the married people exception. Heidi moves on to the party they're throwing and talks about how wonderful it is that everyone can FINALLY come to one of their parties - Brody, Kristin, Stephanie, Jayde, Audrina, etc. (clearly a dig at LC now that she's moved onward and upward). Again, message to viewers, KRISTIN IS SINGLE! Sponge Bob plants the seed that Audrina will be pissed because JB - catch that he is - is gonna get "SWOOPED" by Kristin. Gross.
Now we're at Brody's condo where Brody is annoyed that Jayde is taking too long to get ready. And Jayde is super high maintenance. She comes out wearing a bikini with two bikinis in one hand and about 5 dresses in the other. She can't figure out what to wear. Brody's response is similar to what mine would be in this situation. "Just wear that bikini, put on one of those dresses and let's go!" LOVE IT. Jayde gets all drama and says she doesn't want to go because Brody's ex will be there. (Btw - Brody is no longer "LC's friend". He's "Kristin's ex". HA!) Brody totally downplays his "relationship" with Kristin. Apparently, giving her a dog did not indicate the seriousness that Lo previously thought. Interesting. Brody is confused that Jayde would not want to meet his ex. "Why not?" Dumbass. Don't get me wrong, I don't like Jayde, but Brody is kind of an idiot on this point. Why would anyone WANT to meet their current bf/gf's ex? Brody blows it off and Jayde calls him "shady". Scene.
The 'We're Back From Our Honeymoon' party is at the London hotel in West Hollywood. There's a dramatic set up with Kristin getting in her black BMW and putting on her sunglasses and driving to the hotel. The usual players are at the party: Brody, Frankie, Pratts, She-Pratt, Lo, Audrina, Jayde, JB, random guys. Kristin pulls up ALONE and parks, but then walks into the party with two random friends. It's unclear where they came from...maybe they're extras? (Lo is now "Audrina's friend" and JB is "Audrina's ex-boyfriend" and apparently just going by "Justin" these days...I'm still referring to him as JB). So Kristin walks in and She-Pratt says "Jayde is NOT going to want to see Kristin". I guess Jayde is over the whole 'Brody/Audrina/sex scandel' from last season while she was with Brody and will now focus on Kristin being Brody's ex from several years ago. Weird. Kristin and JB hug and exchange pleasantries while the Mean Girls look on and create drama. They claim that she b-lined for JB, but it didn't really look like that. Audrina is now talking about the "girl code" which states that Kristin "shouldn't even go there". Although it's unclear that Kristin has "gone" anywhere. Oh and Audrina, Kettle...Pot...Black!! I guess the "Girl Code" was enacted AFTER she slept with Brody while he was with Jayde. Oh good Lord!!! Stacie the Bartender is at this party??? WTF!?! Seriously? I don't even know what to say.
She-Pratt walks over to JB to ask if he said hi to Audrina. He says that he and Audrina are cool and She-Pratt disagrees. Kristin jumps in with a "Stephanie, he's cool. I think he can handle it. He's a big boy." Stephanie responds that JB needs to "respect Audrina, bottom line." (I'm still unclear how he was disrespecting her, but somehow I don't think that matters). Stephanie and Kristin go back and forth about respecting Audrina or something equally dumb and irrelevant. Then, Audrina comes in and yells "Why are you talking about me right now?" They recount the stupid discussion to Audrina and then Kristin says that She-Pratt and Audrina are coming at her like "piranhas". This leads to finger-pointing and yelling and then they split up and Kristin yells "It's on, Bitch!" "You f'ed with the wrong girl, dude." "You just f'ed yourself." She-Pratt tells Heidi and Audrina that Kristin is bad news and that she will "stab us all in the back and won't care." This is such a dumb scene and so set up. I can't believe I watch this show.
Next day? She-Pratt and Audrina meet at SOI 56 for coffee and to rehash the events at the party. Audrina claims that because of Kristin's "psychobitch" behavior at the party, she does not like her. Sure, THAT'S what did it. Audrina says that Jayde doesn't need to worry about her and Brody, she needs to worry about Kristin trying to get Brody. She-Pratts exaggerates that "every single girlfriend in LA needs to worry about their boyfriends". She-Pratt invites Audrina to a birthday lunch at some Mexican restaurant for Frankie that Brody and Taylor (new random friend) are throwing. Sure, Frankie - the token brown guy - has a party at a Mexican restaurant. F-ing racists. Anyhow, Audrina says she's not going because Kristin will be there. DRAMA.
The Pratts are looking at a house in Brentwood. REALLY??? Jeez, I'm in the wrong profession. Anyhow, it's totally adorable. It looks like a cottage...hardwood floors, spacious, cute backyard, pool. Heidi LOVES it. The agent mentions a room in the back that could be a 'nursery' and Heidi's eggs start SCREAMING. Sponge Bob is so clearly on the opposite page regarding kids. Heidi says she wants to see the "nursery" and Sponge says " What? That's an empty room with nothing it". HAHA!! Classic. She's ridiculous about how much she wants kids and he's so against it. These two are going to last ... I can feel it.
Pinches Tacos, Frankie's racist birthday lunch. (I LOVE the name of this place!)
Kristin shows up ... late. All the usual suspects are there, except Audrina, of course. OH and including Stacie the Bartender...again, WTF?? Kristin asks JB if he's single and he says that he is. He also assures her that he and Audrina were NEVER fully together...they always had an open relationship. Really? Hmmm...maybe he should re-watch Season 4. They all hang out for awhile and then decide to go across the street to "watch the Laker game". Lo and Stephanie go home, but the rest of the gang heads to the fanciest place to watch a game...XIV, a Michael Minna Restaurant?? Really? Who are these people? Anyhow, they are watching "the game" and Kristin is trying really hard to pretend that she is a die-hard Laker fan and really into this game. JB sits next to her and they flirt, but Kristin is focused on the game so he goes to sit with his friend. Frankie does some match-making and has Kristin move next to JB. She's still faux interested in the game, so she acts like she can't miss a moment. dumb. More flirting ensues and Kristin wants to know how Audrina will feel about the two of them going on a date. JB says that "she shouldn't get mad" because he's an idiot, but then tells Kristin "don't be going on this date out of spite" which demonstrates that he may not be as stupid as he lets on. Who am I kidding? Of course he is...someone probably told him to say that.
So the next scene is the Pratts arriving at a "House for Rent". It's super modern, lots of large picture windows, hard lines, dark gray concrete. Heidi calls it a "Hollywood party house" and says that she thought they talked about a classic house with a white picket fence in the suburbs and that this house is cold and modern and the "last thing she wanted". She also refers to it as a "Porno Pad"! HA! Sponge Bob, being the selfish, d-bag husband that he is, informs her that he already put a deposit down. To her credit, Heidi gets upset that he didn't talk to her about it first and that these are the types of decisions they should be making together. To her discredit, she lets him off the hook and they move in. Weak.
Audrina's house. She-Pratt, Lo and Audrina drink wine and re-cap the latest events. She-Pratt tells Audrina that at Frankie's party (at Pinches Tacos...LOVE IT!) Kristin and JB were totally flirting and that they probably went home together. Audrina is visibly upset and starts to tear up. SERIOUSLY???? It's FREAKIN' JUSTIN BOBBY!!!! Gross, dirty, and I'm sure, smelly JUSTIN BOBBY!!! I simply do not understand.
Oooh!! I love the song... Adele's "Hometown". Love her! Sorry, I got distracted. OK, Kristin and Justin go on their date at STK in LA. At first, it appears that Kristin actually has feelings and will back off. She tells JB that she almost didn't come because of the Audrina factor. She tells JB that Audrina is clearly still in love with him and explains that she understands exactly how she feels. She says that she's been in Audrina's shoes before. Now, I did say "appears" that she has feelings. Not long after that, the flirting picks up where it left off at Frankie's birthday. She informs JB that she "has the best bed" and JB says "we gotta break that thing in someday" to which she replies "that's what I was thinking." GROSS.
That's it. Tune in next week for more....
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