Real Housewives OC, Season Five - FINALE

Last time, Briana doesn't have cancer, Alexis's mom gets a facelift and Lynne's daughters are ungrateful bitches.

TAMRA

Tamra is trying to figure out what she's going to wear to the end of the Summer party with the Housewives. She and Simon are trying to coordinate outfits and she shows Simon a completely backless dress. Simon tells her it looks like something a 20 year old would wear. Ha! He's right. He can't understand why she would even buy something like that. She continues to go through her dresses and he sees one he likes.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen comes home with a total bridal up-do. Her hair is huge and up on top of her head. She's wearing a white dress to the party and Slade says he's wearing a tux. He asks her if he should wear a tux when he proposes and she says that he better not be planning something because her parents should be present when he proposes. Really? I feel like that's a little weird.

TAMRA

Tamra puts on a black dress that looks quite conservative, i.e. no boobies falling out. Simon finds fault - of course - and tells her that it's too short and looks like something Lynne would wear. Wow. Simon tells her it's not age appropriate - and I get that. But it's tasteful and it actually doesn't look that short. She looks good. He should shut up. It's not as short as anything Alexis wears and it doesn't show off any cleavage like stuff she - and all the other women - usually wear.

VICKI

Speaking of not age appropriate, Vicki is wearing a yellow satin SHORT dress that doesn't show cleavage, but is completely backless. Rather than criticize her, Donn tells her she looks smokin' hot because SHE DOES. It's a great dress and she looks really great in it. They all get into the limo and Vicki keeps telling Michael that she wishes he didn't wear jeans. She talks about the Burberry slacks he should have worn - which he can't do anything about now because they are on their way. Then Vicki says "Michael, I really wish you would've worn dress slacks" and Donn says "I believe that point has already been made." LOVE Donn.

TAMRA

Tamra and Simon get into the limo and as Tamra is getting in she tells the driver - who is also a body guard - that she might need him because there might be bitch slapping tonight. Then Simon tells her to get in the car before he bitches slaps HER. Yikes. They get in and start talking about Vicki. Simon says - AGAIN - that he wants her out of their marriage and to stop telling Tamra what to do. Tamra asks what Vicki has told her and Simon says that he doesn't like how Vicki tells Tamra to be a strong, independent woman. Um, why? How is that bad? Tamra, of course, misses that point and tells Simon that she's smart and strong and isn't going to just do what people tell her to do so he shouldn't be mad at Vicki.

Simon disagrees and says that he's seen a change in Tamra over the last two years...since she's been friends with Vicki. Tamra says that people change and it's not just because Vicki told her to change. Simon says that he's not Donn and Tamra isn't Vicki and he just doesn't like who Tamra is right now. He tells her that she talks to him the way Vicki talks to Donn and he doesn't like it. Tamra disagrees and I do, too. I think Tamra is probably more assertive than she was before this whole show started, but I don't think she's turned into Vicki. I also don't think she's disrespectful to Simon. If anything, HE is disrespectful to HER.

Simon says that he wants a respectful wife who acts like she's married and he tells her that she hasn't done that in the past couple of years. She asks for an example because she is with the kids everyday and she's home every night. Simon says that on Friday night, she was supposed to take the kids bowling, but she went to an event for Vicki instead and that the kids will remember that. That's so fucked up. How frickin' manipulative. Tamra gets angry and yells that she's with the kids every single day. He says that they both know that she's not. Tamra says "well, if you were working and making money, we would f****** be in this situation. You're an a**hole. You're a nasty, vile person." Ouch. He tells her that she wanted to go down this road and she just calls him an a**hole again. Tamra: "You know what, you can go f*** yourself, you f****** a**hole. F*** you. You're an a**hole. You're a total a**hole. I want a divorce. F*** you!"

THE PARTY

They arrive at the St. Regis for the party. As they get out of the limo, Simon says that he doesn't want to fight anymore and they should try to have fun. Tamra starts to cry and walk away and he grabs her and hugs her and says that they shouldn't have fought. I didn't hear "I'm sorry" in there. He tells her that he loves her and wants to be with her. She tells him that she's hurt and upset because he used their kids and basically called her a bad mom. Simon gets literal and says that he never called her a "bad mom". Technically, he's right. But he did make that snarky comment about the kids remembering that Tamra chose to go out instead of taking them bowling. That was shitty. He tells her to get her priorities straight and then he starts to give examples of how her priorities are screwed up. She tells him to stop riding her and he tells her to make a change for the better. He's a jerk.

They finally make their way into the party and Tamra's mom is there. Jeanna arrives next with Shane and Kara. Vicki, Donn, Briana and Michael are next. Lauri and George show up with Ashley and his daughter (i forget her name). Oh, George. Gretchen shows up in a white dress and with Slade. Everyone is wondering if they got married or engaged. Tamra: "It's Cinderella and her toad...I mean, Prince Charming."

Alexis and her troll are next. Tamra says that they look like Dancing with the Stars. HAHA. OMG. Alexis's dress is BARELY covering her ass. I'm not even exaggerating. Lynne, Frank, her mom and the bratty sisters arrive. The girls are totally over the top and skip into the event saying "hi" to everyone. Gretchen doesn't understand why they're drunk when they just arrived with their parents. Lynne is so clueless. She tells us that the girls got into the alcohol at the OTHER END OF THE LIMO, way over there, so she didn't know what they were doing. Dumbass. Seriously? That's ridiculous.

Laurie and Gretchen are chatting and Laurie is in disbelief that Gretchen and Slade are a couple. Gretchen tells her that they are madly in love and happy. Laurie says that "the big lurking question is, do you know what you're doing? It just seems like he has a history of serial housewife dating." Gretchen tells Laurie that Slade told her he never dated Laurie. Laurie tells Gretchen that they definitely did go out. Gretchen tells US that Slade told her that he never even went on a date with Laurie. Whatever. That's such bullshit and if Gretchen just looks back at old seasons of the Real Housewives, she'll see Slade on a date and KISSING Laurie. Gretchen is delusional. Laurie asks Gretchen if she and Slade are getting married and Gretchen says that she hopes so. Gretchen says "He's a catch!" Yeah, you can "catch" some kind of STD from him. Laurie tells Gretchen that she hopes it's real and that it's not just some opportunity for Slade.

Slade walks up to Frank and "whispers" that the girls are wasted. Lynne tells us that it was a loud whisper and was totally embarrassing. Whatever. Get your drunk, ungrateful, bitchy daughters out of there. Frank goes to talk to the girls and Raquel is cursing and Alexa gets up and says she's going to drink and flips him off. Seriously?? OMG. If that was my daughter, I would take her out of the party and throw her in the limo and send her ass HOME.

Frank and Lynne are talking to Alexa and she is so disrespectful. Vicki tells us that she's a big believer in education and discipline, but you need to start early. And it's just too late for Lynne and those horrible daughters. Alexa can't understand why she can't have ONE martini. Um, because you are SEVENTEEN, dumbass. She curses as she walks away from them and the problem becomes crystal clear. Frank tells Lynne not to worry and that she'll be fine. Um, are you kidding? She's a trainwreck. She's going to end up on some MTV reality show and completely humiliate herself - even more than she has on this show.

Raquel and her friend leave Alexa at the party and take off. Lynne goes out of the party to talk to Alexa and Alexa is just rude and keeps cursing and says she's pissed that Raquel left her. Lynne tells us that she's not condoning the girls' behavior AT ALL. Whatever. Lynne sits next to Alexa and asks what she can do to resolve this issue. Alexa rolls her eyes and says "Oh now you're going to be the good mom and solve the problem." Alexa starts drunk crying and saying she wants her old family back and wants to go home. Meanwhile Slade is telling everyone inside that the girls are 15 and drunk. He's an a**hole. I don't think Lynne and Frank are parents of the year or anything, but at least they know where their kids are. Where are your kids, Slade?

Jeanna and Kara walk up and try to diffuse the situation. I think Kara is a smart kid, but Jeanna wasn't the best mom with her kids. Kara, Colton and Shane can be really disrespectful. Kara basically convinced Alexa to go inside to talk to a hot boy that Shane brought. I think what really needed to be done was for Frank and Lynne to take Alexa home and let her sober up so they can ground her.

Oh.My.God. Holy Tranny Mess!! Alexis's mom got a facelift - which was totally unnecessary - and tonight, she has on the darkest eye and lip colors. She looks AWFUL. Really bad. She totally looks like a tranny.

Tamra shows Gretchen her tattoo. Gretchen tells us: "I think her tattoo is a joke. Her marriage is in the shitter." Gretchen says it's just some gesture so she can say she's working on her marriage, but she really should be going to therapy not getting tattoos. I agree. They totally need therapy. I actually think all the housewives need serious therapy.

Tamra decides that she can't hold it in anymore and needs to talk to someone, i.e. she's drunk and needs to cry. So, she calls Vicki over so she can cry to her about Simon. Yikes. She tells Vicki that her life sucks and that she and Simon are headed for divorce any day now.

The Troll is talking to Frank about things and Frank tells him that he's taking things one day at a time. Frank tells us that he's house hunting but being realistic about what they can afford. Jim asks if Frank and Lynne have gone to church recently. Here we go. Jim tells Frank that he would love for Frank and Lynne to join them one of these Sundays. Frank graciously agrees, but he's totally not going to go. I hate it when people try to recruit you to go to their church. Religion and spirituality are such personal choices. It's so annoying to have someone come up to you and try to sell it...particularly when you're vulnerable. Frank asks if there are donuts after service and Jim tells him "Crispy Cremes". Frank says he'll be there. HAHA.

Tamra is crying that she and Simon are headed for divorce. Tamra tells us that Vicki has always been supportive and that she's always stuck up for Vicki when Simon says that Vicki has come between their marriage. Tamra thinks that Simon likes to blame other people for their issues. Vicki hugs her and tells her that she will be fine. Vicki tells her that it's her life and that she controls her own destiny. Vicki says that Tamra has to be stronger and not be controlled. She's in control of her own life. Tamra says that she's scared of Simon because his words are so hurtful. Simon sees Tamra talking to Vicki and he's pissed. Simon walks over and asks why she's crying. Tamra says that she just wants Simon and Vicki to get along. Simon asks if this is why she's crying. Vicki shakes her head - and she shouldn't. Vicki should just let Tamra say whatever she's going to say and stay out of it. Keep your mouth shut, Vicki. Phew. She does. Vicki tells us that Tamra is scared of Simon and that's why she lied.

Simon asks Tamra to get up so he can hug her. He asks her what they were talking about and says "Not about what happened in the car, right?" Tamra says she doesn't want to fight anymore. Simon says he's leaving and Tamra lets him leave.

UPDATES:

ALEXIS: Alexis is now working for her plastic surgeon ... Jim is letting her. HAHA.

GRETCHEN: Gretchen and Slade are still not married ... Slade has not reversed his vasectomy. Yikes. I didn't realize he had done that.

VICKI: Vicki and Donn still enjoy date night, and plan to go back to Turks and Caicos. Briana is still working as a trauma nurse and she just got her own apartment. Michael is now Vicki's #1 salesperson. He still lives at home.

LYNNE: Lynne and Frank moved to an affordable condo. Frank is now working for Lynne. Alexa just got her driver's license, but Lynne and Frank can't afford to buy her a car. Raquel is still over it, still unemployed, but working on her art.

TAMRA: Ryan was laid off from his job. He's now working out and hopes to become a fitness trainer. Tamra and Simon short sold their house. They moved out in January ... separately. Simon filed for divorce.

THE END!!

Real Housewives OC, Season Five - Episode 12

"You Can Dish it, but You Can't Take It"

Last time: Lynne got evicted!

LYNNE

We pick up where we left off and Raquel gets served the eviction notice. She thinks it's a joke and doesn't understand because she's "so hungover". Nice. Raquel calls her mom - while flipping off the camera crew (classy) - and Lynne is SHOCKED by the news. Lynne tells us that she wishes she had received the eviction notice and not her two daughters. She's fighting back tears as she says this. Can I just say, Lynne looks WEIRD. I don't know if it's the surgery, but she looks like she's on something - more so than usual. It's creepy. Her face is just weird-looking. You can see the tears and hear the emotion in her voice, but her face looks like a deer in headlights - no expression.

Lynne meets Frank at the park because she doesn't want to discuss this in front of the girls. She tells Frank that she's really pissed. Again, her voice sounds angry, but her face just looks loopy. Franks starts to tell Lynne, but she won't shut up. She just keeps saying that the girls are upset and she's pissed. Frank tells us that he was in way over his head with the house from the beginning and he screwed up. He's trying to explain to Lynne and she just keeps talking over him. He tells her that he didn't pay the deposit on time and that's the problem. Lynne "says" she's "angry" because Frank lied and told her that there wasn't a deposit on this house. Oops. There was - $10K. Yikes. If that's first and last month's rent, their rent is $5K/mo. OR if that's just one month's rent, then it's $10K/mo.

Lynne tells Frank that he should have told her about the money owed and she would have made it happen. Franks tells her that they have been living beyond their means for a long time. Lynne is the most inarticulate person on this show. Seriously. I get what she's saying to Frank and I understand that she's pissed, but she is struggling with the words. She was like that with Gretchen, too. It's hard to watch because I'm so embarrassed for her even though I think she's right.

Lynne tells Frank that she can handle the truth, but Frank says that she doesn't want to listen to the truth. Frank says he's under a lot of pressure to keep them living in these expensive houses and Lynne lies and says she doesn't care about money. YEAH RIGHT. Frank tells her that they need to cut back on their spending. Lynne tells him that she's not going to be the victim. WTF? What is she talking about?? Frank: "You live in this microcosm. It's not even real." Lynne is upset that he embarrassed her and the girls and she doesn't think she'll ever get over this and walks away.

VICKI

Vicki comes home from a business trip and Briana greets her with her new haircut. They sit and talk. Briana tells Vicki about her doctor appointment. They did an ultrasound on her thyroid and her whole neck is covered in nodules. The doctor said he's going to biopsy the biggest nodules. Briana is scared and telling Vicki all the details. Vicki is really worried. Vicki has had tumors on her neck, too, beginning when she was 5 years old. She's definitely worried. It's really sad and hard. Briana tells her about her next appointment and Vicki says that she has some big work commitments that day. Briana whines to us that she might have cancer and all her mom can think about is work. That's not true. Vicki insists that regardless of work, she WILL BE at the next appointment. Vicki is a great mother.


LYNNE

The night they were served, Lynne took the girls to her mom's house and Frank stayed at a hotel. Should he really be spending more money right now? Shouldn't he at least stay in the house since Lynne and the girls are gone? Lynne tells us that Tamra planned this trip to SF for all the girls and she's not sure she should go with all the crap going on right now. She tells us she needs moral support and ends up at Tamra's house. Well, Tamra can definitely relate to your situation, Lynne, but she's not the most stable housewife.

Lynne gives Tamra the recap and Tamra can't believe Lynne is getting evicted. Lynne tells her that she's not talking to Frank right now. I don't get it. Isn't Bravo paying them SOMETHING to be on the show??? If all The Hills bitches get $100K per episode, these ladies have to be getting at LEAST $20K, right? I digress.

Tamra tells Lynne not to be mad at Frank and tries to explain that he probably didn't want her to stress out about money. Tamra's right. They need to be there for each other right now, not fighting with each other. Lynne needs to get past her embarrassment and be supportive. I get it. She's pissed that he lied and that she's in this mess and that she and her kids were humiliated. But Frank is humiliated, too. If she hadn't been spending his money so freely for the past 20 years, they wouldn't be in this mess.

Tamra tells Lynne that she doesn't want to be divorced. Tamra's been there and she tells Lynne that she needs to stick it out. She also tells her to come to SF. They've already paid for their plane tickets and the rooms are taken care of, so Lynne should just get away for the weekend. I agree. Lynne needs a break and SF is the best place for that.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen and Alexis have dinner on Balboa Island at "Billy's at the Beach" restaurant. Alexis tells Gretchen that she's going to get a "skinny girl" to drink. It's basically a margarita with soda water instead of sour mix. Alexis is such a stereotype right now. She's a total cliche for women in the OC.

They start talking about Vicki and Alexis tells Gretchen that she actually likes Vicki, but she felt offended by her at Lynne's dinner party. First, the snoring at the table during Alexis's boring story was rude. And second, when Vicki said that her husband works - it was offensive because the implication was that the other husbands/people didn't work. I agree with the first one, but the second one is stupid. She was just pointing out that Donn works and can't get a weekend off at a moment's notice. She never said that Donn works and no one else does. If people were offended by that, that is their own insecurity. It's just so much easier to vilify Vicki than to accept insecurity.

Gretchen takes this opportunity to tells Alexis and us that she works and has been really working her ass off on her make up line. Whatever, Gretchen.

VICKI

Briana and Vicki head to Briana's doctor appointment. So scary. I haven't had a biopsy, but I can imagine that waiting for the results is super stressful and scary. I hope she's ok. Think whatever you want about Vicki, Briana is a great girl and no one deserves cancer.

ALEXIS

She talks to Jim about SF. She says that she's concerned because Jim doesn't want to go. Jim says that it's not that he doesn't want to go, it's that he has unavoidable work conflicts and can't go. BUT - because he's a controlling troll - he says that he trusts the girls she's going with so it's ok for her to go alone. Gross. It will be the SECOND time in 6 years that they've been apart. OMG. Get over yourselves, you co-dependent freaks! I MUST comment on her outfit. She doesn't work AT ALL and she's at home, but she's wearing a white, collared, button down blouse, SHORT black shorts and black suede boots with FRINGE. She looks ridiculous. Now, some of you may think I'm being all judgmental and offensive because I say she doesn't work at all because being a stay at home mom IS WORK. I agree with you. Staying at home and raising kids is probably the hardest job out there. BUT SHE DOESN'T DO THAT. She has TWO FULL TIME NANNIES!!!! She's not raising any kids. Rant.over.

VICKI

Vicki says that she was the victim of a Hatefest at Lynne's party. She says Alexis is self-centered and Tamra didn't have Vicki's back. Vicki decides to go to SF anyway. She's bringing Briana with her because she feels Briana could use the vacation and maybe Briana will keep the peace with everyone.

The ladies arrive and board the plane. Vicki tells us that she was surprised that Jim wasn't there, but that she felt like he may pop up at some point. Then she says "smelly dork." LOVE IT!!! I totally want to fly Virgin America First Class. It looks awesome. They are staying at the Hotel Vitale on the Embarcadero. It is literally across the street from my old office. I've been to the restaurant in that hotel - Americano's - about 50 times. It's good, not great. I cannot believe they were here and I missed it. They are out on the roof and you can see my old building in the background. Love it.

I'm so jealous. They have dinner at Hubert Keller's restaurant, Fleur de Lys. I've driven by that restaurant a million times, but I've never been. It's on the list of restaurants I want to try. That and Gary Danko. I bet none of those women realize how amazing that restaurant is and how famous Hubert Keller - who personally welcomes them to his restaurant - really is. He's amazing.

As I suspected, they don't know anything about the restaurant. Despite Hubert Keller's heavy French accent and the French name of the restaurant, Gretchen asks what kind of restaurant this is. Dumb. Meanwhile, Alexis is constantly on the phone with her "smelly dork". It's so rude. There's no urgent reason, she's just checking on Jim and the kids...repeatedly. Everyone - not just Vicki - is totally annoyed by the phone calls.

Vicki tells the girls about Briana's health scare. They are supportive but the mood is too somber, so Alexis tries to get Vicki to eat a blue cheese stuffed olive from Gretchen's martini. YUM!! I want one...and the martini, too! Lynne decides to tell the girls about her eviction drama. Vicki tells us what I've known since I started practicing family law, a lot of women have NO IDEA how much money they have, what they owe and for what. Ignorance is bliss until you get screwed (like Lynne) or you get divorced and realize you were living beyond your means. Lynne says that she and Frank have champagne taste on a beer budget...like many people right now.

Gretchen gets the pan seared Foie Gras and it look DE-LISH. Everything looks amazing. Alexis has never tasted Foie Gras so she asks Gretchen for a little taste. Alexis takes a bite and immediately SPITS IT OUT into her napkin. Gross. You are at a 5 STAR restaurant. Keep it together, ladies. See? You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. She's so "new money". No class, but a lot of diamonds. All the women at the table and probably a lot of the women in the OC are a lot like that. Never had money until they married well and now they have all the money in the world, but NO CLASS.

Vicki starts gagging because she has a gag reflex and she's just as dramatic as Alexis. I'd be curious to find out what birth order each of these women is. It would be an interesting study.

After dinner, the ladies head over to the Bubble Lounge to meet up with Briana. I like the Bubble Lounge. I haven't been there in a long time, but I love the place. It's very cool with yummy champagne!! They all toast to Briana's health and they are all very supportive for Vicki and Briana. Gretchen is drunk and totally loses it and starts crying for Briana and telling her she's sorry that Briana and Vicki have to deal with this. Vicki appreciates the compassion from Gretchen - it's called booze, Vicki.

Next day, they are all shopping in Union Square. They are shopping at the most expensive boutiques and Lynne finds a leather jacket for $1185. Now, if I just got evicted, I'm not sure I'd be "celebrating" by purchasing a jacket for almost $1200. Gretchen agrees. Lynne says that she just got paid, so she's gonna buy it. Ridiculous. And then you wonder why Frank doesn't want to share the finances with you. Dingbat!

Next they go to Waterbar for lunch. It's right on the Embarcadero almost across the street from their hotel. I like that place. I went to lunch there a few times and had a great dinner with a couple of friends one night. Delicious if you like seafood.

They all squeeze into a circular booth and have a fantastic view of the bay. Vicki is the rude one this time, checking work emails and making a work call. Alexis bitches to us about it, but it's so not the same. Calling your husband several times during dinner to say "hi" is different from WORKING. Dumb. Vicki apologizes and says that she's sorry if Alexis is offended by her "working", but she can't help it. Alexis says that she's never offended by Vicki working and thinks it's admirable that Vicki is so successful and works so hard. BUT, Alexis tells her that she WAS offended by what happened at Lynne's house. WHY? Why must you open that can of worms??? The trip was going so well.

We'll have to wait until next time to hear what Vicki has to say...

Real Housewives OC, Season Five - Episode 11

Last time, Gretchen is starting a make up line, Lynne gets drunk and fights with Gretchen and Tamra and Simon are boring.

TAMRA

Tamra says that Simon doesn't really feel like she loves him. SO, she decides to get a tattoo of his name on her ring finger. Kiss.of.death. Come on, Tamra. Don't you know that as soon as you get some guy's name (or girl's name if that's the case) tattooed on your body, you BREAK UP. It always happens. She's with her son, Ryan, who has a ton of tattoos. I didn't think she'd go through with it, but she did it. Bad idea. OMG. Tamra just tells us that she's heard that as soon as you get a guy's name tattooed on your body, you get divorced or break up and she hopes it's not the kiss of death. HAHAHA!! It is!! That's why you've heard that, sweetie. AND, that's why you only get your kids' names tattooed on your body (if you must tattoo a name on yourself) - they will ALWAYS be your kid!! Dumb.

LYNNE

Lynne tells us that she doesn't know what happened at the cooking class event at Alexis's. Lynne tells us that everything is all good now and that they all made up because "that's how we roll here in the O.C." Whatever. She calls Alexis to invite her to her house for a dinner party. Alexis and Jim are going to Palm Dessert but they'll be back early so they can make her party.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen goes to see Vicki at work to get some financial advice since she's decided to launch her own make-up business and she knows Vicki knows a lot about starting a business and finance. So, to be clear, Gretchen is going to Vicki for ADVICE. Gretchen tells Vicki that she decided to come to her because, of all the housewives, Vicki actually WORKS!! Vicki laughs and makes the comment that she's the only housewife with a job and Gretchen tells her to be nice. Um, how is that MEAN? I don't get it. It's a fact, not a judgment. If the other housewives feel ashamed or embarrassed that they don't work, then that's their problem. But Vicki stating the obvious is not mean. Dumb.

Anyhow, Gretchen pulls out some samples from her make up line, Gretchen Christine Beaute (pronouced, Beau-TAY). So dumb. Vicki tells Gretchen that make-up seems like a super competitive business to get into right now - particularly since we're in a recession. Gretchen tells Vicki that she wants to concentrate on internet sales right now and then go into retail shops. Vicki tells her that she worries about Gretchen putting a lot of money out there without getting any back. She's giving FINANCIAL ADVICE!! So, she asks Gretchen if she got some money when Jeff died. Gretchen says that she didn't get any money from Jeff, so Vicki asks if Slade is helping her. Gretchen is visibly uncomfortable and says that he helps her a little bit, but that he's struggling, too. Vicki asks if Slade has a job and she lies and says that he does. I think he's Gretchen's "manager". Dumb. Gretchen takes this line of questioning personally and sees it as an attack by Vicki. Gretchen CAME to VICKI to ask for her professional advice regarding the business. Vicki wants to know if Gretchen has other sources of income before she just gives her advice. You can't advise someone without knowing all the facts. UGH. Gretchen is so annoying. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure Vicki was also curious about all those answers, too, but it makes sense to ask them to see if it makes sense for Gretchen to pursue something if she has no money!!

Vicki tells us that she thinks Slade uses people and that he's using Gretchen.

ALEXIS

Jim and Alexis head to Palm Desert for their weekend get-a-way. They are going to the Desert Springs Marriot in Palm Desert. Apparently that's the place where they met each other. They are having the dumbest conversation in the car. She tells him that she can only lay out one day because she only brought one bikini. Jim doesn't understand why she would only bring one bikini for the whole weekend and Alexis explains that she didn't think they'd be laying out more than one day. So Jim says that he'll buy her another bikini. Um, why can't she use the same bikini two days in a row?? I'm confused. The rest of the country seems to manage to do this. Why can't Alexis? This is the dumbest thing ever. If she's worried that it will still be wet, I'm sure Jim can pay someone to wash and dry it for her.

They are staying in the Presidential Suite. Wait a minute. HOLD THE PHONE!!!! These uber Christian posers have each been married before??? WTF?? Wow. That's awesome. I guess Alexis's divorce was kind of nasty. These guys are a piece of work. They are two of the most superficial and materialistic people on that show. I love that her ex-husband says that the only thing that has changed is her nose and she has bigger boobs. HAHA. Alexis tells us that she met Jim while she was relaxing after her first divorce and he swept her off her feet...with an American Express Black Card.

Jim had been single for 10 years and he was looking for sexy elegance and that's what he found in Alexis. They are paying $2900/night for that room. Ridiculous.

He is so gross. Jim tells her what to order and she totally trusts him so she lets him choose for her. She is so dumb.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen tells us that she's getting a booth together for the Women's Environment Expo for her make-up line. She's at some warehouse asking someone to help her put a booth together. She wants it to look very old Hollywood. It turns out to put a production together costs a lot of MONEY!!

TAMRA

Tamra and Simon go Harley riding with some friends to Newport Beach for some lunch. They go to a bar/grill type place called "Mutt Lynch's". It must be really loud in there because Tamra is YELLING. She takes this opportunity to talk to Simon and she starts all wrong. She tells him that the other night when she said she was with her friend, Ricky, she lied. She tells him that she needs to let him know something. Simon is freaking out and asks her if this is the appropriate time. It's super awkward and seems like she's going to confess some affair or something. She shows him the tattoo and he was super shocked and speechless. He holds her hand and tells her that it's the first unselfish thing she's done in a long time. He's a little teary-eyed.

DINNER PARTY AT LYNNE'S HOUSE

Tamra and Simon arrive first and the four of them have a drink. They all start Vicki-bashing until Gretchen and Slade show up. Tamra is getting drunk. Vicki and Donn show up and so do Alexis and Jim. Tamra and Vicki go outside and Simon comes over and she tries to get them to make up. Vicki says she can get passed it. Then Simon says that he can get passed it ... if Vicki stays out of his marriage. Which gets them started again. Simon storms off. The problem is that Vicki doesn't seem to get it. I love Vicki, but she has the same problem I do. We think we know what's best for everyone else. But, we don't. Sometimes we might, but we need to let them figure it out for themselves. She needs to just learn to be a good listener and support Tamra when she's venting about Simon and not give her opinion. Trust me, I know it's super hard. But that's what she's got to do. Sooner or later, Tamra will figure out that Simon is a controlling asshole. And, since she just filed for divorce, I'm guessing she has.

Simon gets pissed and whines to Jim. Simon sees them still talking and goes outside and tells Vicki to butt out! Vicki keeps telling him that she could give a rat's ass about their marriage. Simon goes back inside and takes off when he sees Vicki and Tamra keep talking. Tamra finds out that Simon left and she walks outside. Simon tells Tamra that Vicki's marriage sucks and that Vicki is a piece of shit. Simon says that Vicki doesn't like that Tamra is married to him. Tamra hugs him and starts crying. He tells her to be on his side and that he's not controlling and let's her do whatever she wants. Um, except travel without you and now you're telling her not to be friends with Vicki. Hmmm. So, now Tamra has decided that Vicki is not a good friend and she only wants to be with Simon.

Dinner is served. They all sit around the table and Vicki and Simon end up sitting next to each other. Lynne and Frank tell the story of how they first met. It's very cute. They met at a yogurt shop and Lynne was looking hot with baby-oiled legs. Then Tamra tells the story of her and Simon and they met at a dance club...go figure. Now it's Alexis's turn. She gives EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of how she and Jim met, down to putting on sunscreen and what she was wearing from head to toe. Her story is twice as long as the others put together with entirely too much detail. So Vicki and Donn pretend to be asleep and start snoring at their end of the table. Everyone thinks it's funny until Alexis gets offended. In Alexis's defense, they were rude and it was not nice especially since she and Vicki are not close. BUT, in Vicki's defense, it wasn't just Vicki - it was Donn, too, and it was a really LONG, BORING, DETAILED story AND it was a joke!!

Someone asks if Vicki went to Greece with Donn. Vicki says that Donn wasn't invited and it was just Vicki, her mom and her daughter. Gretchen thinks that the "not invited" thing is weird and she doesn't understand why you would tell your spouse or significant other that he isn't invited. It's all semantics, Gretchen. Who the fuck cares? I may seem a little biased because I like Vicki, but seriously??? Who cares if she tells Donn he's not invited to things. He doesn't want to go anyway. It's not like she's hurting his feelings or putting him down. Get over it, people. Vicki goes to the restroom and when she returns they are talking about Florida and how Donn should have gone. Again, he reminds them that it was a girls' weekend and he wasn't invited. They ask Vicki why Donn wasn't invited and BOTH Donn and Vicki say that Donn has a job: "He works."

Well, apparently, everyone at the table is offended that Vicki told them that Donn works. Maybe it's because NO ONE ELSE AT THE TABLE WORKS!!! Gretchen tells us that she's been working her butt off trying to launch her make-up line. Whatever, Gretchen. If you're working so hard, how are you able to go to cooking parties at 1:30pm during the week? Seriously? The only reason everyone at that table is offended by the fact that Vicki and Donn work is because none of the others do - or at least, the wives don't.

Alexis says that she's offended that Vicki insinuated that she doesn't work. She says she has three small children and a husband that she takes exceptional care of. Hold up, wait a minute. YOU HAVE TWO FULL TIME NANNIES WHO TAKE CARE OF YOUR THREE SMALL CHILDREN. So don't even try to say that you "work" as a stay at home mom. That's BULLSHIT.

These people are dumb. I think Vicki should retire from the Real Housewives and let these losers do it on their own.

Vicki and Donn take off. Vicki says that every one of those bitches is fucked up. But, Vicki is human and it's upsetting to her that they are all talking shit about her back at Lynne's house. She's hurt. I'm sorry, but I didn't see Vicki being offensive. She just said that Donn couldn't go to Florida because he works. If people get offended by that, then that is their own issue, not Vicki's.

Next morning, Lynne and Frank get served with an eviction notice. YIKES!

Until next time...

Real Housewives OC, Season Five - Episode 10

Previously on the show: Alexis had her own opinion about the Gretchen/Tamra drama, Lynne and Frank have no clue about disciplining a teenager and Gretchen had a tupperware party.

GRETCHEN

Last year, Jeff - her deceased fiance - bought Gretchen a Harley. She has since gotten her motorcycle license and is ready to take it out for a ride. She is RIDICULOUS. It's like this woman has a closet full of costumes. She never just dresses as herself. She has a full-on Harley outfit just to take the bike out...complete with the pink bandana with a skull and cross bones on it. Really, Gretchen? She and Slade are made for each other. POSERS.

TAMRA

Simon and Tamra are getting the kids up for school. Simon is getting the cereal out - of course it's full of sugar. He's also making them sandwiches. Tamra tells us that the kids feel the tension between her and Simon. They have to sell the house and their finances aren't good and that creates a lot of tension. It sure does, particularly when money was the basis for the marriage in the first place.

Tamra says that she's hungry because she didn't eat yesterday before she went to bed. Her son, Spencer, says that he didn't either "so get used to it." HA. Tamra and Simon both tell him not to talk like that. Actually, they just call him a "smart mouth." Implicit disapproval. Tamra tells us that things have been strained, but marriage is hard work and she will do whatever she has to and they will get through it. Hmmm...that's not what the tabloids say. I agree with her, though. I'm not married, but I know that relationships are hard and they take a lot of work. I can imagine that once you throw kids and a mortgage and a marriage contract into the mix, it becomes a lot harder.

The kids take off on their bikes to school. Simon follows them in the car and checks in on them and the kids tell him that he's embarrassing them. HA. Cute.

LYNNE

Alexa is at her friend's house and they are putting on make-up. Alexa tells her that she and her mom have been fighting non-stop. It's a tough situation. Lynne and Frank have never enforced rules, so it's hard to start when Alexa is 17. I mean, didn't they learn anything from Raquel? Even so, Alexa is SO disrespectful. She always says that her parents should just ground her, but if they did, she wouldn't respect it.

Alexa tells her friend that her mom is on her case all the time lately and they are going shopping this afternoon to spend time together. Lynne tells us that she's totally frustrated with Alexa right now because she does whatever she wants no matter what Lynne tells her.

Lynne picks her up and they engage in some small talk. Then Lynne asks Alexa what the deal was with Alexa not showing up on time for the appointment with Vanessa - the teen consultant person. Alexa tells Lynne that she was hungover and couldn't make it on time. [Sidenote: Lynne looks like she needs a booster seat. She looks tiny in the front seat, like she's struggling to look over the steering wheel. It's so weird. Someone get her a phonebook, STAT.] This is where Alexa goes on her "parenting" tirade and tells us that her parents should do something about her if they don't like what she's doing. Like keep her in the house, ground her, etc. As if that would work. She would cry and say that they favor Raquel and they'd give up. Dumb. Lynne and Frank have FOLLOW THROUGH issues. They need to threaten to take something away and then actually take it away. LIKE HER PHONE! Let's see her try to buy a new one with NO MONEY.

Alexa tells Lynne that she doesn't want to talk to Vanessa, she wants to talk to Lynne, but she feels like Lynne is not there. Lynne tells her that she's trying to work and be a mom and it's really hard right now. Ok, Lynne, I get it. It's hard to be a working mom. But, if you want to earn your daughter's respect and you want her to talk to you, you need to make yourself available and not put your own stress on her. You are the mom. Alexa: "So you turn your problems over to this girl, a little older than ME. You expect her to know what to do?" GOOD POINT, Alexa!! If they went to a real family therapist, that therapist would tell Lynne and Frank what I am saying. First, it's a little late to start setting limits. BUT, this is where we are so set boundaries and rules and then STICK TO THEM WITH CONSEQUENCES IF YOU DON'T. Why is this hard?

Lynne asks Alexa if Vanessa inspires her a little bit. Alexa tells Lynne that she wants her MOM to inspire her, not some random girl. Lynne dismisses Alexa's comment and they head into the mall. Alexa tells Lynne that hiring some girl to come into their family makes her feel like some rebel and she's not. Alexa tells her that she's mature for her age - NOT TRUE - and she doesn't understand why Lynne and Frank can't just talk to her. They decide to sit on a bench to finish this conversation.

Lynne explains to Alexa that they were just trying to look for some outside help. I get that and I'm all for it. I think family therapy is really powerful and a great resource. But, they didn't opt for that. They picked some girl, who is barely out of her teenage years, because they thought she would be "cool" for the girls. But, the thing is that most of your teen's problems aren't only the teen's problem. It usually has to do with something in the ENTIRE family.

Lynne tells her that she needs Alexa to listen to and do what she says. She tells Alexa that a lot of times, she'll tell Alexa something and Alexa ignores it. Alexa says "that's bullshit." and then tells her mom that she doesn't want to talk about this anymore and that she's going to leave if she doesn't stop. Alexa gets up and says she's "f-ing over it" and starts crying and says that she doesn't understand why they can't just go shopping and not bring up this bullshit. Lynne says that all she asked was that Alexa show her a little more respect. Alexa cries that she does show Lynne respect. Lynne says: "By what? Not showing up when I ask you to." Alexa: "I do show up. You're such a BITCH." Wow. Lynne says "ALEXA!" and then puts her face in her hands and says "Oh my God." That was really uncalled for, Alexa.

Alexa walks away and Lynne tells us that she didn't say anything back because she was in shock. Lynne walks over to Alexa and tells her that she loves her and wants what is best for her and wants them to make progress in their relationship. Lynne tells her that they just need to listen to each other's feelings. Alexa: "I don't care, mom." Alexa tells her mom that she's not there for her. Lynne tells Alexa that she wants all these nice things, but that means Lynne needs to work. Alexa asks Lynne: "When was the last time I asked for something nice? I haven't asked for anything." Lynne says that Alexa is always asking for something like make up, etc. Alexa tells Lynne that all she wants her to do is be a frickin' commercial for Lynne's "cuffs" and throws the cuff across the table. Lynne tells Alexa "Oh, that's really sweet" sarcastically and Alexa responds: "Kiss my ass. Seriously."

Now Lynne is PISSED. She tells Alexa: "You know, you are such a ... the world is your stage, girl. Just keep it up. Keep it up, Alexa. That's really sweet. That's really nice that you just treat my cuff that way." Ok, she started strong, but then made it about the cuff. Really, Lynne? Alexa tells Lynne that all she cares about is herself and making her business big. Lynne gets upset and says: "That is so not true." Way to tell her, Lynne. This right here is the problem with moms and dads trying to be their kids' "friend". You are their parents NOT their friends. Friends - in high school - fight and say mean things to each other. But kids should NEVER talk to their PARENTS like that. Unacceptable.

Lynne tells her that if she just cared about herself she wouldn't be there taking Alexa shopping and talking to her. Alexa gets up and says "I'm done" over and over and walks away.

ALEXIS

Alexis and her troll, er, husband, are in the kitchen and Alexis tell him that she wants to host a cooking party at the house with all the girls. He tells her that he likes the idea because it's original and creative. Ugh. He is so annoying. Alexis says that she's asked Gretchen and Tamra to come over to both tell their sides of the story, but they've refused. So she thinks this cooking party is a way to get them over here so they can talk. She just wants them to get along. Jim - the troll - gives her some advice and tells her to open the dialogue by joking with them about their feud. Good advice, Jim. I'm sure that will go over well. Alexa: "My husband is amazing. Jim is always the best person to get advice from." The blind leading the blind. It's like watching Dumb and Dumber.

TAMRA

The Barney's are cleaning out the garage. Tamra has a totally wrong approach when it comes to little Sophia. If you ask a 4 year old which toys can be given away, they will usually say none of them. You can't ask them yes/no questions. You pick up two toys - one they play with and one they do not play with - and ask which one goes to a poor child who doesn't have toys and which one stays. That's if you want them involved at all. Usually you just go through their shit when they are at preschool and get rid of stuff you know they don't play with. They will never notice. When they get older, it's a little easier. I just went through this with a 6 year old and he really got into it. It was great.

They get rid of a bunch of stuff and Ryan comes over to watch them clean. Tamra tells us they are cleaning to prepare for the move. Tamra says that she feels better that her and Simon are doing it together. Ryan shows them his new business card.

VICKI

Vicki and Donn go out to dinner for date night. The waitress comes up to them and all of a sudden a bird CRAPS on the waitress's head. Donn helps her wipe it away and they are all laughing. OMG. I would totally move inside. Gross.

They get their appetizer and start talking about Donn's ring. Vicki says it's just getting sized. Then Donn pulls out a ring box and hands it to Vicki. It's a HUGE ring. It has 8 rows of tiny diamonds. It's gorgeous and a big piece of bling which you know Vicki LOVES. It's a six carat ring. Vicki says she doesn't deserve it. I think she was genuinely shocked. I don't think Donn has EVER given her anything even remotely that extravagant and she was feeling really uncomfortable. You could tell that Donn was so happy to be able to surprise her and give her this ring. I love them. I really do. Vicki is materialistic and superficial, but she earned every penny. Say what you will about her, but she's not short selling her house.

Vicki cracks me up. As she gives him a kiss, she dunks her dress into the cocktail sauce and then gets wine on it. HAHA.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen's make up artist, Ron Ann, comes over to talk about their new make up line. UGH. Really? It's so hard to take Gretchen seriously when she talks about not having money when she's had a make up artist for the past 7 years. Who has their own make up artist? How obnoxious is that? Gretchen tells us that she used to be a really hard-working real estate agent and that people used to refer to her as the "Madonna of Real Estate". Actually, I don't think it's "working hard" to sell real estate in a booming market where people are spending like crazy. If she was STILL selling real estate and trying to make it happen, THEN she would be the Madonna of Real Estate. Selling houses to people with an abundance of money who are eager to buy homes is not working hard. Selling houses to people who are struggling and need to be convinced that they NEED THIS HOUSE, is working hard. She bugs me so much. She's so self-righteous.

Gretchen tells us that when Jeff got sick - a minute after they got together - she decided to make "taking care of him" her priority. Yeah, or "spending his money instead of making her own" her priority. Gretchen explains that Jeff left her $2.5 million in his will, BUT his estate was in a $3 million deficit, so she ended up getting NOTHING. Um, except his house! Whatever Gretchen. Now Gretchen says that she needs to watch her finances. She tells Ron Ann that the only way to make her own money is to own her own business. She tells us that Slade is NOT a partner or investor because they aren't married and she didn't want that. Um, I think it's also that Slade has NO MONEY. Dumb.

VICKI

Vicki is holding a finance meeting at her office for her kids, Michael and Briana. She wants them to be responsible with their money and be smart about it. It makes sense and Vicki is right to teach and educate her kids about being responsible with their money. I'm just not sure they are in the right place in their lives to hear it. Although, I think it's never too early to teach kids how to manage their money.

LYNNE

Lynne tells us that she is at a loss for what to do with Alexa. She says she needs help so she goes to visit her mother. Marilou - Lynne's mom - welcomes her over and they go outside to talk. Lynne tells her mom that Alexa needs some "grandma bootcamp". Marilou tells her that she saw this coming and that teenagers never like listening to their parents. Lynne tells us that she was a wild child at Alexa's age. Lynne says that she's going to put Alexa to work and Marilou agrees that this is a great idea. Me too. Make her earn her cash. Otherwise, NO MONEY.

ALEXIS

Alexis and the troll take their son to get his hair cut. He gets the - oh so popular among the preschool/kinder set - "fauxhawk". He's a really cute kid.

Alexis is at home prepping for her cooking party. She has the chef there and is setting up everything. OMG. What the hell is she wearing. She's got a stupid multi-colored Fedora on her head. Dumb. All the girls show up and Alexis has chef hats for all of them to wear. Vicki is the only one not there because it's at 1:30pm on a weekday and she actually works. Who has a cooking party in the middle of the day on a weekday? Seriously? Again, dumb. Gretchen interviews that she admires Vicki's work ethic, but thinks that Vicki reminds them too often how hard she works. Those are your issues, Gretchen. You wouldn't feel so threatened or bad about it if you actually worked.

Tamra tells us that Lynne was drinking a lot. It's 1:30PM people!! Keep it together. They finish making the food and head to the table for some appetizers. Alexis - taking the Troll's advice - starts by just saying, casually: "So are we good? Things between the two of you?" pointing to Tamra and Gretchen. They kind of shrug and Alexis says that they have been all "buddy/buddy" this afternoon, so are they good? Gretchen tells her that they always have fun together and have a good time. Tamra interviews that she felt blindsided by Alexis and felt like she was stirring up trouble. Gretchen and Tamra tell Alexis that it is what it is and they are over it right now. So, Alexis, dissatisfied with this answer, asks if this means that everything is great and will be from this point forward. Gretchen says "No. But we can have fun together, too." Leave it alone Alexis.

The next course comes out. They give Alexis shit for saving some of her lunch for the Troll and then Lynne talks about Frank and they all laugh. Gretchen goes and makes it awkward by asking Lynne about her girls, Alexa in particular. Lynne says that Alexa is a work in progress and that she's an amazing little actress. Gretchen: "So she was acting with me, then." Tamra doesn't know what's going on, so Lynne tells her about the shopping trip with Gretchen and Alexa. Gretchen says that she was just trying to help and Lynne got offended. Lynne tells Gretchen that she was upset because she was judging her. Gretchen disagrees and tells Lynne that she was upset because Alexa called Lynne out for things she wasn't doing as a mother. Ouch. That was unnecessary. Gretchen tells Lynne that Alexa told her that she has to ground herself because her parents don't ground her. Gretchen tells Lynne that she doesn't think she's a bad parent, she just thinks that her kids need a little more guidance from her. She keeps going and tells Lynne that Alexa is craving discipline and needs structure. I totally agree with Gretchen, but I can see that Lynne is really feeling attacked.

Alexis jumps in and tells Lynne that no one can tell you how to raise your kids. Lynne agrees and tells Gretchen that until she's been in her shoes, she has no idea. Gretchen says that what she did was out of caring about Alexa. Lynne doesn't agree and says to Gretchen: "Something you have NO KNOWLEDGE OF AT ALL...all of a sudden you were attacking me." Gretchen tells Lynne that it's her issue. Lynne tells Gretchen that it hurt her feelings when Gretchen made her feel like a bad mom. Gretchen just keeps saying that the kids need guidance, that's all. Gretchen, STFU! She heard you and she's not interested. Back the F off. Jeez.

Lynne: "Until you have kids, you can't really talk to anybody who has kids and tell them and judge them and tell them what to do."

Obviously, Lynne is a little drunk, but I do believe this is how she genuinely feels. She's told Gretchen this when she was sober. Gretchen should just shut it and leave it alone.

Gretchen: "Just because you pop out a kid between your legs doesn't give you the God right to know how to parent."

Lynne: "BULLSHIT! You know what? Fuck you!" GO LYNNE!

Gretchen doesn't stop. She keeps telling Lynne what she should do with her kids. Lynne finally looks at her and says "You're the perfect role model for young girls, Gretchen. Everyone should go on the internet and see what a perfect role model you are for a daughter." ZING!

Gretchen says that she never said she was a perfect role model. Tamra just interviews that she was so glad it was Gretchen and someone else this time. "Better you than me, bitch!" HA.

Gretchen tells Lynne that she has made bad choices and mistakes in her life and she just doesn't want Alexa to make the same mistakes. Lynne has a total breakdown. She starts crying and it's super hard to watch. All that surgery makes her face look so weird when she cries. Alexis is trying to calm her down, but she just cries about how hard it is and how she has no control. She just says that she tries to be a good mom. Gretchen is still there giving advice along with Alexis. Lynne tells Gretchen AGAIN that she doesn't understand because she doesn't have kids. Alexis says the right thing and tells Lynne that her kids are small so she doesn't understand either. The only one who actually does get it is Tamra and she's keeping quiet because she knows a) Lynne is drunk and b) Lynne doesn't need advice right now, she needs support. Lynne blames Orange County, but it's a combo. It's Orange County AND the lack of discipline.

Tamra and Alexis both have compassion for Lynne and interview that it's hard for her and they feel bad for her. Tamra says that the kids do need some discipline. Gretchen just says that Lynne is living in a Fantasyland. Shut up, Gretchen. You might be right, but you bug me right now.

Until next time...

Real Housewives OC, Season Five - Episode 9

Last time Gretchen and Lynne had it out about the Alexa thing, Vicki had a sleepover and no one slept over, and Ryan and Simon made up.

TAMRA

Tamra meets Alexis to play some tennis. Alexis tells us that Tamra was ridiculous in her wedges and little tennis skirt. HA. They decide to play and have fun. Are they playing with PINK tennis balls? Yes, yes they are. They finish playing and sit on a bench. Alexis asks Tamra if she's going to Gretchen's tupperware party. Tamra says that she doesn't think she's going to go. Alexis asks why and Tamra asks her if she really wants to know. Alexis says yes, so Tamra tells her that Gretchen has a really nasty, vulgar blog on her website about Tamra and Simon. Alexis is incredulous. [Btw - I just read the blog and it's not vulgar. It basically is Gretchen's side of the story regarding all the allegations from the last reunion show. It's stupid and ridiculous and not nice, but not vulgar.] Tamra says that she asked Gretchen to remove the blog, but she refused. Alexis says that she's in shock. Alexis says she understands because the two of them are supposed to be burying the hatchet but Gretchen refuses to remove the blog.

GRETCHEN

Slade is making some appetizers for Gretchen's tupperware party. She decided it would be very kitchy to have a tupperware party. Lynne arrives and tells us that she and Gretchen hit a rough patch with the Alexa thing, but they have moved past it. Vicki isn't coming because she has to work. Gretchen says that Tamra told her she'd go to the party, but then she heard through Alexis and Lynne that she wasn't coming. Tamra tells us "HELL NO would I go to Gretchen's tupperware party." Alexis shows up...with her HUSBAND. WHY THE HELL WOULD JIM WANT TO GO TO A FRICKIN' TUPPERWARE PARTY. JEEZ.

Gretchen tells us there's a surprise and all of a sudden, KAY SEDIA, the Tupperware Sales Person comes downstairs. It's a guy! (Wait, Frank is there, too? It must have been a coed party. Still, what guy wants to go to a Tupperware party? Dumb.) Kay is a drag queen. Oh I get it - Kay Sedia - Quesadilla! LOVE IT. Kay is a RIOT!

Gretchen is refilling drinks and she hears Alexis shouting at Mel (Gretchen's friend): "Yeah, that's my husband. Be respectful. All I know is everytime I'm around you and him, you are all about him. He's my husband. He's married. He's taken." Mel: "Ok, because I have a one year old and a fiance." Jim is telling Alexis to calm down. It's so funny to me. NO ONE WANTS YOUR TROLL-LOOKING HUSBAND, ALEXIS. Mel tells her that she's having a good night with her friends and doesn't know what Alexis's problem is. Alexis tells Mel that she saw her all over her husband. "He's my husband and you need to back off." Mel: "You need to be more confident about your husband." Mel tells her that she had one glass of wine at the table and Alexis comes and starts yelling at her. Jim is just enjoying this little ridiculous display on his behalf. SO DUMB. Alexis looks like a total idiot. I'll say it again: NO ONE WANTS YOUR TROLL-LOOKING HUSBAND, ALEXIS.

Alexis and Mel go off to the side and Mel tells Alexis that she just had a conversation with Jim and Alexis was like "Hell no, bitch." Alexis tells her that she did not do that because she doesn't talk that way. Mel: "Dude, are you kidding me? That's your man. I know that." Jim tells us that he's pretty naive when a girl is hitting on him so he doesn't really get it. Um...NO GIRL is EVER hitting on you, Jim. It's not that you're naive. It's that it has never happened. Dumb.

Mel tells Alexis that she got a glass of wine and Jim came up to her and introduced himself and said that he was Alexis's husband. Then at the hors d'ouvre table, Alexis came up and started yelling at her. Mel says that it hurt her feelings. While Mel is explaining what happened, Alexis is interrupting and telling her to stop talking and to let her talk. STFU Alexis. Listen to the girl, first. Stupid. Alexis tells Mel that she would never "lean" on someone else's husband and Mel was "leaning" on Jim. Jim finally tells Slade that it isn't ending so they are going to leave. Slade breaks it up and walks Mel away and Alexis and Jim leave. Jeez. Alexis, you are CRAZY.

Back in the party, Gretchen asks another friend if it's disrespectful to talk to someone else's husband. Alexis and Gretchen's friend, Sarah, explains that the WAY that Mel was talking to Jim was offensive to Alexis. Sarah, you are as dumb as your friend, Alexis. Seriously, people. Have you SEEN Jim? Why the hysteria? Alexis, you should be flattered that other women want to even talk to him and aren't sitting and laughing at you for being married to a troll.

Jim is lecturing Alexis outside. Jim: "Ok, here's the deal. This is a tequila party. And what does tequila do to people? It makes them irrational. So leave it alone and let it be." Alexis tries to defend her actions and Jim says: "End of conversation. Conversation is over." Period. Done and done.

OMG OMG OMG!! I LOVE GRETCHEN'S FRIEND - who Bravo does not identify by name. She yells out "Can I just say something? He is NOT ATTRACTIVE! He is NOT ATTRACTIVE!! No one is hitting on her husband." HAHAHA!! CHEERS!!

LYNNE

Tamra and her family all come over to Lynne's and Lynne tells us that Tamra has become one of her best friends. Lynne tells Tamra that she had a rough day yesterday with Alexa. Frank and Lynne tell Simon and Tamra that Alexa has been difficult because she's not following the rules and often talks over them when they are trying to talk to her. Tamra brings up the "lunch" with Gretchen and Alexa. So Lynne tells Tamra that Gretchen called and asked to take Alexa shopping and talk to her. Tamra asks if Lynne felt like Gretchen was stepping on her toes. Lynne says that she doesn't want her daughter taking advice from Gretchen. Tamra agrees and says that she doesn't want her daughter listening to someone who...then she turns around and sees her daughters listening intensely to the conversation and Tamra just says "Well, I don't want my daughters taking advice from Gretchen."

Raquel and Alexa are laying out at the beach. Alexa says that she wants to go in the water and Raquel says that she doesn't. Alexa tells her she's being lame. Raquel just says that she doesn't want to go in the water and Alexa says that she never wants to do anything with her. Alexa tells us that she and Raquel used to be super close and now Raquel doesn't want to do anything with her. Alexa tries to confront Raquel about how things have been and how Alexa feels like Raquel just blows her off. It goes badly. Raquel gets defensive and denies everything and the subject gets dropped.

Lynne calls Alexa on her cell phone and tells her "Yeah, you have to stay in tonight." Alexa responds incredulously: "WHAT?" Lynne: "You're not allowed to leave the house tonight." Alexa doesn't understand what she did and Lynne explains that she came home way after her curfew the night before so she can't go out tonight. Alexa says ok and hangs up. Alexa tells us that she went out anyway because she knows she's not going to get in trouble. She says they've never grounded her so she's going out. Um, I think when your mom said you can't go out because you were late the night before, she was grounding you. BUT, I see Alexa's point. You can't START disciplining your kids and teaching them to respect you when they turn 17. It's gotta start earlier than that.

An hour after Alexa took off with her friends, Lynne and Frank come to find her gone. Lynne tells Frank that Alexa was not supposed to leave the house but she did.
Lynne calls Alexa and asks where she is. Alexa said she went to "Javier's" to get food and Lynne says that she brought food home for her. Alexa says "I already left. Bye." and hangs up. Lynne says that she thinks she and Frank should make a trip to Javier's and Frank says that there's only so much chasing around you can do. Ahhh. I see. The problem is Frank. He wants to be Alexa's friend and wants to give her freedom and Lynne knows that what she needs is discipline, but she has no one to back her up and help her follow through.

VICKI

Vicki heads out to the office and she looks great! She's not working from home anymore. She says that she's the only housewife who's out there working hard and her house isn't in foreclosure and she's happy with Donn and things are going well. She has a point. She goes in the office and calls a staff meeting. She asks how hard they've been working and they all say "Really hard". So Vicki surprises them with a Botox and Tanning party at WORK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WTF? I love you, Vicki, but not everyone is as superficial and plastic as you are. Well, maybe in the OC, they are.

LYNNE

Someone leaves a message for Lynne - it sounds like Raquel. The voicemail says "Alexa's curfew is 11 p.m. so she'll be home at 11." It's 11:15 pm and still no Alexa. Frank tells Lynne that she doesn't think she's doing anything bad. Frank says that he thinks they need to ease up on Alexa and Lynne says that they've been easing up too much on her. Finally, at 11:42pm, Alexa comes home. They call her upstairs and ask her where she was. She tells them that she was at her friend, Matt's birthday party. Lynne is PISSED. Alexa is in a tank top, sweat pants and Uggs. Some party. Frank tells Alexa that it's not ok for her to just walk out of the house and not tell them where she's going. Alexa interviews that she stays out late because she likes to party.

Alexa says that it's been hard lately because she's dealing with some personal stuff that she doesn't want "people" to know. I'm guessing "people" means the public. She tells Lynne that they've both been busy so she's not blaming Lynne, but when Lynne has free time, Alexa feels like her mind is somewhere else. Alexa says that she tries to communicate with them, but sometimes they put all the blame on her and don't take any responsibility. Alexa interviews that she knows her parents too well and knows they don't understand discipline. So she just talks about how hard it is to talk to them and they will forget that she was super late. Nice. She's right. They tell her that they worry about her and just want her to be safe. Alexa interviews that sometimes she wants to try to find that limit where they will say "NO! You can't do that." But so far, she hasn't hit that limit, so she'll just keep partying!!

VICKI

Michael is in Vegas with some friends. He goes to a poker room to start playing. He doesn't think other players take him seriously. He's annoying.

ALEXIS

Slade, Gretchen, Jim and Alexis are in a limo on their way to spend a day at the races. Gretchen just wanted to make sure there weren't hard feelings about the Tupperware party. They arrive at the Del Mar races. Gretchen and Alexis have huge hats on ("Take those ridiculous things off!" - Name the movie!) They go into a room and sit in a booth. Gretchen tells Alexis she is having so much more fun than last year. Gretchen brings up the blog and why she needs to have it up. Alexis just listens. She tells us that she understands both Gretchen and Tamra's perspectives and she's not taking a side. Alexis tells Gretchen that both of the stories sound right. And she says one person isn't more right. Jim chimes in and reminds Alexis of "our rule" - "We go by our experiences with a person." Alexis agrees and Jim says that they don't know the facts so they can't say who is right and who is wrong. Alexis says that she has the right say her point of view and from her point of view she thinks they both have right points and they both have wrong points.

LYNNE

Vanessa Van Petten - the Youthologist - from the first episode this season is back to help Frank and Lynne with Alexa. Lynne sees that Vanessa has helped motivate Raquel with her artwork and it's been working. Alexa is not at home but she knew she was supposed to be there for the meeting with Vanessa. Lynne calls her and Alexa says she's at her friend, Crystal's house. Lynne tells her to come home and Alexa says she'll be home later so Lynne passes the phone to Vanessa. Vanessa asks Alexa to come home now and Alexa says "okay." Vanessa asks if Alexa has been coming to them more since the last meeting. Frank says that she did for a few days, but now she's leaving without telling anyone where she's going. Frank says he thinks it's that teenage rebellion thing. These parents are way too laid back. DISCIPLINE, people!! Alexa will end up in rehab if you don't start ASAP.

Alexa shows up. Lynne tries to ask where she's been and wants to know what's going on. Alexa rolls her eyes and says nothing and then sits with Raquel. Frank interviews that Alexa came home and had no accountability for not being there on time and it's very frustrating to him. It's totally disrespectful, but no one in that house has ever taught her to treat her parents with respect. Alexa starts crying that Lynne just attacked her as soon as she walked in the door. So Vanessa takes her downstairs to get ready for a minute. Now Lynne feels like the bad guy. THAT'S OK. You're the parent, not the friend!!!

Alexa and Vanessa talk downstairs. Vanessa tells Alexa that her parents are frustrated because they don't know where she is or who she is with. They want to be close to her but they are worried about Alexa being safe. Alexa says she doesn't buy that. Vanessa says that they are finally trying to set some boundaries. And Alexa says that's not fair because Raquel never had boundaries. Yes, but Raquel ended up in REHAB! She tells Vanessa that her whole life she's had this free ride and now, all of a sudden, they are trying to put their foot down. They should have done it a long time ago, not now. Vanessa asks if she would be willing to tell that to her parents. She agrees.

They go back up to Lynne and Frank. Vanessa tells everyone that she knows today was a little bit rough and encourages them to talk to each other. Lynne says that Alexa is not doing what they need her to do. They need to know where she is and they need her home at a certain time. Lynne explains that her mind wanders and she worries when Alexa isn't home and she doesn't know where she is. Alexa says that they never set these boundaries with Raquel when she was 17 and now she feels like she's being punished for doing something wrong. Frank trusts Alexa isn't doing anything bad, they just worry about her and want her to be safe. As Frank is saying all of this to Alexa, she's texting on her phone. I would have grabbed that phone right out of her hand. SO DISRESPECTFUL. Alexa says that this is just coming out of left field and that it has to be a negotiation. Lynne reminds her that they are the parents and they tell her what to do. Alexa laughs and says that she doesn't want to talk about this anymore and starts crying that they are making her seem like the bad kid.

Raquel interviews that she's kind of embarrassed that Alexa is having a fit and crying. She says that Alexa is a drama queen. Alexa gets up and says she's done talking to them about this. DRAMA.

Alexa says she's leaving. Lynne asks who is picking her up and she says "her friends". Lynne asks which friends and Alexa just walks out. See, I would not be calmly sitting on the couch if that happened. I would be taking away privileges. The phone would be the first to go. Not ok. How can they just quietly sit there?

Until next time...

Real Housewives OC, Season Five - Episode 8

Last time: Gretchen tried to be Alexa's mom, Vicki and Donn renewed their vows and Tamra doesn't think her marriage is as great as Simon does.

LYNNE

Lynne and her dog go for a walk with Gretchen and her dogs. Who takes their dog for a walk in high heeled flip flops? Lynne, apparently. Lynne confronts Gretchen about the talk with Alexa. Lynne says that Alexa told her that Gretchen was scared for Alexa's life. Alexa + Lynne = Drama. Gretchen tells Lynne that the last couple of times she's seen her, Alexa has mentioned being depressed. Lynne tells Gretchen that it's a hormonal thing and that Alexa even said to her that Gretchen thought Alexa was going to hurt herself. Gretchen tells Lynne that it was nothing like that, but she was concerned because she knows too many kids who get involved in drugs or end up pregnant or they do something stupid because they want someone to pay attention to them. First of all, who are all these "kids" Gretchen knows who are druggies and pregnant?

Lynne tells us that she wants to know why Gretchen has taken a sudden interest in her daughter. It's clear that Lynne feels defensive and a little taken aback that this woman wants to be her daughter's new best friend. Lynne tells us - as she stares blankly into the camera - "What [Gretchen]? Do you think you're really a great role model for my daughter that you think you can give advice? I don't." Gretchen tells Lynne that she just doesn't want Alexa to do anything for attention. Lynne tells Gretchen "until you're a parent, you really don't know what you're in for." Lynne tells us that she did not like Gretchen swooping in trying to parent her daughter. Gretchen tells Lynne that Alexa didn't take offense to Gretchen meeting with her, in fact, Alexa started crying and telling Gretchen that her parents don't pay attention to her. Why, Gretchen? Why did you have to go there? Lynne jokes that she should be cuffed and taken away for being a bad parent. Gretchen tells Lynne that she told Alexa that her parents love her, but Gretchen is there to listen anytime. Lynne just tells Gretchen that she can't wait until Gretchen has kids.

Lynne asks Gretchen what kind of teenager she was. Gretchen says that she was a tough kid and hard to deal with. Lynne tells Gretchen that she's STILL a kid and still getting into trouble. Gretchen asks how she's getting into trouble and Lynne brings up Tamra's party where Gretchen got completely DRUNK off her ass. Gretchen says that she wasn't getting into trouble. Lynne just tells Gretchen that she tries to do her best. She tries to be a good parent and talk to her daughter.

Ok, I'm Team Lynne on this one. I don't have kids and I have - more than once - given unsolicited advice to a parent about how to raise their child. I used to be a nanny, I studied child development in college, I worked at an infant development center, so sometimes I think I can give advice. But I shouldn't. It's none of my business. They are not my children and I need to BUTT OUT. Just like Gretchen should. I think that Gretchen's heart is in the right place and I see that she's reaching out to Alexa. But, if you want to SINCERELY reach out, don't do it on national television. That's just embarrassing to Alexa and Lynne. Even though I do not have kids, I can understand Lynne's perspective. I know that being a parent changes everything.

TAMRA

Tamra and Vicki are talking on the phone and Vicki apologizes for overreacting in Florida. Don't apologize, the girls should be apologizing to YOU. Vicki tells Tamra about her plans to have all the girls over for a sleepover. Tamra's in!!

GRETCHEN

Gretchen whines to Slade about her walk with Lynne. Gretchen is upset about the meeting with Lynne. She tells Slade that Lynne said that Gretchen doesn't know anything because she doesn't have kids. Well, Gretchen, Lynne kind of has a point. I know you've been a teenager but that was 13 years ago. It doesn't matter that you still act like one, you don't know what it's like to have one of your own. Then she tells Slade that Lynne said that she can't wait until Gretchen has kids as if she's hoping Gretchen has a bad situation. Ok, that's not true. I think Lynne said that because when you have kids, you understand what it feels like to have someone else butt in and try and tell you how to raise them. Slade - useless as usual - says that he's starting to feel like the doctor pulled Lynne's face a little too tight. Gretchen cackles and says "that's mean." Slade says that he doesn't understand why Lynne always plays the role of the babbling ding dong. He says that Lynne gets in these random digs at people and then laughs it off like she doesn't know what she's talking about. That's SO NOT TRUE. Lynne never takes digs at people. And, I don't think she was trying to take digs at Gretchen. I think Lynne was hurt and offended and was sticking up for herself. Gretchen tells Slade that she was really hurt by Lynne. So Slimy Slade tells Gretchen that she really needs to re-evaluate her relationships and friendships with the ladies.

TAMRA

Tamra brings Ryan Chinese food at her mom's house. Ryan is staying with her mother until he gets a job. Ryan tells Tamra about a job he is trying to get at Sylabs (?). Then he tells her that he's going to do community service instead of doing the jail time. I think he realized as he is going through the job searching process, jail time does not look so hot on the applications. Tamra brings up making amends with Simon. Ryan refuses to apologize. A few months ago, Tamra and Simon were away for the weekend and Ryan took Tamra's (really, Simon's) mercedes out for a drive with a suspended driver's license. Simon is pissed because the car is in his name and, if something happened, Simon would be responsible. Ryan won't apologize because, if he does, Simon will have the upper hand. I see Ryan's point...and Tamra's. Tamra just wants peace between her son and her husband. BUT, her husband is a controlling a**hole and Ryan sees that very clearly. So Simon has demanded an apology, which Ryan "should" give him, but because Simon DEMANDS it, Ryan doesn't want to give in. I get it, but Ryan just needs to suck it up. If for no other reason, to make his mom's life easier since she's the one who has to live with the Ed Hardy T-Shirt wearing D-bag.

LYNNE

Lynne starts to tell Frank about their walk. She starts to tell Frank that she was just being honest with Gretchen ... and the phone rings. It's Gretchen. Frank excuses himself and secretly thanks Gretchen for saving him from having to hear the recap of the park conversation. Gretchen tells Lynne that she felt like Lynne was aggressive with her on the walk and that it was hard for her. Um, aggressive? Really? Maybe they didn't film that part. WTF? Lynne tells Gretchen that she'll understand when she's a parent and she's not a parent yet, so she doesn't understand. Lynne tells her that it's hard to see Gretchen giving her daughter advice when she sees things in Gretchen's life not going perfectly. Zing! Lynne asks why Gretchen feels like she can give her daughter advice. Gretchen tells Lynne that she didn't give Alexa advice, she just told her that if she needed someone to talk to Gretchen was there to listen. I see Gretchen's point here - I think Lynne might be a little too defensive. Lynne tells Gretchen that her daughter is great and she's doing great and she's not doing things she's not supposed to be doing...."she's not on the internet." Zing! Again! Lynne is on a roll. Gretchen calls Lynne out and says that was one of those little digs. (ok, maybe she does give little digs. But this is the first time I've seen Lynne do this.) Gretchen starts getting defensive and says that she didn't put herself all over the internet. Some guy posted all those pictures. Yes, Gretchen, but you POSED for those pictures. If you POSE for pictures in pornographic positions and NAKED and someone takes pictures of you in those positions, that's almost like putting them on the internet yourself. Especially since, this is the guy she keeps claiming wasn't her boyfriend - he was just "some guy". Why would you let "some guy" take compromising photos of you NAKED?? But, I digress.

Lynne says that Gretchen is saying she's not a good parent and Gretchen interrupts and says that she's not saying that nor has she ever said that. Gretchen tells Lynne that if she feels that way, it's Lynne's issue. It's not something Gretchen is saying. I actually think that Gretchen is right on this one. Like I said, if Gretchen approached Alexa privately, away from the cameras, then I would be on Team Gretchen because Gretchen is really just offering to be a listener for Alexa and I would think that Lynne is overreacting. However, since it's on TV, I'm on Team Lynne because she feels disrespected for doing this PUBLICLY to Alexa and making her feel like a bad mom.

Lynne says that she wished Gretchen would have confronted her first before talking to Alexa. Yeah...she did. Gretchen tells Lynne that she told her she was concerned and she even asked if she could take Alexa shopping to talk to her about it!!! She's right. Lynne didn't get offended or upset until Alexa got upset about it. Whatever. Gretchen invites Frank and Lynne over for dinner at her house. Lynne agrees and Frank wishes he could not do this show anymore. Frank doesn't want to talk about it. He tells Lynne that they are making way too much out of this. AGREED.

VICKI

Michael, Vicki's son, has been playing online poker since he graduated and he's won $40K. Vicki doesn't know what he's doing but Michael hasn't asked her for money, so she's cool with it. Vicki asks Michael when he's going to start working for her. Michael says he'll be there when he runs out of money. Vicki is so controlling, but I love her so much. I just know that's how I'd be as a mother.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen and Slade are making dinner. Gretchen tells Slade that she's nervous because Lynne was really mad. I see her point. It's hard to make Lynne mad. She's always so happy and smiley. Slade tells Gretchen that Lynne's ego is bruised because Gretchen was able to get info out of Lynne's daughter that Lynne couldn't get. Dumb...and not true. Slade is such a sleezy instigator. WHY ARE YOU BACK ON THIS SHOW?? Where are YOUR kids, Slade?? It's not like you're Father of the Year. I can't stand Slade. Gretchen sounds like Simon - she tells us that ever since Lynne has been hanging out with Tamra, Gretchen has noticed a change in Lynne. It totally sounds like Simon having an issue with Tamra and Vicki. HAHA. Gretchen tells Slade to be nice because she still wants to be friends with Lynne.

Lynne and Frank show up. Lynne tells us that she wasn't sure how long they'd be there because Frank told her he would leave if someone says something that pisses him off. Someone better put a muzzle on Slade.

Gretchen starts by telling Lynne and Frank that she was not trying to offend them as parents at all. I believe that. She tells them that when she was a teenager, she could NEVER talk to her parents about anything. Gretchen tells us that she was bulimic as a teenager and never followed the rules and all she was doing was looking out for a kid who sent out the same kind of signals. Lynne tells Gretchen that she and Alexa talk all the time. It should have ended there. Gretchen should have apologized for getting involved and told Lynne it wasn't her place. She only wanted Alexa to know that she's another adult she can talk to. The end. But, it didn't end there. Lynne says that she knows every aspect of Alexa's life and SLADE opens his big fat mouth and says "You know only what she tells you. There's no way that a teenage girl will tell you every aspect of her life." Gretchen tries to interject and tells Slade to hold on. Lynne is PISSED.

Lynne interviews "Are you kidding me?" She tells us that she's heard rumors that Slade has skipped out on paying child support and that he has NO RIGHT to tell her ANYTHING about being a good parent. "He is a poser." AGREED!! Slade keeps going. He tells her that he's going to be honest with her. He says "Me being your friend, Lynne, means I'm going to be honest. And you might be pissed at me and you might not like what I have to say. But ultimately I have enough respect for you to tell you how it is. Hopefully, you get it and we remain friends." What a d-bag. Seriously. Lynne tells us that she doesn't need people telling her how to raise her kids. Especially people who let OTHER PEOPLE raise their kids. Slade says that he and Gretchen are the type of people that err on the side of caution. SINCE WHEN?? He tells Lynne that he feels better knowing that the concern for Alexa is out there and if Alexa wants to talk to Lynne about it, that's awesome.

Frank finally speaks. He says "This is a bunch of bullshit. Alexa is a normal teenager. She goes through her ups and downs. We try to explain to her that it's normal to feel blue once and awhile." Lynne says that there's no cause for alarm. Gretchen tells them that she disagrees because she dealt with Jeff's teenagers and she put them in check real quick. Ok, but Alexa is not Jeff's teenager. Alexa has two loving parents who are still married and her mom is home! Not the same, Gretch. Lynne tells us that she doesn't think Gretchen is a good role model for her daughter. Frank tells Gretchen that he knows his children and that he wants to be friends with his kids. Gretchen tells him that it's fine to be your kids' friend, but you also have to be there parent. [I disagree. I don't think parents should ever be "friends" with their kids. To quote Vanessa Williams' mother "I'm not your friend. You've got plenty of 'friends'. I am your MOTHER."]

Lynne tells us that she thinks Gretchen and Slade are being very calculated and trying to make themselves look better by making Lynne and Frank look bad. Gretchen tells Lynne and Frank that she's made bad choices and because of those bad choices, she can help kids make good ones. Frank finally says that a defense mechanism goes off when you're a mother. He tells Gretchen that all bets are off when it comes to your kids. Period. And that's really the bottom line and the point here. Gretchen and Slade can try to "reason" with Lynne and Frank all they want, but the bottom line is Alexa is their daughter and they feel attacked. Lynne tells us that she knows how Gretchen is and that she doesn't need to get involved with Alexa...Gretchen can look for other things to do. HAHA!!

ALEXIS

Alexis and her friend are at the day spa and Alexis is wearing her huge ass diamond medallion necklace that is "7.5 carats". Alexis tells us that sometimes she just needs some "me time" at the spa and gets away for a couple of hours. She tells us that she's lucky she can get away because she has "help". It must be very stressful and exhausting for her to shop and lunch with friends and get botox and workout while two other women are raising her children all day. I could see how she needs to "get away". Seriously?? What is she getting away from?

Alexis and her friend are talking about the housewives. She says that she gets along best with Tamra, but doesn't really connect with the other girls. Oh, and Gretchen.

VICKI

Vicki is setting up for her sleepover. Donn helped her get everything together. He tells Vicki he got a hotel for the night so he's taking off. They hug and kiss. Then Vicki says "I don't need to talk to you tonight. Love you. Good night. 'Bye." I LOVE THEM. Gretchen arrives and Vicki tells her about her vacation with Donn and tells her that they fell in love all over again. Vicki is pouring martinis and tells Gretchen that she has a surprise and then they are all going to teepee Jeanna!! HAHA. Tamra and Alexis show up. Tamra tells Vicki that Simon is in the car and asks if he can come in...JUST KIDDING!! Haha!! That was funny, Tamra. They sit at the bar in Vicki's house and Alexis says that Lynne was lost so she's going to call her. Vicki: "She would be lost." HAHA.

The girls are all enjoying drinks and appetizers and Alexis says that she has to leave her phone on because Jim will be calling with lots of questions ("where's the toilet paper?" "Where are the bowls?" "Where are the spoons?") Alexis tells the girls she's totally serious. Tamra asks if Jim changes diapers and Alexis says that he has NEVER changed a diaper. I would criticize, but Alexis has TWO NANNIES. She probably hasn't changed any diapers either. Tamra is in shock - although, if Simon could have afforded it, Tamra would have had two nannies, too. Alexis says that her nanny can't stay overnight, so Alexis needs to go home tonight. Tamra is shocked. She tells us that if a kid poops and a diaper needs to be changed, Alexis has to leave. Ok, now THAT is f'ing ridiculous. If it works for you, great. It would absolutely NOT work for me. HELL NO. If I have to change shitty diapers, my husband will have to change shitty diapers.

Lynne walks in and says that she walked right into the screen door. HAHA. Oh Lynne. I love crazy Lynne. They are all outside having dinner. Vicki tells the girls that a surprise is coming at 10pm. Gretchen and Alexis try to find out what it is when they hear the doorbell, but Vicki locks them out. Vicki's surprise is Dougall, a psychic. I'm not sure if I believe in psychics - and all the ladies claim they don't believe in psychics - but this guy has each of those women pegged!! The girls are all confused by his name and he tells them that it's Scottish. Gretchen says that she doesn't want to do this and all the girls are skeptical if Dougall is really psychic. Here we go:

Gretchen is first: Dougall asks if she's in a new relationship. Gretchen says yes. He asks how long and she says 5 months. Dougall asks if he can be honest and then says that he doesn't love it. Then he asks if the other women think that the guy (Slade) is a good fit for Gretchen. Vicki can't hold back. She says that there's a big world out there and Gretchen is a beautiful girl so she shouldn't get stuck with the first guy who comes by. For Vicki, that was pretty tame. Dougall tells Gretchen that he's not sure this guy is the best choice for her. Gretchen tells him that he's known her for 2 minutes and he already knows this. Dougall says the problem is that when Gretchen is with him, she becomes immersed in his world, but then she forgets about her own needs. Gretchen calls bullshit.

Next up is Tamra: Dougall tells her she's surrounded by blue. He tells her that it's the color of truth and light and that Tamra is very bright. But, he tells her that she has a fear of abandonment. He tells Tamra that she's so beautiful and bright and friendly, but he gets a sense of "don't get too close." Tamra tells him that she doesn't like people touching her. He tells her that she's an adult and no one is ever going to hurt her like that again. He tells her that she has this defense mechanism, but she has so much to offer. And that she's most powerful when she's totally relaxed and not worrying about it at all. He tells her to always speak her truth even if it pisses people off.

Now it's Alexis: Dougall tells Alexis that she has pink around her. Pink is the light of perfection. Alexis tells us that she's a firm Christian and she doesn't believe in those kind of careers, i.e. psychics. What kind of careers do you believe in? What career do you have? OH, that's right. You don't do ANYTHING. You don't even take care of your own children. You have TWO NANNIES to do that for you. Anyhow, Dougall tells Alexis that she's very critical of herself and she's a perfectionist. He tells her that her kids need "slob night" where they can do whatever and not be perfect. He tells her he's afraid of her passing on that perfectionist part of herself onto them.

Vicki: Dougall tells Vicki that she's very auditory, meaning that she needs to hear that she's beautiful, she needs to hear that people are dedicated to her. Vicki tells Dougall that she and Donn just renewed their wedding vows. Dougall congratulates her but says that he feels like he needs more effort and more on an emotional level. He tells Vicki that she likes things done HER WAY. And, in the business world, that works. So it makes sense that she would transfer that to her personal relationships. But Vicki has a tendency to want to fix things herself, her way, when they aren't working.

Finally, Lynne: She is surrounded by emerald green which is the color of communication. Dougall tells her that she needs to work on expressing herself. Dougall says that he thinks she knows how she feels - she's not out of touch with her feelings - but she needs to let those feelings out. Lynne tells us that she expresses her feelings all the time and that he is full of "dougall".

For all those ladies, I think Dougall hit the nail on the head. He closes by telling the ladies that they have been brought together to learn from one another. He tells them that they all balance each other out and they will trigger the crap out of each other which is part of the process. But, at the same time, they are all tremendously powerful women and they wouldn't be there if they weren't. Tamra asks if she can talk to him one on one. Then she tells us that Dougall called her pretty and smart and didn't call any of the other girls pretty and smart: "I love that guy." I like Tamra. She cracks me up.

Tamra gets all serious with Dougall and tells him about her son, Ryan. She fears that he will die young. Dougall says that he won't die young, but he is troubled and he'll find his way. But, he tells Tamra that she needs to back off a little. He also says that he sees Ryan in real estate and Tamra says that SHE's in real estate. ["N!! Newstand!! He works at a Newstand!! Ahh." - name the movie!]

Alexis brought Jell-O shots and they are all having them. I miss Jell-O shots!! They have their shots and put on masks that Tamra brought so they can go outside and teepee Jeanna's house. They all barge into Michael's room to scare him while he's on his laptop in bed. HA. Cut to Michael interviewing that he's planning on getting a place of his own as soon as possible. The girls head outside to teepee Jeanna's house. They all have fun and come back inside.

In the end, all the girls went home to sleep in their own beds.

VICKI

Briana and her friends go bowling and have some sushi and saki bombs. WOOT!

TAMRA

Tamra tells Simon that Ryan is coming over to pick up his mail. Ryan comes by the house to pick up his mail, but tries to come over when Simon is not home. He doesn't realize that Simon will be there. Ryan walks in and it's awkward. The other kids have dyed the white dog's tail and ears hot pink. Ryan is a little surprised to see Simon there. Ryan's phone rings and it's the people at Sylabs - where Ryan interviewed. The guy offers Ryan the job and Ryan is super excited. Ryan will be the branch manager. Good for Ryan. Simon congratulates Ryan and Ryan thanks him. Simon tells Ryan that he has so much potential. Tamra is excited that the boys are talking and asks if the guys have made up. Simon says no because there is one thing that Ryan has to do and Ryan should have done it a long time ago. Ryan apologizes for taking Simon's car and Simon stands up and asks to hear it again, so Ryan repeats it. Simon is such an ass. Simon tells Ryan that owning up to our mistakes is the first step in being a man. UGH. SO ANNOYING. No wonder Ryan didn't apologize sooner. He probably enjoyed not being around Simon. The only great thing is that it made Tamra happy.

As Ryan walks out, he looks at the dog and says "The dog is creepy." HAHA.

See you next time.

Real Housewives OC, Season Five - Episode 7

Last time on Real Housewives was the Girls Weekend which turned into Girls - and some of their insecure controlling husbands/boyfriends - Weekend.

"Love and War"

VICKI

Vicki and Donn are walking on the beach together. Vicki thanks Donn for allowing her to have her space and not coming to Florida. She tells him she appreciates him for not being clingy. They sit down and she reads a letter that she wrote to Donn. It's a very sweet letter about how they have overcome so many obstacles and they are still together after 15 years. Donn gets teary. Vicki says that she planned a surprise vacation for just the two of them. He kisses her and they are both teary. It's really sweet. I'm so glad that things are better between them. Vicki is so much better than in past seasons.

ALEXIS

Alexis is outside blowing bubbles with her kids and, of course, the nanny. Seriously? You can't even blow bubbles with your kids in the morning for a little while without the nanny?? Jeez. Alexis tells them they have to stop now and get ready for church. Here we go. The girls are getting ready for church. Alexis tells us how church is very important to her and she remembers begging her mom to take her to church when she was 7 years old. Really? Ugh. Jim says that it's important for him and his family to pray everyday. He says every morning he lays his hand on each of his kids and Alexis so they can be blessed and protected for the day. WTF? They all walk out of the house and this makes me so sad...Jim is holding one of the girls and she's crying and reaching for - the Nanny. Jim gives up and gives her to the nanny. So sad. If I have a nanny, I hope my kids don't prefer her over me. That would totally make me sad.

I have no problem with people having God in their life and being religious. I really don't. In fact, I have my own personal relationship with God. The thing that bugs me about these people is that it's all for show. They are such HYPOCRITES!! If they practiced what they preach, I'd have no problem with it. But they say God is the most important thing and then parade around like Hugh Hefner with one of his bunnies.

TAMRA

Tamra asks the kids if they want her and Simon to take them away for the weekend. Sofia says that she doesn't want to go to the beach because she's sick of it...too much. I would LOVE to be sick of going to the beach right now. My fingers are freezing as I'm typing this. Tamra tells Simon that Vicki knows he hates her. He says that Vicki was rude to him in Florida and that she needs to mind her own business. He says that if Vicki had a healthy marriage, she could give any advice she wants, but she doesn't. Well...? Simon says that Vicki wants Tamra to treat him like shit and that's not acceptable. Tamra says that Vicki can't make her to do anything. Then Simon says that Vicki would like it if he and Tamra didn't get along and he's been telling Tamra that for 2 years now. Tamra interviews that Simon has a problem with strong women which is why he has a problem with Vicki and that Vicki is her friend and if he doesn't like that, it's his problem. Simon tells Tamra that their marriage is fine and that Vicki and Don's is not fine. Simon tells Tamra that they - Simon and Tamra - have a very even relationship. He says that it works and they wouldn't be this happy and married this long if it didn't. Tamra doesn't agree and looks uncomfortable but she just nods and says "uh-huh".

Then, Tamra asks Simon how he would feel if she made amends with Gretchen. Simon would NOT be happy with that. He tells Tamra if she wants to be friends with Gretchen, then Tamra is not the person he knows. Simon says that he feels sorry for her but he doesn't want her around him or his wife or his family. Simon tells Tamra not to be a hypocrite and she gets upset. She says that she is NOT a hypocrite. She will forgive Gretchen but she won't ever forget what she did. Tamra also says that she doesn't hold grudges because doing that only hurts your insides. She's right. Simon says that someone who does what Gretchen did will do it again and he doesn't want that in his life.

Tamra says that Simon just writes people off so fast and that he never likes any of her friends. Simon says he just likes to surround himself with good people. I feel like I'm a lot like Simon, but in the opposite direction. He likes to be around pretty, dumb women who have no backbone and no opinions. I like to surround myself with smart, intelligent, motivated women who are strong and direct. Simon tells Tamra that he's protective of his wife and family and doesn't want people like Gretchen around them. Tamra gives him an "are you kidding me?" look and then Simon says that he's going to "put [his] foot down on this" and Tamra just looks away and says "ok" as in "whatever".

The thing is Simon IS CONTROLLING. Yes, that's obvious and absolutely a fact. BUT, Tamra knew that and, I think, liked it before they were married and after they were married until she got involved with the Real Housewives. I think she saw that not everyone lives like she does and that she doesn't like being controlled. She was also probably embarrassed watching her marriage on TV and receiving nasty comments about being controlled. I can understand that, but I also understand why Simon is frustrated. She knew what she was getting into when she married him.

ALEXIS

OMG!!! Alexis and Jim don't just go to church. They go to the "Free Chapel". It's one of those corporate churches with a Christian Rock band playing and a "pastor" who is more of a motivational speaker than an actual religious preacher. Tamra interviews that she didn't see Jim and Alexis as church going folks. And, quite frankly, they aren't. They go to those huge corporate building-like "churches" that cater to wealthy individuals to make them feel ok about being rich and superficial and to collect big "offerings". The "pastor" was basically telling them that it's ok to be successful and if others are whining about not being successful, tell them to "get over it." I see his point, but I'm pretty sure that's not what Jesus or God would say. This "church" just wants their money. If Alexis and Jim are dumb enough to give it to them, good for the church. SUCKERS! These guys are like the "born agains". Tamra interviews, when Alexis and Jim say that to keep their marriage strong, they need to keep the devil out, she thinks the Devil would want to honk "700 cc's" referring to Alexis's fake boobs! HAHA!! Gretchen says "700 cc's?? Gimme some of that Christian." HAHA!

GRETCHEN

Gretchen decides to play the therapist and wants to take Alexa out to "shop" and talk about what Alexa is feeling. Gretchen says that the last couple of times she's been around Alexa, she's heard her say that she's depressed and Lynne just blows her off. Gretchen is concerned because she remembers being a teenager and not feeling heard and wants to be someone that Alexa can talk to. Maybe after her chat with Alexa, Gretchen says she may be able to give Lynne some advice.
This will not end well. Lynne is completely clueless, but no one - no matter how loopy they are - want to be told how to raise their kids by someone who has no kids and has no experience with kids.

Gretchen calls Lynne to ask if she can take Alexa shopping. And she tells Lynne that she wants to maybe get Alexa to talk to her. Lynne says it sounds great.

VICKI

Vicki and Donn are packing for their trip. Vicki wants to keep it a surprise but Donn wants to know. Vicki tells Donn that they are going to Turks & Caicos. OMG! Donn is super excited. I would be, too. I totally want to go to Turks & Caicos. They arrive to a champagne reception. They also have a personal concierge who takes them to their pimped out suite. It's beautiful. I want to be married to Vicki. Donn totally hit the jackpot! It's fantastic. What a fabulous vacation. Vicki: "See, someone who says 'money doesn't matter' is...poor." I kind of agree. Having money and going to those awesome places where celebs go and get awesome service would be fabulous.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen and Alexa are shopping. Gretchen tells Alexa that she called her because she heard Alexa say lately that she's depressed. Gretchen says that when she was a teenager, she felt like no one heard her. She tells Alexa that she cares and has been hearing her say that she's depressed and sad. Alexa is taken off guard, but then tells Gretchen that no one listens to her and starts crying a little. Gretchen hugs her and lets her know that she's there to listen. Then, she quickly says "let's shop". Alexa interviews that she went to meet Gretchen to have fun and shop and didn't want to talk about being depressed. Awkward.

VICKI

Vicki and Donn are on the beach drinking some rum punch at a Conch and Rum Shack. The manager, J.D., asks if they want to see how they take the Conch out of the shell. Vicki is grossed out but it's kind of cool. J.D. tells them it's a mussel. It looks like it has the same consistency. J.D. pulls out the "pistol" which is the part that make you horny if you eat it. The pistol is the island viagra. Hmmm. Donn eats a couple of pistols. Vicki tells J.D. to load Donn up. Ew.

TAMRA

Tamra is house hunting with Realtor Marcos because Simon didn't want to come. Marcos asks her if she's familiar with the area and she says that's where her first house was and where she was much happier. She's looking at houses to rent. She walks through one that's $5000/mo. Tamra says that Simon would be a fool not to notice that she's not happy in the marriage.

VICKI

It's sunset in Turks and Caicos and Vicki and Donn are having dinner. They are being so sweet to each other. Vicki talks to Donn about how things were 15 years ago and how far they've come. She had their concierge bring their wedding album to the table with a picture of Vicki and Donn and Briana and Michael on their wedding day. Donn is totally crying and so sweet. I'm totally tearing up. Vicki asks if Donn would marry her again. Donn says "absolutely, yes." So Vicki tells him that tomorrow they are going to renew their wedding vows. Vicki asks if he's ok with that and Donn says that he is "so in." Vicki says that this is the grandest gesture she's ever done for Donn and that he deserves it and is a good man. Donn is a good man. He's totally overwhelmed. It's cute. I love Donn and Vicki. She's a little over the top, but she's got a good heart and Donn is such a practical, down to earth guy.

LYNNE

Lynne and Alexa are working out together. Lynne complains about how out of shape she is since she hasn't been able to work out in 4 weeks because of her face lift. I think it would be annoying to have a mom like that. Lynne is TINY and she's complaining to her daughter (who is taller and beautiful, but also a little bigger than Lynne) about being fat. SO LAME. This is how young girls get eating disorders! Anyhow, Lynne keeps asking Alexa if her face is still ok. Dumb. They are in the weight room and Lynne asks Alexa how shopping with Gretchen went. Alexa says that she thought Gretchen took her shopping to have fun and chill out but then Gretchen says that she hears Alexa is depressed. Lynne acts totally surprised - even though she knew this was why Gretchen asked her daughter to shop - and says "OMG. It's like an ambush. She was ambushing you." Alexa says that Gretchen was trying to take the pressure off of herself and attack Alexa because Alexa is an easy target. Lynne interviews that Gretchen is not a mom and doesn't have a teenage daughter so she doesn't understand how they are. Lynne says that they are like yo-yos and change from day-to-day. One day they are depressed and the next day they're happy. Lynne tells Alexa that, as a parent, she's insulted because it makes her feel like she's not doing a good job. Alexa says that it was just wrong the way it came out and it was almost like Gretchen was targeting Alexa to make herself feel better. Lynne interviews that it's insulting to her that Gretchen thinks she would have better advice for her daughter than she would. Alexa says that Gretchen is like 40 and Lynne says that she's not 40 - but see what I'm saying?? Gretchen totally looks older than 33!!! Lynne says it's confusing to her why Gretchen wanted to take Alexa shopping and makes her wonder how much she can trust Gretchen.

Ok, I think Lynne was cool with the whole Gretchen thing until Alexa complained about it. Then Lynne thought about it more and realized that maybe she should be insulted by the gesture. I agree that Gretchen may have overstepped a little and confronting Alexa in a boutique was a little random and weird. However, Gretchen's motives seemed genuine. I don't think she's trying to tell Lynne what to do or say that Lynne is a bad mom. I think Gretchen probably feels like she can relate to what Alexa is going through and wants her to know that she understands. I think Alexa was probably a little embarrassed by the confrontation and that's why she's so defensive about it to her mom. I think her mom could have been more supportive and talked about the subject instead of going after Gretchen. What this whole issue says to me is that Gretchen should just retreat and butt out and Lynne should get Alexa a trained mental health professional that she can talk to on a regular basis. And, probably some family counseling would be good for them.

VICKI

Vicki and Donn are getting ready for their renewal ceremony. It's absolutely gorgeous on the beach. Donn is nervous and it's so cute. Vicki looks very pretty - although, the huge cross necklace was a little much. They are sweet to each other and Donn says his vows which are so amazing. They are both crying a little. Then Vicki says hers and gives him his last surprise: the ring. I feel uncomfortable for them in this moment. Vicki hands him the ring and tells him it's one and a half carats, princess cut diamonds and tells him to look at it. It was a weird moment. Donn is super grateful and thanks her for the ring and says it's amazing. I just found it a little tacky for Vicki to tell him all the particulars in the middle of the ceremony. Just awkward. They kiss and walk off onto the beach. Donn interviews that it felt better than the first time around. He says that they are in such a better place. They are so cute.

TAMRA

Tamra is having lunch with her mom. She tells her mom about her meeting with Gretchen and her mom just tells her to be careful. They chat a little about Gretchen dating "Jo's Slade" and Tamra knows this is hard for her mom because her dad left her for one of her friends. Then she asks if her friend was out of the picture, would her mom get back together with her dad. Her mom says no because she's not in love with him anymore. Then she says that love and marriage takes work and that you have to work to make a marriage work. Tamra asks what that means and her mom says that it means that things aren't going to be perfect all the time, but you have to stick with it. Tamra starts to cry and puts her face in her hands. Her mom says that Tamra has to work at her relationship. Tamra says she doesn't know what to do because there's so much built up resentment. She says she tries to be a good wife and a good mother and she doesn't think she's the person Simon wants her to be. She says that Simon treats her like he doesn't trust her and like she's property. She doesn't want to be with someone who tells her she's doing something wrong 24 hours a day. Tamra asks her mom what Simon wants and she tells Tamra that he wants a housewife and Tamra isn't just a housewife. Tamra says that if it was just her and Simon, she would leave...no question. Then her mom cries and says that Tamra has 3 babies to take care of (4, 9, 11). Tamra says that the last thing she wants is to be 42, with 3 kids, living in a condo and trying to take care of herself and her kids, but she doesn't know if she has anymore fight in her. She says that there's part of her that thinks Simon will never change. Yeah, I could have told you that. Of course he's not going to change. People don't change...you need to accept him for who he is or move on.

UPDATE: Simon filed for divorce from Tamra saying that she verbally abused him and was unfaithful. He's also requesting that she not receive any spousal support. HAHA!!! Oh, Simon. You are so naive and have a bad lawyer. First, CA is a NO FAULT DIVORCE state so it doesn't matter if Tamra cheated or not. It's irrelevant. Second, you've been married for 12 years. That's a "long term marriage" under CA law which means she could receive spousal support for the rest of her life or until she remarries. Even if they were married less than 10 years, she could receive Spousal Support for AT LEAST half the length of the marriage. Spousal support is discretionary and up to the court, but given that she doesn't have a steady job because Simon wouldn't let her have one, it will be difficult for him to argue that she can support herself.

See you next week!!