Previously on the show: Alexis had her own opinion about the Gretchen/Tamra drama, Lynne and Frank have no clue about disciplining a teenager and Gretchen had a tupperware party.
GRETCHEN
Last year, Jeff - her deceased fiance - bought Gretchen a Harley. She has since gotten her motorcycle license and is ready to take it out for a ride. She is RIDICULOUS. It's like this woman has a closet full of costumes. She never just dresses as herself. She has a full-on Harley outfit just to take the bike out...complete with the pink bandana with a skull and cross bones on it. Really, Gretchen? She and Slade are made for each other. POSERS.
TAMRA
Simon and Tamra are getting the kids up for school. Simon is getting the cereal out - of course it's full of sugar. He's also making them sandwiches. Tamra tells us that the kids feel the tension between her and Simon. They have to sell the house and their finances aren't good and that creates a lot of tension. It sure does, particularly when money was the basis for the marriage in the first place.
Tamra says that she's hungry because she didn't eat yesterday before she went to bed. Her son, Spencer, says that he didn't either "so get used to it." HA. Tamra and Simon both tell him not to talk like that. Actually, they just call him a "smart mouth." Implicit disapproval. Tamra tells us that things have been strained, but marriage is hard work and she will do whatever she has to and they will get through it. Hmmm...that's not what the tabloids say. I agree with her, though. I'm not married, but I know that relationships are hard and they take a lot of work. I can imagine that once you throw kids and a mortgage and a marriage contract into the mix, it becomes a lot harder.
The kids take off on their bikes to school. Simon follows them in the car and checks in on them and the kids tell him that he's embarrassing them. HA. Cute.
LYNNE
Alexa is at her friend's house and they are putting on make-up. Alexa tells her that she and her mom have been fighting non-stop. It's a tough situation. Lynne and Frank have never enforced rules, so it's hard to start when Alexa is 17. I mean, didn't they learn anything from Raquel? Even so, Alexa is SO disrespectful. She always says that her parents should just ground her, but if they did, she wouldn't respect it.
Alexa tells her friend that her mom is on her case all the time lately and they are going shopping this afternoon to spend time together. Lynne tells us that she's totally frustrated with Alexa right now because she does whatever she wants no matter what Lynne tells her.
Lynne picks her up and they engage in some small talk. Then Lynne asks Alexa what the deal was with Alexa not showing up on time for the appointment with Vanessa - the teen consultant person. Alexa tells Lynne that she was hungover and couldn't make it on time. [Sidenote: Lynne looks like she needs a booster seat. She looks tiny in the front seat, like she's struggling to look over the steering wheel. It's so weird. Someone get her a phonebook, STAT.] This is where Alexa goes on her "parenting" tirade and tells us that her parents should do something about her if they don't like what she's doing. Like keep her in the house, ground her, etc. As if that would work. She would cry and say that they favor Raquel and they'd give up. Dumb. Lynne and Frank have FOLLOW THROUGH issues. They need to threaten to take something away and then actually take it away. LIKE HER PHONE! Let's see her try to buy a new one with NO MONEY.
Alexa tells Lynne that she doesn't want to talk to Vanessa, she wants to talk to Lynne, but she feels like Lynne is not there. Lynne tells her that she's trying to work and be a mom and it's really hard right now. Ok, Lynne, I get it. It's hard to be a working mom. But, if you want to earn your daughter's respect and you want her to talk to you, you need to make yourself available and not put your own stress on her. You are the mom. Alexa: "So you turn your problems over to this girl, a little older than ME. You expect her to know what to do?" GOOD POINT, Alexa!! If they went to a real family therapist, that therapist would tell Lynne and Frank what I am saying. First, it's a little late to start setting limits. BUT, this is where we are so set boundaries and rules and then STICK TO THEM WITH CONSEQUENCES IF YOU DON'T. Why is this hard?
Lynne asks Alexa if Vanessa inspires her a little bit. Alexa tells Lynne that she wants her MOM to inspire her, not some random girl. Lynne dismisses Alexa's comment and they head into the mall. Alexa tells Lynne that hiring some girl to come into their family makes her feel like some rebel and she's not. Alexa tells her that she's mature for her age - NOT TRUE - and she doesn't understand why Lynne and Frank can't just talk to her. They decide to sit on a bench to finish this conversation.
Lynne explains to Alexa that they were just trying to look for some outside help. I get that and I'm all for it. I think family therapy is really powerful and a great resource. But, they didn't opt for that. They picked some girl, who is barely out of her teenage years, because they thought she would be "cool" for the girls. But, the thing is that most of your teen's problems aren't only the teen's problem. It usually has to do with something in the ENTIRE family.
Lynne tells her that she needs Alexa to listen to and do what she says. She tells Alexa that a lot of times, she'll tell Alexa something and Alexa ignores it. Alexa says "that's bullshit." and then tells her mom that she doesn't want to talk about this anymore and that she's going to leave if she doesn't stop. Alexa gets up and says she's "f-ing over it" and starts crying and says that she doesn't understand why they can't just go shopping and not bring up this bullshit. Lynne says that all she asked was that Alexa show her a little more respect. Alexa cries that she does show Lynne respect. Lynne says: "By what? Not showing up when I ask you to." Alexa: "I do show up. You're such a BITCH." Wow. Lynne says "ALEXA!" and then puts her face in her hands and says "Oh my God." That was really uncalled for, Alexa.
Alexa walks away and Lynne tells us that she didn't say anything back because she was in shock. Lynne walks over to Alexa and tells her that she loves her and wants what is best for her and wants them to make progress in their relationship. Lynne tells her that they just need to listen to each other's feelings. Alexa: "I don't care, mom." Alexa tells her mom that she's not there for her. Lynne tells Alexa that she wants all these nice things, but that means Lynne needs to work. Alexa asks Lynne: "When was the last time I asked for something nice? I haven't asked for anything." Lynne says that Alexa is always asking for something like make up, etc. Alexa tells Lynne that all she wants her to do is be a frickin' commercial for Lynne's "cuffs" and throws the cuff across the table. Lynne tells Alexa "Oh, that's really sweet" sarcastically and Alexa responds: "Kiss my ass. Seriously."
Now Lynne is PISSED. She tells Alexa: "You know, you are such a ... the world is your stage, girl. Just keep it up. Keep it up, Alexa. That's really sweet. That's really nice that you just treat my cuff that way." Ok, she started strong, but then made it about the cuff. Really, Lynne? Alexa tells Lynne that all she cares about is herself and making her business big. Lynne gets upset and says: "That is so not true." Way to tell her, Lynne. This right here is the problem with moms and dads trying to be their kids' "friend". You are their parents NOT their friends. Friends - in high school - fight and say mean things to each other. But kids should NEVER talk to their PARENTS like that. Unacceptable.
Lynne tells her that if she just cared about herself she wouldn't be there taking Alexa shopping and talking to her. Alexa gets up and says "I'm done" over and over and walks away.
ALEXIS
Alexis and her troll, er, husband, are in the kitchen and Alexis tell him that she wants to host a cooking party at the house with all the girls. He tells her that he likes the idea because it's original and creative. Ugh. He is so annoying. Alexis says that she's asked Gretchen and Tamra to come over to both tell their sides of the story, but they've refused. So she thinks this cooking party is a way to get them over here so they can talk. She just wants them to get along. Jim - the troll - gives her some advice and tells her to open the dialogue by joking with them about their feud. Good advice, Jim. I'm sure that will go over well. Alexa: "My husband is amazing. Jim is always the best person to get advice from." The blind leading the blind. It's like watching Dumb and Dumber.
TAMRA
The Barney's are cleaning out the garage. Tamra has a totally wrong approach when it comes to little Sophia. If you ask a 4 year old which toys can be given away, they will usually say none of them. You can't ask them yes/no questions. You pick up two toys - one they play with and one they do not play with - and ask which one goes to a poor child who doesn't have toys and which one stays. That's if you want them involved at all. Usually you just go through their shit when they are at preschool and get rid of stuff you know they don't play with. They will never notice. When they get older, it's a little easier. I just went through this with a 6 year old and he really got into it. It was great.
They get rid of a bunch of stuff and Ryan comes over to watch them clean. Tamra tells us they are cleaning to prepare for the move. Tamra says that she feels better that her and Simon are doing it together. Ryan shows them his new business card.
VICKI
Vicki and Donn go out to dinner for date night. The waitress comes up to them and all of a sudden a bird CRAPS on the waitress's head. Donn helps her wipe it away and they are all laughing. OMG. I would totally move inside. Gross.
They get their appetizer and start talking about Donn's ring. Vicki says it's just getting sized. Then Donn pulls out a ring box and hands it to Vicki. It's a HUGE ring. It has 8 rows of tiny diamonds. It's gorgeous and a big piece of bling which you know Vicki LOVES. It's a six carat ring. Vicki says she doesn't deserve it. I think she was genuinely shocked. I don't think Donn has EVER given her anything even remotely that extravagant and she was feeling really uncomfortable. You could tell that Donn was so happy to be able to surprise her and give her this ring. I love them. I really do. Vicki is materialistic and superficial, but she earned every penny. Say what you will about her, but she's not short selling her house.
Vicki cracks me up. As she gives him a kiss, she dunks her dress into the cocktail sauce and then gets wine on it. HAHA.
GRETCHEN
Gretchen's make up artist, Ron Ann, comes over to talk about their new make up line. UGH. Really? It's so hard to take Gretchen seriously when she talks about not having money when she's had a make up artist for the past 7 years. Who has their own make up artist? How obnoxious is that? Gretchen tells us that she used to be a really hard-working real estate agent and that people used to refer to her as the "Madonna of Real Estate". Actually, I don't think it's "working hard" to sell real estate in a booming market where people are spending like crazy. If she was STILL selling real estate and trying to make it happen, THEN she would be the Madonna of Real Estate. Selling houses to people with an abundance of money who are eager to buy homes is not working hard. Selling houses to people who are struggling and need to be convinced that they NEED THIS HOUSE, is working hard. She bugs me so much. She's so self-righteous.
Gretchen tells us that when Jeff got sick - a minute after they got together - she decided to make "taking care of him" her priority. Yeah, or "spending his money instead of making her own" her priority. Gretchen explains that Jeff left her $2.5 million in his will, BUT his estate was in a $3 million deficit, so she ended up getting NOTHING. Um, except his house! Whatever Gretchen. Now Gretchen says that she needs to watch her finances. She tells Ron Ann that the only way to make her own money is to own her own business. She tells us that Slade is NOT a partner or investor because they aren't married and she didn't want that. Um, I think it's also that Slade has NO MONEY. Dumb.
VICKI
Vicki is holding a finance meeting at her office for her kids, Michael and Briana. She wants them to be responsible with their money and be smart about it. It makes sense and Vicki is right to teach and educate her kids about being responsible with their money. I'm just not sure they are in the right place in their lives to hear it. Although, I think it's never too early to teach kids how to manage their money.
LYNNE
Lynne tells us that she is at a loss for what to do with Alexa. She says she needs help so she goes to visit her mother. Marilou - Lynne's mom - welcomes her over and they go outside to talk. Lynne tells her mom that Alexa needs some "grandma bootcamp". Marilou tells her that she saw this coming and that teenagers never like listening to their parents. Lynne tells us that she was a wild child at Alexa's age. Lynne says that she's going to put Alexa to work and Marilou agrees that this is a great idea. Me too. Make her earn her cash. Otherwise, NO MONEY.
ALEXIS
Alexis and the troll take their son to get his hair cut. He gets the - oh so popular among the preschool/kinder set - "fauxhawk". He's a really cute kid.
Alexis is at home prepping for her cooking party. She has the chef there and is setting up everything. OMG. What the hell is she wearing. She's got a stupid multi-colored Fedora on her head. Dumb. All the girls show up and Alexis has chef hats for all of them to wear. Vicki is the only one not there because it's at 1:30pm on a weekday and she actually works. Who has a cooking party in the middle of the day on a weekday? Seriously? Again, dumb. Gretchen interviews that she admires Vicki's work ethic, but thinks that Vicki reminds them too often how hard she works. Those are your issues, Gretchen. You wouldn't feel so threatened or bad about it if you actually worked.
Tamra tells us that Lynne was drinking a lot. It's 1:30PM people!! Keep it together. They finish making the food and head to the table for some appetizers. Alexis - taking the Troll's advice - starts by just saying, casually: "So are we good? Things between the two of you?" pointing to Tamra and Gretchen. They kind of shrug and Alexis says that they have been all "buddy/buddy" this afternoon, so are they good? Gretchen tells her that they always have fun together and have a good time. Tamra interviews that she felt blindsided by Alexis and felt like she was stirring up trouble. Gretchen and Tamra tell Alexis that it is what it is and they are over it right now. So, Alexis, dissatisfied with this answer, asks if this means that everything is great and will be from this point forward. Gretchen says "No. But we can have fun together, too." Leave it alone Alexis.
The next course comes out. They give Alexis shit for saving some of her lunch for the Troll and then Lynne talks about Frank and they all laugh. Gretchen goes and makes it awkward by asking Lynne about her girls, Alexa in particular. Lynne says that Alexa is a work in progress and that she's an amazing little actress. Gretchen: "So she was acting with me, then." Tamra doesn't know what's going on, so Lynne tells her about the shopping trip with Gretchen and Alexa. Gretchen says that she was just trying to help and Lynne got offended. Lynne tells Gretchen that she was upset because she was judging her. Gretchen disagrees and tells Lynne that she was upset because Alexa called Lynne out for things she wasn't doing as a mother. Ouch. That was unnecessary. Gretchen tells Lynne that Alexa told her that she has to ground herself because her parents don't ground her. Gretchen tells Lynne that she doesn't think she's a bad parent, she just thinks that her kids need a little more guidance from her. She keeps going and tells Lynne that Alexa is craving discipline and needs structure. I totally agree with Gretchen, but I can see that Lynne is really feeling attacked.
Alexis jumps in and tells Lynne that no one can tell you how to raise your kids. Lynne agrees and tells Gretchen that until she's been in her shoes, she has no idea. Gretchen says that what she did was out of caring about Alexa. Lynne doesn't agree and says to Gretchen: "Something you have NO KNOWLEDGE OF AT ALL...all of a sudden you were attacking me." Gretchen tells Lynne that it's her issue. Lynne tells Gretchen that it hurt her feelings when Gretchen made her feel like a bad mom. Gretchen just keeps saying that the kids need guidance, that's all. Gretchen, STFU! She heard you and she's not interested. Back the F off. Jeez.
Lynne: "Until you have kids, you can't really talk to anybody who has kids and tell them and judge them and tell them what to do."
Obviously, Lynne is a little drunk, but I do believe this is how she genuinely feels. She's told Gretchen this when she was sober. Gretchen should just shut it and leave it alone.
Gretchen: "Just because you pop out a kid between your legs doesn't give you the God right to know how to parent."
Lynne: "BULLSHIT! You know what? Fuck you!" GO LYNNE!
Gretchen doesn't stop. She keeps telling Lynne what she should do with her kids. Lynne finally looks at her and says "You're the perfect role model for young girls, Gretchen. Everyone should go on the internet and see what a perfect role model you are for a daughter." ZING!
Gretchen says that she never said she was a perfect role model. Tamra just interviews that she was so glad it was Gretchen and someone else this time. "Better you than me, bitch!" HA.
Gretchen tells Lynne that she has made bad choices and mistakes in her life and she just doesn't want Alexa to make the same mistakes. Lynne has a total breakdown. She starts crying and it's super hard to watch. All that surgery makes her face look so weird when she cries. Alexis is trying to calm her down, but she just cries about how hard it is and how she has no control. She just says that she tries to be a good mom. Gretchen is still there giving advice along with Alexis. Lynne tells Gretchen AGAIN that she doesn't understand because she doesn't have kids. Alexis says the right thing and tells Lynne that her kids are small so she doesn't understand either. The only one who actually does get it is Tamra and she's keeping quiet because she knows a) Lynne is drunk and b) Lynne doesn't need advice right now, she needs support. Lynne blames Orange County, but it's a combo. It's Orange County AND the lack of discipline.
Tamra and Alexis both have compassion for Lynne and interview that it's hard for her and they feel bad for her. Tamra says that the kids do need some discipline. Gretchen just says that Lynne is living in a Fantasyland. Shut up, Gretchen. You might be right, but you bug me right now.
Until next time...
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