Last time, Briana doesn't have cancer, Alexis's mom gets a facelift and Lynne's daughters are ungrateful bitches.
TAMRA
Tamra is trying to figure out what she's going to wear to the end of the Summer party with the Housewives. She and Simon are trying to coordinate outfits and she shows Simon a completely backless dress. Simon tells her it looks like something a 20 year old would wear. Ha! He's right. He can't understand why she would even buy something like that. She continues to go through her dresses and he sees one he likes.
GRETCHEN
Gretchen comes home with a total bridal up-do. Her hair is huge and up on top of her head. She's wearing a white dress to the party and Slade says he's wearing a tux. He asks her if he should wear a tux when he proposes and she says that he better not be planning something because her parents should be present when he proposes. Really? I feel like that's a little weird.
TAMRA
Tamra puts on a black dress that looks quite conservative, i.e. no boobies falling out. Simon finds fault - of course - and tells her that it's too short and looks like something Lynne would wear. Wow. Simon tells her it's not age appropriate - and I get that. But it's tasteful and it actually doesn't look that short. She looks good. He should shut up. It's not as short as anything Alexis wears and it doesn't show off any cleavage like stuff she - and all the other women - usually wear.
VICKI
Speaking of not age appropriate, Vicki is wearing a yellow satin SHORT dress that doesn't show cleavage, but is completely backless. Rather than criticize her, Donn tells her she looks smokin' hot because SHE DOES. It's a great dress and she looks really great in it. They all get into the limo and Vicki keeps telling Michael that she wishes he didn't wear jeans. She talks about the Burberry slacks he should have worn - which he can't do anything about now because they are on their way. Then Vicki says "Michael, I really wish you would've worn dress slacks" and Donn says "I believe that point has already been made." LOVE Donn.
TAMRA
Tamra and Simon get into the limo and as Tamra is getting in she tells the driver - who is also a body guard - that she might need him because there might be bitch slapping tonight. Then Simon tells her to get in the car before he bitches slaps HER. Yikes. They get in and start talking about Vicki. Simon says - AGAIN - that he wants her out of their marriage and to stop telling Tamra what to do. Tamra asks what Vicki has told her and Simon says that he doesn't like how Vicki tells Tamra to be a strong, independent woman. Um, why? How is that bad? Tamra, of course, misses that point and tells Simon that she's smart and strong and isn't going to just do what people tell her to do so he shouldn't be mad at Vicki.
Simon disagrees and says that he's seen a change in Tamra over the last two years...since she's been friends with Vicki. Tamra says that people change and it's not just because Vicki told her to change. Simon says that he's not Donn and Tamra isn't Vicki and he just doesn't like who Tamra is right now. He tells her that she talks to him the way Vicki talks to Donn and he doesn't like it. Tamra disagrees and I do, too. I think Tamra is probably more assertive than she was before this whole show started, but I don't think she's turned into Vicki. I also don't think she's disrespectful to Simon. If anything, HE is disrespectful to HER.
Simon says that he wants a respectful wife who acts like she's married and he tells her that she hasn't done that in the past couple of years. She asks for an example because she is with the kids everyday and she's home every night. Simon says that on Friday night, she was supposed to take the kids bowling, but she went to an event for Vicki instead and that the kids will remember that. That's so fucked up. How frickin' manipulative. Tamra gets angry and yells that she's with the kids every single day. He says that they both know that she's not. Tamra says "well, if you were working and making money, we would f****** be in this situation. You're an a**hole. You're a nasty, vile person." Ouch. He tells her that she wanted to go down this road and she just calls him an a**hole again. Tamra: "You know what, you can go f*** yourself, you f****** a**hole. F*** you. You're an a**hole. You're a total a**hole. I want a divorce. F*** you!"
THE PARTY
They arrive at the St. Regis for the party. As they get out of the limo, Simon says that he doesn't want to fight anymore and they should try to have fun. Tamra starts to cry and walk away and he grabs her and hugs her and says that they shouldn't have fought. I didn't hear "I'm sorry" in there. He tells her that he loves her and wants to be with her. She tells him that she's hurt and upset because he used their kids and basically called her a bad mom. Simon gets literal and says that he never called her a "bad mom". Technically, he's right. But he did make that snarky comment about the kids remembering that Tamra chose to go out instead of taking them bowling. That was shitty. He tells her to get her priorities straight and then he starts to give examples of how her priorities are screwed up. She tells him to stop riding her and he tells her to make a change for the better. He's a jerk.
They finally make their way into the party and Tamra's mom is there. Jeanna arrives next with Shane and Kara. Vicki, Donn, Briana and Michael are next. Lauri and George show up with Ashley and his daughter (i forget her name). Oh, George. Gretchen shows up in a white dress and with Slade. Everyone is wondering if they got married or engaged. Tamra: "It's Cinderella and her toad...I mean, Prince Charming."
Alexis and her troll are next. Tamra says that they look like Dancing with the Stars. HAHA. OMG. Alexis's dress is BARELY covering her ass. I'm not even exaggerating. Lynne, Frank, her mom and the bratty sisters arrive. The girls are totally over the top and skip into the event saying "hi" to everyone. Gretchen doesn't understand why they're drunk when they just arrived with their parents. Lynne is so clueless. She tells us that the girls got into the alcohol at the OTHER END OF THE LIMO, way over there, so she didn't know what they were doing. Dumbass. Seriously? That's ridiculous.
Laurie and Gretchen are chatting and Laurie is in disbelief that Gretchen and Slade are a couple. Gretchen tells her that they are madly in love and happy. Laurie says that "the big lurking question is, do you know what you're doing? It just seems like he has a history of serial housewife dating." Gretchen tells Laurie that Slade told her he never dated Laurie. Laurie tells Gretchen that they definitely did go out. Gretchen tells US that Slade told her that he never even went on a date with Laurie. Whatever. That's such bullshit and if Gretchen just looks back at old seasons of the Real Housewives, she'll see Slade on a date and KISSING Laurie. Gretchen is delusional. Laurie asks Gretchen if she and Slade are getting married and Gretchen says that she hopes so. Gretchen says "He's a catch!" Yeah, you can "catch" some kind of STD from him. Laurie tells Gretchen that she hopes it's real and that it's not just some opportunity for Slade.
Slade walks up to Frank and "whispers" that the girls are wasted. Lynne tells us that it was a loud whisper and was totally embarrassing. Whatever. Get your drunk, ungrateful, bitchy daughters out of there. Frank goes to talk to the girls and Raquel is cursing and Alexa gets up and says she's going to drink and flips him off. Seriously?? OMG. If that was my daughter, I would take her out of the party and throw her in the limo and send her ass HOME.
Frank and Lynne are talking to Alexa and she is so disrespectful. Vicki tells us that she's a big believer in education and discipline, but you need to start early. And it's just too late for Lynne and those horrible daughters. Alexa can't understand why she can't have ONE martini. Um, because you are SEVENTEEN, dumbass. She curses as she walks away from them and the problem becomes crystal clear. Frank tells Lynne not to worry and that she'll be fine. Um, are you kidding? She's a trainwreck. She's going to end up on some MTV reality show and completely humiliate herself - even more than she has on this show.
Raquel and her friend leave Alexa at the party and take off. Lynne goes out of the party to talk to Alexa and Alexa is just rude and keeps cursing and says she's pissed that Raquel left her. Lynne tells us that she's not condoning the girls' behavior AT ALL. Whatever. Lynne sits next to Alexa and asks what she can do to resolve this issue. Alexa rolls her eyes and says "Oh now you're going to be the good mom and solve the problem." Alexa starts drunk crying and saying she wants her old family back and wants to go home. Meanwhile Slade is telling everyone inside that the girls are 15 and drunk. He's an a**hole. I don't think Lynne and Frank are parents of the year or anything, but at least they know where their kids are. Where are your kids, Slade?
Jeanna and Kara walk up and try to diffuse the situation. I think Kara is a smart kid, but Jeanna wasn't the best mom with her kids. Kara, Colton and Shane can be really disrespectful. Kara basically convinced Alexa to go inside to talk to a hot boy that Shane brought. I think what really needed to be done was for Frank and Lynne to take Alexa home and let her sober up so they can ground her.
Oh.My.God. Holy Tranny Mess!! Alexis's mom got a facelift - which was totally unnecessary - and tonight, she has on the darkest eye and lip colors. She looks AWFUL. Really bad. She totally looks like a tranny.
Tamra shows Gretchen her tattoo. Gretchen tells us: "I think her tattoo is a joke. Her marriage is in the shitter." Gretchen says it's just some gesture so she can say she's working on her marriage, but she really should be going to therapy not getting tattoos. I agree. They totally need therapy. I actually think all the housewives need serious therapy.
Tamra decides that she can't hold it in anymore and needs to talk to someone, i.e. she's drunk and needs to cry. So, she calls Vicki over so she can cry to her about Simon. Yikes. She tells Vicki that her life sucks and that she and Simon are headed for divorce any day now.
The Troll is talking to Frank about things and Frank tells him that he's taking things one day at a time. Frank tells us that he's house hunting but being realistic about what they can afford. Jim asks if Frank and Lynne have gone to church recently. Here we go. Jim tells Frank that he would love for Frank and Lynne to join them one of these Sundays. Frank graciously agrees, but he's totally not going to go. I hate it when people try to recruit you to go to their church. Religion and spirituality are such personal choices. It's so annoying to have someone come up to you and try to sell it...particularly when you're vulnerable. Frank asks if there are donuts after service and Jim tells him "Crispy Cremes". Frank says he'll be there. HAHA.
Tamra is crying that she and Simon are headed for divorce. Tamra tells us that Vicki has always been supportive and that she's always stuck up for Vicki when Simon says that Vicki has come between their marriage. Tamra thinks that Simon likes to blame other people for their issues. Vicki hugs her and tells her that she will be fine. Vicki tells her that it's her life and that she controls her own destiny. Vicki says that Tamra has to be stronger and not be controlled. She's in control of her own life. Tamra says that she's scared of Simon because his words are so hurtful. Simon sees Tamra talking to Vicki and he's pissed. Simon walks over and asks why she's crying. Tamra says that she just wants Simon and Vicki to get along. Simon asks if this is why she's crying. Vicki shakes her head - and she shouldn't. Vicki should just let Tamra say whatever she's going to say and stay out of it. Keep your mouth shut, Vicki. Phew. She does. Vicki tells us that Tamra is scared of Simon and that's why she lied.
Simon asks Tamra to get up so he can hug her. He asks her what they were talking about and says "Not about what happened in the car, right?" Tamra says she doesn't want to fight anymore. Simon says he's leaving and Tamra lets him leave.
UPDATES:
ALEXIS: Alexis is now working for her plastic surgeon ... Jim is letting her. HAHA.
GRETCHEN: Gretchen and Slade are still not married ... Slade has not reversed his vasectomy. Yikes. I didn't realize he had done that.
VICKI: Vicki and Donn still enjoy date night, and plan to go back to Turks and Caicos. Briana is still working as a trauma nurse and she just got her own apartment. Michael is now Vicki's #1 salesperson. He still lives at home.
LYNNE: Lynne and Frank moved to an affordable condo. Frank is now working for Lynne. Alexa just got her driver's license, but Lynne and Frank can't afford to buy her a car. Raquel is still over it, still unemployed, but working on her art.
TAMRA: Ryan was laid off from his job. He's now working out and hopes to become a fitness trainer. Tamra and Simon short sold their house. They moved out in January ... separately. Simon filed for divorce.
THE END!!
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