Jersey Shore, Season 1, REUNION SHOW!

Everyone is back for the Reunion show. Even Angelina is there.

First question: What do you miss most about the Jersey Shore? Snickers misses partying with all the roommates. The Situation informs us that it's cold in the Wintertime in Jersey, so when Summer rolls around, everyone wants to have fun!

So, you live by the beach, why tan at a salon? The Situation and JWOW explain that the beach will give you tan lines and you're all oily and there's sand. But a tanning bed lets you tan without all of that.

Pauly D, what's up with the guido backlash? Pauly D explains that he doesn't represent all Italians, he only represents himself. That's all he can do.

Is "guido" offensive? NO.

THE SITUATION - In the Hot Seat

He appointed himself "man of the house" because he cooked and cleaned and took care of everyone. Ronnie yells out that he didn't get that memo. The Situation tells him to keep quiet and then says that everyone could see that Ronnie has no personality. "Some people got it and some people don't...and Ronnie don't." JWOW says that out of everyone in the house, Ronnie was the most down to earth and nicest and Ronnie pulls up his shirt and says "And you don't need a 'situation' for that brother." HAHA.

Vinny says The Situation cooked and cleaned and did everything his mother does, so he was the "Woman of the house." Nice. The Situation just laughs it all off. The Situation says he's not a hater and that was a "good one". HAHA.

There's a montage of The Situation and his women. The Situation defends himself and his skanky choices by saying that a starving person will eat anything. It's the same thing. Um...ok. The Situation says that he'll never go hungry in Seaside. And Ronnie says "not with the chicks he brings home." Zing!

The Situation says that Mrs. Situation would have to have a pretty face, take care of her body, an awesome personality, very giving and caring, and someone who can cook. The hostess says that it sounds a lot like Sammi, but it actually sounds nothing like her.

PAULY D - In the Hot Seat

For being such a pimp guido, Pauly D didn't really get much action at the Shore, except for in the beginning with JWOW!! Pauly D says that's because he only wants to hook up with hot chicks and JWOW is a hot chick... "that's why she's J-WOW."

Pauly D talks about Danielle "the Stalker". He says he didn't want to wear the T-Shirt that says "I love Jewish Girls" because he's Italian and he's "Not trying to rep any Jews. No offense." What? So, Pauly D tells us that Danielle is crazy!! Apparently, when he was back in Rhode Island, he was DJing at some club and Danielle found out through facebook or something. He's DJing and doin' his thing and he looks up and there's DANIELLE!!! He says that she drove 4 hours to Rhode Island to see him even though he wasn't taking her calls or anything anymore. "You guys called it. Stage 5 clinger!" HAHA.

NEXT UP: JWOW In the Hot Seat

JWOW says that she never hooked up or grinded on Pauly D. The Situation stands up and says "What show were you on?" Seriously, she totally hooked up with Pauly D. Then Pauly D says "We were making love in the club." HA! So what's JWOW's definition of cheating? She says making out and getting in bed with a guy.

Sammi says that it's none of her business what JWOW does in her relationships, but every time she would see JWOW in a club, she was with a guy. JWOW: "I don't get in nobody's business and it's a damn shame when other people get in mine...If people want to spend their time at a club staring at what I'm doing, then obviously they don't have a life." ZING!

VINNY In the Hot Seat

Vinny tells us that he still talks to Melissa - The Situation's sister. And he says that he still lives at home: "Where am I gonna go?" He's a proud mama's boy.

ANGELINA in the Hot Seat

Angelina says that she wasn't cock-blocking, but she felt like The Situation didn't respect the girls in the house because he kept bringing trash home. The Situation: "If she wasn't getting any, then nobody was". Zing! Angelina denies it and reveals that he and Angelina hooked up in the beginning. Angelina says she regrets not staying, but she had a boyfriend. She shrugs off the fact that her boyfriend was MARRIED. Ridiculous.

RONNIE & SAMMI in the Hot Seat

They are still together and happy. There's a montage of their arguments and fights. Ronnie says they don't fight at all anymore. The hostess ASKS JWOW what she thinks of all the fighting and JWOW says that she just doesn't understand getting mad because your boyfriend is TALKING to another girl. She doesn't get that. Sammi tells her that it's just like she says, JWOW sticks to her own business and this is their business.

They are about to show "Never Before Seen Footage" and The Situation says that Ronnie is excited to see this footage. Ronnie says to play it. Sammi looks like she's going to cry and she totally does. It's very weird. She totally tears up and walks off the stage. Ronnie runs after her. DRAMA.

The other roommates are speculating about what the footage could be. HAHA. Sammi says she just had an emotional breakdown, but she's all good. Roll the footage:

Sammi is in bed and The Situation is sitting on it and talking with her:

Sammi: "Don't say anything to anybody, Mike. I'm trusting you right now."

The Situation interviews "You know if I have a better bond with your girl than you do. That's not my fault, that's your fault."

Sammi: "I was flirting with the cop. He was hot. I like to do what I want."

The Situation: "You're the prettiest girl in the house and I would love to find me a girlfriend cause I'm like sweet like that. I just haven't found the right girl. You know I'm sweet. Shut up!"

Sammi: "I do. I do. I think you're a great guy."

The Situation: "I am. You can just tell."

Sammi: "I don't like this guy drama. That's why I'm single cause I don't deal with it."

The Situation: "Do I really want this or do I really want...? Can I see myself...? Is this person really worth my time? And if they're not...there's so many people out there. And I'm going through them pretty quick." HAHAHA.

The Situation interviews "The relationship we have, the bond that we have is probably better than what she has with Ronnie."

The Situation gets up to leave and says "This is not going to look good when Ronnie comes up." They kiss on the cheek and say good-night.

Sammi: "Who said he's coming up?"

The Situation: "I don't know. I thought he was."

They laugh...end scene.

Back at the reunion...Ronnie is upset. Ok, I don't think the scene was bad AT ALL. It was in the beginning and who gives a shit if she was flirting with a stupid cop. BUT, because Sammi gives Ronnie SO MUCH F-ing GRIEF over every little thing he does, I can completely understand.

Ronnie says that he didn't know anything about that and that he sees that Sam likes to leave out certain bits of information when he and Sammi talk. Ronnie says it makes no difference to him because "I cut girls quicker than barbers do." He says that Sammi can be on that list if she wants to. Sammi says she has nothing to say because that clip was from the VERY beginning of the summer. Ronnie is PISSED. He tells her that she can go to the bathroom and cry right now if she wants. OUCH. He's really overreacting. I get it if he wants an excuse to get out of the relationship, but otherwise, he's just being dramatic. This happened so long ago. Ronnie explains that he's so angry because he took A LOT OF BULLSHIT from Sammi about his friendship with JWOW. But there was no connection with JWOW, he never hooked up with JWOW or flirted with JWOW or never held hands with JWOW and he took so much shit from Sammi. Yet, Sammi can be friends with The Situation? That's bullshit. Very true. I see his point. Ronnie: "So who's the asshole? ME."

Ronnie tells Sammi that she's a "fucking liar." She disagrees and says that Ronnie knew all about the cop situation. Ronnie says "Yeah, now I see about The Situation." Sammi says that there's nothing between her and The Situation and they didn't do anything. The Situation says that he'll stick up for Sammi and tells Ronnie that there was nothing there, but he sees why Ronnie is upset.

Sammi asks if he's willing to ruin what they have over this. Ronnie says that SHE ruined it. She says it was nothing and he says "until it's done to you." She says that Ronnie never did anything to her. Ronnie says "Exactly. No secret footage, no bonus clips. Nothing." Is he threatened by the relationship with Sammi and The Situation. NO. The Situation and Pauly D both answer for Ronnie and tell the hostess that Ronnie is mad because he has ALWAYS been straight up with Sammi and he cares so much for her that he would never lie.

Sammi asks Ronnie if the clip was really that bad. He cuts her off and says that she always says that and then imitates her "was it that bad?" He tells her to put herself in his position. JWOW never sat on his bed talking to him about Sammi, he never hooked up with anyone in the house. "Put yourself in my position and then come talk to me." Good point.

Angelina says that they break up and get back together all the time, so she thinks they'll be back together right away. Sammi says that it's really over this time and "It's Done." Ronnie says "I guess it's done, then." Drama.

Sammi: "I mean if he's gonna ruin something that's so good over that, then that's his problem."

When the show goes to break Ronnie, goes back to sit with the cast and Sammi goes off-stage to the bathroom.

When we come back, Sammi is back with the rest of the cast. HA!

SNOOKI - In the Hot Seat

Snickers, Snooki whatever. She's got lots of nicknames. The Situation and Snickers have totally hooked up since the last night at the shore house, but they're not dishing details. She could do worse...

Everyone hated the stupid duck phone and Snickers really misses the shore. She says the guy who hit her in the face never apologized to her personally and she's over it.

Now we get a montage of the FIST PUMP!! Pauly D says that you fight the beat every night you go out. Ronnie is the best dancer and The Situation is the worst and Vinny is the best Fist Pumper. Oh jeez.

We'll miss you guys!!

Jersey Shore, Season 1, Season Finale

Last time the roommates went to Atlantic City, everyone hated on The Situation, Pauly D got a stalker and Ronnie got arrested.


The roommates - sans Ronnie - arrive at the house. Snickers is asking Sammi what she wants to do about Ronnie. She asks if she should call 911 and Sammi says "No, I think that's emergency or something." You THINK? Jeez. Snickers decides to call the local police department.

Vinny goes upstairs and tells Pauly D and the stalker (WTF?) that Ronnie got arrested. Um, why is Pauly D with the stalker? I forgot that they left the club together. Pauly D, if she's a stalker and you guys have only kissed, imagine how much worse it will be when you finally have sex with her. She will NEVER leave you alone.

Snickers talks to the police and they tell her that Ronnie's bail will be set at 6:30AM. Until then, he will be locked up. Sammi is dramatic and, again, manages to make this about her. She tells us that she has slept with Ronnie every night since she got to the shore and this is the first night she will be by herself. Hey Princess, I bet it's much worse for Ronnie. Plus, it's 3:30AM, so you only need to sleep for 3 HOURS by yourself. Dumb.

Well, it turned out to be longer than 3 hours because no one in that house could be bothered to get up at 6:30 to check on Ronnie. Instead, they practically sleep through his phone call at 9AM! The phone is quacking and everyone is sound asleep. FINALLY, Sammi picks up the phone and tells him she will pick him up.

Sammi arrives at Ocean County Jail to pick up Ronnie. At least his Ed Hardy shirt isn't glowing in the daylight - but it is still sparkly. Sammi takes him home and hugs him when they get out of the car. I bet he smells RIPE...you know, a little like jail, alcohol and AXE body spray. The Situation walks in and starts laughing because he doesn't know what to say. I get that - what do you say to someone who just gets out of jail? He and Sammi get in bed and nap. BUT not without her letting him know that she did not like him going to jail and that she had to sleep alone.

The other boys are all downstairs trying to figure out what to do tonight. Last day of Summer!!! The Situation gets on the phone and starts to call girls to meet up with them. None of them answer, so the guys decide to do a "guys night out". Snickers says that she only wants to see Keith. He's the best guy she's met all summer so she wants to spend her last weekend at the shore with him.

JWOW and Snickers are talking about Snickers calling Cowboy Keith and asking him out on a date. Snickers calls and leaves him a message asking if he wants to hang out.

HAHA. JWOW, The Situation and another guy are hanging out on the boardwalk in front of the T-shirt shop. JWOW says she doesn't want her bf, Tom, to come to the shore because she sees all the "gorillas" on the beach. A "gorilla" is a juice-head, muscle-man, steroid guy. Apparently, this is attractive. JWOW comes home to get Snickers out. She tells her to get up and get ready because it's "Gorilla central out there. Juiceheads EVERYWHERE."

Snickers tells us that a juicehead is a "hot, Italian, tan guy ... typically muscle-y." Um, I think a juicehead is someone who is on steroids, Snickers. Now they are walking on the beach and Snickers is pissed because she doesn't see any guido juiceheads.

The rest of the roommates all head out to the beach. They realize that they haven't been on the beach all summer. The Situation starts creepin' right away. Vinny is making fun of him because most of the girls look like they are in high school.

Snickers leaves the beach to ask Keith out on a date. I don't know why she's so desperate to find a date. Who cares? You're at the shore. Enjoy it!! Keith answers and Snickers asks him what he's doing. She's gets a little demanding. She asks: "Are you coming to Seaside or not?" Keith says that he wasn't planning on it but he needs to ask his buddy Dave. Snickers tells him that she's not asking his friend, Dave, she's asking him. He says he's really flattered and that he'd like to see her, but he needs to ask his friend. I'm guessing he doesn't have a car and needs to get a ride to Seaside.

Snickers tells us that they were supposed to have this date together - but I think it was just in her head. I don't think Keith knew anything about this date. She gets pissy and tells Keith that he should just say no if he doesn't want to hang out. Keith tells her that he'd like to see her but he's not sure if he can. Then he says that he feels bad and doesn't want to screw up her plans. Snickers gets all batshit crazy on him:

Snickers: "Why did you make me like you for no reason if you won't even hang out with me?"

Keith: "Whoa. What do you mean? How did I make you like me?"

Snickers: "Are you serious? I look like an a**hole right now honestly."

Keith: "I apologize. Things don't always work out well."

Snicker: "Wow. I guess I wasted my time. 'Bye."

Um, Snickers, if you look like an a**hole, it's your own damn fault. Seriously. Keith actually sounds like a pretty nice - albeit totally dumb and clueless - guy. She just turned into Danielle, the Stalker, a little right then. Snickers decides to hit the boardwalk. She's walking by a party and decides to dance on the boardwalk by herself. No joke. She just literally started dancing by herself. She looks up and sees her ex-boyfriend and she's still in love with him. She asks him to come to her house and he says "NO." Snickers tells us that she "boned him for 8 months" and still has feelings for him and he couldn't even say hi to her. She storms off down the boardwalk.

Snickers is back at the house, applying more bronzer and whining/crying about seeing her ex. Snickers: "I f*****' hate guys. I should be a f*****' lesbian."

The boys go to Captain Hooks for "Bro's Night". This place is like a "Chuckie Cheese for dudes" - The Situation. It really is. Skeet ball, air hockey, arcade....The boys talk about keeping in touch and what they are going to do after the show. Cute.

Sammi and Ronnie go out to dinner at Connolly Station in Belmar. Ronnie is SO whipped. He is just in love with Sammi. He thinks she's so hot. They talk about moving forward beyond the Jersey Shore. I give it a month.

Back at the house Snickers is crying. The Situation tries to calm her down. He tells her that if a guy doesn't like her, it's his loss and there are so many more to replace him. The Situation tells her that he's not inviting any girls over tonight and it's just roommates. So he tells her to come hang out with them. The Situation says that they are like a family and he doesn't like to see Snickers crying because she's like his sister. Ok, if that's true, then the fact that they are going to hook up is totally disgusting.

Vinny tells Snickers to snap out of it. I think he's tired of her whining around the house. I'm with Vinnie - she is annoying. Snickers asks Pauly D if he had a date and he says no. She says that's really sad. Vinny tells them that he doesn't feel sorry for Pauly D at all because he's ridiculously, ridiculously good-looking. Pauly D tells Vinny that he has really good taste in men. HA!

Vinny finally "gets The Situation" back for the Haterade. He dresses a big, red, stuffed bulldog in a T-Shirt that says "The Situation's #1 Girl." HAH. The Situation comes into the room and starts cracking up.

Snickers and The Situation are the only ones who decide to go in the hot tub. No one else wanted to go up there. They are drinking and he takes off her top. Then they start making out. The Situation tells us that he had to get out because he didn't want to go too far because he thinks of her as a sister. AGAIN...EW.

The roomies are making the last dinner. The Situation is putting together his "sausage and peppers and potatoes", Ronnie's doing the grill, JWOW is making a salad. Pauly D tells us that they are having "a nice little bbq". I wish I could write his accent. I love it!! They are all recounting the summer and the fights with Angelina and then the fight with JWOW and The Sitch in Atlantic City.

They are all on the roof talking. They are so cute. They are totally an Italian family. I love it!

The next day, The Situation leaves first. You can tell that they are Italian because they all tell each other they love each other - even the guys. The rest leave one by one.

I can't wait until next summer!!!

Jersey Shore, Season 1, Episode 8

Last time the gang went to Atlantic City and there was drama.

JWOW got really drunk at the club in Atlantic City and threw up. She went to find someone to walk her upstairs to the room and found The Situation - who was hooking up with a girl. The Situation refused to take her to the room and JWOW got pissed and hit him, so she got kicked out of the club. I'm not really sure why she needed someone to walk her UPSTAIRS to the room. Get in an elevator and take your drunk ass to the room by yourself. Why do you need an escort??

Anyhow, she goes upstairs and tells everyone she's going to punch The Situation in the face as soon as he comes home. So The Situation finally comes home and JWOW just comes right up to him and starts hitting him. Vinny tries to hold her back and she's yelling that The Situation got her kicked out of the club. Vinny thinks she's calm and tell her to go to bed and, as soon as he lets her go, she swings and backhands The Situation right across the mouth. JWOW is satisfied and goes to bed. He starts talking shit to JWOW and she comes back out and starts beating on him again. This time two private security guards come out of - I don't know where - and hold her back. She's like an animal. The Situation yells at JWOW to take some more testosterone and she goes at him again. She finally calms down and goes to bed ... for real this time.

Vinny tells us that he thinks it's funny that The Situation got punched in the face by JWOW. He says that it if were Ronnie or Pauly, he'd feel bad, but since it's Mike, he thinks it's funny. The Situation is shocked that JWOW hit him, so he keeps talking about it with everyone and talking shit about JWOW.

Snickers and JWOW are talking and JWOW is still WASTED. She can barely sit up. She tells Snickers that she's going to call Tom (her bf) and leave. Snickers tells her she's not leaving because there's only one week left. She says that if JWOW leaves, Snickers will "stuff your nose with tampons". Gross.

The next morning, the gang packs up and heads back to the shore. JWOW immediately calls Tom and tells him that she hit The Situation. She tells Tom that she drank too much and he asks her why she drank too much. He tells her that it upsets him when she drinks that much. MY GOD she sounds like a 60 year old smoker. Seriously, she could be one of Marge's sisters on The Simpsons. Yikes. Tom tries to listen, but he's clearly more concerned about JWOW's alcoholism. JWOW doesn't want to hear it and says bye and takes a nap. Yikes.

The Situation is up in his room complaining that Vinny continues to talk shit. The Situation is over it. He decides to retaliate. Sammi tells The Situation that he needs to walk away and get over it. She also tells him not to assume things and that he's better than this drama. Vinny and Pauly D go meet up with three girls that they previously met "creepin'" on the Boardwalk. Pauly D says that they are mad fun and cool girls. They want to go hang out on the boardwalk...BUT Pauly D has plans to hang out that night with Danielle. He doesn't really want to hang out with Danielle because she's kind of lame, so he decides to hang out on the boardwalk with the girls first. Pauly D and Vinny are on the boardwalk with the three girls and...what a coincidence, Danielle shows up. She walks up to Pauly D and kisses him. Vinny sees this and tells us that he's laughing to himself because it's so awkward. Danielle asks Pauly D if he's still hanging out with her tonight and he says that he will call her when he gets home. She kisses him again and walks away.

Snickers runs into Keith - the farmer - on the boardwalk. She asks him if he wants to hang out and do some dancing and he says yes. They head to Beachcombers and they are dancing and rocking out. Keith does a pretty wicked fist pump and he and Snickers are having a good time.

Vinny and Pauly D are playing arcade games with the three girls on the boardwalk. One of the girls decides to get a henna tattoo. They are at the tattoo place and Pauly D hears someone call his name. It's Danielle. He looks up and she's just standing there. Creepy. She throws him a T-Shirt and says "Don't say I never gave you something." WTF? This girl is crazy. The shirt says "I HEART Jewish Girls". Yikes. Pauly D tells us "Hell no I'm wearing that shirt." HAHA. Danielle tells Pauly D "Call me when you get home. You better call me. Don't be an a**hole. Because I'm not calling you." She kisses him and leaves...again. OMG. This girl is psycho. No wonder she's single. He said he would CALL YOU WHEN HE GETS HOME. Let him GET HOME, Crazy. Pauly D: "At this point, I'm starting to think 'Mad weird, that chick.'" Couldn't have said it better myself.

Snickers and Keith are walking on the boardwalk and Snickers asks for a piggyback ride. Snickers tells us that Keith is a romantic, good guy. Then she tells him that her crotch is hanging out so he puts her down. Snickers: "I told him to put me down because I'm not trashy...unless I drink too much."

There's an awesome scary ride on the boardwalk and one of the girls wants to go on it. Pauly D says that he'll go with her. It looks like so much fun. I would totally go on that ride. They go on the ride and when he gets off the ride, DANIELLE IS STANDING THERE. WTF? She walks up to Pauly D and hugs him and asks him when he's going home. Vinny calls her a "stage 5 clinger". HAHA. She tells Pauly D to go home and he says he will in a few minutes. Then Danielle turns jealous and asks which girl Pauly D likes. He doesn't answer and Danielle says that she doesn't want to interrupt his little date so... THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP FOLLOWING and INTERRUPTING HIM??? Pauly D tells her for the THIRD time: "I'll call you when I get home...like I told you!" Seriously, Pauly D talks a lot of shit with The Situation, but he's not an asshole. He's a nice guy. Danielle is just crazy. She finally walks away...AGAIN.

The girls were nervous about Danielle so they left and Vinny and Pauly D go home. As soon as the guys walk in the house, the phone starts quacking. Vinny thinks it might be the girls calling to hang out again, but Pauly D thinks it's Danielle and tells Vinny not to answer it. Vinny thinks it might be the girls so Pauly D tells him to answer and pretend he's The Situation. Vinny answers and Danielle says "Hi Mike, can I talk to Pauly, please." Vinny forgets who he is and says "Mike's not here." and then covers the phone and starts laughing. Pauly runs to the other room laughing. Danielle says "Mike. This is Mike." Vinny - impersonating The Situation - says "Yeah, Pauly's not here...uh...um...he went to da Boardwalk...yeah...da Boardwalk. Yo, who dis?" Danielle: "It's Danielle." Vinny: "Aiight. Yo, Jenny! You know when Pauly's comin' back?" Danielle: "No, it's all good. It's fine. Thank you." Vinny: "Yo Danielle, you want me to take a message?" Danielle "No, it's fine." Vinny: "You sure, you sure?" Danielle: "Yeah, it's all good. bye."

HAHA. Vinny's impression was hysterical. Pauly D tells us that he told her he would call her and she couldn't wait and called him. So now he's not going to call her and when she calls him AGAIN - which she will - he's going to tell her it's over because she's too crazy.

The Situation decides to play a prank on Snickers. He slices up a bunch of pickles and puts them under her bed. I'd be pissed that The Situation WASTED ALL MY PICKLES. Not that he played a joke. Pauly D lays on Snickers and distracts her, while The Situation plants pickles all over her room. That's not enough for him, so he decides to play a joke on Vinny. He makes concoction of mayo, grated cheese, milk, caesar dressing, and pickle juice in a bowl and puts it under Vinny's bed. Gross. He and Pauly D call it Haterade. Gross.

Vinny wakes up and notices that his room smells disgusting. Snickers wakes up and smells pickles. Then she sees them. She knew that it was Pauly D and The Situation. She's not mad about the joke, she's mad about the wasted pickles! Right?! I hear you, Snooks.

JWOW comes into the kitchen and Ronnie and Sammi ask her if Danielle called for Pauly D. JWOW says no and asks what happened. Ronnie tells JWOW "She was stalking his life on the boardwalk." OMG. New favorite phrase: Stalking my life. HAHA.

Phone rings. The Situation answers and it's Danielle and asks for Pauly D. Pauly D tells us that he just met the girl and she's already "stalking my whole life". HAHA. I love it. He gets on the phone and Danielle tells Pauly D that she doesn't know what's going on but she doesn't like to be played. She says that she feels stupid. She says she kissed him at the club and on the boardwalk and then he's with three girls and then she walks by and sees him at home with three girls. Pauly D waits for an opening and asks if it's his turn to talk yet. Danielle screams "WAIT!" She tells him that he shouldn't say he's going to call if he's not going to call. As she's going on and on, Pauly D keeps asking if it's his turn yet in a totally calm voice over and over.

Danielle finally screams: "WAIT!! I don't need this. If you're that guy, then let's not do this. Go do your thing....Now it's your turn."

So Pauly D says: "OK. So you stalked my whole life on the boardwalk. And then, when I got home, I had every intention of calling you but you had already called and you said you wasn't gonna call. So you stalked my whole life on the boardwalk...

Danielle tries to interrupt.

Pauly D: "It's my turn to talk - you stalked my whole entire life, right, and I don't like that. I do nothing wrong and you know how I feel about...

Danielle tries to interrupt again.

Pauly D: "Hey, I'm talking now. You know how I felt about you. You just have no trust whatsoeva, so you thought I was creepin' with those chicks which I wasn't. I went on one ride. God bless me, it's f-in' summa. Yes, I was upstairs on the roof with three chicks and three dudes. Did I do anything? NO. All we did was have a conversation, that's it. All those girls have boyfriends. IF you weren't such a stalker, I would have called you when I got home. Instead..."

Danielle: "I am not a stalker!!"

Pauly D:"Yes you are. It's crazy. I can't deal with that."

Danielle: "I am not a stalker and I am not crazy. I don't want to look stupid." Too late.

Pauly D: "You don't want to look stupid? Don't you think that makes you look stupid? You say you're not callin' and then you call like 100 times?"

Danielle: "I didn't call 100 times."

Pauly D: "How many times did you call? We took the phone off the hook last night. All I wanted to do was call you when I got home so we could hang out. You wouldn't let that happen. You were so worried about how you're gonna look because people see me walkin' with three girls. 'blah blah blah, I don't want to look stupid.' Well, now look how stupid you look." CLICK. Danielle is still yelling and Pauly D just hangs up on her ass. Done and done.

Pauly D says that he hopes Danielle got the hint since he hung up on her. He tells us that Danielle is not looking for a hook up, she's looking for a husband. And Pauly D is not ready for that.

Sammi and The Situation are working at the T-Shirt shop and talking. The Situation tells Sammi that she looks really cute in her sweatshirt. Sammi says "thaank yaou." I can't phonetically spell it correctly, but it sounds like baby girl talk. Annoying. She bugs me so much. The Situation tells us that it's "obvious" that Sammi has a crush on him and it goes back to "prehistoric kindergarten". WTF? I don't know. The Situation tells Sammi that Vinny bothers him because Vinny hates on The Situation behind his back. So he tells Sammi about the Haterade he put under Vinny's bed.

Later that night, they all go out. Vinny gets in a car with Sammi and Ronnie and Sammi tells Vinny about the Haterade, but tells him not to say anything. They are bowling!! Fun. JWOW feels tension with The Situation after Atlantic City. So she takes The Situation outside so they can talk. The Situation tries to get JWOW to see how wrong she was to hit him. JWOW says that The Situation was wrong for not walking her to the room so it's his fault. Dumb. I have to side with The Situation on this one. The Situation changes the tone of the conversation and smiles and says that he understands that JWOW sees him as a "father figure" in the house. They both laugh and then The Situation hugs her and they make up. The gang leaves bowling and goes back to the house.

Vinny gets the Haterade out of his room. The Situation decides to come clean and Vinny shows that there's nothing under his bed. AAAAHHHHH. Vinny says that The Situation's prank didn't work. The Situation says that his room stunk so it did work.

Vinny tells The Situation that some of the stuff he does is a little embarrassing, like his swagger and the way he talks to girls. Vinny says that's the only reason he has tension toward The Situation - because Vinny can't bring girls back to the house because The Situation is so embarrassing. The Situation tells Vinny that he really doesn't give a f*** what people say about him and if people don't like him, they can go f*** themselves. Vinny tells The Situation that he's just letting him know why he has beef with him and he's telling him to his face, not behind his back. Ronnie pipes up and says that the person he met in the beginning is not the same person he knows now. Ronnie: "You just started changin' bro." Sammi is laying in bed with all the guys talking in the room. She says "Agree" to Ronnie. The Situation is feeling attacked by both Vinny and Ronnie. Ronnie keeps telling The Situation to be himself, bro.

The Situation tells Ronnie that he doesn't even know him. Then he points to Vinny and says "Neither does he know me neither." HAHA. The Situation reminds the guys that they've only known each other for 27 days. The Situation says he's been the same guy for the last 27 days.

The Situation: "Have I got girls? Yeah. Have they all been pretty? Some days no, some days yes." HAHA.

Pauly D tells us that, like it or not, The Situation is who he is. That's how he's been the whole time. You don't have to like him. He doesn't have to be your boy. Who's anyone to judge anyway.

The Sitch: (to Ronnie) "But you'll never get a girl over me, son, 'cuz I'll always get 'em first."

Ronnie: "No,'cuz I've got the best f-in 10 you've ever seen and you're still bringing home 3s, 4s and 5s. You still have not brung home a girl better looking than Sam." Oh jeez. No wonder Sammi acts like such an entitled diva. TOO MUCH POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.

The Sitch: "I hooked up with Sam first, so wassup?"

Ronnie: "That's why you're still creepin' on her."

The Sitch: "I ain't creepin' on her."

Sammi wakes up to say "Yes you are." STFU Sammi. UGH. She's so annoying.

Ronnie interviews that he got Sammi a long time ago. "I already got that title a long time ago, bro. I already got the title for that closing. You know what I mean? Like, c'mon bro." I love it.

They all argue about the girls The Situation brought home and how they weren't cute and Ronnie wants to beat up The Situation and The Situation made out with Sam first... yada, yada, yada. Sammi tells them all "Who the f*** cares, GO TO BED." And...scene.

Next night, the gang goes out and Snookie decides to go all out. She's wearing a corset dress with her boobs hanging out. Vinny says that she looks like a birthday cake. They go to KARMA, of course. There's a lot of fist pumping and dancing. What a coincidence...Danielle is there. She walks up to Pauly D and tells him that he embarrassed her and he tells her that she embarrassed him.

Danielle: "I never stalked a guy in my f*****'life ... and I don't need to start. I don't look f****** that bad that I need to f******' stalk, okay?"

Pauly D: "You wanna dance?"

Danielle: "Nobody f******' disses me, okay?"

Pauly D: "You wanna dance?"

Danielle: "No, I don't wanna f****** dance. I f****** hate you!"

Pauly D: "I didn't do anything, bro."

Danielle: "Don't call me bro."

The Situation walks up and saves him.

Meanwhile, Snookie is making out with some guy on a couch at KARMA. Two girls come up and tell Snookie that he has a girlfriend who has been watching from across the bar. The guy denies having a girlfriend and Snickers takes off. She's pissed. She starts bitching to a new "friend", Dimitrios.

Danielle and Pauly D are still arguing. He just has a smirk on his face the whole time. It's like he's teasing her and she is pissed. He's amused and they eventually leave the club together hand in hand. HAHA. She's going to be the loser in this. She already is. He's got nothing to lose by continuing to hook up with her and she's just letting it happen.

Back at KARMA, there's some serious fist pumping and beating up the beat going on. Lots of Ed Hardy in the house. Dimitrios is telling Snickers that's he a good guy and Snickers tells us that she finally found the guy that she wants...except he doesn't have muscles and he's not tan, but whatever, girl needs to get laid.

They all leave KARMA and some girls are yelling "Get out of Seaside Heights" and "Get out of Seaside with your tramp outfit, tramp!" So, I think they are actually yelling at about Snickers because she's basically in lingerie. But, since Sammi thinks the world revolves around her, she gets involved thinking that they are talking about her. Sammi keeps talking back and the girls tell her that she's dressed like a whore and then ask why Snickers is in her Halloween costume. HAHA. There's a guy with the girls who are yelling and they are just arguing back and forth. This is where my mother's wisdom would come in handy: Just walk away. That's it. Walk away.

There's pushing and shoving and finally security comes out and pushes the guy away. So the roommates start walking home again. The Situation was leading the pack and Ronnie was in the back. The guy gets away from security and starts mouthing off again...yelling! Not hitting, not pushing, not shoving. Yelling. He was obviously far back enough that Ronnie got pissed and RAN to him and hit him so hard, he knocked him out. Ronnie walks back to his friends and yells "that's one shot. That's one shot. That's one shot" all proud about knocking this guy out. Dumb. The cops show up and talk to Ronnie. God he looks ridiculous in that sparkly shirt. The cops tell Ronnie that he's getting arrested because he knocked him out cold. Doesn't matter that it was self defense because the guy didn't hit him and he knocked him out cold. The police take Ronnie away and Sammi dramatically walks home with Snickers.

See you next week.

Jersey Shore, Season 1, Episode 7

Last time on Jersey Shore: Sammi and Ronnie broke up and got back together, The Situation invited skanks over to the house and Snickers got into another fight with the skanks.

UGH. MTV yanked this episode off it's website.

What I remember is that Pauly D met a girl named Danielle. She's a very cute, Jewish, Israeli girl. I mention the Jewish part because she wants Pauly D to convert. That should have been his first clue that this girl was a little off. They JUST MET. Pauly D tries to hook up with her but she says she's waiting until marriage for that. Uh-oh. Pauly D sees her as a challenged now and remains intrigued.

Snickers met a farmer named Keith. He has muscles so I guess it doesn't matter that he's some white guy and not Italian. She decides to date Keith. Keith seems like a meathead. It's the shore...what do I expect, right? They don't have sex, but they exchange numbers and agree to hang out when she gets back from Atlantic City.

Well, the gang goes to Atlantic City and have a good time. While they are there, The Situation stirs up mad trouble because he just talks crap to everyone. Even Snickers. They are all at dinner giving giving each other shit and Snickers asks for a roll (of bread). The Situation tells Snickers that she's already got a couple of rolls (of fat). It's super harsh and so unnecessary. It's totally hitting below the belt and Snickers is very hurt. She leaves the table and JWOW follows her into the bathroom. Snickers tells JWOW that she is VERY self conscious and that, in high school, she was bulimic. Even though The Situation doesn't know this part of Snickers' history, it's never ok to call a girl fat...or imply that she is. It's just really f-ed up.

Later at the club, Vinny starts making out with some chick. As soon as Vinny walks away to get a drink, The Situation "commits a robbery" and takes the chick and starts making out with her. He did it on purpose and it was totally messed up. Vinny just thinks it's gross because he had JUST made out with her and his saliva was probably still in her mouth. SICK. I almost threw up right now thinking about that. Vinny teases The Situation and asks him how he tastes. SICK!!

Later JWOW gets drunk and throws up in the bathroom of the club. She comes out and asks The Situation - who is totally hooking up with the girl that he took from Vinnie - to walk her up to the room. The Situation told her to go up by herself or find someone else to walk her up. They start arguing and JWOW threatens to beat up the girl The Situation is hooking up with. The Situation still refuses to walk JWOW upstairs, so JWOW slaps him and she is escorted out of the club....

I'll do the full recap when MTV puts it back online...

Jersey Shore, Season 1, Episode 6

Last time: The house bonded because Snickers got punched in the face, we met Ronnie's family, Vinny took home the boss's girl, and The Situation was a man-whore.

Vinny walks into Ronnie's room and says that it was nice knowing him but Vinny is probably getting evicted. Ronnie is confused and Vinny tells him about taking home Tonya, Danny's date. Ronnie thinks it's hilarious.

Vinny walks downstairs and the guys ask him if he wants to go with them. Vinny passes and then interviews that the guys in the house are like robots. All they do EVERY DAY is Gym-Tan-Laundry. They go workout, then they go to a tanning place and then they pick up their laundry. They are worse then chicks. Vinny says it's how they "make the guido". GTL. Vinny prefers BPB - Basketball, Pool, Beach. Heh.

Vinny goes into work and he's a little worried about seeing Danny. Everyone is curious what's going to happen. Danny is kind of giving him shit. Then Danny walks up to Vinny and asks if he'll be able to get his stuff out tonight. He's just joking with Vinny. It's all good.

Back at the house later that night, Melissa, The Situation's sister, calls the house and Vinny gets his flirt on. He tells The Situation that Melissa called and wants him to call her back. Vinny is all giddy and smiley and tells The Situation that he talked to his sister for 45 minutes. The Situation smiles and says that Vinny sees how cute The Situation is and wants to meet his sister. Haha. The Situation calls his sister and tells her that Vinny wants her to come out with them. The Situation interviews that he didn't mind hooking Vinny up with his sister because he knows Vinny is harmless and Vinny knows that The Situation is the man of the house and won't push it too far. Well, he is right that Vinny is a nice guy. He's the most respectful towards women for sure.

The Situation's sister arrives and Vinny is not so interested because she looks too much like The Situation. And he's not into that. She's actually very cute. They all take off to go to the club. What is up with the T-Shirts? They are T-shirts with shiny/metallic designs on them. It's like the guys version of a bedazzled shirt. They look ridiculous. The roommates are all dancing on the dance floor. Everyone is having a good time and dancing and Sammi and Ronnie are standing outside talking. Snookie says it's annoying because they only have 2 weeks left in the house and Ronnie and Sammie aren't making an effort to hang out with the roommates. Pauly D echoes the sentiment.

Vinny is flirting more with Melissa and sees that she's a cute girl and she doesn't look so much like The Situation. Snickers is flirty and dancing with her "friend" Mike. Sammi and Ronnie are in the cab and Sammi is WASTED. He's teasing her for being drunk. She calls him a "stumpy bastard" and he says that she's a "stumpy bastard, too." Heh. Ronnie is smiling and it's clearly all in jest. But, drunk Sammi decides to get angry. Sammi: "Did you really just call me a stumpy bastard?" Ronnie: "Listen, with your Flintstone big toe." Sammi: "Then don't f****** talk to me." All of a sudden Sammi gets super pissed. Ronnie is confused how the joking turned to anger. Ronnie, she's drunk. It's not going to make sense. Ronnie says she's acting like every other Jersey girl. Sammi was pissed and felt really disrespected.

The rest of the roommates - and Melissa and Snicker's "friend", Mike - are in a minivan taxi and The Situation decides that he wants to go to KARMA. So the cab driver stops to let out some people and Snickers decides to "test" Mike. She tells him that she's going home, so he come home with her or go to KARMA with The Situation. Mike jumps out of the cab to go to KARMA. Ha! Snickers is pissed: "He frickin' jumped out of the car like it was on fire." HAHA. She says she hates guys and is turning lesbian. Good luck, Snickers. Pauly D tells her it's hard to find a good man these days, "that's why I date women." Heh.

Back at the house, Ronnie is making some food. He and Sammi aren't speaking to one another. Pauly D gets home with Snickers, Vinny and Melissa. They can tell Ronnie is upset and he tells them he got in a fight with Sammi. Snickers goes upstairs to talk to Sammi. Snickers tells her that it's not "over" because of a stupid drunken fight. True dat.

Sammi: "Not if I f****** hate when people talk about me. I f****** can't help the way I f****** look, like, Don't f****** talk about me like that."

Snickers: "He didn't talk about you."

Sammi: "Yes he did. He f****** said your feet's like f****** Fred Flintstone. F*** you, you f****** bastard."

Snickers: "Are you really pissed off about that?"

Sammi: "I don't like that."

Snickers: "I'm gonna have to smack you in the face for that right now."

HAHA. Snickers is right. Sammi is DRUNK and there's no being reasonable with her right now. Ronnie comes in the room and tells Snickers that there is no use talking to Sammi right now. Then Sammi and Ronnie start arguing because he's mad that she told him to F*** himself just because he told her she had a big toe. She's pissed because it bothers her when someone makes fun of how she looks. UGH. Drama. She tells him that she would NEVER make fun of him. Um, didn't she call him a "stumpy bastard"? She didn't call him that because he's tall.

Back at KARMA, The Situation is getting his groove on. He met up with Alex - a girl who he tried to make out with before but her friend cock-blocked and Alex had to leave. So he's talking to her and convincing HER (alone) to come over later. She says she needs to get her stuff out of her friend's car and then she'll come over. The Situation interviews that Alex is supposed to come over...just Alex.

Ronnie and Sammi are on the roof and Ronnie is telling Sammi that he took a lot of abuse from her in the cab. OMG. The drama. Go to bed and talk about it in the morning. Sammi tries to get away. Ronnie tells her if she walks away, that's strike three and it's over. She, of course, walks away so Ronnie says that's it. He goes in the house and tells Vinny and Pauly D, "I'm back." Which I assume by the cheers and high fives means that he's ready to party and meet girls. So Pauly D, Vinny and Ronnie take off to go "creep" on some girls at KARMA.

Those shiny shirts are too much. The designs are glowing. Seriously, it looks like glitter. It's like Ed Hardy threw up on these guys.

Sammi comes downstairs to find Ronnie and talk to him. Melissa tells her that he went to Karma with Pauly D. Sammi is pissed and tells us that Ronnie went to KARMA to creep. Sammi gets all dramatic and says that she will bet money that Ronnie is going to come home with a "bitch". Snickers tells her that Ronnie wouldn't do that and Sammi says that she knows he will. Sammi is annoying. Of course Ronnie is not bringing anyone home and Sammi knows that. She's such a drama queen.

Ronnie is telling Pauly D what happened with Sammi and says "bro" about 10 times. When they get to KARMA, Ronnie realizes right away that he made a mistake by going there. He and his shiny, sparkling T-Shirt walk back to the house and he goes to talk to Sammi. They proceed to have the stupidest conversation about her damn big toe. She finally forgives him and they are back together. Surprise, surprise.

The boys come back and Snicker's "friend", Mike, comes back with them. Snickers tells us it's shady that he went with the boys to KARMA and she's not dealing with it. He tells Snickers "Ronnie & Pauly...I love them two." and Snickers says "why don't you f******* marry them then." OMG. So dumb. She's pouting and Mike, accurately, points out that she told him to go out with the guys. Snickers tells him "That was a test you jerkoff." She's mad and tells him that the only reason he comes to the house is to hang out with her roommates and he says that he comes back to see her. Snickers' response: "Lick my ass."

So, The Situation is back at the house and he hears Alex yelling from downstairs. Little does he know, she brought her two friends with her. The Situation sees her and says that she showed up with "two giant bodyguards and one of them was the same grenade she brought with her last time." Heh. He pleads for Pauly D to keep the grenades company but he refuses. Pauly D says that The Situation wants him to jump on a grenade for him, but he's not into it. So Snickers comes out and volunteers to tell the girls to leave. The Situation tells her that the "fat one" has to go and that Snickers will know right away who he's talking about. Snickers interviews that The Situation told her 3 girls were there but he only wants to "choke" one of them, so she volunteers to tell the others to leave.

Snickers tells us that "these hippos come into our house" so she goes out there tells them that they have to leave. Alex can stay but she doesn't have any of her stuff, so she leaves with her friends. One of the friends calls Snickers a "bitch" and instead of letting it go, Snickers calls out to the girls asking what they said which starts a huge fight. Snickers and the "grenade from last time" start yelling at each other and The Situation gets in there and holds the three girls back. Snickers makes the fool move of charging at the really big girl and that girl hits Snickers in the face. Leave the big girl alone, Snickers. She will pound your ass. Holy crap!! The big girl's top is totally coming off and her boob is hanging out - I assume because they blur it out. Wow. The cops come and the fight ends. Alex gets arrested - which kind of sucks since she was staying out of the fight. BUT, she was the most intoxicated, so they took her in. Yikes.

Snickers is pissed at The Situation because she basically got hit in the face for him. Pauly D tells us that poor Snickers got hit in the face again. He says she needs to take karate or self defense or something. He says Snickers "needs to learn to fight...or duck." HAHA! The Situation is trying to defend himself and Snickers isn't having it. She's pissed that she had to fight two girls that The Situation should not have asked to the house in the first place. As Snickers is huffing and puffing around the room, I have to laugh. She's SO short. She looks like a Monchichi or a Troll doll with all that hair. She goes and gets this blue blow-up hammer thing and just starts hammering The Situation. It's so funny because at first she's totally serious. Then, as she continues to beat him and as The Situation and all the other boys start laughing, she starts laughing. The Situation picks her up and she's hanging upside down behind him as she's yelling that she hates him. He won't put her down so she grabs his junk from behind and they both fall down on the bean bag. HA. Cute. All the roommates are laughing. The Situation tells us that he felt bad that Snickers got hit in the face by a couple of linebackers. He never intended on "bringing back a couple of zoo creatures." He says that the "gorillas probably just smelled the food at the house." Wow.

The house is a mess and Vinny's family is coming. So he starts cleaning the house like crazy. Vinny's family shows up and EVERYONE is there. His mom, his sister, his cousin, her brother, two kids, another cousin, a boyfriend, etc. So funny. Vinny says that was only 10% of his family. Ha. His mom is the typical Italian mom and brings boatloads of food: baked ziti with sauce, greens, salad, bread, meats, cheeses. She has everyone sit at the table and serves everyone. The roommates LOVE Vinny's mom. She's a true Italian woman from Sicily. After lunch, she gives Vinny a bag of his undershirts and socks. He's a total mama's boy. So cute. His mom totally cleans the entire house. I love his mom.

The roommates decide to go to their favorite bar, Beachcombers. They are all hanging out and having a good time. There's an a-hole sitting next to Pauly D and he just keeps talking shit to them. He keeps asking them where they're from and what they know about Seaside. Seriously? This guy is delusional. There is nothing cool about Seaside. The fact that this guys thinks THEY are lame for not being from there says it all really. Pauly D tells him that he's done talking to him and they all just ignore him.

Snickers and JWOW are dancing and Snickers decides she's going to tell Sammi and Ronnie that she thinks it's lame that they don't hang out with the rest of the roommates. I see Snickers' point. They only have two weeks left and they want Sammi and Ronnie to be part of the group. Especially Ronnie. Sammi is annoying. Sammi keeps saying that they go out all the time, but if you go out and just talk to your boyfriend the whole time, it's not really going out with the roommates. Dumb.

The Situation and Pauly D are back at home trying to call some girls to come over. Ronnie and Sammi decide to leave the bar and are walking down the boardwalk when....the d-bag from the bar and his girlfriend (?) start walking behind them. The guy is yelling stuff at Ronnie and Sammi and Ronnie is just ignoring it. Sammi decides to talk back and the guy yells stuff to her asking her to say it again. Ronnie is telling the guy to stop and saying "She's a female, bro. Stop. She's a female." I guess Ronnie thought this would be enough to get the guy to shut up. Sammi decides to get into it with the girlfriend and starts talking shit to the girl and the guy. Ronnie is telling Sammi to stop. Sammi keeps yelling back at the guy and Ronnie tells her to stop again and shoves her. Now, it's never ok to hit a woman or even shove her, but I honestly don't think Ronnie was trying to be violent against Sammi. He was trying to get her to stop instigating and antagonizing. I actually didn't even notice the push until Sammi decided to get pissed off at Ronnie for pushing her. So Sammi decides that she's totally pissed and just walks ahead. That's what she should have done in the first place.

Ronnie is upset that Sammi is pissed at him. So now he's ready to fight the guy. He tells the guy to come at him and the guy starts to. His girlfriend is pushing at Ronnie and Ronnie tells the guy to hold back his girl. Ronnie isn't hitting the girl at all, he just pushes her hands away when she grabs Ronnie. Ronnie finally gets away from the girlfriend and - I shit you not - he looks like an Ape or a Gorilla going after the guy. It's like his feet barely touch the ground as he glides over to the guy and just punches the crap out of him. The girlfriend is trying to pull Ronnie off and Sammi gets in there and tries to pull the other guy away. A friend of Pauly's calls the house and tells The Situation and Pauly D that Ronnie got into a bad fight on the boardwalk, so those guys race outta the house.

Some other randoms get involved and pull the guys apart. Ronnie is pissed and just walks away. Sammi tries to get mad at him for fighting and Ronnie shuts her down. He tells her not to talk to him and that she's the one who started it all. Sammi is upset and starts crying. She's trying to hold his hand and he's not having it. He says that he did it because of her and that she instigated it. She tries to touch his face and he tells her not to touch him. Ronnie walks ahead and leaves Sammi behind to walk by herself. Pauly D and The Situation finally catch up to Ronnie. JWOW comes up and asks where Sam is and Ronnie says "I don't give a f***!" Ouch. Sammi tells us that she doesn't think it was cool that Ronnie just left her behind to walk home by herself. Get over yourself, Sammi. Ronnie just got into a horrible fight, his face is swollen, he's pissed. Cut him some slack. It's not always about you, Sammi.

Ronnie gets home and puts some ice on his face. He's super angry and starts throwing shit outside. Sammi gets back to the house and goes on the roof with Snickers. She tells Snickers that Ronnie pushed her and left her and it's not ok. Drama. Snickers is pissed about the pushing. Snickers says that she understands where Sammi is coming from "because I just got hit in the face by a guy." Not the same thing, Snickers.

Ronnie goes outside with the ice on his face and tells Sammi that he did not mean to push her. I hate this because I do not think it is ever ok to put your hands on a woman like that. So, Ronnie was wrong and he acknowledges that he was wrong. I just wish it hadn't been Sammi. She makes it so hard to feel sympathy for her. She's so self absorbed. It's obnoxious. She tells Ronnie that he traumatized her by shoving her. Again, yes, it was wrong of Ronnie to do it. But, I think she's full of shit. She was not traumatized. She knows that she instigated that fight and she feels guilty. In order to shift the blame from her back to Ronnie, she's focusing on the shove. I think that's manipulative and f***ed up. Shame on you, Sammi. Ronnie apologizes and they hug and make up. Gag.

Until next time...

Jersey Shore, Episode 5

Well, it seems that MTV's full episode player is not working so I can't recap Episodes 3 and 4 yet, but I'll go ahead and recap Episode 5.

Last time - as I'm sure you all already know - Snickers got clocked in the face by some drunk asshole.

The episode begins with the roommates at the bar and Snickers getting hit. She's crying on the floor and Julio - their co-worker from the T-shirt place - is yelling at him and pushing him. JWOW and Sammi are with Snickers on the floor. The cops arrest the guy and take him outside. The boys all run out and start yelling at the guy's friends. Vinny is seriously angry. He's kicking things and looking to beat someone up. You know, I'll say one thing for these guidos - they may talk about women's boobs and asses and whistle and say disrespectful things, but they DO NOT tolerate hitting a female. That's where they draw the line. Hey, it's something.

Sammi is in the bathroom with Snickers and cleaning her up. Snickers is crying and it looks like the guy hit her lip. She's most concerned that she hasn't lost any teeth ("Please don't tell me I have missing teeth. Please don't tell me I have missing teeth."). Luckily, she is not missing any teeth. JWOW and Sammi keep saying that she's "gushing blood," but I don't see any. Vinny comes in and looks at her mouth to see where she's hurt. It appears she has a cut on her gums. Vinny assures her "that kid is not going to be able to walk this earth again because he's known as the guy who punched a girl in the face." I agree it will be a tough hurdle to overcome. My advice: Leave Jersey.

The girls go outside to see the EMT. He tells Snickers to put ice packs on her mouth and that she shouldn't have any swelling. Well, Snickers, it could've been a lot worse. The group is heading home and The Situation decides that, since the drama is over, he's going to continue hitting on a chick. Her name is Jackie and he is trying to convince her to come back to the house with him - even though she lives with her boyfriend? Dumb. I don't hate on him for trying to get his groove on, but it's a little inappropriate considering the evening's events. He should just go back to the house with the roommates and chill out. He can go prowling the next night. Vinny says that The Situation is a creep.

The roommates arrive back at the house and they are all stunned about what happened. Snickers doesn't want to talk to anyone and goes up to bed and cries. I'm not going to make fun of her. I can't even begin to imagine what she must be feeling. I've never been hit by a guy OR a girl for that matter so I really feel for her.

Ronnie decides that it's The Situation's fault that Snickers got punched. No. That's not true. Yes, The Situation was ordering a lot of shots and, at one point, he didn't feel like arguing with the frat guys and just gave them some shots, but that does not mean that he "instigated" anything. Ronnie seems to think that because The Situation gave those guys shots without getting anything in return, he instigated everything and Snickers got punched. Dumb. The guy who hit Snickers was a drunk asshole. That's it.

Ronnie goes upstairs and tells her that they all love her and that he loves her and cares about her. It's very sweet. He tells her that they all love her and that they are one big family. She says that now she knows that they all love her like she loves them.

Ronnie is on the roof and totally upset. Sammi asks what's wrong and he blames The Situation for this whole thing again. He says he's pissed that The Situation saw it happen and did nothing. They show the scene again and The Situation looks shocked. He doesn't "do" anything, but he looks like he doesn't even know what happened. And what's he supposed to do? Immediately after it happened, everyone jumped on the guy. Ronnie, you don't know how you're going to react in a situation until it actually happens to you. However, he has a point when he bashes The Situation for creeping right after and trying to get that girl, Jackie, to come back to the house with him. Sammi is a supportive girlfriend and tells Ronnie that The Situation is not a good friend and that Ronnie is a "f****** good friend".

The next morning, Ronnie's family comes to the house. They knock and knock and wait for someone to let them in. Ronnie finally crawls out of bed and answers the door. His dad is surprised that Ronnie just got up since it's 11 a.m. Apparently, his dad has NO IDEA what kids do at the Jersey Shore. Ronnie's little brother is adorable. His mom tells Ronnie to get himself together so they can get something to eat. Ronnie says that they have to wait for Samantha because he wants her to come with them. His mom asks if Samantha is going to sleep until 3 p.m. (heh!) and Ronnie says that she's in the shower. His dad tells him not to make this an all day event. HAHA. His family cracks me up.

Sammi is taking her time getting ready. Well, maybe she's not and it just takes a REALLY long time for guidettes to get ready. Again, this is why I'm glad I'm not high maintenance. In a pinch, I can shower and be ready to go in 15 minutes. Sammi says that she needs to look good for Ronnie's family so that they say that she's really pretty. Ugh. Meanwhile, Ronnie's mom is hungry and super impatient. I think his folks could be a little more patient - although I have no idea how long they have been waiting. AND, I think Sammi could speed it up a little knowing that EVERYONE is waiting for HER! His dad says that time is of the essence and his mom says "yeah, I could be getting my tan on right now." LOVE these people. Ronnie goes inside to bug Sammi and she says she's trying to rush in an annoyed voice which is just so rude and obnoxious.

JWOW tells Snickers that Ron's parents are here and Snickers says she'll go out and say hi. She wasn't in the mood to entertain but she sucked it up for Ronnie's parents. Ronnie is such a sweetheart. He goes inside and gets Snickers an icepack. He tells his parents about the "incident" and says that a "grown man decided to punch her in the face." His mom: "Oh HELL no. You guys didn't, like, go bash him?" Vinny tells her that the cops were there and she says "Let's go back to that bar." Love Jersey moms.

Ronnie's mom has had enough. She tells Ronnie to tell Sam that she's wasting time on her hair. They want to EAT! Ronnie tells her to relax and gets mad that she's being rude. Ronnie, I hear you, but seriously, your girlfriend is the rude one. Tell her to snap in those extensions and get her ass out there. His mom says that she just saying she shouldn't waste her time on her hair because even she's ready to pin her own hair up because it's so hot: "Oh my gaw, why's he so sensitive?" LOVE IT.

Sammi finally graces everyone with her presence. And she looks exactly the same as she did when she woke up. Ronnie's mom tells her that she looks beautiful so I guess, mission accomplished. They are all playing games on the boardwalk. Ronnie wins a bear for Sammi.

JWOW and Snickers are hanging out in a bar and drinking. Snickers is trying to drink out of the side of her mouth. HAHA.

Ronnie's family leaves and Ronnie is happy that his mom loves Sammi. They are so great. Snicker gets a phone update regarding the guy who hit her. The automated voice tells her that he has been released on bail. To cope with the news, the girls decide to go tan. On the way, JWOW asks if Ronnie and Sammi have had sex and Sammi refuses to answer in a way that says YES!

Pauly D calls Carmine, the owner of KARMA, to tell him that he's a DJ and asks if he can spin one night. Carmine asks what kind of crowd he gets and Pauly D says about 500 people. Carmine tells him to come in the next night at around 9-10 p.m.

The boys decide to make a steak and lobster dinner for the house to help Snickers forget about what happened. It looks delish! Vinny tells Snickers to put one of the lobsters in the boiling water. She interviews that she's a vet tech - she saves animals, not kill them. Ha. I bet she'll eat them, though. The Situation says that the dinner they are putting together takes a lot of time and preparation and the girls aren't doing anything to help. YUM!! Lobster, steak, asparagus, mashed potatoes, corn, salad. YUM!! Snickers says she's having trouble eating because she's "disabled". Wow. Sammi gets pissed because The Situation didn't put his plate away and left it on the table. The Situation says that he cooked for 2 hours for all of them, so someone else can put his plate in the sink. I hear you, man. Sammi interviews that she never asked him to cook for her. Dumb. She ate the food he prepared. She can put away his plate. Jeez. This chick is so freakin' entitled. The Situation refuses to clean up. He interviews that he cooked this great meal for everyone and now Sammi has the nerve to ask him to clean up. He says that she's excluded from dinner from now on if this is how she's going to act. Sammi's bitch, Ronnie, went ahead and cleaned up for The Situation.

The roommates take a boat to "F Cove"?? I'm not sure if that's the right name, but that's what it sounded like. The name of their boat is "Fuggedaboutit". Awesome. Basically, "F Cove" is a place where everyone brings their boat to party and people go from boat to boat. It's a lot like the cove at Lake Havasu. They are all having a good time, dancing and drinking. Pauly D jumped in the water and his hair did not move. Pauly D says that he feels bad for Ronnie every single time they party because he's wasting his time with Sammi. I think what Pauly D doesn't understand is that Ronnie doesn't want to get drunk and dance with a bunch of girls because he likes Sammi. His girl is with him. Getting drunk and dancing with randoms is really only fun when you don't have someone. JWOW kind of has a boyfriend, but he's not there, so what else is she going to do...sulk and pout?

Ronnie yells at Snickers that he wants to leave. She's on some other boat, talking to a guy and wants to get his number so she tells him to wait. Ronnie is tired and doesn't want to be out there anymore so he jumps in the water and swims over to her. He picks her up and throws her in the water. She tells him that it wasn't cool and was pissed off because she missed her opportunity to get the guy's number.

The Situation breaks down the numbers game for us. In any given week, he and Pauly D will get about 10 numbers. About 5-6 of them won't turn into anything. But about 3-4 will end up coming through and then he and Pauly D just have to choose who they want to hook up with. Awesome. The Situation has some girls coming over for him and Pauly D and Ronnie says the rest of them are going out. The girls arrive: Jennifer, Stephanie and Jackie. Vinny stayed with the boys and one of the girls calls him out for not drinking. The Situation likes Stephanie and wants to take her out to lunch and dinner, not just hook up. Vinny explains the fist pump and says that he wants to dance. Vinny says that these girls are actually cool.

The others were all at Bamboo partying it up. One girl was yelling at them and she asked JWOW who her "fat friend" is referring to Snickers. That set JWOW off! She threw her drink in the girl's face and then started hitting the girl. The bouncers kick her out and they all head home.

The girls leave the house and The Situation kisses his girl, Stephanie, good-bye. Stephanie says that she knows about him. The Situation comes upstairs and tells Pauly D that the girls told him that people have been going around talking about The Problem and The Situation hooking up with all the girls. Pauly D thinks this is "banging" and the boys pat themselves on the back.

The Situation gets stood up by Stephanie - the girl from the night before. They were supposed to go to lunch. Heh. JWOW gets a call from her boyfriend (I guess they made up) asking her if she received a package from him. She says no but then Ronnie and Pauly D walk in with a bouquet of roses. They are "the rarest" type of roses: blue roses. Weird.

The group goes out again and Pauly D is DJ'ing at KARMA. Ronnie and Sammi are making out and decide that they need to go home immediately. They take off and the rest of the group is wondering why they just left. If they don't know why, then they are dumb. Everyone is dancing and super impressed with Pauly D's DJ skills. Vinny starts talking to this tattooed girl named, Tonya. She was older than he is so he calls her a cougar. They start hooking up at the club and walk home. Then Tonya drops the bomb: She loves Danny, as in Vinny's boss and landlord. She says they had dinner tonight but she doesn't know what happened to him. Vinny starts thinking back to when he started flirting with Tonya and realizes that Danny was THERE!! And, he's not looking so happy. Vinny took home the boss's girl.

See you next week...

Jersey Shore, Episode 4

I didn't get to recap this because they removed it from the MTV website so I couldn't. If they put it back up, I'll recap it. But here's a summary of what happened:

This is the episode where Snooki gets hit in the face. That happened at the end of the episode. The rest of the episode The Situation and Pauly had to juggle various groups of chicks.

Jersey Shore, Episode 3

Sorry everyone...I started to recap and by the time I went back to finish, MTV took it off the website. If it comes back up, I'll finish the recap.

"Good Riddance"

We pick up with Ronnie walking home pissed after JWOW told him that Sammi "Sweetheart" gave her number to her cop friend at Karma. Ronnie takes off his shirt, walks into the shore house, slams the door, and just face plants onto his bed. He has his head buried in his pillow, no shirt, faded jeans WITH A WHITE BELT and white sneakers. I don't even know what to say. JWOW feels bad that Ronnie went home by himself and that he's probably really upset so she decides to go home to check on him.

Back at Karma, Sammi is looking for Ronnie. She goes outside and starts talking to Vinnie. She tells him that her cop friend asked her for her number and she gave it to him...no big deal. Vinnie disagrees and tells her that it wasn't cool. Sammi doesn't understand why because the cop is her "friend" AND she's single. You know, cuz Ronnie hasn't said "You're my girl". Oh good Lord. Snooki tells Sammi that Ronnie and JWOW went back to the house together. Of course, Sammi - already pissed that Ronnie was dancing with some other chick - thinks that JWOW and Ronnie left together to go home and hook up. DRAMA.

Sammi struts home in her T-shirt/dress (?) that barely covers her ass - which I'm sure is the point - and her hooker heels. If I didn't know she was at the Jersey Shore, I'd assume she was a hooker...or it was Halloween. Anyhow, she gets home and marches right upstairs. JWOW is dressed and on her bed and Ronnie is in his bed.

Ok, this is where I stopped...but let me tell you what happened:

Sammi and Ronnie have a dumb argument and end up crying and hook up again. Everything is good. Angelina decides that she doesn't want to work and gets fired and moves out. She wanted the roommates to be sad that she was leaving and convince her to stay ... but they didn't. See ya!!

Jersey Shore, Season Premiere (Part 2), Episode 2

I've decided that I'm going to refer to some of these people by nicknames:

Nicole - Snickers
Jennie - JWOW
Mike - Situation
Angelina - Jolie (only because that's what they call her so it makes it easier)

So Snickers has decided to move out. It's the next morning and she's having second thoughts. She knows she screwed up by getting wasted the first night and now everyone thinks she's a slutty whore. Well... Anyhow, she is telling everyone she's leaving. I think she just wants people to beg her to stay.

The Situation is making breakfast and Sammi is eating and she interviews that The Situation is such a "sweetheart". She came downstairs and he had made her breakfast. Awwww. They are both shy and cute and tell each other that they like each other. The Situation interviews that he's a player, but with Sammi, there "might be enough vibin' that I'll cut that out." I'm skeptical.

It's raining in Jersey! Jolie and Pauly D are working together at the T-Shirt Shop. Pauly D says that he's pumped and thinks this will be an easy gig. Jolie, on the other hand, says that the Jersey Shore is a "playground and not a place to come and work." Yikes. She should have read her contract. Danny is telling them how important it is to "Sell, Sell, Sell!" [Sounds like my ex boss: Bill! Bill! Bill! - notice I said "ex". :)] Jolie is annoyed that she has to work a few days a week. Line of the episode, Jolie: "I feel like this job is beneath me. I'm a bartender. I do great things." This blog writes itself. Really.

Pauly D is making sales and putting himself out there. Jolie is...not. She wasn't selling and wasn't trying so Danny put her on "hanger duty" which meant she had to hang T-Shirts. HA. Jolie tells us "the hours are too much for me." Ugh.

Back at the house...Sammi walks into Snickers' room to talk to her. Snickers says she's still feeling sad. DRAMA. Snickers interviews (very seriously): "I love the Jersey Shore. I love being a guidette. But no one in the house can understand how I'm feeling right now." Sammi takes Snickers into the living room to talk to her. Sammi tells her straight up that she didn't like Snickers the first night because she thought she was the "sloppy girl." Then she says that the next day, she was still not feeling Snickers because she was like "ew" about the night before. But throughout the day, Sammi had a change of heart. She decided not to judge Snickers and just get to know her. Sammi interviews that she thinks Snickers needs to build up her self esteem. No kidding!! I think that all the housemates could use a little more self esteem and less arrogance. AND, a little self respect wouldn't hurt. Sammi tells Snickers not to go home and that she'll be there for Snickers if she needs a friend...people don't call her Sammi Sweetheart for nothing, y'all. Snickers tells us "I'm not a strong person as I look." Um...what? She has feelings, yo. I feel like I need to include quotes so that you can fully grasp the essence of the show.

Ronnie, The Situation and Vinny are all working out at the gym. If you want to look like The Situation, which he tells us is pretty hard, you need protein in your diet. I assume by "protein" he means "protein shakes". The boys are in the car on the way home and they talk about going out tonight. Ronnie is ready to get his drink on. The Situation tells him he could've done that last night. Ronnie says that if he just wanted to get crazy, he would've just "pounded out" Snickers the first night. Then, Vinny says that he thinks Ronnie has a crush on Sammi. The Situation agrees and says that Ronnie may not "like" her but he wants to at least hook up with her. Ronnie eloquently says "I'd pound out Sammi. I really would. She's f-ing cute." Ok, again. It's so weird when Ronnie says things like this because he looks like such a dumb, sweet, meathead. It's hard to hear him sound so crass and douche-y. The Situation wonders if he has some competition for Sammi with Ronnie and then he decides "Nah...I don't."

Breaking news: Snickers has decided...to stay. She's ready to party, meet sexy guidos and be single. WOOT!

Snickers walks down to the T-Shirt shop to find "something that makes me look hot" and to tell Pauly D and Jolie that she's staying. Pauly D says he's glad she's staying because she's his girl. Wait...what? When did that happen? He interviews that he and Snickers would make the cutest little guidos and guidette babies. Seriously, when did this happen? Weird.

It's time for the evening shift and The Situation and Sammi are working. The Situation says that he can sell a T-shirt standing still..."matter of fact, I just sold one just right now." Dumb. He's showing all the girls who come in "the situation" and selling them underwear with "I LOVE THE SITUATION"ironed on them. Danny tells him that he likes the situation right now. Heh. The Situation tells us that everyone loves him: dogs, babies, hot girls, cougars. He just has mass appeal.

JWOW is talking to the boys about her boyfriend. She admits that she and Pauly D have been flirting but that she would be the stupidest girl in the world to mess things up with her boyfriend. I'm sensing that she will become that girl before the episode is over. Meanwhile Jolie tells us that HER boyfriend's biggest concern is whether or not Jolie will cheat on him. Ugh.

The roommates are all getting ready. The gel and hairspray is polluting the house. Snickers says she's not "poofing" her hair and Jolie says "I would never to that to my hair if I were you." Snickers says "why not? I love the poof. It's f-ing guidette." I'm speechless.

They all stop at the shop to tell The Situation and Sammi that they are going out. They go to the club and Pauly D and JWOW are dancing pretty close. Vinny tells us that he will dance with anyone: fat, ugly, 45 years old, whatever. It's fun! Snickers interviews that her ideal man would be "Italian, dark, muscles, juice head, guido. If I found that guy I'd snatch him like that." What is a "juice head"? I thought that was someone who was on steroids. Is she really saying she wants someone who's juiced up on steroids? She's dancing with a bunch of different guys many of which seem like they fit that description. One of them has a girlfriend and Snickers says that it's really hard to find that perfect guy "cuz it's the Jersey shore, you know." Hmmm. Jolie seems to have found a "guido" of her own. She's grinding on a bunch of guys and Vinny is shocked because she has a boyfriend. Hasn't he ever watched MTV? This is what happens. Girls (and guys) say they would NEVER cheat on their significant others and they ALWAYS DO.

Snickers finds a guy and she's feeling like she wants to hook up. She's making out with him at the bar and she stumbles with him back to the house. He tells her she's the Queen of Guidettes not JUST a guidette.

Meanwhile, JWOW and Pauly D are dancing really close and teasing each other. Neither one of them wants to be the first one to kiss the other. Dumb. Camera cuts to Jolie freakin' some guy and Snickers walking home with her dude. Then we see the name of the club: KARMA. Heh.

Sammi and The Situation are having some dinner on the roof. They were exhausted and feeling a little annoyed that the housemates all went out without them. Then Sammi asks if any of the guys in the house like her. The Situation and I are actually thinking the same thing: Is she serious right now?? Why would she ask that? The Situation says Ronnie and then proceeds to bash him and make him look like Ronnie is a d-bag who just wants to get laid. Can you say "cockblock"? The Situation admits that's what he's doing but he doesn't care. Sammi says that Ronnie is a little bit of badass. I think she likes that.

Snickers and her "friend," Robbie, show up. They go up to the roof and Sammi is shocked because Robbie actually looks descent. Ouch.

The rest of the housemates come home. Pauly D and JWOW start hooking up and he shows her that his penis is pierced. Ewww. They keep making out and then she stops because she realizes that she just "technically" cheated on her boyfriend. There's no "technically" about it, JWOW, you cheated. Snickers says that she and her "friend," Robbie, went up to the roof "to watch the sunset, wait, no, the sunrise." Her "friend" is totally passing out and she's annoyed. "C'mon man, wake up! I brought you to the house and I wanna make out and you're totally ignoring me." HAHA. He wakes up and starts throwing up and it's disgusting. I actually gagged a little watching it. Sick. Snickers goes to the kitchen to get a plastic bag and she tells Ronnie and Vinny that her friend threw up. They start talking smack and she says "C'mon guys. He's my friend, ok." Um...you met him 2 hours ago, he's not your friend. He's some super drunk random you brought home to hook up with and now he's throwing up on your roof.

Snickers goes back on the roof and her "friend" offers her a piece of gum. She tells him she would like him to clean his mess right now. Heh. He finished and she walked him home. He thanks her for taking care of him and says goodnight. He leans in for the kiss and Snickers says "I'm not kissing you because you have throw up breath." Wow, now there's a line I've never said or heard before. Snickers says she has bad luck with guys and doesn't understand why. Well, I'd say your first problem is trying to find a guy in a bar and going home with the drunkest one there.

Next morning, everyone is in the kitchen making breakfast and Jolie wants to know what happened the night before. She claims that she doesn't remember anything...especially grinding up against some guys. The Situation tells us that Jolie is lying to everyone and they all know it. Jolie says that everyone thinks she cheated on her boyfriend so she's freaking out. She decides that she needs to talk to her boyfriend. She calls him and he says that he can't talk because he's in a meeting. Jolie says that she wants to talk to him now because she can't talk all day. He says he can't talk and hangs up on her. So, she calls back...about 5 times. He turned off his phone so her calls were going straight to voicemail. She can't understand what's going on because "he knows that I want to talk to him." Well, he certainly doesn't sound like a guy who's really scared of losing you.

Vinny discovers that he has pink eye. Gross. Ronnie says that's what he gets for dancing with a fat chick. Ass. Vinny tells all the housemates that he has pink eye. He goes into work to tell Danny that he can't work because he woke up this morning "with a little bit of pink eye." Is that being a little bit pregnant? Danny says he understands but asks him to find someone to take his shift. So Vinny goes back to the house to see if he has any takers. Sammi agrees to do the first part (3pm - 6pm), but that's it. She had to work last night and she wants to go out. They all pressure Jolie to take the rest of the shift (6-9pm), but she says she'll only do it if she can leave at 7pm because she needs to come and get ready to go out. Vinny says that they don't go out until 11:30pm, why does she need to start getting ready at 7pm. Basically, Jolie doesn't want to do it at all. So Vinny goes back and tells Danny that he could only get Jolie to cover until 7pm, so Danny just said to forget it. He'll make do.

The guys are all getting ready and Ronnie makes some "Ron Ron Juice". It's cranberry juice, fresh cherries, fresh watermelon and vodka (i think) all blended together with ice. They all get ready to go to the club. The Situation says that he and Sammi are vibin' and "it's not a matter of 'if' we hook up, it's a matter of when I decide."

They all walk to the club and get their drink on. Everyone is dancing and having a good time. The Situation decides it's time and he and Sammi start dancing and making out. Pauly D an JWOW are making out and dancing. All of a sudden she takes off his shirt and then leaves the club and goes home "because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend." Um...you saw Pauly D's penis last night and you guys just made out at the club. Too late! Sammi decides that she's had enough of The Situation for one night and moves onto RONNIE. Sammi says that Ronnie is "f-ing HOT!" Really? Anyhow, she starts dancing with Ronnie and they start making out. The Situation cannot believe his eyes.

The Situation is pissed! He walks up to Sammi and says "I saw you with Ronnie. How you gonna hook up with someone in the house right in front of me like that? Is that what you do? You hook up with me half the night, and then Ronnie half the night?" Sammi interviews that she should be able to do what she wants because she's not tied down to anybody. The Situation is hurt and keeps flipping her off. He walks up again and says "You f-ing do your thing, I'm gonna do mine." Ok, then do it and let it go. Sammi interviews that The Situation is freaking out and they weren't even dating! Then she proceeds to hook up with Ronnie.

The Situation says he's "a tiny bit upset" that Sammi shot him down. SO, he does what any hurt, angry, guido with a bruised ego would do: he starts a fight with some guy who was looking at him. The Situation tells Pauly D that some guy is starting trouble. So, The Situation blows a kiss to the guy and the guy gets angry and comes at them. He pushes Vinny and Pauly D snaps. He goes after the guy and throws a punch. Security kicks them all out and they start walking home. The Situation notices that there are 3 hot chicks walking behind them, so they turn around to meet the girls. The boys bring them back to the roof to drink some more and The Situation starts making out with one of them. Then he decides to go downstairs to get more drinks.

The Situation walks into the house and Ronnie and Sammi are in the kitchen. He can't just get his drinks and leave. He goes up to Sammi and asks her if she had a good night. She says she did and he says that she screwed up. He's obviously hurt and embarrassed and wants to try to make her feel bad. She interviews that she doesn't want to have anything to do with The Situation. The Situation won't let up. He again talks about how Sammi was vibin' with him and holding his hand the first night and making out with him and then decides to hook up with Ronnie. Sammi says that Ronnie is hot and she made her choice. The Situation can't believe it. He keeps telling her to do her thing, but he's still pissed. Sammi tells him to go upstairs to his "whores". The Situation goes upstairs and tells the girls that Sammi told him to go upstairs to his "whores." One of the girls gets pissed and says she's not a whore. The Situation tells her not to worry about it because no one is going to come upstairs and bother them.

Right then, Jolie comes upstairs and shouts "hey guys, are you coming downstairs to hang out with your roommates?" Jolie interviews that she was trying to "cock block." The Situation tells her that he'll be down in a few minutes and she's says no, he has to come now. The Situation interviews that he thinks Jolie is jealous because he's not giving her the attention that she wants. I think The Situation is absolutely right. The guys ask why she's a hater on the chicks that are up there. Jolie: "A hater? On these chicks? I don't think so. Look at me," implying that she's so hot she doesn't have to hate on those girls. The girls leave and Jolie goes downstairs.

The Situation walks into the house and calls Jolie a "hater." She blows him off, but he's pissed. He tells Jolie that she's on his shitlist. Jolie tells him that the girls he brought home were zeros, so he tells Jolie that must mean she's a -3. She tells him to look at her because she's all natural and she's hot. The Situation tells her "lose 5-10 pounds and we can talk. OK?" Ouch. Jolie: "Yo. I will cut your hair while you are sleeping." ha.

Ronnie and Sammi are laying on the futon on the roof. Ronnie tells her "Your boy was mad, like, 'What happened to my girl?'" Ronnie tells Sammi that she crushed the Situation tonight. Sammi says that she was never his "thing." I see your point, Sammi, you weren't his girlfriend, but you did hook up with the guy and you were giving him all the signals. Plus, he's your roommate and it's never good to hook up with two guys that you live with. Ronnie is eating this all up. He's a huge meathead and The Situation is smarter and more cut. Ronnie has muscles, but he's seriously like the HULK. He's just huge. The Situation is smaller but super cut. I'm sure Ronnie is a little intimidated so he's feeling awesome that he got the girl.

It's going to be an awesome season...

Jersey Shore, Season Premiere (Part 1), Episode 1

I've been dreading this recap since I saw this on Thursday. It is NO JOKE. MTV did a 2 hour premiere which is essentially the first two episodes of the show. I've been dreading it because there is just SO MUCH material. Let's get started...

Let me begin by saying that MTV lucked out on this one. This is Real World Jersey Shore. The difference is that MTV didn't have to pimp out a house for these guidos & guidettes (or wannabe guidos & guidettes - yes, I know, but some people actually aspire to be this). Apparently, when you spend your summer at "the shore", you live in a "Share House" - 6-10 people renting out a place for the summer. It's akin to getting a cabin in Tahoe for the Winter with a bunch of people. The difference is that the people in the Share House are there ALL SUMMER LONG and the people who stay in these Share Houses are like no one you've ever met and unbelievable. So all MTV had to do was rent a Share House and send 8 of the most ridiculous kids from Jersey there and BAM...you've got a show.

[DISCLAIMER: I use the terms "guido" and "guidette" in this recap - and expect future ones also - because this is what these people call themselves. I mean no disrespect or offense, I'm simply using the terminology that they have chosen. I actually thought it was an insult or offensive, but MTV didn't "bleep" it out and these people proudly refer to themselves this way.]

The Guidos and Guidettes:

PAULY D: Pauly is from Rhode Island and tells us when guidos stop their cars, the "chrome keeps spinnin'" (on their wheels). Pauly was born and raised "guido" and tells us it's what being Italian is all about. It's about representin' family, friends, tanning, culture, etc. He has a tanning bed in his house because he's so serious about "being guido and living up to that lifestyle". He also keeps gel companies in business. He has a stock of gel (so he never runs out ) and he's taking it all with him. Pauly's tagline is: I'm your girl's favorite DJ. Pauly says that he wants "all the guidettes to *** in their pants when they hear my music." Class act, this guy. (We later discover that he's 29 years old!!) He doesn't try to take a guy's girlfriend, but it just happens. He can't help it. It takes Pauly about 25 minutes to do his hair everyday but it comes out perfect everytime. "When I hit the shore, everyone's gonna see a new guido. Every girl loves the new guy."

NICOLE "Snookie": Some of these cats have nicknames. I think that's big on the East Coast - well, in the guido/guidette circles at least. Nicole is from Poughkeepsie, NY. She's about 4 feet tall and very curvy. Her black hair is LONG and she kind of looks like a short, fat version of Christina Aguilera in her black hair, tan skin phase. This girl is like an Oompa Loompa. No joke. Nicole: "I wanna married a guido. My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey and find a "juiced", hot, tan guy and live my life." I mean, you can't make this stuff up. She starts doing a little dance and sings "I love guidos, yeah!" She's walking down the street with her friends, yelling "I like tan guys with muscles!" Wow.

MIKE "The Situation": This guido is from Manalapan, NJ. His abs are so awesome that they are "The Situation". They look great, but it's a little weird to refer to them as "the situation". Mike tells us "A guido is a good-lookin', smooth, well dressed Italian." Mike says that girls LOVE guidos. He tells us that we can hate on him all we want but "what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo pretty much when he takes his shirt off?" I don't think I would say ANYTHING to someone who looked like that. Mike: "If I walked in the door and seen myself walk in, I'd probably grab my girl real quick."

[I'd paraphrase, but I think direct quotes give a fuller picture. :)]

SAMMI "Sweetheart": She's from Hazlet, NJ and they call her a sweetheart because "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet...but do not F*** with me." She's not looking for Mr. Right, but she is looking to hook up with a lot of "good, hot, sexy guidos." She's got standards, people. They aren't very high, but whatever. Her mission is to find the hottest guido and take him home. Sammi tells us "A guidette is someone who knows how to club it up, takes really good care of themselves, has pretty hair, cakes on make-up, has tan skin, wears the hottest heels...Pretty much, they know how to own it and rock it." Sammi finishes by saying "If you're not a guido, get the F*** outta my face." These girls are so classy.

VINNY: Vinny is from Staten Island and still lives with his Italian parents. He's a total mama's boy. He says that his ma does everything for him: cooks, cleans, laundry. He says that the guys with the fake tans, hair product and lip gloss aren't real guidos, they're "R******". He went to college (although didn't learn that using the "R" word is not acceptable) and spends time with his family. That doesn't mean he can't "fist pump" with the best of them. Then...he demonstrates. Now, some of you might be wondering, What is a "fist pump"? Well, it's exactly like it sounds. You make a fist with your hand and pump it in the air. I'm not kidding. He tells us "I'm proud to be a f*****' guido!" This is his first year at the shore. He's finally 21 and he's been waiting for this moment forever. He says it'll be hard to be away from home, but he's excited. His ENTIRE family says good-bye to him and his mom cries. I hope this guy is the group's conscience...but, I doubt it.

JENNI "JWOWW": From Long Island, she says "If you don't know me, then you hate me. And you want to be me." She also says she's like a Praying Mantis because after she has sex with a guy, she will rip their heads off. This girl is like a walking contradiction. She looks rough and has a total smoker's voice. Her hair is dyed black with white streaks. She kind of talks like a tough chick, but...she tans, wears heavy make-up and has fake boobs. I don't get it. She plays emotional games with guys and is all nice and sweet for the first month they are dating, then "I send 'em on a roller coaster to hell." A lot of girls hate on her, but they are just jealous. JWOWW has a boyfriend, but she's going to the Jersey Shore, bitches.

RONNIE: He doesn't have a nickname, but I think I'm going to give him one. His nickname will now be "Hulk" because he looks like the Incredible Hulk. He's the epitome of a Meathead. He tells us not to fall in love at the Jersey Shore and that this whole Summer is about getting laid. It's kind of funny because Ronnie has such a baby face. It's like this sweet little boy head on the body of a huge meathead. He says that the bank account may be low, but you always have to make a good impression: new sneakers, fresh haircut, gym body. He packs the essentials: huge tub of gel, two bottles of cologne and a vat of protein mix for shakes.

ANGELINA: She doesn't have a nickname yet, but this Staten Island girl will soon be going by "Jolie". UGH. She tells us right away that she's the "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby." Hmmm. Is that a good thing? She says she's all natural: real boobs and a nice, fat ass. "I mean, c'mon, I'm hot." wow. If she doesn't look good, she doesn't leave the house. She doesn't go out looking for guys, they usually just come up to her. She has a boyfriend and says that this a test for them to see if he can trust her. If not, C'YA LATER! She wants to show everyone in the house what it's like "to be a real guidette."

It begins.

"A New Family"

Everyone is driving to the shore and to the new house. Vinny tells us that there's nowhere else in the world like the Jersey shore. If he's talking about the people, I completely believe him. Mike says that people will look at him and say "Oh shoot. That's the situation right there. Yeah it is." Mike arrives first and has a look around. It's definitely not as fly as the real world houses, but they decorated it nicely. All that Jersey "charm" is present. There's a huge roof with a bunch of chairs/tables and a hot tub. It wouldn't be MTV without a hot tub. Pauly D arrives next. He's super pumped to be in Jersey and claims he's never been...well, he'll fit right in! Mike (The Situation) and Pauly D decide to bunk together and "we were thinkin', we could also bunk wit a chick." And with that...in walks Sammi Sweetheart.

When Mike sees Sammi, he thinks "DAMN" and decides he's "gonna hook up wit her". Sammi thinks Pauly D and Mike are really hot. Mike is in the room with Sammi and Pauly D and he's tryin' to convince Sammi to bunk with them. He says "'cuz I'm chill, he's chill and you seem chill" Sammi: "I'm real chill." Done. Sammi is bunking with the guys. Vinny comes in next. He is impressed with the guidos but he says that he expected hotter than Sammi. Oh, really? Hmmm. He's gotta figure out where he's going to bunk. There are two rooms for two people in each and a single left. Vinny puts his stuff in one of the double rooms but he might move it depending on who walks in next.

It's Jenni "JWOW". Vinny says all he sees are fake boobs and black hair with blonde streaks and he knows she's gonna be high maintenance, so he runs and moves his stuff into the single room. Nicole "Snooki" comes flying in next and it's hugs for everyone. Mike says she was like a spray-painted "miniature chihuahua". heh. She comes in asking if everyone's drinking and demands a shot. Next to arrive is Ronnie. Nicole says that she's totally attracted to Ronnie - "he's sexy, he's got muscles, he's a total guido." I can't figure Ronnie out. He looks like such a sweet boy, but he then when he opens his mouth, he talks about women melting in their pants when they see him and having a stripper pole in the middle of the room. It seems so weird.

They are all eager with anticipation to see who will arrive last. When Angelina walks in, she's carrying her stuff in garbage backs. Pauly D says: "In walks this girl with garbage bags. It's like ghetto and weird. What? You can't find a suitcase nowhere? No one in your family has a suitcase you can borrow?" I'll admit, for someone who's so entitled like Angelina, it does seem a little "ghetto" to carry your shit around in a garbage bag. THEN, Danny walks in. He's the owner of this party pad and he'll also be their boss for the summer. I guess they are living there in exchange for working in his T-Shirt shop. Danny gives them the lowdown on working for him...he says it'll be selling T-shirts, stocking them, cleaning, etc. Pauly D says he hopes it's not hard work because "I don't even wanna work. I'm a F-ing DJ." Apparently DJs do not work.

Danny takes off and the housemates are drinking! Nicole "Snookie" is taking many shots and is DRUNK. She tells all the roommates that she loves them. All the other roommates are laughing at how drunk she is. She is on the hot mess express for sure! She goes up to the roof and lays down on one of the futons while ranting about getting dissed by the Jersey guys in the house. Oh jeez. The rest of the roommates go up stairs to continue the party. Nicole interviews that she's used to being the center of attention and at this house, she's not. So it's hard for her. I can only imagine. She's being a drama queen and laying on the futon while the others do shots.

The boys all get into the hot tub and Nicole decides to join them. She's in her bra and thong underwear. Yikes. Vinny keeps calling her "Snickers" and it's cracking me up. Nicole is totally rubbing up against each of the guys and kissing their chests. Angelina and Sammi are sitting on a couch laughing at the trainwreck that is Nicole. Angelina tells Sammi "What is she doing, this girl?" and interviews "How do you go into a f-ing jacuzzi with a thong and a bra? Wear a thong bikini. That's a little more classier if you're gonna wear anything at all. You know what I mean." Jenni JWOW joins the hot tub mess and seems a lot more sober than Nicole which isn't hard to do because Nicole is WASTED. Nicole swims up and tries to make out with Jenni. Jenni looks away as the boys all holla. They all get out of the jacuzzi and the boys can't believe how drunk Nicole is. One of them says that she lives up to the Jersey slut name. Cut to Nicole slipping down the stairs. Ooooh. That's gonna leave a mark.

Nicole passes out in a hammock upstairs and the rest of roommates take off to check out the nightlife. (I've always wanted a hammock.) The roomies are playing carnival games while Nicole wakes up and stumbles around the house looking for them. The house has a "duck" phone - it's basically a phone that looks like a duck and quacks when it's "ringing". It starts quacking and Nicole can't figure out what the hell it is. She realizes it's a phone and decides to call her dad. The receiver of this phone also has a button at the bottom that hangs it up. So when you talk on the phone, you need to be careful not to let your chin hang it up. As soon as her dad answers, Nicole accidentally hangs up the phone, but can't figure out that she did it. She calls him back and they connect, but then she gets another call and the caller is harassing her. So she hangs up and then hangs up on her dad. She does not understand the phone. She hangs up and Jennie's boyfriend calls. Nicole tells him to hold on and then puts the receiver down, which hangs up the phone. HAHA. This is getting ridiculous. Are people really this clueless?

Angelina interviews that she thinks Mike is going to try to hook up with Sammi. She doesn't get why he would want Sammi over her. Jealous much? Ronnie interviews that Mike likes Sammi. Sammi and Mike are holding hands as the group walks through the boardwalk. Meanwhile, Nicole is still hanging up on Jenni's boyfriend. HAHA. She gets on the phone again as everyone walks through the door. Nicole tells Jenni that her boyfriend called and all the guys start hollering because she didn't say anything about having a boyfriend. Vinny says that she's a shady bitch. Really? Is it that bad? It's not like she's been making out with any of youse. (I'm starting to get into this whole Jersey culture).

Nicole wakes up the next morning and tells everyone she feels like ass. No kidding. She can't remember what she did last night...if that's true, it's a good thing. Unfortunately, MTV taped it and you, along with thousands of viewers, will get to see what you did last night. Nicole goes into the bathroom and asks Jenni to hold her hair while she throws up. WTF?? Jenni says hell no and walks out of the bathroom. The rest of the roomies are waiting to leave for orientation at the T-shirt shop while Nicole is throwing up in the bathroom. They decide that they can't be late and take off and leave her at home.

The T-shirt store is like the ones you see at Venice Beach. Huge space full of any kind of T-shirt a tourist could want. Danny notices that someone is missing right away. Nicole finally makes it out of the house and she's whining because she can't find the right T-shirt shop. In her defense, I can only imagine that there are dozens of these T-shirt shops on the boardwalk. She finds the right one and Danny takes her outside to talk. [Sidenote - WTF is up with her hair. It's super long and straight around her face. The she clips some of it back in a huge POOF on top of her head. She looks ridiculous.] Danny lectures her about being on time and she apologizes. He's going to let today slide, but next time, she's fired and out of the house. Yikes.

Nicole walks in the house and she immediately demands to know what's wrong and why is everyone acting weird towards her. They all placate her and then Sammi asks why she was late and what she was doing. Nicole just says she was in the bathroom. Sammi says she thought Nicole was "vomiting your brains out" and "I don't want your puke-y breath on me." GROSS. Sammi interviews that she doesn't want anything to do with Nicole: "I don't have time for stupid bimbos." Nicole is feeling left out. She feels like all the others got to bond while she was drunk the night before.

Sammi and Mike are cooking dinner. Pauly D enlightens us that "Girls are sposed to cook and guys are sposed to eat." BUT, Mike did his thing and cooked up some sausage and peppers. They had sausage and peppers, some chicken, some burgers and salad. They all sat at the table and Mike informs the group that "The Situation sits at the head of the table." Oh jeez. Vinny says that they decide to say a prayer like any traditional Italian family would and he cannot get through it. He starts the prayer and then busts out laughing. Jenni is pissed and interviews "If you're gonna say Grace, then say Grace." She doesn't want to hear people laughing. I'd listen to her guys, she looks like she would cut a bitch. Nicole is still feeling stupid and that everyone has this wrong impression of her so she decides to say something. Nicole: "I want to apologize to all of you if I acted like a f-ing [incoherent, but also bleeped so I'm not sure] last night, if I offended you or you got the wrong impression of me. I'm honestly, like, the sweetest girl. I get along with everybody. I just wanna have fun." They all clap and Sammi says that she really appreciated the apology. It's all good!

Mike, Ronnie and Pauly D are on the roof "fishing" for girls. Pauly D explains that they are so high on the roof that the girls walking by are like fishes and they are just fishing for chicks. They find some takers and tell the girls to come up to their place. They decide to meet them on the street in front of the house and Pauly D tells the boys that "our girls are gonna get heated" - referring to the girls in the house. Ronnie interviews that Mike and Sammi are interested in each other and "you can't bring girls into this house when you're vibin' with a chick. That's just gonna cause massive amounts of problems." The guys meet the girls and invite them up to the jacuzzi. The girls say they don't have bikinis, but the guys tell them it's not a problem. They go up and the girls go in their bras and thongs. Ewwww.

Meanwhile, Sammi and Angelina are discussing whether or not to go up there. I can understand why Sammi wants to go up. She wants to see if Mike hooks up with any of the girls. But, Angelina? Why do you want to go up? To see the guys hook up with skanks and then bitch at them?? They try to get Ronnie to come up and he says no because they are just going to start trouble. He tells them to "let them get their s*** in and that's it." Ronnie is trying to get them not to go up because it's gonna cause tension. Sammi says it won't and she and Angelina head up. Bad idea.

Sammi and Angelina arrive and Mike's getting nervous because he sees Sammi. I think Angelina is pissed because none of the guys want her. Ronnie walks upstairs with a bunch of cold beers for everyone and is shaking his head. The "skanky hos" in the jacuzzi are taking off their thongs and bras. Angelina says she had so much respect for the boys until this jacuzzi mess. She didn't think they were gonna be "typical Jersey whore guys." The boys try to recruit Ronnie, but he says he's not playing this game. One of the "skanky hos" tells him it's not a game and that it's "real life". Wow. Genius. Mike keeps eyeing Sammi and she notices. She tells Angelina "Mike's sh**ing his pants right now." She's right. He is. Mike interviews that Sammi is on "stalker mode" and Angelina is telling her "I told you so. I told you so. I told you about him." Ewww. Thongs are now coming off. Angelina wants to know how these girls can meet these guys and take off their underwear. I don't want to judge...but it is a little trashy to get naked in a hot tub with 3 random guys when you're being filmed (and not getting paid).

Pauly D dares one of the girls to kiss Mike "The Situation". Mike keeps looking over at Sammi and she's looking at him like "what are you doing?" So Mike develops a conscience and gets out of the jacuzzi. Sammi tries to pretend like she's not happy that he got out for her and tells him to do his thing. WHATEVER. You and Angelina sat there whispering and judging and giving Mike the evil eye, so he does what you wanted him to and got out of the jacuzzi....and now you are complaining?!?! Dumb. Angelina looks at Mike and Sammi and she is seething with jealousy. She can't believe Mike got out for Sammi. Angelina interviews "You're not 'The Situation', like, you're no situation. Don't bring the girls in the first place if you like someone else." I see her point. Mike says that Sammi is backing off right now, but "The Situation has got in all under control". Sammi and Angelina go back in the house and Mike gets back in the jacuzzi. Oh dang!

Sammi and Angelina go in the house and let Jenni know what's going on. The girls in the jacuzzi ask the guys to go back to their house and the guys are trying to decide what to do. Mike interviews "'The Situation' is going to be indescribable. You can't even describe the situation that you're about to get into the situation." WTF? Sammi and Angelina are telling Jenni that the girls are all 20 and Pauly is 29!! Angelina interviews that it makes the guys look like "typical jerk offs". Jenni comes in from having a smoke (I assume from the smoker's voice she's got going on) and tells the guys not to disrespect the girls - the girls aren't "going out and grabbing 3 d-----bags off the street and bringing 'em back here." Vinny is incredulous "This is the Jersey Shore. What do you expect us to do? Play with each other the whole time?"

Jenni interviews that she can't believe a 29 year old would make out with 3 20 year olds. Really? I can totally believe it. The girls from the jacuzzi are downstairs and wondering where the guys are. One of the girls walks in the front door and Angelina, Sammi and Jenni tell her to get out. Angelina tells them to close the door and "don't let it hit you on the ass on the way out." So the girls close the door and yell "Bitches!" as they leave. Angelina gets up and yells at them from the door "we don't slam doors in this house. All the whores, shut up!" You tell 'em, Angie!

Meanwhile, Nicole has been lying in her bed playing with her split ends and feeling sorry for herself. Her narcissistic self is convinced that all the yelling about "skanks" "hos" and "sluts" is about HER.

Angelina and Ronnie get into it because he can't understand why the girls are creating drama. He can't understand why they went up there to watch in the first place. He has a point. Angelina tells him maybe they should bring some respectable girls to the house, with class, not these trashy skanks. Um, you're at the Jersey shore...good luck finding those "respectable girls with class". The following fight occurs:

Ronnie: How do you judge who's classy or not?
Angelina: Um...HELLO?? Are you f-ing STUPID?? They're taking their underwear off in the F-ing jacuzzi. Are you dumb? That's classy? NO. Shut up.
Ronnie: Don't tell me to shut up. This is my f-ing house, too.
Angelina: Close your mouth, then.
Ronnie: I can open my mouth when I wanna f-ing open my f-ing mouth. This is why I told the guys not to bring those girls into the house. I knew you were all gonna bitch.

He's right. But this all comes down to Sammi and Mike. Yes, Angelina (or Jolie as the guys are now calling her) and Ronnie are fighting about Mike telling Sammi he liked her and then bringing skanks into the house. Mike and Sammi are feeling a little uncomfortable because other people are having a fight about them. Weird. Mike interviews that he feels a little weird because he was vibin' with Sammi and now he doesn't know. Angelina tells Mike (directly) that he shouldn't say he likes someone and then bring home skanks. Mike wants to know why everyone is linking him to Sammi when nothing has happened and they are just roommates right now. Ronnie: "Because your head is so far up her ass, you can see out her f-ing mouth, bro." HAHAHAH!!! Called out by the meathead! Awesome.

Jennie chimes in and tells Mike that he shouldn't bring dirty girls home. Mike says that he didn't. Jennie asks Vinny if Mike put his lips on another girl. Mike and Sammi are looking at one another and Mike is shaking his head and mouthing "no". Vinny shakes his head and says "Yes". Ok, I think Vinny meant to SAY no and nod. Dumbass. Mike gets pissed and denies kissing any of the girls. They didn't film him kissing anyone. So who knows?

Mike says that he and Sammi were vibing but he doesn't know what's going on now. He doesn't care because he says he can have his choice of anyone at the shore...except Sammi if she disses you. "Don't hate the player, hate the game, baby."

Nicole is packing. She insists that she's leaving tomorrow. She calls her dad and tells him that she got wasted on the first night and now feels isolated from the others and wants to come home. He tells her to stick with it. She goes in her room and starts packing. Ronnie comes in and asks her what she's doing and she says she's leaving. The girls come in and try to talk her out of leaving. I think it's awesome that she thinks they were all talking about her when they were talking about the skanks. Heh. It's not always about YOU, Snooki! She's being ignored and she doesn't know how to deal with that. So, she's going home...or is she? We'll find out in Part 2, Episode 2.