The Hills, Season 6, SERIES FINALE

"All Good Things..."

The girls are all talking about where they are in their lives. They are all so young. Enjoy it, ladies!! It doesn't last forever.

The boys are golfing and having a good time. Brody tells them that he and Kristin are still friends despite his new flame.

LO & SHE-PRATT

She-Pratt says that she's enjoying time with Greasy but they aren't "official" yet. He asked her to come to his Super cross event but it's two hours away and thinks that may be too much. Lo tells her to go and that she needs to put herself out there. That did it! She-Pratt is convinced and decides to go. Lo talks to She-Pratt about her "rule" again and She-Pratt convinces her to break it. Done and done. Wow. These girls are easy.

KRISTIN

Kristin and Bartender Stacie have a heart to heart. Kristin says that she's feeling a little depressed because everyone's life is changing for the better except for hers. She tells Bartender Stacie that she's thinking of moving to Europe because she needs a change. WTF? I don't think Kristin can speak English well and now she wants to move to Europe? Well, I suppose she could go to London.

Bartender Stacie thinks it's a crazy idea.

SHE-PRATT

She-Pratt is in Corona, CA watching the Super Cross race. She and Greasy talk afterward and he's actually kind of cute. She-Pratt lays it on thick and tells him how sweet he is and how "manly" he is, so he asks where they stand. They both agree that they don't want to see other people. Then She-Pratt seals it by saying "I'm glad I came out here today. I came out to Corona and got a boyfriend. WOW." Done and done.

KRISTIN

Kristin tells Brody that she's moving to Europe for a little while. I love how vague that is. It's totally not thought out at all. She's moving to "Europe" as if it's this small city somewhere. Maybe no one told her. "Europe" is a whole continent of countries, sister. Maybe you want to narrow it down a bit. She tells him that she's having a "going away" party, but he doesn't want to see her leave so he's not sure that he'll be able to make it.

HERMOSA BEACH, CA

How the hell do these girls get such fabulous digs??? Seriously. Does the show really pay that much? Audrina's new house is on the Strand in Hermosa Beach which means it's about $3-4 Million. Even if she's renting, it's gotta be like $6K/mo. It's amazing. She-Pratt is checking out the place and then tells Audrina that Greasy asked her to be his girlfriend. Well, that's not exactly how it happened, but whatever. She has a boyfriend.

She-Pratt asks if Audrina is going to the party for Kristin and she's not really feeling it. She says she needs to pack and doesn't really feel like partying. They both comment how they are all growing up and how weird that is. To be 23 again.

KRISTIN

It's Kristin's party and the gang - minus Audrina and Brody - is all there! Kristin gets a little annoyed with all the PDA around her; Lo and Scott; She-Pratt and Greasy. Brody shows up and ... I think I may have missed something. She-Pratt tells her to go talk to him and Lo says she shouldn't because he hurt her. Kristin decides to go talk to him. WTF? What happened? I'm confused. More closure? He is not interested in you and has a girlfriend!! Why is that hard to understand?

OK, this scene is ridiculous. Brody apologizes for being a jerk and not understanding how much Kristin liked him when they were "benefiting" one another. He asks her not to leave because he'll really miss her. Then, they both CRY! WTF? Drama.

MANHATTAN BEACH, CA

Lo is moving into Scott's place in Manhattan Beach. Scott gets sappy and tells Lo that she's perfect and it takes a long time to find the right person and he's found her! He also tells her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and that he'd marry her right now. Well, then why doesn't he propose??? Seriously. I'm not kidding. If Lo is "the one," where's the ring? Apparently, his profession of love is enough for Lo.

KRISTIN

Ok, if Kristin is "moving" to Europe, then why only ONE suitcase and why is she leaving her house completely furnished?? Is Bartender Stacie staying there? Is it a furnished house that she was renting? WTF? I don't get it.

As she's walking to the car, Brody pulls up. He tells her that if he knew dating someone else would cause Kristin to leave the country, he never would have started dating someone new. I bet that makes Avril feel awesome. This is way over-dramatic. It's not like Kristin is moving away forever. They are saying good-bye like they'll never see each other again. Drama.

As Kristin drives away, they do a montage of all the characters from the beginning of the series.

THEN .... the scenery moves behind Brody and we see that they are on a studio lot. Which now has sparked speculation that the entire series was fake. I don't believe that. I think they did it as a funny joke on all the people who say the whole thing is scripted.

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 10

"Welcome to the Jungle"

The gang arrives in Costa Rica. Stephanie comments that it's so romantic and "beach-y". Audrina concurs and then talks about how weird it is for Justin to be there. I totally agree, btw. I think it's weird that all of these people are together. Frankie, Charlie and Brody - I totally get. Kristin and Bartender Stacie - I totally get. Audrina, Stephanie and Justin - WTF? AND, where's that other dude's wife??? They just got married last season.

Bartender Stacie and Kristin are lying in the water at Santa Teresa Beach in Costa Rica and I could not be MORE JEALOUS right now. It looks amazing and I totally want to be there. Kristin is curious who is going to hook up on this trip. They think that Justin and Audrina could hook up because he's always been that "one guy" for Audrina that always seems to pull her back in. Kristin is delusional and says that she doesn't have that "one guy" but Bartender Stacie snaps her back to reality and reminds her about Brody. Then, Bartender Stacie plants a seed by saying how careful Kristin always is to not flirt with other guys around Brody even though Brody is always bringing other chicks around. Hmmm. True. Kristin agrees that she is always very "respectful" around Brody. Way to pat yourself on the back, Kristin. Something tells me that will all change during this trip. :) Bartender Stacie agrees.

BAR in COSTA

For some insane reason, Kristin and Stacie the Bartender are lying on the bar while everyone else is on a stool. Perhaps they ran out of stools - or K & S are just super obnoxious. I vote for the latter. Anyhoo, they all do shots of something blue and delicious! Frankie is speaking in Spanish with the bartender, Will. Kristin loudly says "that's hot" - to Will speaking in Spanish, not Frankie. Poor Frankie. No one wants to hook up with him. What's that all about? He's not ugly.

Kristin is DRUNK. She tells Brody that she thinks Will is hot and Brody tells her to go for it and that he's looking for chicks, too. She looks at him and says "Oh really?" and he says "You know I love you. You're like my little sister." Oh dang. You don't ever want the guy you're sleeping with to tell you that he thinks of you like a little sister. Not cool. Ever.

Oh, I guess Will speaks English as well. Lucky break for Kristin - not that it would make a difference. Brody says he doesn't care and Justin walks away - grabbing Audrina's ass as he walks by. Nice.

Kristin, Bartender Stacie and the other guy who got married last season - Taylor - are all swimming in the pool. Kristin bitches that Brody says he thinks of her like a sister. I understand that Kristin is drunk and that causes people to blow things out of proportion. BUT, if a guy I was sleeping with told me he loved me like a sister, I'd be pissed and we would not sleep together again. I see her point. Ok, Taylor has always been Team Kristin for Brody. He has always wanted them to be together. So, it's not a surprise that he continues to lobby for the two of them to Kristin. He and Bartender Stacie are trying to convince Kristin that Brody is the one for her.

Kristin gets out of the water and decides she's over Brody. Well, she's going to say that she is and flirt with Will to make Brody jealous because she totally still loves him. She goes back to the bar and asks Will if she's going to see him later. He says yes and tells her to meet him at the night club later. Done and done.

DAY & NIGHT BEACH CLUB

The gang is at the club and Will and Kristin decide to go dance in the rain. The girls join them and they are dancing in the rain. Brody looks annoyed, but he's dumb. Dancing in the rain is so much fun. I did a bit of that on a trip to Cancun in my 20's. It was AWESOME.

NEXT DAY

Stephanie and Audrina come over to Kristin and Bartender Stacie's room. Stephanie says she feels like she's on Survivor because of all the trees and spiders on their way to Kristin's room. Oy vey. Bartender Stacie tells Kristin she has a date with the "Bartender" tonight. Don't hate, Stacie. You're a Bartender, too...or you WERE. Kristin creates a diversion and asks Audrina if she's going to join her in poor decision making and hook up with Justin. Audrina feels like she doesn't know him anymore and that he's acting strange. They decide to go eat and see a crab walking across the room. As they walk to breakfast, they see monkeys in the trees. CAPUCHIN!! So awesome. I want to go to Costa Rica.

Brody, Charlie and Justin are surfing. Frankie and Taylor are on the beach and comment on how much better Justin is at surfing than Brody and Charlie put together. HAHA.

Audrina, Bartender Stacie and Kristin go to a different beach and take surfing lessons. SO FUN!! I did that in Maui with my sister and it was amazing. So much fun. Did I mention how jealous I am that they are in Costa Rica?

FLORBLANCA RESORT

The gang is having dinner at the resort. Will (the bartender) is joining them and tells Kristin that the resort is a honeymoon spot. Kristin says she really likes the "vibe" here. Ugh. Brody is annoyed with Kristin's overt flirting with Will. Justin tells Audrina that he feels a little weird about things with her because of her baggage. She says she doesn't have any baggage and he lies that he didn't know that. Whatever. Everyone told him that she broke up with Ryan Cabrera. Justin just doesn't know how to act. Audrina says that they are just friends and Justin's response is "whatever it is, it is. Whatever it will be, it will be." Wow. So deep, Justin. (insert eyeroll here).

They have moved to the bar now and Brody expresses concern for Kristin because he doesn't want her to get hurt by Will. He also reminds her that she's like his little sister and doesn't want her to get hurt. Bad move, Brody. He continues down the bad decision path and they all toast to their last night to Costa Rica. Brody can't leave it alone so he toasts to "sisters that I've slept with" which totally pisses Kristin off. She grabs Will and walks down to the beach with him to make out and do dirty things. You blew it, Brody.

NEXT DAY

The girls talk about going to the waterfall today and Kristin asks Stephanie if she's going to be ok. Stephanie acts offended and insists she loves nature, but then freaks out when Audrina blows a leaf out of her hair. HAHA. Then, as she sits there listening to Kristin talk about her night with Will, something falls down her back and she jumps up and freaks out again. HAHA.

The gang takes a hike to see some waterfalls and they tell Stephanie not to scream if she sees a spider. She says that she's more concerned about Cheetahs and Gorillas now that they are "in the jungle." haha. They find the waterfall and Brody gives Steph props for doing a great job on the hike. They all jump in the water and swim and it looks so fun!!

Time to go home!! Kristin rubs her fling with Will in Brody's face again and ... he STILL doesn't care. Justin and Audrina comment that Costa Rica is a romantic place and not really a "group" vacation spot. He asks if she'd come back and she says "not with you." Ouch.

See you next week.

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 9

"Break-up to Make-up"

THE GIRLS

Lo, Stephanie, Audrina and Kristin meet for lunch. I guess Kristin forgave Stephanie for "allegedly" spreading those drug rumors about her. Interesting. Anyhow, they chat about Audrina and Ryan Cabrera. Audrina is so over it, but she can't cut the cord so she continues to drag Ryan Cabrera along. She so obviously wants to hook up with Justin again, but refuses to admit it. The convo switches to Audrina's upcoming birthday. She's not sure how to celebrate, but Stephanie suggests they get a boat and have a party on the boat. They agree to invite all the usual suspects. Audrina says "NO RYAN" and when asked about Justin, she pretends to not be sure. Oh she so wants him there.

GIRLS MINUS AUDRINA

Lo, Kristin and Stephanie go shopping for Audrina's bday present. Kristin asks if they should invite Justin to her party. Lo says that he never comes when he's invited, so Kristin is going to invite him. He's totally going to come.

BEACH

Frankie, Brody and Taylor are hanging on the beach. Brody says that McKaela is nuts for hanging with Allie Lutz. Brody is over it. BUT, she's still hot, so she can "still be in the rotation."

CLUB

Everyone is out at the club and Kristin and Brody have their flirt on. McKaela shows up WITH ALLIE LUTZ AGAIN. Geez. That girl never learns. Are there seriously only 2 clubs in LA?? McKaela tells Allie to stay away from them, but she walks over to Kristin. They fight about the break-in to Brody's house thing AGAIN!! They argue and Allie finally gets up and walks away. WHY DOES SHE BOTHER?? Allie needs to just stay away. LA is huge. It can't be that hard. Kristin gets pissed and leaves.

SMASHBOX

Kristin comes by Smashbox to meet Lo for lunch. McKaela is at her desk and she and Kristin exchange words. I understand that McKaela is trying to be nice, but Kristin isn't having it and tells her to stay away from her. They bicker and Lo finally ends it and she and Kristin head to lunch.

RYAN CABRERA'S HOUSE

Audrina comes over to see Ryan Cabrera and they have some wine. It's weird because she's acting totally normal. Then he asks about what happened at his show. She stutters and stumbles through her words, but FINALLY breaks it off. It's sad. I'm not a big Ryan Cabrera fan, but he clearly likes her and she's so not into him. :(

JUSTIN/KRISTIN

HAHAHA!!! OMG. Kristin is wearing a sleeveless jean vest and Justin shows up in a sleeveless flannel. HAHA! Justin comments that they are matching. Is the cut-off sleeveless jean vest in?? I'm sorry, but sometimes what's "trendy" or "in fashion" is totally UGLY! I think it's funny that these wannabes just wear whatever is "trendy" even if it looks stupid. Dumb girls. Anyway, Kristin tells Justin that Audrina and Ryan Cabrera broke up and invites him to Audrina's bday party. He says he might stop by.

KRISTIN'S HOUSE

Audrina tells Kristin that it's officially over between him and Ryan Cabrera. Kristin tells her that she invited Justin to Audrina's party.

AUDRINA'S BIRTHDAY

Everyone shows up - including Justin - and they set sail on the boat. It's pretty uneventful. They have bday cupcakes for Audrina. The boys tell everyone that they are going to Costa Rica and invite the girls. Audrina and Justin talk on the boat and she says she's doing ok and that she's learned a lot from Justin and Ryan Cabrera. I actually think Justin is happy just being friends with Audrina and I think Audrina wants more.

See you next week!

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 8

"Between a Rocker and a Hard Place"

AUDRINA

Lo, Stephanie and Audrina are at Audrina's place hanging out and talking about the upcoming week's events. Audrina tells the girls that she stopped by Justin's bike shop to "check out a bike." Lo and Audrina think it's time for her to tell Ryan. Stephanie disagrees since there's nothing going on according to Audrina.

KRISTIN

Brody and Kristin are having lunch and Kristin tells him about her meeting with McKaela. She tells him that McKaela can't understand what people have against Allie Lutz. Then she tells him that McKaela said that Brody wanted to be in a relationship with her not Kristin. Brody, of course, denies it.

McKAELA

Allie Lutz (I haven't thought of a nickname for this one, yet) and McKaela meet up for lunch. Allie tells McKaela that nothing Kristin or any of the other girls say is true. It's all just rumors. McKaela says that there are a lot of rumors and they sound pretty real and Allie just tells her to believe what she wants. Allie says that it all dates back to high school and that it's all unfounded and Brody invited her over. She claims she didn't break in. I'm not sure. She doesn't seem very believable.

LES DEUX

Kristin and Stacie the Bartender show up. Stephanie and Lo are inside as Ryan Cabrera and Audrina show up. Justin comes in with Charlie and Frankie gives Ryan Cabrera the heads up. Justin says hi to everyone and Stacie the Bartender tells Kristin that Justin looks HOT! UGH. I swear Justin smells. Justin tells Brody that Audrina seems happy and that he really hopes Ryan Cabrera is treating her well. Ryan Cabrera tells Audrina he doesn't want to deal with any of this "stupid shit" and asks if they're leaving anytime soon. UGH. He's so annoying. Audrina obviously wants to stay with her friends, but Ryan Cabrera is done with Les Deux, so they leave. OMG. Justin tries to shake Ryan Cabrera's hand, but Ryan Cabrera is a d-bag and says that he only "gives hi-fives." STUPID. What an ass.

AUDRINA

Kristin and Audrina go lay out at the W Hotel in LA. Really? Do people do that? Just go lay out at some random hotel? Ugh. They talk about how "weird" last night was with Ryan Cabrera and Justin. Ok, can we just talk about how "weird" it is that Kristin and Audrina are bonding??? WTF?? Kristin is telling Audrina that maybe Justin is jealous and wants to win her back?? WHAT? This group of friends is so incestuous. It's totally bizarre.

STEPHANIE

Stephanie is making dinner for her date, Max. Ok, if you invite a guy over for dinner and want to impress him, are you really going to make spaghetti? Dumb. Although, he did bring over Thin Mints for dessert which is kind of lame. She offers him a drink and apologizes for not having any alcohol. She tells Max about her rift with Sponge Bob and it gets awkward.

AUDRINA

Ryan Cabrera shows up at Audrina's house and they talk about his show the next night. Justin comes up and Ryan Cabrera tells Audrina that he doesn't want to have to worry about Justin and Audrina while he goes "on the road" FOR TWO WEEKS! HAHA. OK, I'm not sure what happens next because I'm distracted by the ridiculous "heart" tattoo on his inner wrist with "strings"(??) attached to it. It looks like something I've doodled in my notebooks in school. WTF? Lame.

KIIS FM WANGO TANGO FESTIVAL

The gang is all here to watch Ryan Cabrera perform his new songs. Yippee? Stephanie asks how Audrina and Ryan Cabrera are doing while he plays a love song in the background. Audrina just starts crying. Audrina rushes off and tells Stephanie that it's too hard to be there. Drama.

STEPHANIE

Lo and Stephanie are grocery shopping and Stephanie fills her in on the Ryan Cabrera/Audrina drama. Lo asks about Max and Stephanie says that he's super nice, but her life is just really complicated and she doesn't think she's ready to date. Lo tells her to surround herself with people who know her drama and love her and support her anyway.

NYLON PARTY

The gang is at the party having a good time. Uh-oh. Spoke too soon. McKaela shows up ... WITH ALLIE and says hi to Brody. Brody tells her he doesn't understand why she keeps bringing Allie around. Stacie the Bartender whispers to Kristin that Brody is trying to break things off with McKaela but she's not getting it. I'm not sure that was exactly what was going on. Anyhow, Kristin gets in the conversation and just gets mean. McKaela tells her that she doesn't deserve to be treated so badly by Kristin, which is true. Allie comes to McKaela's rescue and says that "those girls" just can't handle when other pretty girls are around them. Now, Kristin is fired up. She gets into a screaming match with Allie. When it's over, Allie walks back to McKaela and McKaela doesn't understand why she went over and yelled at Kristin. McKaela is starting to see why Allie is not welcome with that group. I feel kind of bad for McKaela. I hope she learns her lesson.

Kristin thanks Brody for having her back and Brody tells her that he will always have her back. McKaela just watches them together. I'm sure she's kicking herself for letting Allie into her life. Things could've been good. Kristin and Brody leave together to enjoy the benefits of their friendship. ;)

See you next week.

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 7

"The Company You Keep"

KRISTIN

Kristin and Stacie the Bartender are getting their hair did. Stacie the Bartender comments that Audrina and Justin were chatting it up at Voyeur the other night. Kristin says that she sees Audrina with Justin more than she sees her with Ryan Cabrera. I agree. But I do think it's bizarre that Kristin is all Team Audrina since she fought with her all last season over Justin! Kristin says that she and Brody are in a good place and that she's not worried about McKaela AT ALL.

AUDRINA

Stephanie and Audrina are shopping and talk about Stephanie's birthday party. Audrina says that Ryan Cabrera is on tour so he won't be around. They talk about Justin and Stephanie tells her that she needs to keep her distance from him.

LO

McKaela and Lo are at Smashbox. Lo tells McKaela about Stephanie's birthday party. They talk about Brody. Lo tells McKaela that she feels like Brody will end up with a girl like McKaela but she's not sure he's ready for it yet.

STEPHANIE'S BIRTHDAY

The gang is all there including Holly. McKaela shows up with Allie Lutz. Audrina asks Brody what the deal is with this Allie chick. Brody says that she broke into his house. Apparently she left a ring at his house and it got stolen during a party. So she came over late one night, put in the security code and went into his room asking for the ring. Hmmm. Awkward. Allie and Kristin start yelling at each other. Kristin says that Allie broke into his house and Allie denies it. Kristin says that she was in the bed when Allie broke in!!! That shut everyone up real quick.

Lo and Brody get up to get a drink and McKaela walks up to him. She tells him that she just wants him to respect her and he says that this is all happening because she showed up with Allie Lutz. I actually feel bad for McKaela. She's new to town and doesn't know people and just picked the wrong friend. Kristin and Brody leave together.

LO

Lo and McKaela are at work at Smashbox. McKaela asks if she should talk to Brody. Lo asks why she keeps calling Brody when he's so mean to her. Then she tells her to be careful. Kristin is collecting her clothes from the night before and Brody ignores McKaela's phone call.

AUDRINA

Kristin and Audrina have lunch to talk about Stephanie's birthday. They bag on Allie Lutz for awhile. The entire time, Audrina gets text messages from Justin. Annoying ... and rude!!

McKAELA

McKaela meets up with Allie and asks her what the hell went on last night. Allie apologizes for not giving her more information or preparing her for what was going to happen. McKaela asks what they were talking about. Allie says that YEARS AGO - um, they are only 23 - Kristin told everyone that Allie broke into Brody's house which is totally false. Hmmm. McKaela says that she doesn't want enemies and she felt blindsided. Allie warns McKaela that Kristin is a hateful girl and will say anything to hurt her.

AUDRINA

Audrina meets up with Ryan Cabrera. She tells him that she has been questioning their relationship. She tells him that she knows he's going to go on tour and should do what he wants. He tells her that he loves her and doesn't want to hook up with other girls. He says that what they have is rare and true love. Yikes. Audrina does NOT agree. He's so into her and she's so obviously not into him.

KRISTIN

Kristin, Lo and Stephanie talk about Allie. Lo says that she likes McKaela a lot, but she doesn't understand her friendship with Allie. Lo keeps defending McKaela but Kristin is so smug and annoying. Lo says that Kristin should talk to her just to provide her with some closure. Yikes. Kristin is mean. I don't envy McKaela at all.

AUDRINA

Audrina comes to Justin's bike shop. I don't know why she's there. She starts talking about Ryan Cabrera to him. Playing with fire.

KRISTIN

McKaela and Kristin meet up for drinks. McKaela starts out sweet and thanks Kristin for meeting her and apologizes for bringing Allie. She didn't know they knew each other. Kristin is totally dismissive and bitchy. I really don't like Kristin at ALL! Kristin asks McKaela what is going on with her and Brody. McKaela says that nothing is going on and tells Kristin all the stuff that Brody said to her. Kristin tells McKaela to wake up! Brody was trying to sleep with her. She tells her that guys in LA will always try to take advantage of sweet girls like her. Well, her delivery needs work, but the message is true. McKaela is naive. Kristin tells McKaela that if she keeps bringing Allie around, there are going to be problems. Kristin gets up and takes off.

See you next week!

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 6

"Ghost from the Past"

KRISTIN

Stacie the Bartender comes over to visit Kristin so their DOGS can have a playdate. Dumb. Because these girls are defined by their relationships with men, Stacie asks if Kristin has been "hanging out" with any boys lately. They decide to go out in Venice because they don't want to run into Brody and Kristin says there are "cute boys" there.

LO

Lo and McKaela meet up for lunch. Lo and McKaela air hug because they are "Kappas for life!" SQUEAL!! McKaela is curious about the Brody/Kristin situation and Lo just tells her to have fun with Brody and be nice to Kristin.

KRISTIN

Stacie the Bartender and Kristin go to Nikki's in Venice Beach on their "manhunt." Maybe I've been out of LA too long, but when someone asks where you're from, do people in LA really respond with what suburb they live in?? Some guys ask Stacie the Bartender and Kristin where they are from and they say "Hollywood." That seems really obnoxious to me. When I'm out in SF, I've never responded to "where are you from?" with my neighborhood. UGH.

BRODY

McKaela tells Brody - over dinner - that she met up with Lo and she told her about Smashbox Studios which is where Lo works. Ahhh...so BRODY recommended that McKaela meet up with Lo. Well, she is the most sane girl out of the bunch and the only one with no history or romantic ties to Brody. Smart move, Brody. I think McKaela is really cute. They look super cute together. I still think she's the brunette, brown-eyed version of Lauren. McKaela tells Brody she doesn't want to deal with any girl drama, particularly with his ex, Kristin. Brody tells her that it's a part of life, but she doesn't have to be best friends with Kristin. This is so bizarre. I agree with McKaela. Why is Brody still hanging out with Kristin?? He only wants her around to keep his options open. This is dumb.

KRISTIN

Some guy walks up to Kristin and asks her if she's a fan of the movie "Can't Hardly Wait." I "can't hardly wait" to see where he's going with this. Well, we won't find out because Stacie the Bartender tells him it was nice to meet him but he needs to go now. HA. They are disappointed with the selection in the bar and they are both looking around eagerly for a "cute boy."

AUDRINA

Audrina and Stephanie are at "Anya Hindmarch" shopping for handbags. Audrina says that Ryan Cabrera has been living with her because he sold his house and was shopping for a new one. He's finally found one but he's still around ALL DAY. Audrina tells Stephanie that it's too much togetherness. I hear you. I don't think I could be with someone ALL DAY/ALL NIGHT for a long period of time. That's cool for A WEEK. It's been too long so she's excited he's moving out this weekend. But tonight, she invites Stephanie and Lo to the Viper Room to see some bands. Stephanie is down...should be fun!

LO

McKaela comes to Smashbox to see Lo and come in for an internship interview that Lo set up for her. She does great and is asked to return tomorrow at 9am to help out on a photo shoot. WOO HOO!

KRISTIN

Kristin is working out with her trainer. Stacie the Bartender shows up and they talk about how badly their manhunt in Venice went. But Stacie the Bartender tells Kristin that she can't give up just because she had one bad night or because "friends with benefits" didn't work out with Brody. Kristin can't believe Brody hasn't reached out to apologize or tell her she was right. How rude!

THE VIPER ROOM

Audrina, Stephanie and Lo arrive at the Viper Room to check out a British band called Purple Melon. The three of them are sitting and having drinks when Audrina starts to get uncomfortable and says she feels like she should leave. Lo and Stephanie don't understand and Audrina says that Justin's band is on stage and going to perform next. Stephanie: "Justin is in a BAND?!" Lo: "I always thought that was a joke." AHAHAHAHA. The name of his band is Ed Stanley and Justin is the drummer. Weird. The whole thing ... the name, justin, all of it ... weird. Audrina says that he gets shy and puts his hair in his face when he plays. Lo: "Like a muppet!" AHAHA. The band starts playing and Lo comments to Stephanie "I don't think I've ever seen Justin so passionate about anything."

By the end of his set, Justin has no hat, no shirt and he's a sweaty mess. Audrina says hi and Justin is really friendly and nice. She walks over to Lo and Stephanie and people start chanting "Ed Stanley" and Lo decides it's time to go. HA! I think Audrina has a renewed interest in Drummer Justin!

AUDRINA

Audrina goes to see Ryan Cabrera and his new house. It's pretty swank. How the hell can he afford a nice house in LA?? Seriously?? I really want to know. He had ONE hit song YEARS ago, but somehow he still has money to buy a nice house?? WTF? She tells him she went to the Viper Room but fails to mention running into Justin. Apparently Ryan Cabrera is going on tour - if you can call 4 shows "going on tour" - and Audrina thinks it's a good thing so she can reconnect with all of her friends.

LO

McKaela and Lo are at the Smashbox photo shoot and Lo asks how things are with Brody. McKaela still isn't cool with the whole Kristin situation. Lo just tells her to be observant and, if something doesn't feel right, it's probably not right. Good advice.

VOYEUR

Stacie the Bartender and Kristin gave up on Venice and are back in Hollywood. Audrina and Stephanie come out and join them on their MANHUNT. HAHA! Brody shows up and Kristin tells him she can't believe he didn't call or text her. He told her he was giving her time to cool off. Kristin says he owes her an apology and he says sorry ... but keeps explaining. Kristin tells him to just say he's sorry and let it go. Good call. Kristin and Brody say they love each other - as friends of course - and who should walk in ... JUSTIN. He comes in and sits next to Audrina. Since she and Brody have patched things up, Kristin isn't jealous or angry ... yet.

Audrina and Justin talk and he calls Ryan Cabrera "Spike" - HAHAHA!! That's awesome. As much as I love referring to him as Ryan Cabrera, I may have to adopt "Spike" as his new nickname. I love it. She tells Justin she can't talk to Justin about Spike but they both tell each other that they're happy.

Kristin asks Brody about his "girlfriend" McKaela and Brody says that she kept bringing up Kristin the last time they hung out and asked if she had to worry about Kristin. Kristin says "yes, she does." They laugh and then they go home together...probably to enjoy some benefits of their friendship. Meanwhile, Justin and Audrina flirt in the club.

See you next week!

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 5

"A New Bird"

KRISTIN

Brody and Kristin are having dinner and drinks. Kristin brings up Audrina (again!!) and tells Brody how happy she is with Ryan Cabrera. Brody says that Ryan Cabrera is growing on him and he thinks he's pretty cool for a has-been one-hit wonder. :) Brody wants to make it clear that he and Kristin can date other people because he knows that Kristin is a chick and wants a relationship even though she tells him she LOVES being single. He tells Kristin that he has a date and Kristin pretends to be cool with it. Oh jeez...here we go.

AUDRINA

Ryan Cabrera and Audrina are hanging out at her place. She tells him that her friends are planning night out and she tells him to come and give her friends another chance. Ryan Cabrera doesn't want the "drama" and thinks he's too cool for school and declines the invitation. He tells Audrina he'll be waiting at home in his "candy thong reading 'Catcher in the Rye'." Oh Ryan Cabrera, you are NO Holden Caulfield.

SHE-PRATT/LO

She-Pratt tells Lo that she's ready for a relationship. She says that she's doing the AA thing and feeling good about saying 'Sayonara" to the Pratts, so she's ready now. Lo tells her that her bf, Scott, has a friend, Max, who would be PERFECT. Then She-Pratt backpedals and says that guys are going to think she's weird because she's 23 and SOBER. Lo is awesome and says that any guy who thinks it's "weird" or freaks out because she doesn't drink is NOT the guy for her.

KRISTIN/AUDRINA

The new bff's are drinking screw top white wine and eating popcorn. Of course, the convo turns to Brody. UGH. New material, please, writers. Kristin tells Audrina that they aren't together but they have added benefits to their friend status. Audrina tells her to be careful because Brody is a FLIRT and will make you feel super special one minute and then be with someone else the next minute. Kristin decides that it would be a great idea to call Brody...right now. While she has company. Good idea, Kristin. Brody ignores her call because he is with someone and it's RUDE TO GET ON THE PHONE WHEN YOU ARE HANGING OUT WITH SOMEONE. Jeez. Kristin needs some serious cellphone etiquette. Kristin bitches that Brody's phone went straight to voicemail for the THIRD time today. YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND. Why is this so hard to understand?? This is why girls get such a bad rap for being psycho. He could not have been clearer about the fact that he's dating and doesn't want a girlfriend. Ugh.

BRODY

Meanwhile, Brody is on a date with McKaela who spells her name wrong. I hate it when people don't know how to spell their names. It's M-I-C-H-A-E-L-A...or something like that. I don't know, it's not my name. But I DO know that it's certainly not spelled McKaela. Anyhow, she is seriously Lauren Conrad's brunette, brown-eyed doppelganger. She looks like a dark version of LC. Well, Brody certainly has a type. :) Brody tells McKaela that Kristin - his ex girlfriend - was calling him and that they are good friends. McKaela looks skeptical and they toast to meeting new people. Then Brody calls her McKenna. I'm serious. I listened to it several times. Does he really not know her name? They flirt a little more and then take off together to do dirty things, I'm sure.

BRODY

Charlie and Brody are playing some golf and talking about chicks. Brody tells Charlie that he told Kristin about McKaela and she got all quiet. Charlie tells him that the girls are a hard group to infiltrate so he hopes McKaela can handle it. Brody says he's not keeping her away just because the girls are tough on new people. Brody asks why guys can't just hook up with their friends and date other people. Charlie says you can and it's called "casual dating." I agree, Charlie. Unfortunately, it never works. If you're straight with the girl, she'll tell you to your face that she "totally agrees" but then get super jealous and pissed. If you don't have the convo with the girl, you're a douchebag if you date other girls because the assumption is that you're exclusive - even though the girl would never admit that. It's a no-win situation. You just have to be a dick and hook up and not call and jam out of there in the morning.

SHE-PRATT/AUDRINA

It may be time to let She-Pratt be Stephanie. I'm not quite ready to make that leap just yet, but maybe next time. She's certainly improved since past seasons. She and Audrina are having some tea and chit chat. Audrina has convinced Ryan Cabrera to come out tonight with everyone and She-Pratt says she's glad Ryan Cabrera let her come over to visit. I guess Audrina has been spending every waking minute with her new bf and has been MIA. She-Pratt tells her that Lo is setting her up on a date with one of Scott's friends. Even though she went on and on to Lo about how ready she was to date, she tells Audrina that she's totally not ready. She's insecure about being sober at 23 AND about her estrangement with her crazy brother and his plastic wife. Get over it already. I'd be more worried about being a drunk who hangs out with the Pratts. She tells Audrina that Max is a professional lacrosse player with Scott, but she doesn't really know what that is. Oy!

JANE'S HOUSE (club)

The gang shows up at the club and Brody and McKaela are hanging out. The girls are all confused because they thought Brody and Kristin were together. UGH. Now, while I think the girls are being dumb and making way too much of everything, I also think Brody is an instigator. He loves the drama and totally brings it on! He's all over McKaela and holds her hand. Then when Kristin and Stacie the Bartender come in, he makes a LOUD comment to Kristin about not being very sincere when she says hello to McKaela. WTF? I think both were wrong at this outing. Grow up, people. Kristin goes over to the girls and they are all huddled and talking shit about Brody. So, Brody gets up and he and McKaela leave...but not without calling Kristin out for not being nice to McKaela. Awkward. Kristin gets defensive and the scene is just embarrassing to watch.

KRISTIN

Kristin bitches the next day to Stacie the Bartender. Stacie the Bartender actually makes some good points and tells Kristin that she shouldn't be surprised. She knew what she was getting into with Brody. But then she tells Kristin to talk to Brody. Um, what? I don't know about that.

SHE-PRATT/LO

She-Pratt is getting ready for the double date and she has some AMAZING shoes!! I wants her closet. The boys arrive and Lo lets them in. Max is adorable. She-Pratt walks out and has a total short circuit. Scott asks her if she's been to the W in Westwood and she just stares straight ahead. Weird-o. She snaps back and then acts like they are the ones who are being weird. Great first impression, She-Pratt. Can I just comment on the fashion in this scene for a moment? Lo and She-Pratt are dressed like they are about to attend a premiere. They have dresses on and look amazing. Their shoes are at least 4 inches high and their hair and make-up is completely done. Scott, Lo's bf, is wearing a flannel shirt (circa 1992) and jeans. And Max is wearing a T-shirt and a V-neck sweater (not bad) with a HOODIE! I shit you not. WTF? I mean, really? That's the best you could do?

They arrive at their table at the W and everyone orders an adult beverage and She-Pratt orders a Coke and ... wait for it ... nothing happens. No one freaks out or acts weird. I have to admit, even though I love Lo, in this scene, she's annoying. We get it. It's a set up. But you don't have to constantly remind them that you're setting them up. It's just weird. Lo and Scott are staring at Max and She-Pratt and making comments about how perfect they are together. Ew. It's weird. Lo excuses herself to the ladies' room and She-Pratt joins her. She-Pratt says that she likes Max and thinks he's super cute. BUT she wishes he was older. WTF? He's 24 and you are 23, She-Pratt. I'm so glad I didn't switch back to "Stephanie" yet. She's totally being a She-Pratt right now. Lo tells her to get over herself and forget about his stupid age.

After dinner, they walk outside and Max offers She-Pratt his ... HOODIE. Then he asks her if she wants to do this again without Lo and Scott. She says yes and gives him her digits. Cute. :)

KRISTIN

Kristin comes over to Brody's place to bitch at him and flip out. She starts in and Brody says that he's allowed to like whoever he wants and he likes McKaela and he likes Kristin. Kristin tells him that he has to choose because she's not going to wait around forever. Brody and I are both confused and he says that he and Kristin are friends and he thought they had an understanding about dating other people. Yeah, so did I! Kristin tells him to shut up. Nice. Then she says something that I can actually understand. She says dating other people is one thing, but bringing that other person around and totally being all over that person in front of her is another story. It's rude and disrespectful. I agree with that. The problem is that it's going to get worse because Kristin is NOT ok with Brody dating other people but she wants to save face and won't admit that. Even though it's totally obvious. Brody just needs to remove the "benefits" and just stick to being friends with Kristin.

Kristin says she's sorry for not being nice to Brody's "new little girlfriend" and then they start talking over one another. Kristin is being crazy and defensive and Brody is insisting that McKaela is not his girlfriend. Kristin totally freaks out, yells at Brody and then storms out of his condo. Jeez. Crazy.

Brody: "We're friends, Kristin. Remember that."
Kristin: "Shut up." SLAM.

HAHAHA. See you next week.

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 4

"This is Goodbye"

SHE-PRATT/HOLLY

The sisters-in-law commiserate about Real Doll and Sponge Bob. She-Pratt says that they have completely isolated themselves and have no friends and no family. Holly just misses her sister. :(

REAL DOLL

Kristin and Real Doll meet for lunch. Real Doll looks like a porn star, which I'm guessing is the point. Kristin tells Real Doll that Sponge Bob has lost his mind and that he's scary. Kristin doesn't sugar coat it. No bullshit. But Real Doll defends her choice to stay with him because he's all she's got left. She's completely isolated herself from her friends and family. She even says "Who am I without Spencer?" Sad.

AUDRINA

Audrina visits Ryan Cabrera at the recording studio so that we remember that he used to be a singer. She tells him that she and her new bff, Kristin, want to set up a party with everyone at Wonderland. Ryan Cabrera thinks that won't be so fun for him and decides to pass. Loser.

WONDERLAND

Brody and his boys are there with Kristin, She-Pratt and Audrina. Brody pulls Audrina aside to chat about stuff. She cuts him off and tells him that she just repaired her friendship with Kristin and doesn't want to ruin that AND she has a boyfriend. Brody is disappointed and Kristin stares at them with a pathetic scared look. Don't worry, Kristin. Audrina just blew him off, so you can be Brody's sloppy seconds now. Sponge Bob and Charlie show up and shock everyone! Kristin tries to say hello, but Sponge Bob just ignores her.

Brody talks to Sponge Bob and tells him that he misses hanging out with him. He tells Sponge Bob to come hang with the boys more often. Brody tells him that he can tell Sponge Bob isn't happy in his life right now. The whole time, Sponge Bob is on the verge of tears. I swear Sponge Bob is on some serious drugs. He is not normal. Brody calls Audrina over to him and Sponge Bob and she walks over and asks Sponge Bob where Real Doll is. Sponge Bob: "You are the lamest f-ing girl in this club right now." WTF? Audrina just walks away. He has seriously lost it.

Brody gets in Sponge Bob's face and tells him he's crazy. Sponge Bob has tears rolling down his face and tells Brody to walk away. Then he announces that people don't know how dangerous he is. LOCO!

SHE-PRATT/AUDRINA

Audrina says that Real Doll called her and Kristin and wants to meet them for lunch because she needs to talk to someone. They both discuss how awful Sponge Bob look and how angry he has gotten. Audrina says that something is very wrong and hopefully, Real Doll will talk to her about it at lunch.

KRISTIN/AUDRINA

They meet up and talk about Sponge Bob going nuts on everyone at Wonderland. Kristin says that he's just so extreme lately and that he's gone off the deep end. She also tells Audrina that she met with Real Doll recently and she's off in Spencerland.

Real Doll walks in and Audrina immediately brings up Wonderland and says that Sponge Bob owes her an apology. Real Doll defends him repeatedly while Kristin and Audrina bring up more examples of his craziness. Then Real Doll says "all guys are a little controlling and you if don't think that, you're wrong." Um, that is SO not true. In fact, I know many women who are the ones in control in their relationships. Real Doll goes on to say that they don't know her and Sponge Bob didn't change her, she changed herself. She says that she doesn't have time or energy and that's why she's cut people off. Eek.

VOYEUR

The gang is partying it up. Lo and Stacie the Bartender are with the group this time. AND...wait for it ... the Pratts walk in!! They ignore everyone and sit down. Kristin sits with Real Doll and Real Doll is showing her the "genius" crystal which opens your mind and makes you smart. Clearly that one isn't working. Everyone comments how strange and creepy Real Doll and Sponge Bob are. Sponge Bob tells Kristin that he doesn't let Real Doll watch TV or go on the Internet or read magazines. She can only read books. Real Doll needs a serious intervention ... wait, I don't really care about Real Doll. Nevermind, let them be crazy and alone. Kristin and Brody have enough and leave.

KRISTIN

Brody and Kristin obviously slept together and she's in her kitchen making them coffee. Brody walks out in one of her T-shirts. They discuss how drunk they both were and then go back to bed. Nice.

LATER THAT AFTERNOON AT KRISTIN'S

Audrina, Kristin, Lo, She-Pratt and Holly all get together and talk about what to do about the Pratts. She-Pratt gets defensive and thinks Real Doll is manipulative and Holly feels defensive
and thinks Sponge Bob is the controlling one. Bottom line - neither of them is the victim. They are both insane. Everyone agrees that they have no one but themselves anymore. She-Pratt starts and says that she's cutting them out of her life. Kristin and Audrina feel they've done all they can and they are cutting the Pratts out, too. Lo concurs. They all look at Holly and she starts crying because Real Doll is her baby sister and she was there when Real Doll was born. It's the greatest loss for her. She-Pratt and Sponge Bob never really got along and he's always kind of been a jerk to her. The other three are just friends. But Holly is losing her only sister and her best friend. It's incredibly sad.

See you next time.

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 3

"The Elephant in the Room"

KRISTIN

Kristin and Brody are hanging out on the beach. Sponge Bob and Real Doll are throwing a birthday party for their neighbor, little Enzo. They comment on how weird it is that Real Doll is throwing their 6 year old neighbor a party. Yeah, that's really weird. Kristin brings up Audrina and Brody gets quiet. She tells him that she thinks Audrina and Ryan Cabrera are more serious than they let on. Brody is not happy to hear that and Kristin is a little bummed that he's disappointed. Wah-wah.

REAL DOLL

Real Doll is planning Enzo's 7th birthday with the party planner, Lisa, and talks to her about having animals and wizards. Sponge Bob - who I may need to rename later on - asks Real Doll what is going on. She tells him that she's planning Enzo's party and Sponge Bob says that he thought it was something small, not something that required a party planner. Then Real Doll says that she's sure Sponge Bob's mom threw him big parties when he was a little boy. Sponge Bob says the only smart thing this season: "Key word is MOM! His mom lives down the street." Seriously. WTF is Real Doll doing?

BRODY

Brody, Frankie and Taylor are at some auto shop drooling over Brody's new car. Well, it's a classic, but I'm not sure what model/year. Taylor comments that Kristin will look great in the passenger seat and Brody says "been there, done that." He loves Kristin but he's not interested.

LUCKY STRIKE, LA

It's time to go bowling. Brody, Frankie, Charlie, Audrina, Ryan Cabrera, Kristin, and, of course, Stacie the Bartender are all bowling. Audrina and Ryan Cabrera talk about how Brody has a crush on her. Ryan Cabrera is clearly uncomfortable around Brody, so they leave. I can't tell if Kristin is annoyed that they left or not. Weird.

THE PRATTS

HOLY OUT OF CONTROL PARTY! Ok, Real Doll is nuts. She went way overboard with this kid's birthday. HE'S NOT YOUR SON!!! I'd be worried if I was his mother. Creepy. She's got a bounce house, goats, food, clowns and A FREAKING ELEPHANT. I'm not even kidding. She and Enzo are riding an elephant IN HER BACK YARD. I apologize for all the yelling, I'm just totally in shock right now. This is ridiculous. I'm thoroughly convinced that Sponge Bob and Real Doll are on some serious drugs. This is not normal behavior. Brody, Taylor, Charlie and Frankie are standing around tripping on the fact that there is an elephant in the yard. HAHA. Me too!

AUDRINA & KRISTIN

These ladies are bff now, I guess. They are shoe shopping and chatting. Kristin asks Audrina what the deal is with her and Ryan Cabrera. Audrina tells her that she felt an instant connection with him and that it was just natural. Kristin encourages Audrina to lock it down and have "the talk" with him and hopefully, he will commit to her. Kristin just wants to eliminate Audrina as competition for her with Brody. Then they discuss whether or not to attend Enzo's party. They think Sponge Bob has lost it and there's nothing they can do. They can't reach out to Real Doll because Sponge Bob controls her and is always around.

THE PRATTS

Wow. Sponge Bob has LOST HIS SHIT. First he says that this is the most fun he's had at a party in a long time because he doesn't want to murder anyone. Then he says he's going to send some kid who is shooting a toy gun out to Colorado to shoot Real Doll's mom because she "emotionally raped" Real Doll when she went out to visit. I cannot believe Real Doll is just sitting there while Sponge Bob goes on his rant. He's insane and she's so heavily medicated. These two are headed to a really dark place ... and soon.

Real Doll steps in and says that her mom was totally selfish and not concerned about Real Doll at all. Holly jumps in and says that their mom was concerned and loves Real Doll and was just taken off guard by all that was done. Sponge Bob jumps in and tells Holly that if she continues to defend "Darlene," he's going to ask her to leave. He seriously has lost his shit. Real Doll keeps telling him to take a breath. But Sponge Bob needs to take a tranquilizer. I don't think "a breath" is going to cut it. Frankie and Brody are embarrassed and look horrified at Sponge Bob. Holly comments that she needs a drink. Sponge Bob looks like he's about to go postal on someone. And Real Doll has lost the ability to have an expression.

AUDRINA

Audrina and Ryan Cabrera are having dinner. He tells her that he feels weird about Brody and the way he acts towards him. Ryan Cabrera doesn't want any drama. She asks Ryan Cabrera if they are exclusive and he asks her if she thought that they weren't. She said she kind of knew it already. Ryan Cabrera tells her that the moment they started hanging out, he didn't even want to look at another girl. She tells him that she is really happy and they hug and kiss. As much as I can't stand Ryan Cabrera, I'm actually glad Audrina is finally happy with a guy. (Notice that I'm not calling her Ceiling Eyes anymore. If she starts going back to being a dumbass, the nickname will return).

KRISTIN

She meets up with Brody for drinks. He gives her a recap of Enzo's birthday party and how awkward it was and how crazy Sponge Bob was. It's weird that Brody and Kristin introduced Real Doll and Sponge Bob. And now look at them....they got married and turned psycho. Kristin asks Brody if he hooked up with Audrina. Then she immediately says that she doesn't care. Which is a lie. She obviously cares or she wouldn't ask. Then Brody says "Ryan Cabrera? Really?" Which was my initial reaction. But now that I've seen them together and how happy they are, I've accepted it. I still think his head is almost as big as Audrina's torso, but whatever makes her happy. It's not like he's rich or anything, so she must actually like him. Not my type, but like I said, whatever makes her happy.

THE PRATTS

Holly is visiting with Real Doll. Real Doll asks if Holly is ok and Holly tells her that she was shocked by some of the things Sponge Bob was saying at the party. Before Real Doll can answer, Sponge Bob comes into the room and interrupts them. Real Doll looks so sedated and has no expression whatsoever. Holly thinks that she can talk calmly with Sponge Bob like an adult and that he will be able to remain calm. She is wrong. She begins by saying that she thought he had enough respect for her by now to refrain from speaking negatively about her mom in front of her. Sponge Bob takes a deep breath and tells her he was proud of himself for not saying and doing what he really wanted to do to Holly at the party. He was praying - like he does everyday - that he would not do what he really wanted to do. Yikes. Way to threaten your sister-in-law.

Sponge Bob says that their mom is just the "vagina that they came out of" and nothing more. Holly yells that he's disrespectful and the bible says to honor thy mother and father. So he should practice what he preaches. Sponge Bob says that he's not in bible school and Holly says that they are always preaching to her, so they should take their own advice. Sponge Bob loses it and tells Holly that she's not Real Doll's sister or friend. He tells her she's a LIAR and then walks out of the house and slams the door. Real Doll is shouting at him to calm down and that he's out of line. When he leaves Holly starts crying and tells Real Doll that she's scared of him and that he's always around and she doesn't even have Real Doll's number. The entire time, Real Doll has NO EXPRESSION. She says she doesn't want to deal with this anymore. As I look at Real Doll, I'm noticing that her eyes are kind of messed up. Like one eye is bigger than the other. There's something off about her eyes.

As Holly leaves the house, Sponge Bob yells "Just so we're clear, you're not welcome here anymore. Next time, I'll call the police." CRAZY. He's on some serious drugs. Real Doll is just sedated and on pain meds and has no expressions anymore. Sponge is just doing some serious prescription pills. He's lost it.

THIS JUST IN: Further evidence that the Pratts are the king and queen of Crazytown, USA: Real Doll called the cops on her MOTHER when she came to their home unannounced today!!!

The HIlls, Season 6, Episode 2

"Rumor Has It"

KRISTIN

Kristin goes to Ceiling Eyes' house to talk to her because apparently they're friends now. Weird. Kristin says she's throwing a party and Ceiling Eyes asks if she can bring her lame, fame-whore boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera, to the party. Kristin gets into the real reason she came by. She wants to know if Ceiling Eyes knows who started the drug rumors about her. Ceiling Eyes doesn't know if it was Lo or She-Pratt or anyone else. Kristin says she needs to confront She-Pratt.

SHE-PRATT/LO

She-Pratt and Lo are driving in She-Pratt's BMW X5 talking shit about Kristin. Lo says she just got a message that Kristin has been doing drugs and partied all night in Miami. Lo asks She-Pratt if she thinks someone who uses drugs recreationally - but A LOT - has a problem. She-Pratt says ABSOLUTELY. I guess Lo and She-Pratt got invited to Kristin's party and they are excited to see Real Doll. Right now, I'm not sure who is talking to the press about Kristin. I'm pretty confident that Kristin is using drugs and I think (maybe) She-Pratt has been talking to the press. But maybe it's not her. The bottom line is that Kristin has a problem and needs help.

THE PRATTS

Sponge Bob and Real Doll are having lunch. Real Doll is excited to go to the party and show off her 3.0 body. Dumb. They aren't going to be jealous, Real Doll. They will feel sorry for you like the rest of the world does. Sponge Bob doesn't know what he's going to do if She-Pratt is there. He hasn't spoken to her since her DUI because that was the "last straw". Seriously, Sponge Bob? You know what they say about people who live in glass houses. And your house is ALL GLASS, Sponge Bob. Real Doll thinks he should make amends with She-Pratt because she thinks that at least one of them should have some relationship with their family. Sad.

THE DIME

This is the bar where "Stacie the Bartender" works. OMG. She's been promoted. She's now "Kristin's friend." HAHA. Sorry, she'll always be Stacie the Bartender to me. Kristin comes to visit and tells her "friend" that she has a gut feeling that She-Pratt is the one spreading all the rumors. Stacie the Bartender says that it wasn't Lo because she's too "scared" to say anything. Or maybe Lo just minds her own business. Jeez. Way to bag on the girl who is NOT talking shit because she's "too scared" to talk shit. Dumb. They are way pissed that She-Pratt may be spreading the rumors. I don't know. I'm getting that "thou doth protest too much" feeling about Kristin. She's so angry about the rumors, but maybe it's because they are true. I feel like if they weren't true, she'd just deny it and say "that's stupid. Of course I'm not on drugs." But she's not saying that. It's almost like she's pissed her business is out there...not a "rumor."

BRODY

Frankie and Brody shoot some hoops and catch up. Brody tells him that he's going to Kristin's party. Frankie asks if he's excited to see Ceiling Eyes and what he'll do if she brings her bf, "Ryan Cabrera". Brody says that it's great that they're together because they can share clothes (specifically, jeans) and hair gel. Ha. Frankie tells Brody that he heard some rumors about Kristin and her drug problem. Brody gets pissed and says that She-Pratt is spreading the rumors. Then they speculate on whether Real Doll with be there with "the twins." They agree that she better look damn good after 10 surgeries. HAHA.

KRISTIN'S PARTY

Everyone gathers for Kristin's party. Brody shows up and Ryan Cabrera walks up to him to say hello and Brody just disses him. I guess the two have a history. I'm not sure why. If anyone knows why, put it in the comments below. I'm dying to know what this "feud" is about. The Pratts enter and everyone is kind of snickering. It's a backyard, casual party and Real Doll is wearing the tightest peachy-orange strapless dress she could squeeze her melons into. Ridiculous. Sponge Bob gives Kristin the world's largest crystal as a housewarming gift. Weird. Ceiling Eyes asks Real Doll if she's done with surgery. Real Doll says that she wants bigger boobs because she ultimately wants them to be size "H" for "Heidi". Are people really this stupid? I don't think I'm even acquainted with anyone as stupid as this girl.

Sponge Bob is wearing all of his crystals and a shitload of bracelets and rings. WTF is going on with these people? Kristin tells Real Doll about all the drug rumors and Real Doll can't believe anyone would spread that stuff. Real Doll: "That's like, dirty." Oh, you mean like spreading a rumor that your best friend has a sex tape with her ex-boyfriend? You mean, dirty like that? Oh. Ok.

She-Pratt and Lo show up and Brody tells Sponge Bob that his sister has arrived. She-Pratt and Lo go sit with Stacie the Bartender. Kristin walks up and asks them if they've said anything that's NOT TRUE about her to the press. Lo and She-Pratt deny it and Kristin is clearly just focused on She-Pratt. She lies and says that people are telling her it's She-Pratt who is spreading the rumors. She-Pratt says that she never saw Kristin partying because she wasn't with her and that Kristin should ask the people with whom she was partying if they said anything. Kristin says that she doesn't believe She-Pratt and walks away. Awkward.

Holly, Real Doll's sister, arrives and Real Doll gives her a "surgery hug" which is basically an air-hug because Real Doll is all fragile and shit. Holly refuses to say hi to Sponge Bob and he's glad he didn't have to "waste one breath" on her. What a douche-bag. Seriously. Gross.

Kristin goes into the kitchen with Brody and tells him that she confronted She-Pratt and she denied it. Brody is such an instigator. He tells Kristin that they were jealous in Miami because she was out having fun and they were sitting around in the hotel room. Um, not exactly. Do you seriously think if they wanted to go out, they couldn't have? Shut up, Brody. Brody says that he KNOWS it was She-Pratt. Really? How do you know? I don't like She-Pratt, but I like Kristin even less. I hate that she's making me stick up for She-Pratt right now.

She-Pratt goes over to say hello and good-bye to Sponge Bob and Real Doll and Sponge Bob is a total asshole. She-Pratt starts crying and Sponge Bob just mocks her for crying. She just walks away and Real Doll actually looks embarrassed for the way Sponge Bob is acting. She should be. He's an embarrassment. She-Pratt is crying outside to Ceiling Eyes and Lo and they tell her that Sponge Bob is going crazy and they don't know what's wrong with him. I'm with them. Sponge Bob is seriously mentally unstable. She-Pratt and Sponge Bob are the reason people should not spoil their kids. They grew up totally spoiled and now one is a bulimic with 2 DUI's and the other is a lunatic obsessed with crystals and married to a "Real Doll." Yikes.

Meanwhile, Sponge Bob is screaming about how She-Pratt is not relevant to his life and Kristin, Holly and Brody are looking at him like he's having some sort of seizure.

LO/SHE-PRATT

She-Pratt and Lo talk about how crazy Sponge Bob is. Agreed. Then She-Pratt says that Kristin wants to meet with her and she doesn't understand why she's accusing "them." I think she's just accusing you, She-Pratt. Lo says that there were a million people in Miami that weekend and she shouldn't accuse them just because they had the balls to say it to her face "as a friend." I don't know. She-Pratt looks guilty. Lo just tells her to talk to Kristin and put it to rest.

CHARLIE'S HOUSE

Hmmm. Charlie? OH, Sponge Bob's friend. Sponge Bob comes in taking deep breaths. Charlie asks him what's up and Sponge Bob asks him if he wants to see what's keeping him grounded. Then, Sponge Bob pulls out a feather. I shit you not. A FEATHER. Charlie takes it and makes fun of him. "It's a seagull feather from Pacific Palisades. It's like bird flu, dude." AWESOME. Sponge Bob just goes crazy saying how he was minding his own business and his crazy sister came up and started crying at him. Sponge Bob is freaking out. Charlie tells him to chill out (Charlie is totally stoned by the way). Sponge Bob tells Charlie that he's so chill and doesn't get it and Charlie tells Sponge Bob that he's so crazy and it just makes him angry all the time. Good point...for a stoner. Sponge Bob says that his life is perfect until She-Pratt and Holly show up and ruin everything.

Charlie asks him what he's going to do, just build huge walls around his house so no one can come in? I think Charlie might be the smartest one in the whole group. Sponge Bob responds that he's just trying to keep it in his crystals. Charlie tells him that the crystals aren't working because he's hyperventilating and red-faced. HAHA. Charlie might be my favorite person on this show. Sponge Bob knows they're not working which is why there are hundreds on him right now. Oh good LORD. Sponge Bob has seriously lost his marbles. Charlie tells him to take them all off and look in the mirror. Then he says "You're crazy. You lost it." as Sponge Bob holds a huge crystal to his forehead. I'm not kidding....I might LOVE Charlie.

KRISTIN

Kristin meets She-Pratt for a drink to "talk." She-Pratt sits down and it's awkward for a minute and then she tells Kristin that she doesn't want this whole "Miami" thing to keep dragging on. Kristin tells her she doesn't need an apology, she just wants She-Pratt to stop spreading rumors about her. It blows up into this huge fight. She-Pratt denies spreading any rumors and Kristin basically calls her a drama queen. She-Pratt doesn't understand why Kristin is being a bitch and Kristin says that they don't need to be friends. She-Pratt asks why she can't just have a normal conversation and then she asks if Kristin is drunk. She-Pratt and Kristin go back and forth and finally She-Pratt calls her delusional and storms off.

Hmmm. Now I'm not sure. Maybe She-Pratt didn't spread the rumors. Kristin is SO DEFENSIVE. Weird.

See you next week!

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 1

"Put on a Happy Face"

She-Pratt and Lo meet for lunch. She-Pratt came straight from an AA meeting which she immediately starts bitching about. Easy fix, She-Pratt: Stop driving DRUNK. Lo asks her if she can still go out. She-Pratt assures her that she's not "grounded" so Lo tells her about "the guys" going to Miami for the Super Bowl. They asked "the girls" to come, too. Lo, Kristin and Ceiling Eyes (Audrina) are all going. She-Pratt wonders why Kristin is invited - and I am, too, quite frankly - and Lo says "She's our friend". She-Pratt and I are wondering when the hell that happened. Lo clarifies that Kristin is "trying" to be their friend. As we will see shortly...she's not trying very hard.

She-Pratt says that she hasn't seen Sponge Bob or Real Doll (Heidi) in a long time and Lo says that she has heard some things about Real Doll. Specifically, she's heard that Real Doll has a new face, "eyebrow lift, ears pinned back, nose job, chin job, boob job, butt job." HAHA...butt job. That's awesome. I love Lo. Apparently, She-Pratt didn't get the memo.

The Pratt's House

Sponge Bob doesn't think it's a good idea for Real Doll to get on a plane so soon after surgery. He also thinks that seeing her mom will upset her and she doesn't need the stress right now. Real Doll is standing firm and WILL go to Colorado. She hasn't seen her mom since the wedding and now is the time. Sponge Bob wants to go with her, but she won't even hear it. I'm with her on that one. No one needs Sponge Bob in Colorado...except the people in LA who might run into him. Heh.

I love how the cameras are not letting us see her face. The cat is out of the bag. We've all seen People magazine. It's not a "surprise" anymore.

Miami, Florida

The girls and boys are on the beach. Ceiling Eyes and Brody are jet skiing the water and She-Pratt is concerned that they will hook up. She feels like everyone - meaning, Kristin - is getting along and if Brody and Ceiling Eyes hook up, it will ruin everything. Well, if that's the case, then maybe you guys shouldn't be hanging out with Kristin. She's not your friend.

Crested Butte, Colorado

Real Doll arrives home with Holly to face her mom. They show pictures around the house of Real Doll when she was Heidi and it's so sad. She was so cute. They go in and sit on the couch and her poor mom is barely able to hold back the tears. She asks Real Doll how she is doing. Real Doll says that she's feeling a lot better. Heidi's mom asks why she's talking so softly and Real Doll says that her jaw is healing so she can't really talk. The whole time, Holly is just shaking her head. It must be so surreal. I'm SO anti plastic surgery, so it would be hard for me to hold back. I just think anyone who has plastic surgery should have therapy first because there is something not quite right with you if you need to surgically alter your looks in order to be "happy". Also, I almost died having a necessary surgical procedure so I would never ELECT to have surgery. Dumb.

Her mom asks what Real Doll had done and she gives her the list. Her mom incredulously asks "You wanted them bigger???" referring to her boobs. Real Doll says yes, but they couldn't fit the bigger ones. GOOD LORD. If this was my daughter, I would cry, too. UGH. I hope I raise secure daughters who aren't so superficial. Her mom says that Real Doll risked her life to have all this crap done and Real Doll - showing her true ignorance - says that people have brain surgery all the time....because necessary brain surgery is TOTALLY the same thing as electing to transform your face/body to look like a porn star. DUMB. Her mother basically says she's stupid for the same reason. Then Real Doll asks her mom if she looks good. Bad question. What is "good"? Her mom says that she can't really say that she preferred Real Doll when she was Heidi because there's nothing Real Doll can do about....but, that's how she feels. I agree. She may be more "conventionally attractive" and look like a model, but she looks WAY older than she is and she had more personality when she was Heidi. Now she's totally plastic.

Her mom says that when Real Doll left home, she had more confidence than anyone she knew. Real Doll reminds her mom that she used to put water balloons in her bra and always wanted bigger boobs. Stupid. Real Doll says that she wants to look like Barbie. I think Real Doll is the next cat lady. Real Doll starts crying about how she's been through so much. PLEASE. There are people starving to death and dealing with horrible diseases. You married an asshole and ruined her friendship with your best friend. Give me a fucking break. Pardon my French, but this girl is ridiculous. She keeps crying and finally says that she knows her mom is disappointed and upset, but this is what she chose and she can't take it back. That's the only thing she has said that I agree with. She can't take it back, so her mom just has to accept it. It would take EVERYTHING in me to accept Real Doll as my daughter.

Miami Beach, Florida

The girls are taking shots in the hotel room and the boys show up. PARTY!! They head out to the clubs and continue to get wasted. It's getting late and Ceiling Eyes thinks Brody is going to hook up with her so she tells She-Pratt and Lo that she wants to go NOW. They try to get Kristin to leave with them, but she's not ready to leave. So, the three girls and Brody get up and leave. When they're gone, Kristin tells Brody's friend "DRAMA, drama, drama, drama." I don't really know why she says that unless she's letting them know that she's about to create some.

The next morning, the four girls are re-hashing the night's events. I guess She-Pratt and Lo went to the room after the club and Brody and Ceiling Eyes hit another bar. Kristin tells them that she didn't get home until 5AM. Ceiling Eyes defends her and says that Miami is different than LA because they party all night in Miami. She has a point. It's like Vegas. I get it. Lo and She-Pratt are being a little judgmental. They decide that tonight, they will stay in because last night was too crazy to repeat. They ALL decide to be mellow and hang at the hotel tonight. Hmmm.

Crested Butte, Colorado

Real Doll is having dinner with her parents, Holly and her bro. They toast to "The New Heidi". Heh. Her stepdad asks her what it feels like to be this new person that she wanted to be. Heh. Real Doll says that she's much happier and totally satisfied with the results (except, of course, that she had to settle for the small DD-cup boobs). Her stepdad says that her face looks more structured and like she's "frozen" or ... Real Doll says "plastic?" and her stepdad says that he wouldn't use that word. I think it's funny that he won't say "plastic" but he had no problem calling her "frozen". HAHA. Holly chimes in and says that she used to envy Real Doll's confidence and now she's this insecure, pathetic shell of her former self. (Well, not in those words exactly, but you get the point). Real Doll says that she wanted to be happier and she couldn't fix it without being ok with how she looked on the outside. Her mom tells Real Doll that she would have liked to see her get help PSYCHOLOGICALLY before doing the surgery. Yes, that would have been the smart thing to do. Real Doll whines that it is to live in LA. Um, I lived there for EIGHT YEARS and I NEVER wanted to look like Barbie.

Real Doll and her mom start talking about how maybe she shouldn't live in LA if this is what it's doing to her. Real Doll says she doesn't want to fight about this. Her mom says that she's just having a mature conversation with a "brilliant, articulate woman". Um, who the hell is she talking to? I thought she was talking to Real Doll. My bad.

Real Doll goes to take a bite of her mashed up burger and she can barely chew it because her jaw is all fucked up. Her mom asks if she wants her to put it in a blender for her. HAHAHA. Real Doll excuses herself to cry. Dumb.

Miami Beach, Florida

She-Pratt, Lo and Ceiling Eyes are pissed because Kristin ditched them to go out. She-Pratt says that Kristin is pissed because Ceiling Eyes and Brody were flirting. Then Lo speculates that Kristin is on drugs and She-Pratt says she can't be around that right now. Cut to...Kristin and her bestie, "Stacie the Bartender" (when the hell did she get there??). They are getting WASTED again and partying like rock stars. Kristin is laughing that Lo, She-Pratt and Ceiling Eyes are texting her. She continues to drink and go nuts with Stacie the Bartender.

Next morning, She-Pratt, Lo and Ceiling Eyes walk into Kristin's room and wake her up. They have to go to the airport at 4pm so they wanted to make sure she was awake. I'm guessing it's about 3:30pm. Jeez. Two drunk hos, who are in bed with Kristin, get up quickly and get the hell out of there. I don't even think Kristin knew who they were. HA. Kristin gets up and puts on her sunglasses and starts packing up her stuff. Lo, She-Pratt and Ceiling Eyes comment about how trashed the room is and that it stinks. Gross. While Kristin gets ready, the three of them go to the next room and start talking shit about Kristin. Kristin comes out and asks if they are seriously just standing there talking shit about her. She's got a point. She may be coked out and hung over, but she's not deaf. The three musketeers stutter and say that they are worried about her. Kristin acts all defensive and Lo tells her that people are talking and saying that she's on drugs. Kristin rolls her eyes and they all start arguing. Kristin even calls She-Pratt out for saying anything considering she's on DUI #2. Good point. Lo ends it and says that they are leaving at 4pm for the airport with or without her.

Without going into any detail, I will say that I have known many people who have had problems with coke, speed, meth, etc. and Kristin definitely fits the mold. I think she's depressed and should seek professional help to deal with that or she'll be Real Doll #2 soon! That is the LAST thing the world needs.

Crested Butte, Colorado

Real Doll says good-bye to the family. Her stepdad says he's sorry it was so hard. Her mom takes her and Holly to the airport. They hug and my heart just goes out to her mom. I can't imagine how hard it is to see your child so broken and fragile.

Sad...

Until next time!!

The Hills, Season 5, Episode 520 SEASON FINALE

Last time on The Hills: JB went to Vegas to meet up with Kristin and Sponge Bob ("Spender" just wasn't doin' it for me) got suspicious.

Kristin's House, Malibu. Kristin tells BS that she doesn't want to move out of the beach house. BS says that JB should really be helping Kristin move. Kristin asks where JB is supposed to put the boxes: "on his motorcycle?" Good point. BS asks Kristin what she's going to do about JB. Kristin says that Vegas was perfect, but vacation is never the same as reality and she's been hurt too many times before. BS is still rooting for JB - I don't know why. I guess she's "that friend" who encourages you to date the loser because it makes her feel better about her own choices. I'm just guessing...I mean, why else would you encourage your friend to date JB? At least Audrina's friends were honest and repeatedly told her to dump his ass. Kristin isn't sure what to do.

OPENING CREDITS

"The Boys of Summer"

Speidi's House, Hollywood. Brody and Sponge Bob are shooting hoops outside. Sponge Bob: "There's a chance that I might be Pratt Daddy for real." HA! Pratt Daddy!! He tells Brody about Heidi's latest shenanigans and the pregnancy test he found and that Heidi might be trapping him. Brody appropriately asks "aren't these the types of things you are supposed to discuss in a marriage?" Yes, Brody, they are. But Speidi is on another planet and does not understand such rational behavior. Sponge Bob says that Heidi told him she wanted a baby and that's that. Brody says "that's not a discussion" and Sponge Bob says it's a "sperm kidnapping". Wow. I feel like I'm watching a scene from "Dumb and Dumber".

Brody tells Sponge Bob that Jayde is trying to move their relationship to the next level. Sponge Bob tells Brody that it starts with moving in, then you're engaged, then you're married and then Jayde's pregnant. Hmmm. Well, maybe not exactly in that order, but yes, Sponge Bob, that's the general idea. But people usually wait until they are ready for marriage and babies to actually get married. Sponge Bob says that he bets this time next year Brody will be engaged and Jayde will be talking about babies. Brody lays down the law. He says that if Jayde starts pressuring him to do anything he's not ready to do, he'll dump her ass. Sponge Bob says "we'll see" and Brody tells him to shut up. I don't know. Seeing Brody's track record with Jayde, I'd put my money on Sponge Bob right now and y'all know I do NOT like to take his side on anything!

Catherine Malandrino, Los Angeles. Audrina and Lo are shopping. Audrina tells Lo that she called JB because during their last conversation she was too stunned and overwhelmed to say anything. Um, he dumped you. Why would you call him? Lo knows what I'm talking about. She tells Audrina that it's over so she doesn't need to worry about it. EXACTLY. Audrina insists that she feels like she needs to meet him one last time. Why? So he can make you feel smaller and even less significant? Whatever.

Kristin's House, Malibu. JB and Kristin are hanging out on the beach and chatting. She tells him that she's going to miss her place and can't believe she's moving. JB tells her that she can come stay at his place while she's looking for a place to live. Ew. I imagine JB lives in a gross, dirty apartment with old pizza boxes and trash all over. JB tells Kristin that it's hard to find that person who is compatible with you and he has that feeling with Kristin. She tells JB that part of her wants to be with him but she thinks they should just cool it for awhile. She doesn't want a boyfriend. LIAR!! I think it's SO funny when girls use reverse psychology to get a guy to commit. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a girl say "I don't want a boyfriend" when they are dating some guy but then they constantly act like a jealous girlfriend. Girls are ridiculous sometimes. JB calls her out on her bullshit. He tells her that he's heard the same tune from her before. He hasn't flaked on her ... lately and he went to Vegas to meet her, so Kristin just needs to figure it out. With that, JB walks away.

Speidi's House. Enzo and Sponge Bob are playing Mario Kart (?) and Heidi walks in with groceries. Good Lord. She is totally dressed up. She's got a white blouse that her boobs are practically falling out of, she's wearing heels, she has a full face of make-up, her hair is totally flat-ironed and she has a purse almost as big as a suitcase....all that JUST to go grocery shopping?? Really?? The people at Safeway are lucky I put on jeans. Most of the time, I seriously consider going in my pjs. Heidi = Too Much Work. Sponge Bob asks Heidi if she stopped at the pharmacy to get "anything". Heidi says that she didn't need anything from the pharmacy. She asks him if there's a reason he's asking her this and Enzo asks if they are fighting. Heidi asks Enzo if it sounds like they are fighting and Enzo says yes. Then Heidi tells Sponge Bob if he has something to ask her then he needs to just ask her. I can't stop seeing a Blonde Cher when I look at Heidi with her hair all long and straight and with all that make up. She looks like she's wearing a wig.

Taylor's Engagement Party, Malibu. Brody's friend, Taylor, is having an engagement party and Jayde and Brody are there. Brody toasts Taylor and says that he's gone from "Sleazy-T" to "Taylor" tonight. Abbey - Taylor's fiance - and Jayde are talking and Jayde says that if Abbey and Taylor are engaged then she and Brody should at least be living together. Abbey says that maybe the engagement will light a fire under his ass. I doubt it. Why are you stirring the pot, Abbey? Meanwhile, Brody, Taylor and Frankie are all talking and Frankie says that maybe it's time for Brody to follow in Taylor's footsteps and get engaged. Brody tells Frankie not to be "retarded". I really hate it when people use that word. Brody says that he's 100% not ready to get married...not in his 20's. I think Brody is smart. He should enjoy his 20's and date different girls and really figure out who he is. Then, in his 30's, he can find the right girl and get married.

Kristin's Place. Kristin tells BS that she told JB they are DUN-ZO. BS is STUNNED. Kristin says that she's really scared of getting hurt. That's why she hasn't had a boyfriend in TWO YEARS. Kristin blames her fear on her parents being divorced. I'd say Kristin has been reading too many
"children of divorce" books, but who am I kidding? She doesn't read. Kristin says she never wants to get a divorce and that's why she can't get close to guys. She's afraid they will screw her over. BS says that when it's a good person, it'll just work. She's so wise.

Engagement Party. Brody toasts the happy couple and wishes them a happy life together. Taylor and Abbey kiss and Jayde can hardly control her envy. And...the envy is uncontrolled. She tells Brody that's it crazy how Taylor and Abbey have only been dating for two months and they are already engaged and she and Brody have been together for 1 year and a half and they are... Brody says "We're smart." I agree with Brody. I'm sure that there are couples out there who only knew each other for two months before getting married and they've been happily married for years and years. But, the odds aren't good ... particularly for a guy who - before tonight - was known as "Sleazy T". Jayde won't let it go and says she's not saying they should get engaged, but they should do SOMETHING. Oh, Jayde...this is so not the time and place for this conversation. Brody says it's a little scary that they JUST got back together and they are already talking about moving in together. Jayde totally goes in the wrong direction and says "You're the one who screwed up and I've forgiven you. Like, you should be happy that I'm even talking to you about this right now." WTF? Who is this girl? Really? Brody, just dump her ass and move on.
Brody tells Jayde that this isn't the time/place to be talking about moving in together. Agreed. AWKWARD. (Is that spelled right? It looks wrong to me. Weird.)

Some Pier in LA. Audrina meets JB. This is not going to end well for her. She tells JB that she's not there to fight with him. It's just that the last time they talked he said a bunch of things. JB tells Audrina that he never meant to hurt her. Audrina says that she doesn't think she can be friends with JB. He doesn't react, so she tells him that she feels like this is the last conversation they will have. JB says "Then it's the last conversation we have. If you want to be young about it, then be young about it. You gotta remember, you're the one who said 'get out of my life'." Audrina: "You didn't get out of my life." JB: "I definitely tried." Ouch. Audrina is hurt and angry and yells "You're so selfish. You're selfish. You're self-centered. All you care about is yourself." JB says that she never looks at herself. Maybe she just wasn't the one. Then he says that he didn't want to hurt her. Audrina says that he did hurt her for all those years. JB says they wouldn't see eachother for 4-5 months at a time and then see eachother ONCE. Audrina says that's not true and that he keeps going around telling people they were never together. JB: "We weren't, Audrina." OUCH. That had to sting.

Audrina tells JB, if he's going to be incapable of loving somebody, it's like he's missing out on life. He's going to be a lonely old man. This is so painful to watch. He's not incapable of loving SOMEBODY, he just didn't love you, Audrina. That sucks for her, but it's true. It's a harsh reality and it's hard to believe that the guy who didn't love you just didn't love YOU, but he may love someone else. Audrina tells him that she hopes that he does love somebody because then he may actually feel something. Oh Audrina, just stop. You are embarrassing yourself. Seriously, just walk away. With that, Audrina wishes him the best and walks away. FINALLY. Now, Audrina, did that make you feel BETTER? I hope so because it made you look worse.

Speidi's House. Sponge Bob calls Heidi to the living room to "talk". They sit and Sponge Bob tells her that he found a pregnancy test in the trash. Sponge Bob asks if she's pregnant and Heidi says that she was hoping she was but Sponge Bob's wishes came true and she's not. Sponge Bob asks how their marriage got to this point. Heidi says that Sponge Bob said that he never wanted kids and shot it down. Sponge Bob says that he had always said he would NEVER get married and here he is married. So saying he never wants kids doesn't have much "juice". He tells Heidi that they will have a baby when they're ready to have a baby. Heidi says "That's a big thing to hear. That's a big change." Sponge Bob tells Heidi that he needs to be whatever his wife is about and that he's right there with her. This should have been the conversation in the very beginning. Why do these people need all the drama and power trips to get to this point??

Brody's Condo, Hollywood. Brody is talking to Frankie and Taylor and he tells them that he's been thinking a lot about himself and Jayde and that her pressuring him to move in together at Taylor's engagement party was the last straw. He's done with Jayde. Frankie hi-fives Brody and Taylor says it's for the best. Yikes...seriously, this is all going to backfire when Brody gets back together with Jayde. See, Brody is feeling cocky right now because Kristin was giving him some attention while he and Jayde were on a break and she and JB were on a break. So now Brody is feeling like he has options and he's ready to throw Jayde to the curb. But as soon as Kristin moves on with JB, Brody will be out of options and go crawling back to Jayde. Frankie and Taylor are recapping Brody's past relationships and then Brody drops the bomb: He may still have feelings for Kristin. Taylor thinks that's good because he thinks Kristin is good for Brody.

Kristin's Place. Kristin is packing and JB comes over. JB says he's been riding around thinking about him and Kristin. Kristin suggests they sit outside and talk. JB tells Kristin that he didn't like the feeling he had when he left her place last time and for some reason, he can't let this go. He tells Kristin that Audrina told him that he was going to end up a lonely old man if he doesn't go after what he believes in and he believes in this so here he is. JB tells Kristin that he wants to have fun with her, do things with her, and laugh with her. Kristin agrees but she wants to know how she can trust him. JB says that all he can give her is his word. Kristin says that in order for them to work they need to give it 100%...no lying, complete honesty and really try. They agree to give it a shot and kiss. Then Kristin asks if he's her boyfriend and JB says "That's a stacked question" and kisses her more. BUT DOESN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!

THE END.

The Hills, Season 5, Episode 519

The holidays completely conflicted with my reality viewing schedule. My apologies for the delay.

Last time on The Hills: Brody and Jayde got back together. Kristin and BS went to Vegas. Speidi still sucks.

Las Vegas, NV. Kristin and BS drive into Vegas and Kristin asks what the chances are of BS and Kristin both hooking up with someone. With these girls, I'd say the chances are pretty f-ing good. Kristin declares that their mission will be to each find a guy that they can "flirt with" all night. BS says it best "We're not here to meet Mr. Right. We're here to meet Mr. Right NOW." Heh. Vegas baby!!

OPENING CREDITS

"Mr. Right Now"

Carwash in LA. Charlie and Spender are getting Spender's car washed and Charlie is talking about how he was all over Hollywood last night. Spender says that he had the best night of his married life last night. He tells Charlie about the dinner Heidi made in her negligee. He tells Charlie that this is what marriage is all about. Charlie - being a little more suspicious than Spender - says that it sounds like the black widow spinning her web before the big kill. Spender looks shocked and confused. Charlie says that Heidi might have some ulterior motives. I think Charlie is onto something. Spender asks what her motive could be and Charlie says "getting pregnant." Spender swears that Heidi is on the pill because he sees the pills. Charlie says that Spender needs to make sure she's actually taking them and watch her swallow because she might be hiding them under her tongue and throwing them out. Spender naively says that Heidi would never do something like that. Hmmm. Never say never.

Charlie says that there are tests to figure out if she's trying to get pregnant. He tells Spender to see if she's still drinking alcohol or take her out for sushi/shellfish and see if she eats it. I see where you're going with this, Chuck, but I think you only stop doing those things if you actually ARE pregnant, not if you're just trying to get pregnant. I could be wrong, but... Then Charlie says that there are things Heidi will probably start doing after sex to increase her chances. Spender is shocked. Charlie tells him to "you tube" it. Spender says life was much easier when he only had to think of his car. Up rolls the General Lee and Spender and Charlie drive off. Spender is such a d-bag. Case in point, the guy who washed his car pulls up and hands him the keys and Spender calls him "boss". Dumb.

Las Vegas, NV. Kristin and BS are drinking champagne in their room at the Palazzo Hotel in Vegas. Kristin is wearing a really stupid-looking black FUR vest. Dumb. They are looking through their clothes and BS says that everything she has looks like "baby clothes" - I assume because it's all 2 sizes too small. Then they compare outfits and Kristin says that whatever happens, stays between the two of them. Kristin, I believe the phrase you are looking for is "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Then, BS says "I need something that screams 'not a one-night stand, but...maybe'" Classy.

Katsuyo, Hollywood. HAHA. Spender is taking Heidi out for sushi. They sit down and Spender orders a "nice, hot saki" and Heidi tells the waiter that she'll just have sparkling water. Uh-oh. Then Spender orders tuna and Heidi says she's craving meat more than fish. Um, you're at a sushi restaurant, Heidi. The waiter says they have some grilled Kobe beef and she says "Yeah, let's get that". Spender looks like he's about ready to pass out. Heidi immediately says that she wonders what Enzo is doing. Spender says that they talk about Enzo all the time and he's not even related to them. Heh. The waiter brings them some yellowtail and Heidi says that Spender will be eating that. Then Spender proposes a toast to trust in their marriage. Heidi doesn't even flinch.

Ghostbar at The Palms, Vegas. Kristin and BS arrive and sit at a table. BS wants to go find some cute guys but Kristin reminds her that the cute guys come to them. Then...they do shots. These two guys come up to them and they are very Vegas. Actually, they look very LA to me, too. They have entirely too much product in their hair and they are wearing too many trends at once. Then, one of them says that the other "J-Rock" was a back-up dancer for Backstreet Boyz. Kristin and BS don't believe it and want him to dance for them. He does some butt popping moves and I'm noticing that the area where Kristin and BS are sitting is now full of people. They all get up and start dancing and Kristin and BS are embarrassed for everyone. They clearly aren't interested in the guys and they don't want to be associated with any of the people dancing around. Kristin goes outside and leaves BS behind with the crazies. Kristin calls JB and leaves him a message. She says that she's at a bar in Vegas and should be having the time of her life, but she's not because JB's name keeps popping in her head. Then she tells him that she made a pact with Stacie that she wouldn't call him but she is and she's putting herself out there. She hangs up and forgets she's on a reality show and thinks she's in a movie or something because she pouts her lips and looks out at the Vegas skyline forlorn and longingly. Ridiculous.

Kristin's Room, Vegas. BS walks in and asks Kristin what happened to her last night. Kristin says that she came back to the room as she eats an ice cream sundae in bed. BS asks if Kristin wants something else for breakfast and she says "Champagne". Then BS notices that the shower is running and asks Kristin if she has a guy in her room. Kristin tries to be coy and then BS asks who it is and if she should leave. Kristin says no and admits to making a booty call. Just then, JB emerges from the bathroom and BS is stunned. He goes back into the bathroom to put some clothes on. BS reprimands Kristin and asks what happened to meeting new guys in Vegas.

Vermont Hotel Bar, Los Angeles. Audrina is meeting Derek (JB's friend) for drinks. Audrina tells him that her sister is having a little boy. Then Derek asks if Audrina has talked to JB. Audrina says that she met with JB and he told her that the last 4.5 years meant NOTHING to him. Lie. Then she says that JB told her that Kristin did something to him that no one else ever has. True. Derek says that Audrina should never have to deal with that shit. Audrina agrees. Then Derek tells her that JB is in Vegas with Kristin and BS. Audrina says that JB is a d-bag and he will never change. Derek says that JB is a selfish guy. Audrina tells him that she feels like she's been on a roller coaster for the past 4.5 years. UGH! I hate it when girls play the victim. Seriously?? He told you THROUGHOUT those 4.5 years that he didn't want a girlfriend and yet, you persisted. Jeez. You teach people how to treat you and you taught JB to treat you like shit. I'm not saying he's not a d-bag, but you're idiot for letting it go on for 4.5 years. ANNOYING.

Derek asks Audrina if she's really done with JB. Audrina says that she's done and that this is the last time he'll hear her talk about JB. Derek is skeptical, but nods. I'm skeptical, too, Derek.

A Casino in Vegas. BS tells JB that she's glad that he could make it. JB looks at her suspiciously and asks "really?" Then Kristin says that it was sweet of him to come. JB says that he hopes he doesn't hear differently later. Heh! He knows these girls too well. JB asks Kristin if she thought he would come. She says she didn't think he would. Then she acts like a jealous girl and asks if JB ever drove to Vegas for Audrina. JB says he doesn't think so. That's not a "No" but I'm guessing she'll take it. Then he asks if she would do the same thing for him. Kristin says "Not if you were going back and forth between me and Audrina like you were." JB calls bullshit and says that he could say the same about her and Brody. Touche! They all do shots and decide to have a fun night!!

Rick's Cabaret, Vegas. Kristin's black fur vest has multiplied into a black fur coat. Ugh. The three of them are going to a strip club. I'm sure BS is very excited to hang out with Kristin and JB. Third wheel. Maybe they'll have a threesome ala Gossip Girl?? The girls are having a blast as is JB. Kristin announces that she wants a stripper pole and tells JB that she's going to learn to do all these things. Gross. Kristin and BS both get lap dances from the lovely ladies of Rick's Cabaret. JB is totally turned on. Gross. I'm not a prude, but this whole scene is making me uncomfortable. I think it's the players. JB and Kristin start making out and BS yells that she's feeling like a third wheel. That's because you are, BS. JB wants her to feel included so he tells Kristin and BS that they have to kiss ... and they do.

Speidi's House. Charlie comes over and Spender shows him a pregnancy test box that he found in the trash. Charlie asks if Spender did the sushi/alcohol test and Spender tells him that he was correct. You know, if this was anyone but Heidi, I'd say that Charlie and Spender are totally dumb with their suspicions. But, because Heidi is actually dumb, it actually makes those guys look smart...well, about this anyway. Spender says if Heidi is pregnant, then GAME OVER. Not sure what that means. Charlie says if she's pregnant then Spender will have 9 months to read a lot of books about being a daddy. Heh. Spender says that he will have a serious meltdown if Heidi is pregnant. Spender says that he knows if he has a kid, the kid will try to kill him. Charlie (with a straight face and actually serious) says "the whole Oedipal complex? Yeah, a lot of kids have that." haha. Charlie tells Spender to talk to Heidi and soon before they hear the pitter patter of little feet. Then Charlie says that he has a book of baby names at home if Spender wants to see it. Spender tells Charlie not to make fun and that he just wants to be depressed right now.

Palazzo Hotel, Vegas. Kristin and JB wake up and her voice is almost gone. JB asks her how she's feeling and she says a lot better than she should be feeling. Kristin tells JB that she's glad he came and that it made the trip really fun. She asks him what happens now...you know, in the "real world". She asks him if they are going to hang out when they get back. JB says "we'll just have to see when we get back." HAHA. That's not "YES"!!

See you later this week for the FINALE!!