RW/RR Challenge: The Ruins, Episode 10 SEASON FINALE

It's the finale!!

For the Challengers we have KA and Sarah.

For the Champions we have Kenny, Evan, Bananas, Derrick and Susie.

The boys are all fooling around. Evan and Bananas are playing some weird game where Evan has to hit Bananas with something on the ass. Then Bananas pours hot candle wax on Evan. Derrick is laying in bed and says "Where the f*** am I?" My sentiments exactly, Derrick. I feel your pain. You're in Thailand with a bunch of meatheads.

The next morning, Derrick is sharing some pictures of his son. The baby is so freakin' cute. Susie, KA and Sarah are all talking. KA and Sarah are feeling really confident because they work so well together. Susie tells them that her experience in the finale will consist of hours of abuse from the guys. She says that when they insult her, she's not going to feel motivated to do better. She'll just stop.

Evan is telling the guys that he thinks Susie has what it takes to beat the girls. Bananas says that he's the only one who's been through a challenge with Susie and he knows that's not the case. Derrick and Evan have faith in Susie and think that she'll pull through. Kenny and Bananas are not so confident.

Sarah is talking to the guys and they are still making fun of her. She interviews that she just wants a break from the abuse. I have an idea, don't go into their room!!! If you know they will just abuse you, then don't go in there! Annoying. I hate it when girls are stupid. She says that everytime she walks into their room, they tease her. Kenny tells her that she'd just be wallpaper in the room if they weren't making fun of her.

Now everyone is in the living room and Kenny walks in and tells Sarah that she should just admit that wants him. He tells her that she came to Thailand wanting him and she's going to leave Thailand wanting him. Then Kenny says "You're the girl who hangs out with a bunch of hot chicks. And you're the fat chick who ruins it for everyone else." And he doesn't stop. She has a bunch of tattoos on her arm and he says that it looks like a ten year old doodled on it. Then he finishes saying that she's like riding a moped. He wouldn't want his friends to see him on it, but sure, he'd probably take a ride. That does it. Sarah gets up and leaves. FINALLY. I mean, I think Kenny is the biggest douche-bag. I think he's an ass and someone needs to beat the crap out of him. But, Sarah, you know this. WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THE ABUSE??? Don't put yourself in those positions. Leave him alone. It's hard to feel too sorry for her even though I know Kenny is wrong.

Derrick, Susie and KA are chatting and Derrick admits that he's a little worried about the finale. He's got a point. Yes, he's on a team with 4 strong guys, but they also have Susie. She's good, but she has to be better than both KA and Sarah. It would look horrible for them if they were beat by 2 girls. They'd never live it down. Susie points out to Derrick that Bananas was an idiot for bad-mouthing her all over the house BEFORE the finale. She tells Derrick that he should have been smarter and waited until the finale was over. Susie interviews that if the Champions lost to KA and Sarah, she wouldn't be that disappointed. I see her point.

Sarah and Susie are chatting and Sarah is complaining about Kenny picking on her. Susie tells her that the boys aren't worth crying about. Sarah says that it fuels her and she feels good about winning.

It's the night before the final challenge and Evan and Susie are talking. Evan is trying to motivate Susie to do well for the team. She asks Evan if they can agree that Bananas is an ass and Evan says he agrees along with everyone else. All Evan cares about is the $$$. Susie interviews that the boys are starting to panic.

The guys are on the treadmill and working out like crazy and KA and Sarah are relaxing and feeling good. They say that the guys are terrified of two girls. But, that's not really it. I see Sarah and KA's point, but really, they are scared that Susie is going to blow it. If it was just the guys against Sarah and KA, I don't think they'd be worried at all. But, because they have Susie, they area a little freaked out.

FINAL CHALLENGE

The teams will head out and reach a series of checkpoints. At each checkpoint, the teams must work together to complete the task and get an artifact. There are arrows and directions throughout the course. At the end, they will turn in their artifacts and the first team to make it to the finish line will win $160K to be divided equally among their teammates. That's a little over $30K for each Champion and $80K for each Challenger.

First Task: Each team member must eat everything on the plate in front of them. There are beetles, fried frog legs, a sticky Thai fruit, red chilies, and crickets and grasshoppers. GROSS. KA is throwing up and but she keeps eating. Evan says that he looks over at KA and Sarah and they are eating this disgusting stuff like it's a buffet. Then he looks at the Champions and they are all puking and can barely keep anything down. Kenny: "I feel like I'm eating the asshole of the dirties bum I ever met." GROSS! The Challengers take off and are in the lead!!!

The Champs finally take off. The Challengers find the next task. It says that there are different paths and they can choose whatever order they want to complete the task at each path. They will need to collect 5 artifacts (total) to open the secret door. So they take off and find the second task. It's a jigsaw puzzle. The Champs make it to the different paths and decide to follow KA and Sarah. Susie is beat! She's exhausted, but she keeps going. Sarah says that they are staying calm and getting through it and she notices that the Champs are struggling. They finish the jigsaw puzzle, grab their artifact and tear down their puzzle so the Champs can't see it. They take off to the next task and are content to already have 2 artifacts out of 5. The Champs finish the puzzle and head back to choose a new path.

The Challengers find their third task: MudPit. Each player must crawl through the mud pit to reach the artifact and then crawl back. Looks pretty easy actually. The Champs run into the Challengers and Evan is terrified because the Challengers are a full artifact ahead. They can't handle Susie being slow, so Kenny pulls her over his shoulders and runs with her on his back. They reach their third task: Short Cut. Each player must walk across the bamboo poles. Challengers are doing the same one as their fourth task. If one player falls off, they all have to start over. The Challengers are doing well and so are the Champs on this one (even though they are still an entire artifact behind). The Champs finish and they are running to get their next task and make up some time. Champs get to the MudPit and really charge through. KA is still struggling through the bamboo poles. The guys are screaming for Susie to finish the MudPit but she's exhausted and doing her best. Susie finally makes it just as KA finishes. Both teams run to their final task.

The final task is a block test. It has 10 blocks numbered 1-10 and I think using the numbers on the blocks they need the blocks to end up in 5 equal stacks. I think. I'm not sure. I hope they can figure it out. Evan: "Any time there's a puzzle, you can count on this: Kenny = useless, Derrick = more than useless, Johnny's so tired from this race, he's puking on the sidelines." HAHA. Evan and Susie are trying to figure it out the puzzle. Susie comes through and they figure it out!!! THEY GET IT. They mess up their puzzle and run. They place the fifth artifact and take off through the secret door.

After 30 minutes elapses, the Challengers each get a puzzle piece to carry back to the junction. I guess after 30 minutes, if you can't figure it out, you get to continue. It's kind of like a time penalty. The Challengers aren't that far behind. There's a bamboo wall for them to all cross along the path to the finish line. The boys help Susie over the wall and they all keep running. The Challengers make it over the wall and they run, too.

The CHAMPIONS WIN!! The Challengers run in and feel defeated. They did really well and have made a name for themselves.

I can't wait for the next one!!

Amazing Race 15 - Episode 12 Season FINALE

Last week the Globes went home. Only three teams remain...who will win THE AMAZING RACE??

The three remaining teams are:

Team USA - I can't believe they made it this far.
Rainbow
The Blondes

The Blondes have been strong this whole time. I predict that they will win the whole thing, but you never know with these things.

The teams are leaving from the Czech Republic. The Blondes are the first to depart at 11:10 a.m. and receive their first clue.

FIRST CLUE: Teams must now fly to their final destination, Las Vegas, Nevada!! Once there, they will travel to the Graceland Wedding Chapel to receive their next clue from Elvis.

The Blondes immediately head to a travel agent and get tickets to Vegas on a 6:40pm flight. Next to depart is Rainbow. They are very excited. They are trying to beat The Blondes and not fight with one another. Good luck with that. Meghan and Cheyne know that all the teams probably will be on the same flight out and they aren't going to arrive in Vegas until the following afternoon. Last to depart is Team USA. They say that they are out to get Rainbow for stabbing them in the back and stealing their cab. The Blondes and Rainbow are trying to figure out who the third team is - I guess they didn't know. They run into Team USA and they all hug. Rainbow apologizes to Team USA for stealing the cab. Brian says that he forgives them but he's not going to forget it.

They all arrive in Vegas on the flight and run out of the airport to find a cab. Team USA is first to get a cab, followed closely by The Blondes and Rainbow. They all arrive around the same time and run into the chapel to get their next clue.

NEXT CLUE: Teams must make their way to Mandalay Bay.

They all race in their taxis to Mandalay Bay. Team USA arrives first and get the next clue.

ROADBLOCK: One team member must do a face-first rappel down the side of the building from the roof to the ground. When they reach the ground, they will receive their next clue.

Miss America is doing the roadblock because Brian is terrified of heights. Heh. She starts to rappel and the Blondes show up and Cheyne decides to go up to the roof. That actually looks really fun. Rainbow arrives as Miss America and Cheyne are making their way down the building. Sam is doing it for Rainbow. Miss America makes it down and receives the next clue.

NEXT CLUE: Teams must make their way to the Mirage.

Cheyne is not opening his eyes. Wuss. I would be looking and loving every minute. Team USA is on their way to the Mirage. Sam is motoring down the building. Sam: "Look at my little legs go." HAHA. Cheyne makes it down and the Blondes head to the Mirage. Sam makes it down and Rainbow gets a cab to the Mirage. They tell their driver that they'll pay him good money to get them to the Mirage quickly.

Team USA makes it to the Mirage and has their cab wait for them. They receive the next clue.

NEXT CLUE: Teams now have a chance to join Cirque de Soleil's "LOVE." There are three bouquets of flowers suspended from the ceiling. One team member will be hooked up to a bungee cord and the other team member will launch that team member high enough in the air to retrieve one of the bouquets of flowers. Once they have the bouquet in their hands, they will hand it over to the "flower child" who will give them their next clue.

Miss America is going to be hooked up to bungee cords and Brian launches her up. The Blondes show up and Meghan is going to get launched. It's harder than it looks. Brian is on try #3. Now the Blondes go. Rainbow arrives and Dan is going to bounce. Miss America keeps getting close. Meghan is having some issues, too. She grabs flowers but not the whole bouquet. Miss America tells Brian that he's taller so he needs to do it. He tells her to try one more time. Meghan got the bouquet and Miss America SCREAMS at Brian to switch with her and "Get her down!" Damn. They will lose and she'll blame it on Brian. The Blondes get the next clue.

NEXT CLUE: "What's the most famous casino in the country of Monaco?" Teams must now figure out that the casino they're looking for is the Monte Carlo - where they'll get their next clue.

Rainbow is bouncing and, of course, Sam and Dan are bickering. Dan is bouncing because he's taller, but Sam is bitching because Dan is heavier. The Blondes ask a cab driver what the most famous casino in Monaco is and he says "the Venetian," but they are skeptical, as they should be. Dan is still bouncing and ... he gets the bouquet and the next clue. Miss America is freaking out. She's not "launching" Brian high enough and she totally breaks down saying she can't take it anymore. DRAMA. They decide to switch again. The Blondes are still trying to figure out where they are going. Rainbow gets into a cab and follows The Blondes. I guess they figure the Blondes know where they are going. Heh.

Team USA switches again and Miss America is frustrated. She's not reaching the bouquet and she's crying and screaming. I don't think she realizes that she needs to "try" and do some work. I think she expects Brian to just launch her ONTO the bouquet. She needs to reach for it. She is FREAKING OUT.

Rainbow calls 411 or something and finds out that they are looking for the Monte Carlo so they head there. The Blondes still can't figure it out and are freaking out because Rainbow isn't following them anymore.

Miss America FINALLY gets the bouquet and Team USA is off. Brian knows the answer right away and they head to the Monte Carlo. Rainbow arrives first and gets the next clue.

NEXT CLUE: Each poker table is covered with casino chips of various denominations. From the sea of over 8,000 chips, the teams must count out exactly $1 MILLION DOLLARS!!! The dealer will verify their amount, and if correct, they will get their next clue and a special chip!

Rainbow arrives and starts counting. They find the red chips ($1000) and try to collect only those. The Blondes stop somewhere and find out that the answer is Monte Carlo. They head out but they are stuck in traffic. Team USA arrives and they start counting. The Blondes arrive and have the same idea as the others - getting the red chips. They are all stacking the red chips. I'm so TENSE right now. All 3 teams are done and waiting for the dealers to verify their amounts. WOW, the Blondes really made up some time.

The BLONDES got it right, got the clue and the $1M chip. The other teams were incorrect and need to recount their chips.

NEXT CLUE: Teams must make their way to the MGM Grand and find the Highrollers' Suite where Mr. Las Vegas - aka Wayne Newton - will tell them the location of the finish line.

The Blondes ask people who Mr. Las Vegas is, but I'm not sure they need to know that. They head to the MGM. Rainbow is...RIGHT! They get their clue and their chip. Team USA is incorrect and has to recount again.

The Blondes arrive and make their way to Suite 88. Wayne Newton tells them that the finish line is at his house...and that's it!

The Blondes go back to the taxi and tell the driver to take them to Wayne Newton's house. Rainbow makes it to Suite 88 and Wayne tells them the same thing. They didn't know his name!! Wayne Newton had to tell them who he was. How embarrassing. Rainbow heads out to Wayne Newton's house.

It's a race between the Blondes and Rainbow! The Blondes arrive and run to Phil with all the teams cheering them on.

The winners of The Amazing Race are CHEYNE AND MEGHAN!!! I'm totally crying. They are so happy. Very exciting!! All the teams are so cute. I missed those Farmers and Besties!!

Rainbow runs up second and they are disappointed, but they made it to the end. Finally, Team USA runs up for the third place spot. Phil asks what her family will think of Brian now that he's run this race with her (apparently, they don't like that he's white). Brian starts to cry and Miss America tells him "OMG. Not now." and then answers that she hopes they fully accept him for who he is.

I still LOVE the Farmers and Besties. See you next time!!

Jersey Shore, Season Premiere (Part 2), Episode 2

I've decided that I'm going to refer to some of these people by nicknames:

Nicole - Snickers
Jennie - JWOW
Mike - Situation
Angelina - Jolie (only because that's what they call her so it makes it easier)

So Snickers has decided to move out. It's the next morning and she's having second thoughts. She knows she screwed up by getting wasted the first night and now everyone thinks she's a slutty whore. Well... Anyhow, she is telling everyone she's leaving. I think she just wants people to beg her to stay.

The Situation is making breakfast and Sammi is eating and she interviews that The Situation is such a "sweetheart". She came downstairs and he had made her breakfast. Awwww. They are both shy and cute and tell each other that they like each other. The Situation interviews that he's a player, but with Sammi, there "might be enough vibin' that I'll cut that out." I'm skeptical.

It's raining in Jersey! Jolie and Pauly D are working together at the T-Shirt Shop. Pauly D says that he's pumped and thinks this will be an easy gig. Jolie, on the other hand, says that the Jersey Shore is a "playground and not a place to come and work." Yikes. She should have read her contract. Danny is telling them how important it is to "Sell, Sell, Sell!" [Sounds like my ex boss: Bill! Bill! Bill! - notice I said "ex". :)] Jolie is annoyed that she has to work a few days a week. Line of the episode, Jolie: "I feel like this job is beneath me. I'm a bartender. I do great things." This blog writes itself. Really.

Pauly D is making sales and putting himself out there. Jolie is...not. She wasn't selling and wasn't trying so Danny put her on "hanger duty" which meant she had to hang T-Shirts. HA. Jolie tells us "the hours are too much for me." Ugh.

Back at the house...Sammi walks into Snickers' room to talk to her. Snickers says she's still feeling sad. DRAMA. Snickers interviews (very seriously): "I love the Jersey Shore. I love being a guidette. But no one in the house can understand how I'm feeling right now." Sammi takes Snickers into the living room to talk to her. Sammi tells her straight up that she didn't like Snickers the first night because she thought she was the "sloppy girl." Then she says that the next day, she was still not feeling Snickers because she was like "ew" about the night before. But throughout the day, Sammi had a change of heart. She decided not to judge Snickers and just get to know her. Sammi interviews that she thinks Snickers needs to build up her self esteem. No kidding!! I think that all the housemates could use a little more self esteem and less arrogance. AND, a little self respect wouldn't hurt. Sammi tells Snickers not to go home and that she'll be there for Snickers if she needs a friend...people don't call her Sammi Sweetheart for nothing, y'all. Snickers tells us "I'm not a strong person as I look." Um...what? She has feelings, yo. I feel like I need to include quotes so that you can fully grasp the essence of the show.

Ronnie, The Situation and Vinny are all working out at the gym. If you want to look like The Situation, which he tells us is pretty hard, you need protein in your diet. I assume by "protein" he means "protein shakes". The boys are in the car on the way home and they talk about going out tonight. Ronnie is ready to get his drink on. The Situation tells him he could've done that last night. Ronnie says that if he just wanted to get crazy, he would've just "pounded out" Snickers the first night. Then, Vinny says that he thinks Ronnie has a crush on Sammi. The Situation agrees and says that Ronnie may not "like" her but he wants to at least hook up with her. Ronnie eloquently says "I'd pound out Sammi. I really would. She's f-ing cute." Ok, again. It's so weird when Ronnie says things like this because he looks like such a dumb, sweet, meathead. It's hard to hear him sound so crass and douche-y. The Situation wonders if he has some competition for Sammi with Ronnie and then he decides "Nah...I don't."

Breaking news: Snickers has decided...to stay. She's ready to party, meet sexy guidos and be single. WOOT!

Snickers walks down to the T-Shirt shop to find "something that makes me look hot" and to tell Pauly D and Jolie that she's staying. Pauly D says he's glad she's staying because she's his girl. Wait...what? When did that happen? He interviews that he and Snickers would make the cutest little guidos and guidette babies. Seriously, when did this happen? Weird.

It's time for the evening shift and The Situation and Sammi are working. The Situation says that he can sell a T-shirt standing still..."matter of fact, I just sold one just right now." Dumb. He's showing all the girls who come in "the situation" and selling them underwear with "I LOVE THE SITUATION"ironed on them. Danny tells him that he likes the situation right now. Heh. The Situation tells us that everyone loves him: dogs, babies, hot girls, cougars. He just has mass appeal.

JWOW is talking to the boys about her boyfriend. She admits that she and Pauly D have been flirting but that she would be the stupidest girl in the world to mess things up with her boyfriend. I'm sensing that she will become that girl before the episode is over. Meanwhile Jolie tells us that HER boyfriend's biggest concern is whether or not Jolie will cheat on him. Ugh.

The roommates are all getting ready. The gel and hairspray is polluting the house. Snickers says she's not "poofing" her hair and Jolie says "I would never to that to my hair if I were you." Snickers says "why not? I love the poof. It's f-ing guidette." I'm speechless.

They all stop at the shop to tell The Situation and Sammi that they are going out. They go to the club and Pauly D and JWOW are dancing pretty close. Vinny tells us that he will dance with anyone: fat, ugly, 45 years old, whatever. It's fun! Snickers interviews that her ideal man would be "Italian, dark, muscles, juice head, guido. If I found that guy I'd snatch him like that." What is a "juice head"? I thought that was someone who was on steroids. Is she really saying she wants someone who's juiced up on steroids? She's dancing with a bunch of different guys many of which seem like they fit that description. One of them has a girlfriend and Snickers says that it's really hard to find that perfect guy "cuz it's the Jersey shore, you know." Hmmm. Jolie seems to have found a "guido" of her own. She's grinding on a bunch of guys and Vinny is shocked because she has a boyfriend. Hasn't he ever watched MTV? This is what happens. Girls (and guys) say they would NEVER cheat on their significant others and they ALWAYS DO.

Snickers finds a guy and she's feeling like she wants to hook up. She's making out with him at the bar and she stumbles with him back to the house. He tells her she's the Queen of Guidettes not JUST a guidette.

Meanwhile, JWOW and Pauly D are dancing really close and teasing each other. Neither one of them wants to be the first one to kiss the other. Dumb. Camera cuts to Jolie freakin' some guy and Snickers walking home with her dude. Then we see the name of the club: KARMA. Heh.

Sammi and The Situation are having some dinner on the roof. They were exhausted and feeling a little annoyed that the housemates all went out without them. Then Sammi asks if any of the guys in the house like her. The Situation and I are actually thinking the same thing: Is she serious right now?? Why would she ask that? The Situation says Ronnie and then proceeds to bash him and make him look like Ronnie is a d-bag who just wants to get laid. Can you say "cockblock"? The Situation admits that's what he's doing but he doesn't care. Sammi says that Ronnie is a little bit of badass. I think she likes that.

Snickers and her "friend," Robbie, show up. They go up to the roof and Sammi is shocked because Robbie actually looks descent. Ouch.

The rest of the housemates come home. Pauly D and JWOW start hooking up and he shows her that his penis is pierced. Ewww. They keep making out and then she stops because she realizes that she just "technically" cheated on her boyfriend. There's no "technically" about it, JWOW, you cheated. Snickers says that she and her "friend," Robbie, went up to the roof "to watch the sunset, wait, no, the sunrise." Her "friend" is totally passing out and she's annoyed. "C'mon man, wake up! I brought you to the house and I wanna make out and you're totally ignoring me." HAHA. He wakes up and starts throwing up and it's disgusting. I actually gagged a little watching it. Sick. Snickers goes to the kitchen to get a plastic bag and she tells Ronnie and Vinny that her friend threw up. They start talking smack and she says "C'mon guys. He's my friend, ok." Um...you met him 2 hours ago, he's not your friend. He's some super drunk random you brought home to hook up with and now he's throwing up on your roof.

Snickers goes back on the roof and her "friend" offers her a piece of gum. She tells him she would like him to clean his mess right now. Heh. He finished and she walked him home. He thanks her for taking care of him and says goodnight. He leans in for the kiss and Snickers says "I'm not kissing you because you have throw up breath." Wow, now there's a line I've never said or heard before. Snickers says she has bad luck with guys and doesn't understand why. Well, I'd say your first problem is trying to find a guy in a bar and going home with the drunkest one there.

Next morning, everyone is in the kitchen making breakfast and Jolie wants to know what happened the night before. She claims that she doesn't remember anything...especially grinding up against some guys. The Situation tells us that Jolie is lying to everyone and they all know it. Jolie says that everyone thinks she cheated on her boyfriend so she's freaking out. She decides that she needs to talk to her boyfriend. She calls him and he says that he can't talk because he's in a meeting. Jolie says that she wants to talk to him now because she can't talk all day. He says he can't talk and hangs up on her. So, she calls back...about 5 times. He turned off his phone so her calls were going straight to voicemail. She can't understand what's going on because "he knows that I want to talk to him." Well, he certainly doesn't sound like a guy who's really scared of losing you.

Vinny discovers that he has pink eye. Gross. Ronnie says that's what he gets for dancing with a fat chick. Ass. Vinny tells all the housemates that he has pink eye. He goes into work to tell Danny that he can't work because he woke up this morning "with a little bit of pink eye." Is that being a little bit pregnant? Danny says he understands but asks him to find someone to take his shift. So Vinny goes back to the house to see if he has any takers. Sammi agrees to do the first part (3pm - 6pm), but that's it. She had to work last night and she wants to go out. They all pressure Jolie to take the rest of the shift (6-9pm), but she says she'll only do it if she can leave at 7pm because she needs to come and get ready to go out. Vinny says that they don't go out until 11:30pm, why does she need to start getting ready at 7pm. Basically, Jolie doesn't want to do it at all. So Vinny goes back and tells Danny that he could only get Jolie to cover until 7pm, so Danny just said to forget it. He'll make do.

The guys are all getting ready and Ronnie makes some "Ron Ron Juice". It's cranberry juice, fresh cherries, fresh watermelon and vodka (i think) all blended together with ice. They all get ready to go to the club. The Situation says that he and Sammi are vibin' and "it's not a matter of 'if' we hook up, it's a matter of when I decide."

They all walk to the club and get their drink on. Everyone is dancing and having a good time. The Situation decides it's time and he and Sammi start dancing and making out. Pauly D an JWOW are making out and dancing. All of a sudden she takes off his shirt and then leaves the club and goes home "because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend." Um...you saw Pauly D's penis last night and you guys just made out at the club. Too late! Sammi decides that she's had enough of The Situation for one night and moves onto RONNIE. Sammi says that Ronnie is "f-ing HOT!" Really? Anyhow, she starts dancing with Ronnie and they start making out. The Situation cannot believe his eyes.

The Situation is pissed! He walks up to Sammi and says "I saw you with Ronnie. How you gonna hook up with someone in the house right in front of me like that? Is that what you do? You hook up with me half the night, and then Ronnie half the night?" Sammi interviews that she should be able to do what she wants because she's not tied down to anybody. The Situation is hurt and keeps flipping her off. He walks up again and says "You f-ing do your thing, I'm gonna do mine." Ok, then do it and let it go. Sammi interviews that The Situation is freaking out and they weren't even dating! Then she proceeds to hook up with Ronnie.

The Situation says he's "a tiny bit upset" that Sammi shot him down. SO, he does what any hurt, angry, guido with a bruised ego would do: he starts a fight with some guy who was looking at him. The Situation tells Pauly D that some guy is starting trouble. So, The Situation blows a kiss to the guy and the guy gets angry and comes at them. He pushes Vinny and Pauly D snaps. He goes after the guy and throws a punch. Security kicks them all out and they start walking home. The Situation notices that there are 3 hot chicks walking behind them, so they turn around to meet the girls. The boys bring them back to the roof to drink some more and The Situation starts making out with one of them. Then he decides to go downstairs to get more drinks.

The Situation walks into the house and Ronnie and Sammi are in the kitchen. He can't just get his drinks and leave. He goes up to Sammi and asks her if she had a good night. She says she did and he says that she screwed up. He's obviously hurt and embarrassed and wants to try to make her feel bad. She interviews that she doesn't want to have anything to do with The Situation. The Situation won't let up. He again talks about how Sammi was vibin' with him and holding his hand the first night and making out with him and then decides to hook up with Ronnie. Sammi says that Ronnie is hot and she made her choice. The Situation can't believe it. He keeps telling her to do her thing, but he's still pissed. Sammi tells him to go upstairs to his "whores". The Situation goes upstairs and tells the girls that Sammi told him to go upstairs to his "whores." One of the girls gets pissed and says she's not a whore. The Situation tells her not to worry about it because no one is going to come upstairs and bother them.

Right then, Jolie comes upstairs and shouts "hey guys, are you coming downstairs to hang out with your roommates?" Jolie interviews that she was trying to "cock block." The Situation tells her that he'll be down in a few minutes and she's says no, he has to come now. The Situation interviews that he thinks Jolie is jealous because he's not giving her the attention that she wants. I think The Situation is absolutely right. The guys ask why she's a hater on the chicks that are up there. Jolie: "A hater? On these chicks? I don't think so. Look at me," implying that she's so hot she doesn't have to hate on those girls. The girls leave and Jolie goes downstairs.

The Situation walks into the house and calls Jolie a "hater." She blows him off, but he's pissed. He tells Jolie that she's on his shitlist. Jolie tells him that the girls he brought home were zeros, so he tells Jolie that must mean she's a -3. She tells him to look at her because she's all natural and she's hot. The Situation tells her "lose 5-10 pounds and we can talk. OK?" Ouch. Jolie: "Yo. I will cut your hair while you are sleeping." ha.

Ronnie and Sammi are laying on the futon on the roof. Ronnie tells her "Your boy was mad, like, 'What happened to my girl?'" Ronnie tells Sammi that she crushed the Situation tonight. Sammi says that she was never his "thing." I see your point, Sammi, you weren't his girlfriend, but you did hook up with the guy and you were giving him all the signals. Plus, he's your roommate and it's never good to hook up with two guys that you live with. Ronnie is eating this all up. He's a huge meathead and The Situation is smarter and more cut. Ronnie has muscles, but he's seriously like the HULK. He's just huge. The Situation is smaller but super cut. I'm sure Ronnie is a little intimidated so he's feeling awesome that he got the girl.

It's going to be an awesome season...

Jersey Shore, Season Premiere (Part 1), Episode 1

I've been dreading this recap since I saw this on Thursday. It is NO JOKE. MTV did a 2 hour premiere which is essentially the first two episodes of the show. I've been dreading it because there is just SO MUCH material. Let's get started...

Let me begin by saying that MTV lucked out on this one. This is Real World Jersey Shore. The difference is that MTV didn't have to pimp out a house for these guidos & guidettes (or wannabe guidos & guidettes - yes, I know, but some people actually aspire to be this). Apparently, when you spend your summer at "the shore", you live in a "Share House" - 6-10 people renting out a place for the summer. It's akin to getting a cabin in Tahoe for the Winter with a bunch of people. The difference is that the people in the Share House are there ALL SUMMER LONG and the people who stay in these Share Houses are like no one you've ever met and unbelievable. So all MTV had to do was rent a Share House and send 8 of the most ridiculous kids from Jersey there and BAM...you've got a show.

[DISCLAIMER: I use the terms "guido" and "guidette" in this recap - and expect future ones also - because this is what these people call themselves. I mean no disrespect or offense, I'm simply using the terminology that they have chosen. I actually thought it was an insult or offensive, but MTV didn't "bleep" it out and these people proudly refer to themselves this way.]

The Guidos and Guidettes:

PAULY D: Pauly is from Rhode Island and tells us when guidos stop their cars, the "chrome keeps spinnin'" (on their wheels). Pauly was born and raised "guido" and tells us it's what being Italian is all about. It's about representin' family, friends, tanning, culture, etc. He has a tanning bed in his house because he's so serious about "being guido and living up to that lifestyle". He also keeps gel companies in business. He has a stock of gel (so he never runs out ) and he's taking it all with him. Pauly's tagline is: I'm your girl's favorite DJ. Pauly says that he wants "all the guidettes to *** in their pants when they hear my music." Class act, this guy. (We later discover that he's 29 years old!!) He doesn't try to take a guy's girlfriend, but it just happens. He can't help it. It takes Pauly about 25 minutes to do his hair everyday but it comes out perfect everytime. "When I hit the shore, everyone's gonna see a new guido. Every girl loves the new guy."

NICOLE "Snookie": Some of these cats have nicknames. I think that's big on the East Coast - well, in the guido/guidette circles at least. Nicole is from Poughkeepsie, NY. She's about 4 feet tall and very curvy. Her black hair is LONG and she kind of looks like a short, fat version of Christina Aguilera in her black hair, tan skin phase. This girl is like an Oompa Loompa. No joke. Nicole: "I wanna married a guido. My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey and find a "juiced", hot, tan guy and live my life." I mean, you can't make this stuff up. She starts doing a little dance and sings "I love guidos, yeah!" She's walking down the street with her friends, yelling "I like tan guys with muscles!" Wow.

MIKE "The Situation": This guido is from Manalapan, NJ. His abs are so awesome that they are "The Situation". They look great, but it's a little weird to refer to them as "the situation". Mike tells us "A guido is a good-lookin', smooth, well dressed Italian." Mike says that girls LOVE guidos. He tells us that we can hate on him all we want but "what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo pretty much when he takes his shirt off?" I don't think I would say ANYTHING to someone who looked like that. Mike: "If I walked in the door and seen myself walk in, I'd probably grab my girl real quick."

[I'd paraphrase, but I think direct quotes give a fuller picture. :)]

SAMMI "Sweetheart": She's from Hazlet, NJ and they call her a sweetheart because "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet...but do not F*** with me." She's not looking for Mr. Right, but she is looking to hook up with a lot of "good, hot, sexy guidos." She's got standards, people. They aren't very high, but whatever. Her mission is to find the hottest guido and take him home. Sammi tells us "A guidette is someone who knows how to club it up, takes really good care of themselves, has pretty hair, cakes on make-up, has tan skin, wears the hottest heels...Pretty much, they know how to own it and rock it." Sammi finishes by saying "If you're not a guido, get the F*** outta my face." These girls are so classy.

VINNY: Vinny is from Staten Island and still lives with his Italian parents. He's a total mama's boy. He says that his ma does everything for him: cooks, cleans, laundry. He says that the guys with the fake tans, hair product and lip gloss aren't real guidos, they're "R******". He went to college (although didn't learn that using the "R" word is not acceptable) and spends time with his family. That doesn't mean he can't "fist pump" with the best of them. Then...he demonstrates. Now, some of you might be wondering, What is a "fist pump"? Well, it's exactly like it sounds. You make a fist with your hand and pump it in the air. I'm not kidding. He tells us "I'm proud to be a f*****' guido!" This is his first year at the shore. He's finally 21 and he's been waiting for this moment forever. He says it'll be hard to be away from home, but he's excited. His ENTIRE family says good-bye to him and his mom cries. I hope this guy is the group's conscience...but, I doubt it.

JENNI "JWOWW": From Long Island, she says "If you don't know me, then you hate me. And you want to be me." She also says she's like a Praying Mantis because after she has sex with a guy, she will rip their heads off. This girl is like a walking contradiction. She looks rough and has a total smoker's voice. Her hair is dyed black with white streaks. She kind of talks like a tough chick, but...she tans, wears heavy make-up and has fake boobs. I don't get it. She plays emotional games with guys and is all nice and sweet for the first month they are dating, then "I send 'em on a roller coaster to hell." A lot of girls hate on her, but they are just jealous. JWOWW has a boyfriend, but she's going to the Jersey Shore, bitches.

RONNIE: He doesn't have a nickname, but I think I'm going to give him one. His nickname will now be "Hulk" because he looks like the Incredible Hulk. He's the epitome of a Meathead. He tells us not to fall in love at the Jersey Shore and that this whole Summer is about getting laid. It's kind of funny because Ronnie has such a baby face. It's like this sweet little boy head on the body of a huge meathead. He says that the bank account may be low, but you always have to make a good impression: new sneakers, fresh haircut, gym body. He packs the essentials: huge tub of gel, two bottles of cologne and a vat of protein mix for shakes.

ANGELINA: She doesn't have a nickname yet, but this Staten Island girl will soon be going by "Jolie". UGH. She tells us right away that she's the "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby." Hmmm. Is that a good thing? She says she's all natural: real boobs and a nice, fat ass. "I mean, c'mon, I'm hot." wow. If she doesn't look good, she doesn't leave the house. She doesn't go out looking for guys, they usually just come up to her. She has a boyfriend and says that this a test for them to see if he can trust her. If not, C'YA LATER! She wants to show everyone in the house what it's like "to be a real guidette."

It begins.

"A New Family"

Everyone is driving to the shore and to the new house. Vinny tells us that there's nowhere else in the world like the Jersey shore. If he's talking about the people, I completely believe him. Mike says that people will look at him and say "Oh shoot. That's the situation right there. Yeah it is." Mike arrives first and has a look around. It's definitely not as fly as the real world houses, but they decorated it nicely. All that Jersey "charm" is present. There's a huge roof with a bunch of chairs/tables and a hot tub. It wouldn't be MTV without a hot tub. Pauly D arrives next. He's super pumped to be in Jersey and claims he's never been...well, he'll fit right in! Mike (The Situation) and Pauly D decide to bunk together and "we were thinkin', we could also bunk wit a chick." And with that...in walks Sammi Sweetheart.

When Mike sees Sammi, he thinks "DAMN" and decides he's "gonna hook up wit her". Sammi thinks Pauly D and Mike are really hot. Mike is in the room with Sammi and Pauly D and he's tryin' to convince Sammi to bunk with them. He says "'cuz I'm chill, he's chill and you seem chill" Sammi: "I'm real chill." Done. Sammi is bunking with the guys. Vinny comes in next. He is impressed with the guidos but he says that he expected hotter than Sammi. Oh, really? Hmmm. He's gotta figure out where he's going to bunk. There are two rooms for two people in each and a single left. Vinny puts his stuff in one of the double rooms but he might move it depending on who walks in next.

It's Jenni "JWOW". Vinny says all he sees are fake boobs and black hair with blonde streaks and he knows she's gonna be high maintenance, so he runs and moves his stuff into the single room. Nicole "Snooki" comes flying in next and it's hugs for everyone. Mike says she was like a spray-painted "miniature chihuahua". heh. She comes in asking if everyone's drinking and demands a shot. Next to arrive is Ronnie. Nicole says that she's totally attracted to Ronnie - "he's sexy, he's got muscles, he's a total guido." I can't figure Ronnie out. He looks like such a sweet boy, but he then when he opens his mouth, he talks about women melting in their pants when they see him and having a stripper pole in the middle of the room. It seems so weird.

They are all eager with anticipation to see who will arrive last. When Angelina walks in, she's carrying her stuff in garbage backs. Pauly D says: "In walks this girl with garbage bags. It's like ghetto and weird. What? You can't find a suitcase nowhere? No one in your family has a suitcase you can borrow?" I'll admit, for someone who's so entitled like Angelina, it does seem a little "ghetto" to carry your shit around in a garbage bag. THEN, Danny walks in. He's the owner of this party pad and he'll also be their boss for the summer. I guess they are living there in exchange for working in his T-Shirt shop. Danny gives them the lowdown on working for him...he says it'll be selling T-shirts, stocking them, cleaning, etc. Pauly D says he hopes it's not hard work because "I don't even wanna work. I'm a F-ing DJ." Apparently DJs do not work.

Danny takes off and the housemates are drinking! Nicole "Snookie" is taking many shots and is DRUNK. She tells all the roommates that she loves them. All the other roommates are laughing at how drunk she is. She is on the hot mess express for sure! She goes up to the roof and lays down on one of the futons while ranting about getting dissed by the Jersey guys in the house. Oh jeez. The rest of the roommates go up stairs to continue the party. Nicole interviews that she's used to being the center of attention and at this house, she's not. So it's hard for her. I can only imagine. She's being a drama queen and laying on the futon while the others do shots.

The boys all get into the hot tub and Nicole decides to join them. She's in her bra and thong underwear. Yikes. Vinny keeps calling her "Snickers" and it's cracking me up. Nicole is totally rubbing up against each of the guys and kissing their chests. Angelina and Sammi are sitting on a couch laughing at the trainwreck that is Nicole. Angelina tells Sammi "What is she doing, this girl?" and interviews "How do you go into a f-ing jacuzzi with a thong and a bra? Wear a thong bikini. That's a little more classier if you're gonna wear anything at all. You know what I mean." Jenni JWOW joins the hot tub mess and seems a lot more sober than Nicole which isn't hard to do because Nicole is WASTED. Nicole swims up and tries to make out with Jenni. Jenni looks away as the boys all holla. They all get out of the jacuzzi and the boys can't believe how drunk Nicole is. One of them says that she lives up to the Jersey slut name. Cut to Nicole slipping down the stairs. Ooooh. That's gonna leave a mark.

Nicole passes out in a hammock upstairs and the rest of roommates take off to check out the nightlife. (I've always wanted a hammock.) The roomies are playing carnival games while Nicole wakes up and stumbles around the house looking for them. The house has a "duck" phone - it's basically a phone that looks like a duck and quacks when it's "ringing". It starts quacking and Nicole can't figure out what the hell it is. She realizes it's a phone and decides to call her dad. The receiver of this phone also has a button at the bottom that hangs it up. So when you talk on the phone, you need to be careful not to let your chin hang it up. As soon as her dad answers, Nicole accidentally hangs up the phone, but can't figure out that she did it. She calls him back and they connect, but then she gets another call and the caller is harassing her. So she hangs up and then hangs up on her dad. She does not understand the phone. She hangs up and Jennie's boyfriend calls. Nicole tells him to hold on and then puts the receiver down, which hangs up the phone. HAHA. This is getting ridiculous. Are people really this clueless?

Angelina interviews that she thinks Mike is going to try to hook up with Sammi. She doesn't get why he would want Sammi over her. Jealous much? Ronnie interviews that Mike likes Sammi. Sammi and Mike are holding hands as the group walks through the boardwalk. Meanwhile, Nicole is still hanging up on Jenni's boyfriend. HAHA. She gets on the phone again as everyone walks through the door. Nicole tells Jenni that her boyfriend called and all the guys start hollering because she didn't say anything about having a boyfriend. Vinny says that she's a shady bitch. Really? Is it that bad? It's not like she's been making out with any of youse. (I'm starting to get into this whole Jersey culture).

Nicole wakes up the next morning and tells everyone she feels like ass. No kidding. She can't remember what she did last night...if that's true, it's a good thing. Unfortunately, MTV taped it and you, along with thousands of viewers, will get to see what you did last night. Nicole goes into the bathroom and asks Jenni to hold her hair while she throws up. WTF?? Jenni says hell no and walks out of the bathroom. The rest of the roomies are waiting to leave for orientation at the T-shirt shop while Nicole is throwing up in the bathroom. They decide that they can't be late and take off and leave her at home.

The T-shirt store is like the ones you see at Venice Beach. Huge space full of any kind of T-shirt a tourist could want. Danny notices that someone is missing right away. Nicole finally makes it out of the house and she's whining because she can't find the right T-shirt shop. In her defense, I can only imagine that there are dozens of these T-shirt shops on the boardwalk. She finds the right one and Danny takes her outside to talk. [Sidenote - WTF is up with her hair. It's super long and straight around her face. The she clips some of it back in a huge POOF on top of her head. She looks ridiculous.] Danny lectures her about being on time and she apologizes. He's going to let today slide, but next time, she's fired and out of the house. Yikes.

Nicole walks in the house and she immediately demands to know what's wrong and why is everyone acting weird towards her. They all placate her and then Sammi asks why she was late and what she was doing. Nicole just says she was in the bathroom. Sammi says she thought Nicole was "vomiting your brains out" and "I don't want your puke-y breath on me." GROSS. Sammi interviews that she doesn't want anything to do with Nicole: "I don't have time for stupid bimbos." Nicole is feeling left out. She feels like all the others got to bond while she was drunk the night before.

Sammi and Mike are cooking dinner. Pauly D enlightens us that "Girls are sposed to cook and guys are sposed to eat." BUT, Mike did his thing and cooked up some sausage and peppers. They had sausage and peppers, some chicken, some burgers and salad. They all sat at the table and Mike informs the group that "The Situation sits at the head of the table." Oh jeez. Vinny says that they decide to say a prayer like any traditional Italian family would and he cannot get through it. He starts the prayer and then busts out laughing. Jenni is pissed and interviews "If you're gonna say Grace, then say Grace." She doesn't want to hear people laughing. I'd listen to her guys, she looks like she would cut a bitch. Nicole is still feeling stupid and that everyone has this wrong impression of her so she decides to say something. Nicole: "I want to apologize to all of you if I acted like a f-ing [incoherent, but also bleeped so I'm not sure] last night, if I offended you or you got the wrong impression of me. I'm honestly, like, the sweetest girl. I get along with everybody. I just wanna have fun." They all clap and Sammi says that she really appreciated the apology. It's all good!

Mike, Ronnie and Pauly D are on the roof "fishing" for girls. Pauly D explains that they are so high on the roof that the girls walking by are like fishes and they are just fishing for chicks. They find some takers and tell the girls to come up to their place. They decide to meet them on the street in front of the house and Pauly D tells the boys that "our girls are gonna get heated" - referring to the girls in the house. Ronnie interviews that Mike and Sammi are interested in each other and "you can't bring girls into this house when you're vibin' with a chick. That's just gonna cause massive amounts of problems." The guys meet the girls and invite them up to the jacuzzi. The girls say they don't have bikinis, but the guys tell them it's not a problem. They go up and the girls go in their bras and thongs. Ewwww.

Meanwhile, Sammi and Angelina are discussing whether or not to go up there. I can understand why Sammi wants to go up. She wants to see if Mike hooks up with any of the girls. But, Angelina? Why do you want to go up? To see the guys hook up with skanks and then bitch at them?? They try to get Ronnie to come up and he says no because they are just going to start trouble. He tells them to "let them get their s*** in and that's it." Ronnie is trying to get them not to go up because it's gonna cause tension. Sammi says it won't and she and Angelina head up. Bad idea.

Sammi and Angelina arrive and Mike's getting nervous because he sees Sammi. I think Angelina is pissed because none of the guys want her. Ronnie walks upstairs with a bunch of cold beers for everyone and is shaking his head. The "skanky hos" in the jacuzzi are taking off their thongs and bras. Angelina says she had so much respect for the boys until this jacuzzi mess. She didn't think they were gonna be "typical Jersey whore guys." The boys try to recruit Ronnie, but he says he's not playing this game. One of the "skanky hos" tells him it's not a game and that it's "real life". Wow. Genius. Mike keeps eyeing Sammi and she notices. She tells Angelina "Mike's sh**ing his pants right now." She's right. He is. Mike interviews that Sammi is on "stalker mode" and Angelina is telling her "I told you so. I told you so. I told you about him." Ewww. Thongs are now coming off. Angelina wants to know how these girls can meet these guys and take off their underwear. I don't want to judge...but it is a little trashy to get naked in a hot tub with 3 random guys when you're being filmed (and not getting paid).

Pauly D dares one of the girls to kiss Mike "The Situation". Mike keeps looking over at Sammi and she's looking at him like "what are you doing?" So Mike develops a conscience and gets out of the jacuzzi. Sammi tries to pretend like she's not happy that he got out for her and tells him to do his thing. WHATEVER. You and Angelina sat there whispering and judging and giving Mike the evil eye, so he does what you wanted him to and got out of the jacuzzi....and now you are complaining?!?! Dumb. Angelina looks at Mike and Sammi and she is seething with jealousy. She can't believe Mike got out for Sammi. Angelina interviews "You're not 'The Situation', like, you're no situation. Don't bring the girls in the first place if you like someone else." I see her point. Mike says that Sammi is backing off right now, but "The Situation has got in all under control". Sammi and Angelina go back in the house and Mike gets back in the jacuzzi. Oh dang!

Sammi and Angelina go in the house and let Jenni know what's going on. The girls in the jacuzzi ask the guys to go back to their house and the guys are trying to decide what to do. Mike interviews "'The Situation' is going to be indescribable. You can't even describe the situation that you're about to get into the situation." WTF? Sammi and Angelina are telling Jenni that the girls are all 20 and Pauly is 29!! Angelina interviews that it makes the guys look like "typical jerk offs". Jenni comes in from having a smoke (I assume from the smoker's voice she's got going on) and tells the guys not to disrespect the girls - the girls aren't "going out and grabbing 3 d-----bags off the street and bringing 'em back here." Vinny is incredulous "This is the Jersey Shore. What do you expect us to do? Play with each other the whole time?"

Jenni interviews that she can't believe a 29 year old would make out with 3 20 year olds. Really? I can totally believe it. The girls from the jacuzzi are downstairs and wondering where the guys are. One of the girls walks in the front door and Angelina, Sammi and Jenni tell her to get out. Angelina tells them to close the door and "don't let it hit you on the ass on the way out." So the girls close the door and yell "Bitches!" as they leave. Angelina gets up and yells at them from the door "we don't slam doors in this house. All the whores, shut up!" You tell 'em, Angie!

Meanwhile, Nicole has been lying in her bed playing with her split ends and feeling sorry for herself. Her narcissistic self is convinced that all the yelling about "skanks" "hos" and "sluts" is about HER.

Angelina and Ronnie get into it because he can't understand why the girls are creating drama. He can't understand why they went up there to watch in the first place. He has a point. Angelina tells him maybe they should bring some respectable girls to the house, with class, not these trashy skanks. Um, you're at the Jersey shore...good luck finding those "respectable girls with class". The following fight occurs:

Ronnie: How do you judge who's classy or not?
Angelina: Um...HELLO?? Are you f-ing STUPID?? They're taking their underwear off in the F-ing jacuzzi. Are you dumb? That's classy? NO. Shut up.
Ronnie: Don't tell me to shut up. This is my f-ing house, too.
Angelina: Close your mouth, then.
Ronnie: I can open my mouth when I wanna f-ing open my f-ing mouth. This is why I told the guys not to bring those girls into the house. I knew you were all gonna bitch.

He's right. But this all comes down to Sammi and Mike. Yes, Angelina (or Jolie as the guys are now calling her) and Ronnie are fighting about Mike telling Sammi he liked her and then bringing skanks into the house. Mike and Sammi are feeling a little uncomfortable because other people are having a fight about them. Weird. Mike interviews that he feels a little weird because he was vibin' with Sammi and now he doesn't know. Angelina tells Mike (directly) that he shouldn't say he likes someone and then bring home skanks. Mike wants to know why everyone is linking him to Sammi when nothing has happened and they are just roommates right now. Ronnie: "Because your head is so far up her ass, you can see out her f-ing mouth, bro." HAHAHAH!!! Called out by the meathead! Awesome.

Jennie chimes in and tells Mike that he shouldn't bring dirty girls home. Mike says that he didn't. Jennie asks Vinny if Mike put his lips on another girl. Mike and Sammi are looking at one another and Mike is shaking his head and mouthing "no". Vinny shakes his head and says "Yes". Ok, I think Vinny meant to SAY no and nod. Dumbass. Mike gets pissed and denies kissing any of the girls. They didn't film him kissing anyone. So who knows?

Mike says that he and Sammi were vibing but he doesn't know what's going on now. He doesn't care because he says he can have his choice of anyone at the shore...except Sammi if she disses you. "Don't hate the player, hate the game, baby."

Nicole is packing. She insists that she's leaving tomorrow. She calls her dad and tells him that she got wasted on the first night and now feels isolated from the others and wants to come home. He tells her to stick with it. She goes in her room and starts packing. Ronnie comes in and asks her what she's doing and she says she's leaving. The girls come in and try to talk her out of leaving. I think it's awesome that she thinks they were all talking about her when they were talking about the skanks. Heh. It's not always about YOU, Snooki! She's being ignored and she doesn't know how to deal with that. So, she's going home...or is she? We'll find out in Part 2, Episode 2.

Real Housewives OC, Season Five - Episode 4

Last time on Real Housewives, Jeanna left the show and Alexis joined.

VICKI

The son of Vicki's insurance colleague is coming to the OC from Indianapolis to stay with her for the weekend. It appears Vicki set this up so the son, Chris, could meet Briana. This is not going to be good. I'm so glad I have a mother who stays out of my personal life and would NEVER do this to me. Vicki says that Briana needs this because she's sad and didn't expect her life with Colby would end. Briana is outside washing the car and tells us that she was with Colby for 6 years and expected to marry him and spend the rest of her life with him. All of a sudden, this 17 year old girl comes out of nowhere and Colby dumps Briana. Ouch. That sucks. I like Briana. She seems like a really good kid.

Briana interviews that her mom has always been very controlling. What? Vicki?? No way. Briana says that Vicki has been trying to set Briana up for over a year - ever since she and Colby broke up. This is the first guy that Briana has agreed to meet so it should be interesting. I'll say. Briana says that her mom gave her Chris's number when Vicki met him to encourage the two of them to communicate before he came out to visit. So Briana and Chris have been texting each other for a little while.

Vicki and Chris walk in and he looks a lot like Colby. He's cute. He walks up to Briana and starts to shake her hand and she calls him out on trying to shake hands and gives him a hug. Ahhh. So cute. He was nervous and didn't want to seem too forward. [Sidenote - My boyfriend did the same thing on our first date. We had been emailing and talking for a month. I went in for a hug and he held out his hand. Awkward. I love teasing him about it. He gets so embarrassed.]
Wow. Briana has on a bikini and a "cover up" but the sisters are on display. She's nervous and introduces Chris to her dog. Briana shows him to his room which Vicki tells us is nowhere near Briana's room. Vicki wants them to like each other and get together, but NO SEX. Chris is sweet. He got Briana a COLTS T-Shirt. Briana goes to show Vicki and Vicki yells "WOOHOO". I think Vicki and Mary Murphy (from So You Think You Can Dance) are related.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen goes to Michigan to see Jeff's kids. They found a place to spread Jeff's ashes and it's really important to her to be there. She hasn't seen the kids since Jeff's funeral, so she's headed out to see them. She wants to keep a relationship with the kids since they are her only connection to Jeff. Gretchen is in Michigan with the kids and they are having a BBQ. Gretchen says that she's stayed in constant contact with the kids but hasn't been able to spend physical time with them. The kids have gotten into some trouble since their dad passed away. Jake has a restricted driver's license for too many tickets and Jill's on probation for a DUI. Gretchen tells us that it's normal for them to act out and that Tamra's accusations have really upset them. Sure, Gretchen, blame it on TAMRA! Jill says that the negative press about Gretchen has upset her because it not only insults Gretchen, but it insults her dad as well. Jake shows off his new tattoo. It's a tattoo on his left shoulder blade of his father's face and says "in loving memory of Jeff Paul Beitrel". Gretchen says being around the kids and keeping in contact with them keeps Jeff alive in her heart.

VICKI

Vicki is having a BBQ for Chris. Tamra and her family, some of Vicki's colleagues, and some of Michael's friends are all coming to the BBQ. Vicki tells Tamra that she thinks it's going well with Chris and Briana. Vicki agrees that Chris kind of looks like Colby a little bit. Weird. I think that's creepy. My current boyfriend looks NOTHING like my exes and I look NOTHING like my boyfriend's exes. I think that would creep me out. Briana says that he just got there and it's only been a few hours, but he's great and he gets along well with her family. Tamra says that it's a little awkward to fly someone out from another state just to meet your daughter, but if it works out, that's great! HAHA.

Apparently Ryan, Tamra's son, and Simon, Tamra's husband, have not spoken in 6 months. 6 months ago, Simon and Tamra went to LA for the weekend and Ryan used Tamra's car and doesn't have a driver's license. Ryan should not have been driving Tamra's car, but Simon went ballistic and totally overreacted. Ryan shows up at the BBQ and Tamra tells Vicki that Simon didn't know Ryan was coming. Tamra goes outside to say hi to Ryan. Simon explains that the cars are in his name and if Ryan had gotten into an accident with a suspended license, Simon could get sued. Simon would like an apology.

All the big kids (including Ryan and Michael) are shotgunning beers. Is that what it's called?? I feel so old right now. You know when you puncture a hole in the bottom of a can of beer and chug the beer? Is that called "shotgunning" it? I don't know. It's like a mini beer bong. Anyhow, Simon gets annoyed and tells them that they shouldn't be drinking around the kids. Sophia, Tamra and Simon's young daughter is in the big pool with all the big kids and Tamra and Simon tell her to get out and move over by the smaller kids. I see their point. It's a little irresponsible to drink in a pool around small kids. Simon is very stubborn. He tells Tamra that all it takes is an apology and he will talk to Ryan again. He's not talking to Ryan until he gets that. Um, who's the adult here? I mean, I get it, but Simon should just ask for an apology. Ryan is a spoiled brat, but still. This is dumb. This is such a power struggle. OMG!! Tamra asks if she brings Ryan over and he apologizes, will this all be over? Simon says not to do it here and that it has to be an apology on FACEBOOK!! OMG. This is getting worse by the second. Tamra looks at him like he's an idiot, which he is. Simon says that all the emails were on FACEBOOK, so that's where he has to apologize. This is all about control. So dumb. Tamra tells us that Ryan wrote "My mother's husband can go F*** himself" on his FB page. This is so ridiculous. YOU ARE ADULTS!!! Simon tells Tamra that no matter what happens, Ryan will always be his son. Tamra says that Simon acts like he doesn't even like Ryan. Simon tells Tamra that she's always bailing Ryan out and making Simon do stuff to smooth things over. Simon says that Ryan would be in a much better place if she would just let Simon take over. I understand that Simon is more of a disciplinarian and tougher. It's just hard when it's a 21 year old stepson. You need to be careful. Ryan is NOT going to love Simon unconditionally because he's not his father.

Tamra is crying. She says that she just wants them to get along. Simon tells Tamra if that's what she wants then she needs to put her foot down with Ryan and stop doing stuff for him. She needs to tell Ryan to stop the bullshit and respect Simon because he's done a lot for Ryan. She needs to tell Ryan to apologize and just put her foot down. I agree with Simon here. I can imagine how frustrating it must be for Simon to do SO MUCH for his wife's ADULT son and constantly get disrespected. Simon let Ryan live with them (as an adult), he moved Ryan into his own apartment, he got him a job. Ryan constantly bashes Simon and is just really immature. Don't get me wrong, Simon has his faults. I think Simon is super controlling and arrogant, but he has a point on this issue.

ALEXIS

Alexis and Jim are having lunch at the Balboa Bay Club & Resort. Alexis tells us that she and Jim have been married for four years and have 3 children. She says that Jim has never changed a diaper in his life. Maybe a wet diaper but NEVER a poopy diaper. She says "It's fine. He's my king. Whatever." So many things to say. That is ridiculous. He's such a creepy, sleezy-looking troll. It's disgusting to me that he thinks it's beneath him to change dirty diapers for HIS kids. That being said, Alexis has TWO NANNIES. I doubt she's changed that many diapers, either.

Alexis tells Jim that Vicki leaves Friday for her trip to Greece for her birthday. Jim tells Alexis that he would never LET Alexis go to Greece by herself. Alexis says she doesn't think Jim would buy her a trip to Greece for her birthday, either. Jim says that he already took Alexis to Greece once. Then he asks her what she did today. She says she went for a run but didn't make it to a class. He says that her schedule is grueling: Workout, nails, hair. She claims that she didn't do anything with hair or nails today OR yesterday. Alexis interviews that she struggles with the balance between taking care of herself and being self absorbed. HAHAHA. She says her hair, face and tan all need maintenance and the rest is all about the kids...oh and working out. This couple is so amusing to me. I guess some women are totally content being completely under their husband's control as long as they have nannies and money for superficial and material "things". I don't understand these women.

Alexis is VERY cautious about what she eats because she wants to look her best for Jim. She tells us that infidelity is one of the biggest reasons people get divorced. (Money is the number one reason, fyi) Alexis says that there are a lot of beautiful women out there so she needs to look her best all the time and treat Jim like a king so he doesn't cheat on her. Alexis!! YOU ARE SO DUMB. I have a low tolerance for stupid people.

Jim gave her a 7 carat diamond necklace that is so big and over the top. It has all of the initials of the kids in caligraphy. I get it. It's awesome to get expensive gifts from your husband. But this scene is so ridiculous. He gave it to her to so she would wear it and people would know her husband makes a lot of money. He told her it was 7 carats about 5 times. She is excited to receive it so she can wear it and show people that she's wealthy. No one buys something that obnoxious because it's meaningful and sentimental. They buy it to show off to other people. People like Jim and Alexis make me sad. Mostly for the kids. Thank GOD those kids are being raised by nannies who have a work ethic and real values.

LYNNE

Lynne and her family are now in their new home in Laguna. The home is very contemporary and Lynne is happy that all her things are fitting into the new house. What's not fitting in? Her kids. They are acting out. Lynne and her husband hired a "therapist" to talk to the girls and help improve the family's relationship. Raquel is resisting this therapist. She says that she thinks they already have a great relationship and that she communicates really well.

Vanessa Van Petten tells us she is a "Youthologist" which is code for "24 year old with limited education who likes to talk to teens". Vanessa meets with Lynne and her husband first to get an idea of what's going on. They tell her that the kids aren't being as open with them and they want the kids to feel like they can tell them anything.

Vanessa meets the girls. Vanessa tells the girls that she wrote a book when she was in high school so she likes to talk to teens about being a teenager. Um, what? First up is Raquel who is not really open to this whole thing. She interviews that she thinks it's random that her parents brought this author in to talk to them about being a teenager since she's pretty sure she knows how to be a teenager.

Raquel says that she had a great relationship with her parents until she turned 13 and started experimenting with drugs, alcohol, sneaking out, etc. Her parents get disappointed when she does these things, but she thinks they are normal things that teens do. Vanessa asks Raquel what she would do if money wasn't an issue. Raquel says she loves to draw so Vanessa tells her that next time she comes, she wants to see Raquel's drawings and encourages her to start drawing more.

Next up, Alexa. Alexa tells Vanessa that she feels like she's in a cage. She just gets to watch her older sister go out and have fun and do the things that she wants to be doing. Then she says that her mom is so busy and always on her phone. Alexa feels like she's not being heard. She says that she and her mom used to be close but in the last couple of years, she feels like the person on the side. She can't seem to connect with her mom or talk to her anymore. Alexa really wants to work on bonding with her mom again. Vanessa says that before they meet again, she'd like Alexa and her mom to do something together...just the two of them.

They all go back in a room and Frank tells his daughters that they asked Vanessa here because they care about the girls. They don't want to hurt them or punish them or anything like that. They just want things to be better. He's a good dad. Lynne says that she knows Alexa thinks she's over-protective and Alexa says that when Raquel was her age, she got to do so much more. Maybe that's the problem, Alexa. Raquel had no rules and went out all night and partied and now she's a 19 year old who barely graduated and has no ambition.

VICKI

Briana makes Chris some eggs for breakfast. She tells us that they were talking a lot in the beginning when he first arrived to try and get to know each other, but it's kind of died down a little bit. Briana is watching Chris eat and they are having AWKWARD conversation. Then she asks what he wants to do today. He says he wants to see L.A. and Briana says she HATES L.A. I hear you, Briana. I hate L.A., too, but if I have a guest in town from Indiana, I'd suck it up and show him around. I took my friend, Liz, from Michigan to L.A. for a week because she'd never been and wanted to go. Suck it up! Then he says he likes sushi and Briana says she doesn't eat sushi. Again, SUCK IT UP! They have cooked stuff at sushi restaurants. jeez. So Briana says she'll take him to see her new hospital (she's a nurse) in Newport Beach. Ooooh, fun. Ugh.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen goes to see Jill's newly purchased condo. Gretchen was worried about Jill buying a condo because Jill didn't even know how to do laundry. But now that she's seen it, she's really proud of Jill. Jill likes having Gretchen around because she gives her advice about homeownership - since Jill went into it blindly and with an inheritance check, I'm sure. Gretchen asks if Jill's going to get a job in the summer and Jill says no. She's turning 21 and doesn't want to get a job. Gretchen tells her she should get a job. Hey Gretchen, take your own advice!! Gretchen turns her attention to Jill's boyfriend, David. She tells him that she doesn't know that much about him. David goes to Michigan State and studies Finance. Jill thinks it's "cute" that Gretchen is finding out more about her boyfriend.

VICKI

Briana and Chris are getting frozen yogurt. Briana asks if they have places like his in Indianapolis and Chris says no. Then...silence. Awkward. Briana interviews that she would ask him questions and he wouldn't reciprocate so it was weird. She says that awkward first dates end after a few hours, but their date lasted three days...awkward. This whole scene is just uncomfortable. Chris interviews that things are going really well. Of course he does.

GRETCHEN

Jake, Jill and Gretchen are at Jeff's grave. There are tears, but the three of them got some closure. Jill tells us that she has talked to Gretchen about Slade and that her dad would want Gretchen to move on. What's she supposed to say? It's all very weird.

VICKI

Vicki, Donn, Michael, Briana and Chris are all at dinner at Picante since it's Chris's last night in the OC. Briana says that the situation is now uncomfortable. She says she needs an instant spark or connection with someone she's dating and she just doesn't feel that with Chris. Briana says that she'll never let her mom do this again. Maybe a dinner date, but not a weekend date. It's really too much.

TAMRA

Tamra is getting ready to host a "WIGGED" out housewife Bonko party. I've never played Bonko, but I always hear about groups of women playing it. Is it fun? Tamra has a purple wig on. Tammy (ex housewife from Season 2?) arrives in a white wig. Quinn from Season 3 (??) arrives in a white wig also. Alexis and Lynne show up in blonde wigs. Tamra starts to go over the rules of the game and, it's either super complicated or Tamra can't explain it properly because it makes NO SENSE. No one is really following her...I couldn't even follow her (of course, it could be all the wine I've had, but I doubt it). Oh, I see, it's drinking Bonko or "Dronko". HA! Alexis is being really competitive and Lynne is feeling a intimidated and sits quietly looking clueless. All the ladies had fun and got drunk and crazy!

Next day, Tamra and Ryan meet for lunch. Ryan orders a shot of patron and a beer with his lunch. Tamra is concerned that he's drinking too much and Ryan says he's not drinking that much at all. Yeah, because who doesn't take a shot when they're having lunch with their mother? Apparently, he recently broke his foot in three places while jumping off a tour bus when he was drunk. Eek. He's receiving disability but only until the end of the month. Tamra tells him to start looking for a job. Ryan is currently living with Tamra's mother. Tamra interviews that Simon will not allow Ryan to enter their house until Ryan apologizes. She says it's really hard because they have family events and Ryan won't come.

When Ryan got his license suspended, the judge offered 5 days in jail OR community service. Ryan opted for community service. BUT, it has turned out to be quite the pain in the ass, so he changed it to 5 days in jail. Tamra is stunned and clearly upset. Ryan says it's not prison or anything; he'll just show up, hang out and leave. Ryan tells Tamra not to make it a big deal about it, because it's not. Tamra says that it IS a big deal. Ryan says it's not prison and he's not going to jail for killing someone or drugs or anything. He tells Tamra to look at the positive side of it. Tamra says that there's nothing positive about to going to jail. I agree with Tamra. Who wants their kid to go to jail?? Even if it's only for 5 days?! Ryan is dumb.

Ryan tells her to relax and Tamra says that she's more concerned that this is where Ryan is in his life. She needs to know that he's done with this. I think she means the screwing around and getting into trouble. She tells him that the one thing she always said about Ryan was "he's never been to jail." Can't say that anymore, Tamra. He keeps smiling and drinking his beer and Tamra looks so disappointed and still a little stunned. I feel bad for her. Ryan is such a little shit. Tamra interviews that she feels guilty and she just wants to see him succeed.

See you next week!!

The City, Season Two, Episode 23

Last time on The City: Olivia was a bitch, Roxy ruined Whit's dress and Kelly was awesome.

People's Revolution. Kelly calls Whit into her office. She tells Whit that since she and Roxy went to Bergdorf Goodman and showed Whit's sketches, Kelly sent the "look book" to Bergdorf as a courtesy. The VP from Bergdorf called Kelly and told her that she liked the book. So Kelly tells Whit that she needs to do a presentation for Bergdorf and get a few models to show some of the looks. Kelly says it's important for her to be there and it's important for Whit to do this on her own. Whit says "So you don't think that Roxy should be there?" WHY WHIT? Why would you even bring up Roxy in this conversation. So DUMB. Kelly tells Whit that it would be a very bad idea to have Roxy there. Kelly explains that this is business and Bergdorf Goodman is the most important department store in the world. It's make it or break time. Translation: You cannot afford to have Roxy fuck it up in any way!

OPENING CREDITS

"Everything on the Line"

Elle Magazine. Erin goes into the room with Brynn and tells her that she needs everything packed up because they have to head to the Today Show. Brynn says that she noticed that Erin didn't have anything that she and Olivia picked out. Erin says that she's not using anything that Olivia picked and that she went ahead and pulled the looks herself. Brynn asks if Olivia knows and Erin tells her not to worry about it and that it doesn't matter. Ouch.

People's Revolution. Roxy assumes that she's going with Whit to the presentation and asks what Whit wants her to say. Whit tells her that Kelly doesn't want Roxy to go. Roxy decides to go and talk to Kelly. WTF? Just stay out of it Roxy. It's Whit's design collection. Do your own thing! Roxy says that she works really hard so why shouldn't she be there. Kelly says that she thinks Whit should have a trained salesperson there. Roxy says that it's frustrating when she's punished for exhibiting the same qualities that Kelly has. Kelly says that she and Roxy do have some similar qualities. BUT Kelly says that it would be better for Whit to have a professional salesperson to answer questions instead of standing there like "Lucy and Ethel". HA! Then she starts throwing out sales terms and asks if Roxy knows what any of the terms mean. She doesn't wait for a response and says "I don't think that you do." She thinks Whit should bring someone who knows what the f*** they're doing. Roxy says that Whit asked her to go. Kelly says that Whit is a big girl and if she wants Roxy there, then she should go with her. Then Kelly says "I've had enough of this for the day. You can go now." Roxy tries to say something and Kelly interrupts "Get the f*** out. I'm done. Good-bye." Awesome. I love Kelly Cutrone.

The Today Show. Joe Zee is talking to Olivia and he's asking her what she worked on. Olivia says that she worked on "evening out" and "a night on the town". Joe asked if they are using her "looks" and Olivia says she doesn't think so. Erin walks up and Joe asks if she needs Olivia to help get any of the models dressed and Erin says NO. Erin asks if Olivia will go over the looks with her. Erin asks Olivia if she understands why they didn't use Olivia's looks and what she was looking for. Olivia says she's going to refrain from answering that question. Awkward.

Milk Studios. This is where Whit is doing her presentation. Roxy is there! She's placing the look book out for each person. Sami shows up right when Kelly calls to tell Whit she's not coming to the presentation. Crap! Whit says she can't freak out, she just needs to get through this. All the important Bergdorf buyers show up in black Lincoln towncars.

The Today Show. Erin tells Olivia that she has to run out for a second and asks Olivia to stay on the set. Joe Zee comes to Olivia and asks her to run through the looks for him again. He needs the head to toe looks and the price points for each of the outfits so that he knows before getting on the air. Olivia says that Erin knows that information and then stutters about what she thinks different price points are and where they are from. She has no idea. Joe is frustrated and tells Olivia to go get Erin. Olivia walks away and then...doesn't get Erin. Joe goes on air and he's asked what things cost and he says each look is under $100. He pulls it off, but you can tell he's uncomfortable.

Milk Studios. All the buyers walk in and Whit greets them and has them sit. Linda Fargo, Senior VP, Fashion Office & Store Presentation is there with Ginny Hersh-Lambert, Senior VP/General Merchandising Manager, RTW, Footwear and Handbags (I'm not sure what RTW means, but she's important) and Sunny Spencer who is Sami's boss and a buyer for Bergdorf. Whit does a brief introduction of the collection and brings out the first look. It's a multi-colored mini-skirt with an eggshell colored jacket. I don't love it and neither do Ginny Hersh and Linda Fargo. Yikes. Strike One. The second look is a stretchy off-white lacy short dress with the shoulders cut out. Hmmm. Ginny Hersh says that the fabric is "interesting" in small patches but all over the dress, it just makes the model look large. They ask if she has it in black and she says she stays away from black because no one wears black in L.A. Um, Whit honey, you're in NYC!!! Ginny tells Whit that she's running a business that caters to all women, not just women in L.A. Then, Roxy says that she wears black in L.A. Why would she say that?? Hello?! You're there for Whit not to impress the Bergdorf women. Strike Two. Whit brings out the third - and final - look. It's the strapless dress with the black bow around the top. The bottom material is a metallic light pink/peach. Linda Fargo says that she doesn't like the fabric because it looks cheap. Strike Three. Whit says that she's learning and thanks them for their time. That's it?? You only show THREE LOOKS? This whole scene is so awkward.

The Today Show. Joe tells Erin that he was really tense on air and went on not knowing what the prices were or who the designers were. Joe says that he asked Olivia and she said she didn't have the information. He asks if Erin gave her the information. Erin says "Of course. I've given her nothing but information this entire time." Hmmm, not sure that's entirely true. However, if you know someone wants to see you fail, wouldn't you do whatever you could to ensure that didn't happen?? Erin is shocked that Olivia didn't know any of the prices or who the designers were. Erin says that Olivia needs to be gone and fired. Joe asks if Erin prepped Olivia because it's Erin's job to make sure Olivia is given the information. Erin says that she tried by the green room and Olivia wasn't interested. Erin says that it's not about personalities anymore, Olivia just doesn't care and she needs to be fired.

Olivia walks up all nonchalantly and tells Joe he did a good job. Then she calmly says that everything is bagged up and ready to go. Joe says that he's freaking out because he was so tense and he didn't now anything about prices or designers. Erin asks Olivia why she told Joe that Erin didn't give her any of the information. Olivia says that Erin didn't give her the information. Erin asks Olivia: "Did you not have THREE HOURS to learn that information and get it to Joe." Olivia dismisses the question and says that the looks were Erin's so it wasn't her thing. Erin said that they were her looks because Olivia couldn't do the job and can't understand why she just sat around for three hours and didn't learn the information. Olivia responds "Ok. Well, I'm going to head back to the office now. Everything is bagged." Joe says they'll deal with this at the office.

Roxy and Whit are walking to work and Whit says she's nervous about meeting with Kelly. Kelly told her that Linda Fargo called and wants to give Whit feedback.

Elle Magazine. Joe, Erin and Olivia are in Joe's office and he wants to know what happened at the Today Show. Olivia says that if Erin neglects to share information with her then that's Erin's problem. Erin says that it's Olivia's problem because Olivia keeps messing up and Erin keeps having to fix it. And Erin says that if she doesn't take the time during a live television shoot to sit down with Olivia and go through every single price with her, it's not Erin's problem, it's Olivia's problem. Olivia tells Joe that they can't move forward if Erin doesn't respect her. Erin says that Olivia has not given Erin any reason to respect her since she started. Erin says that she doesn't even like dealing with Olivia. Olivia says that's very clear and unfortunately, Olivia is working at this magazine so she has to deal with her. Erin says, "yeah, unfortunately." Ouch. Olivia says in order for her to do her job, Erin has to change her tone of voice with her. Erin says "or else what?"

Joe interrupts and says this isn't high school and he doesn't want to mediate. Joe looks at Olivia and says that they've been here before. He brought Olivia on board because she has a good eye, she knows fashion and people in the industry, but sometimes he wonders if she really wants to be at Elle. Olivia says of course she does. Olivia looks at Erin and asks if she wants to work with her, yes or no. Erin says she would never quit anything (Olivia says she wouldn't quit either) and that she's way harder on herself than she is on Olivia, but she expects Olivia to be the same way. Joe asks if they can no longer work together anymore. Erin says that she can't work with Olivia so it's either Erin or Olivia. The three of them just sit there and Erin leaves the room. Olivia says she doesn't know what do and doesn't want to have the same bullshit conversation that they've had 16,000 times before. Joe says "I just want to know, can you girls work together?" Um, weren't you listening to Erin? She said NO! Olivia says she doesn't know how to work with Erin. I think that's because Olivia has no work ethic. She doesn't have to work, she's a trust fund kid. She doesn't "need" this job, so she doesn't feel like she has to work hard. She's so entitled. I think that's what Erin finds frustrating. People like Erin and Brynn have to work their asses off to prove themselves so that they can keep their jobs and move up the ladder. Olivia isn't like that. She thinks she should move up because she's Olivia Palermo. Annoying.

People's Revolution. Kelly says that Linda Fargo isn't prepared to give them an answer yet. One thing she did say was that she can't buy a collection based on 10 looks and then asked if there was going to be a show. This gave Kelly an idea. Last year they went to ING (or IMG? Not sure) and asked to do three shows in one venue to give young designers an opportunity to show their stuff. It went really well, but this year one of the designers dropped out, so they have space for a designer. Kelly says that Whit could do it, but it's a leap of faith. Kelly tells Whit that it's a huge risk. If it works and does well, it would be HUGE for Whit's career. If it tanks, then Whit's career is over. Kelly says she'll take the risk with Whit because if her show sucks, Kelly is going down the drain with her. Which is not entirely true. Kelly has a super successful business. One bad show will not break her. But, I get what she's saying. Whit says she's going to make it happen.

THE END.

RW/RR Challenge: The Ruins, Episode 9

It's been a couple of weeks. Last time, Brad and Darrell were thrown out for fighting. Susie and Kim are in the Ruins, let's find out who wins...

THE RUINS

Susie and Kim are still doing "ragdoll". It's raining. They trying to pull the rope out of each other's hands. They are bloody and look like they are in pain. Susie FINALLY gets it away from Kim. SUSIE WINS.

Next up is Bananas and Dunbar. They are so rough. Bananas finally pulls it away from Dunbar. BANANAS WINS. Yikes, Challengers are: KA, Sarah and Casey.

Kenny tells us that when he looks at his team, he sees 2 guys and a girl who he's won a challenge with before. And when he looks at the Challengers, he sees "a lying slut, a goth chick and ... Casey."

KA thinks she'll beat Susie in the Ruins so she wants to go in next time.

Back at the house...Kenny and Evan keep terrorizing Sarah. Sarah still has a thing for Kenny, but he's NOT interested. So he totally makes fun of her and disrespects her and she just says she knows he's joking. Well, I suppose under these circumstances, it's best to just hold your head high and ignore it rather than fly into a drunken rage like all the others.

Bananas is trying to sabotage Susie. He claims that she threw all these missions in the last Challenge game and that she doesn't care about this Ruins. Susie and Bananas are arguing and Susie is denying any betrayals - past or present - and reminds Bananas that she made it to the end before!

Bananas is stirring the pot and telling Evan and Derrick that Susie has done NOTHING to show she wants to be there and that she's played this way before. WTF? That's bullshit. Susie has totally been a team player...that's why she's still there! HELLO? Bananas is desperate. He's the one who's expendable on that team. Bananas says that Susie has to go. Evan tells us that their only chance is to throw the next challenge so that KA can take Susie out in the Ruins. Seriously??? Now you guys are listening to BANANAS??? C'mon Derrick. Don't get sucked in.

Susie interviews that she feels that the game has gotten really shady. She says "If you can't beat a team of girls, then you have more problems than just me being on your team." She has a point. However, the real issue is whether SUSIE can beat the team of girls. Because if Susie doesn't make it to the finish line, the other team wins.

Kenny keeps making fun of Sarah. He tells Sarah that she looks like "Martha Dumptruck" in her outfit. HAHA. The teasing is starting to get to Sarah. Susie goes to talk to Sarah. Susie tells us that Sarah's feelings are getting hurt because the teasing is mean, but that Sarah loves Kenny so much, she's willing to tolerate the abuse. Awful. Kenny sucks. Sarah is crying to Susie and Susie is trying to build up her confidence. Evan comes out to the pool and gives Sarah a flower. It's a nice gesture and he interviews that Sarah loves the attention, but now that she's upset, he feels bad because they never wanted to hurt her feelings. I think Kenny and Evan are just super immature. I think they like to push and push until people reach their breaking points and THEN they say they didn't mean it. Evan tells Sarah that they all really love her and don't mean to hurt her.

Susie wants to know why Bananas is now shit-talking her. She tells us that Bananas is all about "the team, the team, the team" until...it negatively affects him and then it becomes all about him. She asks Evan what the problem is and that she's not going to keep doing the right thing if she's going to get screwed. Then Evan says if they fight fire with fire, Susie and Bananas will BOTH look stupid. Susie says "Yeah, but I look stupid with $40,000". Evan interviews: "In a final challenge, it's about your weakest link. I think it's fair to say that Susie would be our slowest player. And how much do we need her here for that? It's a money thing, it's a greed thing, it's a sexist thing, it's a mean thing." Well, he's right. It's a game. But it totally sucks. I really like Susie.

Bananas is still on his "Get Rid of Susie" campaign. He tells Evan "She's not a team player at all. She's in it for Susie. Bananas says that Susie is slow and that KA and Sarah are quick. He says it comes down to "You're only as good as your slowest player. She's f-ing slow." WHAT is Bananas talking about?? She's there BEST female player. That's why she's still there. She's gone into The Ruins 3 times and won every time. Bananas tells us that he's worried about having Susie around at the end and he doesn't want her around. He says that she can't assist other people and she can't pull her own weight. Whatever. Bananas is a d-bag. Evan interviews "Johnny wants to throw the challenge. He wants to throw the challenge, allow the other team to put in KA and take out Susie."

Kenny is still terrorizing Sarah. Now he's wearing her swim cap and teases "who wears a swim cap?" Um, SWIMMERS do, Kenny. If you are a REAL swimmer, then you wear a swim cap. What a meathead. Sarah answers "I don't know...anyone who swims competitively!" Absolutely. Dumbass. He teases that she's not Michael Phelps and Sarah fights back. Sarah: "Why is it so difficult for you not to be a jackass? I hope your mother watches this and knows what a fucking asshole you are to girls. Does she raise you to treat women like this?" Kenny interviews "Hold on sweetheart. You're not prepared to play this game. So you should chill out, take a step back and realize who you're playing with." Kenny walks out calling Sarah a "slut". She hit him where it hurt...his mother. Guy's got issues.

Sarah and Susie are talking about the challenge. Susie tells Sarah that Bananas wants the guys to throw the challenge so KA can take Susie out in The Ruins. Susie interviews that she's not sure what's going to happen but she doesn't want to go up again KA in The Ruins. Susie says "KA isn't a human, she's a fembot and could clearly beat me 'cuz I'm a mortal." ha.

THE CHALLENGE

No nominations because it's obvious. No guy Ruins and it's Susie against any of the three Challengers.

The Game: "Wall Walker". There are two walkways extended out at the top of a 20 story building. They are connected by a slanted ramp and there are 3 vases with a rose in each of them on the top of the ramp. Each player will run up the ramp grab a rose from each vase (if they can) and put it in the vase at the end of their team's runway. Challengers have to pick two people to go twice since there are 5 people on the other team. Evan says that it'll be Sarah and KA because Evan says "We all know Casey doesn't climb, walk, chew gum or fart at the same time." Ha. The team with the most flowers in their vase wins.

Casey is crying to Evan that she doesn't like this stuff because she's scared of heights. Sarah is first. The ramp is really steep. Sarah gets all three flowers in the vase. KA goes next and she gets three flowers. Sarah is up again and she gets 3 more. Evan interviews that these girls are making it look easy and doing awesome and that Champions might lose this. Dumb. KA goes next and slips off the ramp, so 0 flowers. Now, it's Casey's turn...and she sucks. She crawls halfway up and then comes down and gives up. They ask what she's doing and Casey cries "I'm taking this (the helmet) off, what does it look like?" TJ says that it looks like she's having a temper tantrum and tells her she's disqualified. Challengers = 9 roses.

Now, the Champions. Derrick says that in order to throw the challenge, three of the guys need to screw up and it's not him. Derrick gets 3 flowers. Bananas is up next and he says that they just need to get less than 9 flowers. He gets all three flowers and put them in his mouth. Then as he's coming down, they "fall" out of his mouth. He says if you drop a few flowers, it looks like an accident and people feel embarrassed for you. Susie is annoyed. But now she's up and she gets 3 more flowers for her team. Kenny doesn't think it's worth it to throw the challenge so he gets 3 flowers for the team. They will at least be tied. Evan is next and he...doesn't throw the challenge. Champions = 12 roses. Champions win!! Kenny and Evan's egos outweigh any "alliance" they have with Bananas. Heh. Evan says that he promised Susie he wouldn't throw the challenge. He asks "Why do we have to screw over the girl at the very end?" That's what they did to Paula Walnuts. I'm glad he's learned SOMETHING. I just hope Susie pulls it off during the final challenge.

TJ tells the Champions, since Susie is the only girl, she gets to choose her opponent in The Ruins. Susie says that she's not much of a gambler, so she's picking Casey. Bananas says this is the second challenge where Susie basically slacks off the whole time and gets her way in the end. WHAT is he talking about??? Seriously! She's done well the whole time, she's kicked ass in The Ruins. Why is he such a d-bag? He should have told the guys that he likes Susie but that it doesn't make sense to have her at the end because Sarah and KA are strong. The way he went about it was ALL WRONG. He tried to bash her to get the guys to side with him and they just saw it as mean. If he had explained his reasoning behind getting Susie kicked out and throwing the challenge, the guys might have sided with him.

The Champion boys are talking and Bananas says the problem with these guys is they only think about short term gain. Bananas tells the guys that it's not the guys against KA & Sarah, it's Susie against KA and Sarah. See? He should have used this tactic BEFORE the challenge. Kenny says that they will be doing most of the work and dragging her across the finish line. Kenny tells us that he's just as worried about Bananas as he is about Susie because he can't have Bananas flipping out and screaming at Susie the whole time.

Susie is venting to Sarah. She asks Sarah "If you were Bananas and you thought I was the biggest loser ever, wouldn't you keep it to yourself until the very end?" Sarah agrees and says yes, especially since Susie is on his team. Susie doesn't understand what kind of strategy he's employing to totally insult someone who could help him win $30K.

THE RUINS

The game: "Muay Thai". There's a row of 17 bamboo poles on each side. They have to kick and break each one of the bamboo poles and ring the gong as fast as possible. What? That's the most ridiculous Ruins ever. Anyone could do this. Casey tells us she actually has a shot. Susie says that she has a lot of money to lose so she has to win. Plus, if she loses to Casey, she "might as well curl up in the fetal position and die." Casey is feeling confident because this is a challenge she could potentially win.

Ready...GO! Susie easily walks down the path kicking and breaking each bamboo pole. She walks up and hits the gong while Casey is still in the middle of the path. SUSIE WINS!

The guys are talking and Evan says they have to pump Susie up because they are relying on her to win the final challenge. Evan says: "We got an ex fat kid (Kenny - wow, that explains A LOT!), a father (derrick), an asshole (Bananas), a Canadian (Evan) and a married lady (What? Susie is married?) versus a Fembot and a poet." I love Evan sometimes. He's funny. Evan tells the guys to put the bullshit aside and go get some cash!

See you next week for the finale!!