I've been dreading this recap since I saw this on Thursday. It is NO JOKE. MTV did a 2 hour premiere which is essentially the first two episodes of the show. I've been dreading it because there is just SO MUCH material. Let's get started...
Let me begin by saying that MTV lucked out on this one. This is Real World Jersey Shore. The difference is that MTV didn't have to pimp out a house for these guidos & guidettes (or wannabe guidos & guidettes - yes, I know, but some people actually aspire to be this). Apparently, when you spend your summer at "the shore", you live in a "Share House" - 6-10 people renting out a place for the summer. It's akin to getting a cabin in Tahoe for the Winter with a bunch of people. The difference is that the people in the Share House are there ALL SUMMER LONG and the people who stay in these Share Houses are like no one you've ever met and unbelievable. So all MTV had to do was rent a Share House and send 8 of the most ridiculous kids from Jersey there and BAM...you've got a show.
[DISCLAIMER: I use the terms "guido" and "guidette" in this recap - and expect future ones also - because this is what these people call themselves. I mean no disrespect or offense, I'm simply using the terminology that they have chosen. I actually thought it was an insult or offensive, but MTV didn't "bleep" it out and these people proudly refer to themselves this way.]
The Guidos and Guidettes:
PAULY D: Pauly is from Rhode Island and tells us when guidos stop their cars, the "chrome keeps spinnin'" (on their wheels). Pauly was born and raised "guido" and tells us it's what being Italian is all about. It's about representin' family, friends, tanning, culture, etc. He has a tanning bed in his house because he's so serious about "being guido and living up to that lifestyle". He also keeps gel companies in business. He has a stock of gel (so he never runs out ) and he's taking it all with him. Pauly's tagline is: I'm your girl's favorite DJ. Pauly says that he wants "all the guidettes to *** in their pants when they hear my music." Class act, this guy. (We later discover that he's 29 years old!!) He doesn't try to take a guy's girlfriend, but it just happens. He can't help it. It takes Pauly about 25 minutes to do his hair everyday but it comes out perfect everytime. "When I hit the shore, everyone's gonna see a new guido. Every girl loves the new guy."
NICOLE "Snookie": Some of these cats have nicknames. I think that's big on the East Coast - well, in the guido/guidette circles at least. Nicole is from Poughkeepsie, NY. She's about 4 feet tall and very curvy. Her black hair is LONG and she kind of looks like a short, fat version of Christina Aguilera in her black hair, tan skin phase. This girl is like an Oompa Loompa. No joke. Nicole: "I wanna married a guido. My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey and find a "juiced", hot, tan guy and live my life." I mean, you can't make this stuff up. She starts doing a little dance and sings "I love guidos, yeah!" She's walking down the street with her friends, yelling "I like tan guys with muscles!" Wow.
MIKE "The Situation": This guido is from Manalapan, NJ. His abs are so awesome that they are "The Situation". They look great, but it's a little weird to refer to them as "the situation". Mike tells us "A guido is a good-lookin', smooth, well dressed Italian." Mike says that girls LOVE guidos. He tells us that we can hate on him all we want but "what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo pretty much when he takes his shirt off?" I don't think I would say ANYTHING to someone who looked like that. Mike: "If I walked in the door and seen myself walk in, I'd probably grab my girl real quick."
[I'd paraphrase, but I think direct quotes give a fuller picture. :)]
SAMMI "Sweetheart": She's from Hazlet, NJ and they call her a sweetheart because "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet...but do not F*** with me." She's not looking for Mr. Right, but she is looking to hook up with a lot of "good, hot, sexy guidos." She's got standards, people. They aren't very high, but whatever. Her mission is to find the hottest guido and take him home. Sammi tells us "A guidette is someone who knows how to club it up, takes really good care of themselves, has pretty hair, cakes on make-up, has tan skin, wears the hottest heels...Pretty much, they know how to own it and rock it." Sammi finishes by saying "If you're not a guido, get the F*** outta my face." These girls are so classy.
VINNY: Vinny is from Staten Island and still lives with his Italian parents. He's a total mama's boy. He says that his ma does everything for him: cooks, cleans, laundry. He says that the guys with the fake tans, hair product and lip gloss aren't real guidos, they're "R******". He went to college (although didn't learn that using the "R" word is not acceptable) and spends time with his family. That doesn't mean he can't "fist pump" with the best of them. Then...he demonstrates. Now, some of you might be wondering, What is a "fist pump"? Well, it's exactly like it sounds. You make a fist with your hand and pump it in the air. I'm not kidding. He tells us "I'm proud to be a f*****' guido!" This is his first year at the shore. He's finally 21 and he's been waiting for this moment forever. He says it'll be hard to be away from home, but he's excited. His ENTIRE family says good-bye to him and his mom cries. I hope this guy is the group's conscience...but, I doubt it.
JENNI "JWOWW": From Long Island, she says "If you don't know me, then you hate me. And you want to be me." She also says she's like a Praying Mantis because after she has sex with a guy, she will rip their heads off. This girl is like a walking contradiction. She looks rough and has a total smoker's voice. Her hair is dyed black with white streaks. She kind of talks like a tough chick, but...she tans, wears heavy make-up and has fake boobs. I don't get it. She plays emotional games with guys and is all nice and sweet for the first month they are dating, then "I send 'em on a roller coaster to hell." A lot of girls hate on her, but they are just jealous. JWOWW has a boyfriend, but she's going to the Jersey Shore, bitches.
RONNIE: He doesn't have a nickname, but I think I'm going to give him one. His nickname will now be "Hulk" because he looks like the Incredible Hulk. He's the epitome of a Meathead. He tells us not to fall in love at the Jersey Shore and that this whole Summer is about getting laid. It's kind of funny because Ronnie has such a baby face. It's like this sweet little boy head on the body of a huge meathead. He says that the bank account may be low, but you always have to make a good impression: new sneakers, fresh haircut, gym body. He packs the essentials: huge tub of gel, two bottles of cologne and a vat of protein mix for shakes.
ANGELINA: She doesn't have a nickname yet, but this Staten Island girl will soon be going by "Jolie". UGH. She tells us right away that she's the "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby." Hmmm. Is that a good thing? She says she's all natural: real boobs and a nice, fat ass. "I mean, c'mon, I'm hot." wow. If she doesn't look good, she doesn't leave the house. She doesn't go out looking for guys, they usually just come up to her. She has a boyfriend and says that this a test for them to see if he can trust her. If not, C'YA LATER! She wants to show everyone in the house what it's like "to be a real guidette."
It begins.
"A New Family"
Everyone is driving to the shore and to the new house. Vinny tells us that there's nowhere else in the world like the Jersey shore. If he's talking about the people, I completely believe him. Mike says that people will look at him and say "Oh shoot. That's the situation right there. Yeah it is." Mike arrives first and has a look around. It's definitely not as fly as the real world houses, but they decorated it nicely. All that Jersey "charm" is present. There's a huge roof with a bunch of chairs/tables and a hot tub. It wouldn't be MTV without a hot tub. Pauly D arrives next. He's super pumped to be in Jersey and claims he's never been...well, he'll fit right in! Mike (The Situation) and Pauly D decide to bunk together and "we were thinkin', we could also bunk wit a chick." And with that...in walks Sammi Sweetheart.
When Mike sees Sammi, he thinks "DAMN" and decides he's "gonna hook up wit her". Sammi thinks Pauly D and Mike are really hot. Mike is in the room with Sammi and Pauly D and he's tryin' to convince Sammi to bunk with them. He says "'cuz I'm chill, he's chill and you seem chill" Sammi: "I'm real chill." Done. Sammi is bunking with the guys. Vinny comes in next. He is impressed with the guidos but he says that he expected hotter than Sammi. Oh, really? Hmmm. He's gotta figure out where he's going to bunk. There are two rooms for two people in each and a single left. Vinny puts his stuff in one of the double rooms but he might move it depending on who walks in next.
It's Jenni "JWOW". Vinny says all he sees are fake boobs and black hair with blonde streaks and he knows she's gonna be high maintenance, so he runs and moves his stuff into the single room. Nicole "Snooki" comes flying in next and it's hugs for everyone. Mike says she was like a spray-painted "miniature chihuahua". heh. She comes in asking if everyone's drinking and demands a shot. Next to arrive is Ronnie. Nicole says that she's totally attracted to Ronnie - "he's sexy, he's got muscles, he's a total guido." I can't figure Ronnie out. He looks like such a sweet boy, but he then when he opens his mouth, he talks about women melting in their pants when they see him and having a stripper pole in the middle of the room. It seems so weird.
They are all eager with anticipation to see who will arrive last. When Angelina walks in, she's carrying her stuff in garbage backs. Pauly D says: "In walks this girl with garbage bags. It's like ghetto and weird. What? You can't find a suitcase nowhere? No one in your family has a suitcase you can borrow?" I'll admit, for someone who's so entitled like Angelina, it does seem a little "ghetto" to carry your shit around in a garbage bag. THEN, Danny walks in. He's the owner of this party pad and he'll also be their boss for the summer. I guess they are living there in exchange for working in his T-Shirt shop. Danny gives them the lowdown on working for him...he says it'll be selling T-shirts, stocking them, cleaning, etc. Pauly D says he hopes it's not hard work because "I don't even wanna work. I'm a F-ing DJ." Apparently DJs do not work.
Danny takes off and the housemates are drinking! Nicole "Snookie" is taking many shots and is DRUNK. She tells all the roommates that she loves them. All the other roommates are laughing at how drunk she is. She is on the hot mess express for sure! She goes up to the roof and lays down on one of the futons while ranting about getting dissed by the Jersey guys in the house. Oh jeez. The rest of the roommates go up stairs to continue the party. Nicole interviews that she's used to being the center of attention and at this house, she's not. So it's hard for her. I can only imagine. She's being a drama queen and laying on the futon while the others do shots.
The boys all get into the hot tub and Nicole decides to join them. She's in her bra and thong underwear. Yikes. Vinny keeps calling her "Snickers" and it's cracking me up. Nicole is totally rubbing up against each of the guys and kissing their chests. Angelina and Sammi are sitting on a couch laughing at the trainwreck that is Nicole. Angelina tells Sammi "What is she doing, this girl?" and interviews "How do you go into a f-ing jacuzzi with a thong and a bra? Wear a thong bikini. That's a little more classier if you're gonna wear anything at all. You know what I mean." Jenni JWOW joins the hot tub mess and seems a lot more sober than Nicole which isn't hard to do because Nicole is WASTED. Nicole swims up and tries to make out with Jenni. Jenni looks away as the boys all holla. They all get out of the jacuzzi and the boys can't believe how drunk Nicole is. One of them says that she lives up to the Jersey slut name. Cut to Nicole slipping down the stairs. Ooooh. That's gonna leave a mark.
Nicole passes out in a hammock upstairs and the rest of roommates take off to check out the nightlife. (I've always wanted a hammock.) The roomies are playing carnival games while Nicole wakes up and stumbles around the house looking for them. The house has a "duck" phone - it's basically a phone that looks like a duck and quacks when it's "ringing". It starts quacking and Nicole can't figure out what the hell it is. She realizes it's a phone and decides to call her dad. The receiver of this phone also has a button at the bottom that hangs it up. So when you talk on the phone, you need to be careful not to let your chin hang it up. As soon as her dad answers, Nicole accidentally hangs up the phone, but can't figure out that she did it. She calls him back and they connect, but then she gets another call and the caller is harassing her. So she hangs up and then hangs up on her dad. She does not understand the phone. She hangs up and Jennie's boyfriend calls. Nicole tells him to hold on and then puts the receiver down, which hangs up the phone. HAHA. This is getting ridiculous. Are people really this clueless?
Angelina interviews that she thinks Mike is going to try to hook up with Sammi. She doesn't get why he would want Sammi over her. Jealous much? Ronnie interviews that Mike likes Sammi. Sammi and Mike are holding hands as the group walks through the boardwalk. Meanwhile, Nicole is still hanging up on Jenni's boyfriend. HAHA. She gets on the phone again as everyone walks through the door. Nicole tells Jenni that her boyfriend called and all the guys start hollering because she didn't say anything about having a boyfriend. Vinny says that she's a shady bitch. Really? Is it that bad? It's not like she's been making out with any of youse. (I'm starting to get into this whole Jersey culture).
Nicole wakes up the next morning and tells everyone she feels like ass. No kidding. She can't remember what she did last night...if that's true, it's a good thing. Unfortunately, MTV taped it and you, along with thousands of viewers, will get to see what you did last night. Nicole goes into the bathroom and asks Jenni to hold her hair while she throws up. WTF?? Jenni says hell no and walks out of the bathroom. The rest of the roomies are waiting to leave for orientation at the T-shirt shop while Nicole is throwing up in the bathroom. They decide that they can't be late and take off and leave her at home.
The T-shirt store is like the ones you see at Venice Beach. Huge space full of any kind of T-shirt a tourist could want. Danny notices that someone is missing right away. Nicole finally makes it out of the house and she's whining because she can't find the right T-shirt shop. In her defense, I can only imagine that there are dozens of these T-shirt shops on the boardwalk. She finds the right one and Danny takes her outside to talk. [Sidenote - WTF is up with her hair. It's super long and straight around her face. The she clips some of it back in a huge POOF on top of her head. She looks ridiculous.] Danny lectures her about being on time and she apologizes. He's going to let today slide, but next time, she's fired and out of the house. Yikes.
Nicole walks in the house and she immediately demands to know what's wrong and why is everyone acting weird towards her. They all placate her and then Sammi asks why she was late and what she was doing. Nicole just says she was in the bathroom. Sammi says she thought Nicole was "vomiting your brains out" and "I don't want your puke-y breath on me." GROSS. Sammi interviews that she doesn't want anything to do with Nicole: "I don't have time for stupid bimbos." Nicole is feeling left out. She feels like all the others got to bond while she was drunk the night before.
Sammi and Mike are cooking dinner. Pauly D enlightens us that "Girls are sposed to cook and guys are sposed to eat." BUT, Mike did his thing and cooked up some sausage and peppers. They had sausage and peppers, some chicken, some burgers and salad. They all sat at the table and Mike informs the group that "The Situation sits at the head of the table." Oh jeez. Vinny says that they decide to say a prayer like any traditional Italian family would and he cannot get through it. He starts the prayer and then busts out laughing. Jenni is pissed and interviews "If you're gonna say Grace, then say Grace." She doesn't want to hear people laughing. I'd listen to her guys, she looks like she would cut a bitch. Nicole is still feeling stupid and that everyone has this wrong impression of her so she decides to say something. Nicole: "I want to apologize to all of you if I acted like a f-ing [incoherent, but also bleeped so I'm not sure] last night, if I offended you or you got the wrong impression of me. I'm honestly, like, the sweetest girl. I get along with everybody. I just wanna have fun." They all clap and Sammi says that she really appreciated the apology. It's all good!
Mike, Ronnie and Pauly D are on the roof "fishing" for girls. Pauly D explains that they are so high on the roof that the girls walking by are like fishes and they are just fishing for chicks. They find some takers and tell the girls to come up to their place. They decide to meet them on the street in front of the house and Pauly D tells the boys that "our girls are gonna get heated" - referring to the girls in the house. Ronnie interviews that Mike and Sammi are interested in each other and "you can't bring girls into this house when you're vibin' with a chick. That's just gonna cause massive amounts of problems." The guys meet the girls and invite them up to the jacuzzi. The girls say they don't have bikinis, but the guys tell them it's not a problem. They go up and the girls go in their bras and thongs. Ewwww.
Meanwhile, Sammi and Angelina are discussing whether or not to go up there. I can understand why Sammi wants to go up. She wants to see if Mike hooks up with any of the girls. But, Angelina? Why do you want to go up? To see the guys hook up with skanks and then bitch at them?? They try to get Ronnie to come up and he says no because they are just going to start trouble. He tells them to "let them get their s*** in and that's it." Ronnie is trying to get them not to go up because it's gonna cause tension. Sammi says it won't and she and Angelina head up. Bad idea.
Sammi and Angelina arrive and Mike's getting nervous because he sees Sammi. I think Angelina is pissed because none of the guys want her. Ronnie walks upstairs with a bunch of cold beers for everyone and is shaking his head. The "skanky hos" in the jacuzzi are taking off their thongs and bras. Angelina says she had so much respect for the boys until this jacuzzi mess. She didn't think they were gonna be "typical Jersey whore guys." The boys try to recruit Ronnie, but he says he's not playing this game. One of the "skanky hos" tells him it's not a game and that it's "real life". Wow. Genius. Mike keeps eyeing Sammi and she notices. She tells Angelina "Mike's sh**ing his pants right now." She's right. He is. Mike interviews that Sammi is on "stalker mode" and Angelina is telling her "I told you so. I told you so. I told you about him." Ewww. Thongs are now coming off. Angelina wants to know how these girls can meet these guys and take off their underwear. I don't want to judge...but it is a little trashy to get naked in a hot tub with 3 random guys when you're being filmed (and not getting paid).
Pauly D dares one of the girls to kiss Mike "The Situation". Mike keeps looking over at Sammi and she's looking at him like "what are you doing?" So Mike develops a conscience and gets out of the jacuzzi. Sammi tries to pretend like she's not happy that he got out for her and tells him to do his thing. WHATEVER. You and Angelina sat there whispering and judging and giving Mike the evil eye, so he does what you wanted him to and got out of the jacuzzi....and now you are complaining?!?! Dumb. Angelina looks at Mike and Sammi and she is seething with jealousy. She can't believe Mike got out for Sammi. Angelina interviews "You're not 'The Situation', like, you're no situation. Don't bring the girls in the first place if you like someone else." I see her point. Mike says that Sammi is backing off right now, but "The Situation has got in all under control". Sammi and Angelina go back in the house and Mike gets back in the jacuzzi. Oh dang!
Sammi and Angelina go in the house and let Jenni know what's going on. The girls in the jacuzzi ask the guys to go back to their house and the guys are trying to decide what to do. Mike interviews "'The Situation' is going to be indescribable. You can't even describe the situation that you're about to get into the situation." WTF? Sammi and Angelina are telling Jenni that the girls are all 20 and Pauly is 29!! Angelina interviews that it makes the guys look like "typical jerk offs". Jenni comes in from having a smoke (I assume from the smoker's voice she's got going on) and tells the guys not to disrespect the girls - the girls aren't "going out and grabbing 3 d-----bags off the street and bringing 'em back here." Vinny is incredulous "This is the Jersey Shore. What do you expect us to do? Play with each other the whole time?"
Jenni interviews that she can't believe a 29 year old would make out with 3 20 year olds. Really? I can totally believe it. The girls from the jacuzzi are downstairs and wondering where the guys are. One of the girls walks in the front door and Angelina, Sammi and Jenni tell her to get out. Angelina tells them to close the door and "don't let it hit you on the ass on the way out." So the girls close the door and yell "Bitches!" as they leave. Angelina gets up and yells at them from the door "we don't slam doors in this house. All the whores, shut up!" You tell 'em, Angie!
Meanwhile, Nicole has been lying in her bed playing with her split ends and feeling sorry for herself. Her narcissistic self is convinced that all the yelling about "skanks" "hos" and "sluts" is about HER.
Angelina and Ronnie get into it because he can't understand why the girls are creating drama. He can't understand why they went up there to watch in the first place. He has a point. Angelina tells him maybe they should bring some respectable girls to the house, with class, not these trashy skanks. Um, you're at the Jersey shore...good luck finding those "respectable girls with class". The following fight occurs:
Ronnie: How do you judge who's classy or not?
Angelina: Um...HELLO?? Are you f-ing STUPID?? They're taking their underwear off in the F-ing jacuzzi. Are you dumb? That's classy? NO. Shut up.
Ronnie: Don't tell me to shut up. This is my f-ing house, too.
Angelina: Close your mouth, then.
Ronnie: I can open my mouth when I wanna f-ing open my f-ing mouth. This is why I told the guys not to bring those girls into the house. I knew you were all gonna bitch.
He's right. But this all comes down to Sammi and Mike. Yes, Angelina (or Jolie as the guys are now calling her) and Ronnie are fighting about Mike telling Sammi he liked her and then bringing skanks into the house. Mike and Sammi are feeling a little uncomfortable because other people are having a fight about them. Weird. Mike interviews that he feels a little weird because he was vibin' with Sammi and now he doesn't know. Angelina tells Mike (directly) that he shouldn't say he likes someone and then bring home skanks. Mike wants to know why everyone is linking him to Sammi when nothing has happened and they are just roommates right now. Ronnie: "Because your head is so far up her ass, you can see out her f-ing mouth, bro." HAHAHAH!!! Called out by the meathead! Awesome.
Jennie chimes in and tells Mike that he shouldn't bring dirty girls home. Mike says that he didn't. Jennie asks Vinny if Mike put his lips on another girl. Mike and Sammi are looking at one another and Mike is shaking his head and mouthing "no". Vinny shakes his head and says "Yes". Ok, I think Vinny meant to SAY no and nod. Dumbass. Mike gets pissed and denies kissing any of the girls. They didn't film him kissing anyone. So who knows?
Mike says that he and Sammi were vibing but he doesn't know what's going on now. He doesn't care because he says he can have his choice of anyone at the shore...except Sammi if she disses you. "Don't hate the player, hate the game, baby."
Nicole is packing. She insists that she's leaving tomorrow. She calls her dad and tells him that she got wasted on the first night and now feels isolated from the others and wants to come home. He tells her to stick with it. She goes in her room and starts packing. Ronnie comes in and asks her what she's doing and she says she's leaving. The girls come in and try to talk her out of leaving. I think it's awesome that she thinks they were all talking about her when they were talking about the skanks. Heh. It's not always about YOU, Snooki! She's being ignored and she doesn't know how to deal with that. So, she's going home...or is she? We'll find out in Part 2, Episode 2.
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