I've decided that I'm going to refer to some of these people by nicknames:
Nicole - Snickers
Jennie - JWOW
Mike - Situation
Angelina - Jolie (only because that's what they call her so it makes it easier)
So Snickers has decided to move out. It's the next morning and she's having second thoughts. She knows she screwed up by getting wasted the first night and now everyone thinks she's a slutty whore. Well... Anyhow, she is telling everyone she's leaving. I think she just wants people to beg her to stay.
The Situation is making breakfast and Sammi is eating and she interviews that The Situation is such a "sweetheart". She came downstairs and he had made her breakfast. Awwww. They are both shy and cute and tell each other that they like each other. The Situation interviews that he's a player, but with Sammi, there "might be enough vibin' that I'll cut that out." I'm skeptical.
It's raining in Jersey! Jolie and Pauly D are working together at the T-Shirt Shop. Pauly D says that he's pumped and thinks this will be an easy gig. Jolie, on the other hand, says that the Jersey Shore is a "playground and not a place to come and work." Yikes. She should have read her contract. Danny is telling them how important it is to "Sell, Sell, Sell!" [Sounds like my ex boss: Bill! Bill! Bill! - notice I said "ex". :)] Jolie is annoyed that she has to work a few days a week. Line of the episode, Jolie: "I feel like this job is beneath me. I'm a bartender. I do great things." This blog writes itself. Really.
Pauly D is making sales and putting himself out there. Jolie is...not. She wasn't selling and wasn't trying so Danny put her on "hanger duty" which meant she had to hang T-Shirts. HA. Jolie tells us "the hours are too much for me." Ugh.
Back at the house...Sammi walks into Snickers' room to talk to her. Snickers says she's still feeling sad. DRAMA. Snickers interviews (very seriously): "I love the Jersey Shore. I love being a guidette. But no one in the house can understand how I'm feeling right now." Sammi takes Snickers into the living room to talk to her. Sammi tells her straight up that she didn't like Snickers the first night because she thought she was the "sloppy girl." Then she says that the next day, she was still not feeling Snickers because she was like "ew" about the night before. But throughout the day, Sammi had a change of heart. She decided not to judge Snickers and just get to know her. Sammi interviews that she thinks Snickers needs to build up her self esteem. No kidding!! I think that all the housemates could use a little more self esteem and less arrogance. AND, a little self respect wouldn't hurt. Sammi tells Snickers not to go home and that she'll be there for Snickers if she needs a friend...people don't call her Sammi Sweetheart for nothing, y'all. Snickers tells us "I'm not a strong person as I look." Um...what? She has feelings, yo. I feel like I need to include quotes so that you can fully grasp the essence of the show.
Ronnie, The Situation and Vinny are all working out at the gym. If you want to look like The Situation, which he tells us is pretty hard, you need protein in your diet. I assume by "protein" he means "protein shakes". The boys are in the car on the way home and they talk about going out tonight. Ronnie is ready to get his drink on. The Situation tells him he could've done that last night. Ronnie says that if he just wanted to get crazy, he would've just "pounded out" Snickers the first night. Then, Vinny says that he thinks Ronnie has a crush on Sammi. The Situation agrees and says that Ronnie may not "like" her but he wants to at least hook up with her. Ronnie eloquently says "I'd pound out Sammi. I really would. She's f-ing cute." Ok, again. It's so weird when Ronnie says things like this because he looks like such a dumb, sweet, meathead. It's hard to hear him sound so crass and douche-y. The Situation wonders if he has some competition for Sammi with Ronnie and then he decides "Nah...I don't."
Breaking news: Snickers has decided...to stay. She's ready to party, meet sexy guidos and be single. WOOT!
Snickers walks down to the T-Shirt shop to find "something that makes me look hot" and to tell Pauly D and Jolie that she's staying. Pauly D says he's glad she's staying because she's his girl. Wait...what? When did that happen? He interviews that he and Snickers would make the cutest little guidos and guidette babies. Seriously, when did this happen? Weird.
It's time for the evening shift and The Situation and Sammi are working. The Situation says that he can sell a T-shirt standing still..."matter of fact, I just sold one just right now." Dumb. He's showing all the girls who come in "the situation" and selling them underwear with "I LOVE THE SITUATION"ironed on them. Danny tells him that he likes the situation right now. Heh. The Situation tells us that everyone loves him: dogs, babies, hot girls, cougars. He just has mass appeal.
JWOW is talking to the boys about her boyfriend. She admits that she and Pauly D have been flirting but that she would be the stupidest girl in the world to mess things up with her boyfriend. I'm sensing that she will become that girl before the episode is over. Meanwhile Jolie tells us that HER boyfriend's biggest concern is whether or not Jolie will cheat on him. Ugh.
The roommates are all getting ready. The gel and hairspray is polluting the house. Snickers says she's not "poofing" her hair and Jolie says "I would never to that to my hair if I were you." Snickers says "why not? I love the poof. It's f-ing guidette." I'm speechless.
They all stop at the shop to tell The Situation and Sammi that they are going out. They go to the club and Pauly D and JWOW are dancing pretty close. Vinny tells us that he will dance with anyone: fat, ugly, 45 years old, whatever. It's fun! Snickers interviews that her ideal man would be "Italian, dark, muscles, juice head, guido. If I found that guy I'd snatch him like that." What is a "juice head"? I thought that was someone who was on steroids. Is she really saying she wants someone who's juiced up on steroids? She's dancing with a bunch of different guys many of which seem like they fit that description. One of them has a girlfriend and Snickers says that it's really hard to find that perfect guy "cuz it's the Jersey shore, you know." Hmmm. Jolie seems to have found a "guido" of her own. She's grinding on a bunch of guys and Vinny is shocked because she has a boyfriend. Hasn't he ever watched MTV? This is what happens. Girls (and guys) say they would NEVER cheat on their significant others and they ALWAYS DO.
Snickers finds a guy and she's feeling like she wants to hook up. She's making out with him at the bar and she stumbles with him back to the house. He tells her she's the Queen of Guidettes not JUST a guidette.
Meanwhile, JWOW and Pauly D are dancing really close and teasing each other. Neither one of them wants to be the first one to kiss the other. Dumb. Camera cuts to Jolie freakin' some guy and Snickers walking home with her dude. Then we see the name of the club: KARMA. Heh.
Sammi and The Situation are having some dinner on the roof. They were exhausted and feeling a little annoyed that the housemates all went out without them. Then Sammi asks if any of the guys in the house like her. The Situation and I are actually thinking the same thing: Is she serious right now?? Why would she ask that? The Situation says Ronnie and then proceeds to bash him and make him look like Ronnie is a d-bag who just wants to get laid. Can you say "cockblock"? The Situation admits that's what he's doing but he doesn't care. Sammi says that Ronnie is a little bit of badass. I think she likes that.
Snickers and her "friend," Robbie, show up. They go up to the roof and Sammi is shocked because Robbie actually looks descent. Ouch.
The rest of the housemates come home. Pauly D and JWOW start hooking up and he shows her that his penis is pierced. Ewww. They keep making out and then she stops because she realizes that she just "technically" cheated on her boyfriend. There's no "technically" about it, JWOW, you cheated. Snickers says that she and her "friend," Robbie, went up to the roof "to watch the sunset, wait, no, the sunrise." Her "friend" is totally passing out and she's annoyed. "C'mon man, wake up! I brought you to the house and I wanna make out and you're totally ignoring me." HAHA. He wakes up and starts throwing up and it's disgusting. I actually gagged a little watching it. Sick. Snickers goes to the kitchen to get a plastic bag and she tells Ronnie and Vinny that her friend threw up. They start talking smack and she says "C'mon guys. He's my friend, ok." Um...you met him 2 hours ago, he's not your friend. He's some super drunk random you brought home to hook up with and now he's throwing up on your roof.
Snickers goes back on the roof and her "friend" offers her a piece of gum. She tells him she would like him to clean his mess right now. Heh. He finished and she walked him home. He thanks her for taking care of him and says goodnight. He leans in for the kiss and Snickers says "I'm not kissing you because you have throw up breath." Wow, now there's a line I've never said or heard before. Snickers says she has bad luck with guys and doesn't understand why. Well, I'd say your first problem is trying to find a guy in a bar and going home with the drunkest one there.
Next morning, everyone is in the kitchen making breakfast and Jolie wants to know what happened the night before. She claims that she doesn't remember anything...especially grinding up against some guys. The Situation tells us that Jolie is lying to everyone and they all know it. Jolie says that everyone thinks she cheated on her boyfriend so she's freaking out. She decides that she needs to talk to her boyfriend. She calls him and he says that he can't talk because he's in a meeting. Jolie says that she wants to talk to him now because she can't talk all day. He says he can't talk and hangs up on her. So, she calls back...about 5 times. He turned off his phone so her calls were going straight to voicemail. She can't understand what's going on because "he knows that I want to talk to him." Well, he certainly doesn't sound like a guy who's really scared of losing you.
Vinny discovers that he has pink eye. Gross. Ronnie says that's what he gets for dancing with a fat chick. Ass. Vinny tells all the housemates that he has pink eye. He goes into work to tell Danny that he can't work because he woke up this morning "with a little bit of pink eye." Is that being a little bit pregnant? Danny says he understands but asks him to find someone to take his shift. So Vinny goes back to the house to see if he has any takers. Sammi agrees to do the first part (3pm - 6pm), but that's it. She had to work last night and she wants to go out. They all pressure Jolie to take the rest of the shift (6-9pm), but she says she'll only do it if she can leave at 7pm because she needs to come and get ready to go out. Vinny says that they don't go out until 11:30pm, why does she need to start getting ready at 7pm. Basically, Jolie doesn't want to do it at all. So Vinny goes back and tells Danny that he could only get Jolie to cover until 7pm, so Danny just said to forget it. He'll make do.
The guys are all getting ready and Ronnie makes some "Ron Ron Juice". It's cranberry juice, fresh cherries, fresh watermelon and vodka (i think) all blended together with ice. They all get ready to go to the club. The Situation says that he and Sammi are vibin' and "it's not a matter of 'if' we hook up, it's a matter of when I decide."
They all walk to the club and get their drink on. Everyone is dancing and having a good time. The Situation decides it's time and he and Sammi start dancing and making out. Pauly D an JWOW are making out and dancing. All of a sudden she takes off his shirt and then leaves the club and goes home "because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend." Um...you saw Pauly D's penis last night and you guys just made out at the club. Too late! Sammi decides that she's had enough of The Situation for one night and moves onto RONNIE. Sammi says that Ronnie is "f-ing HOT!" Really? Anyhow, she starts dancing with Ronnie and they start making out. The Situation cannot believe his eyes.
The Situation is pissed! He walks up to Sammi and says "I saw you with Ronnie. How you gonna hook up with someone in the house right in front of me like that? Is that what you do? You hook up with me half the night, and then Ronnie half the night?" Sammi interviews that she should be able to do what she wants because she's not tied down to anybody. The Situation is hurt and keeps flipping her off. He walks up again and says "You f-ing do your thing, I'm gonna do mine." Ok, then do it and let it go. Sammi interviews that The Situation is freaking out and they weren't even dating! Then she proceeds to hook up with Ronnie.
The Situation says he's "a tiny bit upset" that Sammi shot him down. SO, he does what any hurt, angry, guido with a bruised ego would do: he starts a fight with some guy who was looking at him. The Situation tells Pauly D that some guy is starting trouble. So, The Situation blows a kiss to the guy and the guy gets angry and comes at them. He pushes Vinny and Pauly D snaps. He goes after the guy and throws a punch. Security kicks them all out and they start walking home. The Situation notices that there are 3 hot chicks walking behind them, so they turn around to meet the girls. The boys bring them back to the roof to drink some more and The Situation starts making out with one of them. Then he decides to go downstairs to get more drinks.
The Situation walks into the house and Ronnie and Sammi are in the kitchen. He can't just get his drinks and leave. He goes up to Sammi and asks her if she had a good night. She says she did and he says that she screwed up. He's obviously hurt and embarrassed and wants to try to make her feel bad. She interviews that she doesn't want to have anything to do with The Situation. The Situation won't let up. He again talks about how Sammi was vibin' with him and holding his hand the first night and making out with him and then decides to hook up with Ronnie. Sammi says that Ronnie is hot and she made her choice. The Situation can't believe it. He keeps telling her to do her thing, but he's still pissed. Sammi tells him to go upstairs to his "whores". The Situation goes upstairs and tells the girls that Sammi told him to go upstairs to his "whores." One of the girls gets pissed and says she's not a whore. The Situation tells her not to worry about it because no one is going to come upstairs and bother them.
Right then, Jolie comes upstairs and shouts "hey guys, are you coming downstairs to hang out with your roommates?" Jolie interviews that she was trying to "cock block." The Situation tells her that he'll be down in a few minutes and she's says no, he has to come now. The Situation interviews that he thinks Jolie is jealous because he's not giving her the attention that she wants. I think The Situation is absolutely right. The guys ask why she's a hater on the chicks that are up there. Jolie: "A hater? On these chicks? I don't think so. Look at me," implying that she's so hot she doesn't have to hate on those girls. The girls leave and Jolie goes downstairs.
The Situation walks into the house and calls Jolie a "hater." She blows him off, but he's pissed. He tells Jolie that she's on his shitlist. Jolie tells him that the girls he brought home were zeros, so he tells Jolie that must mean she's a -3. She tells him to look at her because she's all natural and she's hot. The Situation tells her "lose 5-10 pounds and we can talk. OK?" Ouch. Jolie: "Yo. I will cut your hair while you are sleeping." ha.
Ronnie and Sammi are laying on the futon on the roof. Ronnie tells her "Your boy was mad, like, 'What happened to my girl?'" Ronnie tells Sammi that she crushed the Situation tonight. Sammi says that she was never his "thing." I see your point, Sammi, you weren't his girlfriend, but you did hook up with the guy and you were giving him all the signals. Plus, he's your roommate and it's never good to hook up with two guys that you live with. Ronnie is eating this all up. He's a huge meathead and The Situation is smarter and more cut. Ronnie has muscles, but he's seriously like the HULK. He's just huge. The Situation is smaller but super cut. I'm sure Ronnie is a little intimidated so he's feeling awesome that he got the girl.
It's going to be an awesome season...
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