Last time on The Hills: JB went to Vegas to meet up with Kristin and Sponge Bob ("Spender" just wasn't doin' it for me) got suspicious.
Kristin's House, Malibu. Kristin tells BS that she doesn't want to move out of the beach house. BS says that JB should really be helping Kristin move. Kristin asks where JB is supposed to put the boxes: "on his motorcycle?" Good point. BS asks Kristin what she's going to do about JB. Kristin says that Vegas was perfect, but vacation is never the same as reality and she's been hurt too many times before. BS is still rooting for JB - I don't know why. I guess she's "that friend" who encourages you to date the loser because it makes her feel better about her own choices. I'm just guessing...I mean, why else would you encourage your friend to date JB? At least Audrina's friends were honest and repeatedly told her to dump his ass. Kristin isn't sure what to do.
OPENING CREDITS
"The Boys of Summer"
Speidi's House, Hollywood. Brody and Sponge Bob are shooting hoops outside. Sponge Bob: "There's a chance that I might be Pratt Daddy for real." HA! Pratt Daddy!! He tells Brody about Heidi's latest shenanigans and the pregnancy test he found and that Heidi might be trapping him. Brody appropriately asks "aren't these the types of things you are supposed to discuss in a marriage?" Yes, Brody, they are. But Speidi is on another planet and does not understand such rational behavior. Sponge Bob says that Heidi told him she wanted a baby and that's that. Brody says "that's not a discussion" and Sponge Bob says it's a "sperm kidnapping". Wow. I feel like I'm watching a scene from "Dumb and Dumber".
Brody tells Sponge Bob that Jayde is trying to move their relationship to the next level. Sponge Bob tells Brody that it starts with moving in, then you're engaged, then you're married and then Jayde's pregnant. Hmmm. Well, maybe not exactly in that order, but yes, Sponge Bob, that's the general idea. But people usually wait until they are ready for marriage and babies to actually get married. Sponge Bob says that he bets this time next year Brody will be engaged and Jayde will be talking about babies. Brody lays down the law. He says that if Jayde starts pressuring him to do anything he's not ready to do, he'll dump her ass. Sponge Bob says "we'll see" and Brody tells him to shut up. I don't know. Seeing Brody's track record with Jayde, I'd put my money on Sponge Bob right now and y'all know I do NOT like to take his side on anything!
Catherine Malandrino, Los Angeles. Audrina and Lo are shopping. Audrina tells Lo that she called JB because during their last conversation she was too stunned and overwhelmed to say anything. Um, he dumped you. Why would you call him? Lo knows what I'm talking about. She tells Audrina that it's over so she doesn't need to worry about it. EXACTLY. Audrina insists that she feels like she needs to meet him one last time. Why? So he can make you feel smaller and even less significant? Whatever.
Kristin's House, Malibu. JB and Kristin are hanging out on the beach and chatting. She tells him that she's going to miss her place and can't believe she's moving. JB tells her that she can come stay at his place while she's looking for a place to live. Ew. I imagine JB lives in a gross, dirty apartment with old pizza boxes and trash all over. JB tells Kristin that it's hard to find that person who is compatible with you and he has that feeling with Kristin. She tells JB that part of her wants to be with him but she thinks they should just cool it for awhile. She doesn't want a boyfriend. LIAR!! I think it's SO funny when girls use reverse psychology to get a guy to commit. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a girl say "I don't want a boyfriend" when they are dating some guy but then they constantly act like a jealous girlfriend. Girls are ridiculous sometimes. JB calls her out on her bullshit. He tells her that he's heard the same tune from her before. He hasn't flaked on her ... lately and he went to Vegas to meet her, so Kristin just needs to figure it out. With that, JB walks away.
Speidi's House. Enzo and Sponge Bob are playing Mario Kart (?) and Heidi walks in with groceries. Good Lord. She is totally dressed up. She's got a white blouse that her boobs are practically falling out of, she's wearing heels, she has a full face of make-up, her hair is totally flat-ironed and she has a purse almost as big as a suitcase....all that JUST to go grocery shopping?? Really?? The people at Safeway are lucky I put on jeans. Most of the time, I seriously consider going in my pjs. Heidi = Too Much Work. Sponge Bob asks Heidi if she stopped at the pharmacy to get "anything". Heidi says that she didn't need anything from the pharmacy. She asks him if there's a reason he's asking her this and Enzo asks if they are fighting. Heidi asks Enzo if it sounds like they are fighting and Enzo says yes. Then Heidi tells Sponge Bob if he has something to ask her then he needs to just ask her. I can't stop seeing a Blonde Cher when I look at Heidi with her hair all long and straight and with all that make up. She looks like she's wearing a wig.
Taylor's Engagement Party, Malibu. Brody's friend, Taylor, is having an engagement party and Jayde and Brody are there. Brody toasts Taylor and says that he's gone from "Sleazy-T" to "Taylor" tonight. Abbey - Taylor's fiance - and Jayde are talking and Jayde says that if Abbey and Taylor are engaged then she and Brody should at least be living together. Abbey says that maybe the engagement will light a fire under his ass. I doubt it. Why are you stirring the pot, Abbey? Meanwhile, Brody, Taylor and Frankie are all talking and Frankie says that maybe it's time for Brody to follow in Taylor's footsteps and get engaged. Brody tells Frankie not to be "retarded". I really hate it when people use that word. Brody says that he's 100% not ready to get married...not in his 20's. I think Brody is smart. He should enjoy his 20's and date different girls and really figure out who he is. Then, in his 30's, he can find the right girl and get married.
Kristin's Place. Kristin tells BS that she told JB they are DUN-ZO. BS is STUNNED. Kristin says that she's really scared of getting hurt. That's why she hasn't had a boyfriend in TWO YEARS. Kristin blames her fear on her parents being divorced. I'd say Kristin has been reading too many
"children of divorce" books, but who am I kidding? She doesn't read. Kristin says she never wants to get a divorce and that's why she can't get close to guys. She's afraid they will screw her over. BS says that when it's a good person, it'll just work. She's so wise.
Engagement Party. Brody toasts the happy couple and wishes them a happy life together. Taylor and Abbey kiss and Jayde can hardly control her envy. And...the envy is uncontrolled. She tells Brody that's it crazy how Taylor and Abbey have only been dating for two months and they are already engaged and she and Brody have been together for 1 year and a half and they are... Brody says "We're smart." I agree with Brody. I'm sure that there are couples out there who only knew each other for two months before getting married and they've been happily married for years and years. But, the odds aren't good ... particularly for a guy who - before tonight - was known as "Sleazy T". Jayde won't let it go and says she's not saying they should get engaged, but they should do SOMETHING. Oh, Jayde...this is so not the time and place for this conversation. Brody says it's a little scary that they JUST got back together and they are already talking about moving in together. Jayde totally goes in the wrong direction and says "You're the one who screwed up and I've forgiven you. Like, you should be happy that I'm even talking to you about this right now." WTF? Who is this girl? Really? Brody, just dump her ass and move on.
Brody tells Jayde that this isn't the time/place to be talking about moving in together. Agreed. AWKWARD. (Is that spelled right? It looks wrong to me. Weird.)
Some Pier in LA. Audrina meets JB. This is not going to end well for her. She tells JB that she's not there to fight with him. It's just that the last time they talked he said a bunch of things. JB tells Audrina that he never meant to hurt her. Audrina says that she doesn't think she can be friends with JB. He doesn't react, so she tells him that she feels like this is the last conversation they will have. JB says "Then it's the last conversation we have. If you want to be young about it, then be young about it. You gotta remember, you're the one who said 'get out of my life'." Audrina: "You didn't get out of my life." JB: "I definitely tried." Ouch. Audrina is hurt and angry and yells "You're so selfish. You're selfish. You're self-centered. All you care about is yourself." JB says that she never looks at herself. Maybe she just wasn't the one. Then he says that he didn't want to hurt her. Audrina says that he did hurt her for all those years. JB says they wouldn't see eachother for 4-5 months at a time and then see eachother ONCE. Audrina says that's not true and that he keeps going around telling people they were never together. JB: "We weren't, Audrina." OUCH. That had to sting.
Audrina tells JB, if he's going to be incapable of loving somebody, it's like he's missing out on life. He's going to be a lonely old man. This is so painful to watch. He's not incapable of loving SOMEBODY, he just didn't love you, Audrina. That sucks for her, but it's true. It's a harsh reality and it's hard to believe that the guy who didn't love you just didn't love YOU, but he may love someone else. Audrina tells him that she hopes that he does love somebody because then he may actually feel something. Oh Audrina, just stop. You are embarrassing yourself. Seriously, just walk away. With that, Audrina wishes him the best and walks away. FINALLY. Now, Audrina, did that make you feel BETTER? I hope so because it made you look worse.
Speidi's House. Sponge Bob calls Heidi to the living room to "talk". They sit and Sponge Bob tells her that he found a pregnancy test in the trash. Sponge Bob asks if she's pregnant and Heidi says that she was hoping she was but Sponge Bob's wishes came true and she's not. Sponge Bob asks how their marriage got to this point. Heidi says that Sponge Bob said that he never wanted kids and shot it down. Sponge Bob says that he had always said he would NEVER get married and here he is married. So saying he never wants kids doesn't have much "juice". He tells Heidi that they will have a baby when they're ready to have a baby. Heidi says "That's a big thing to hear. That's a big change." Sponge Bob tells Heidi that he needs to be whatever his wife is about and that he's right there with her. This should have been the conversation in the very beginning. Why do these people need all the drama and power trips to get to this point??
Brody's Condo, Hollywood. Brody is talking to Frankie and Taylor and he tells them that he's been thinking a lot about himself and Jayde and that her pressuring him to move in together at Taylor's engagement party was the last straw. He's done with Jayde. Frankie hi-fives Brody and Taylor says it's for the best. Yikes...seriously, this is all going to backfire when Brody gets back together with Jayde. See, Brody is feeling cocky right now because Kristin was giving him some attention while he and Jayde were on a break and she and JB were on a break. So now Brody is feeling like he has options and he's ready to throw Jayde to the curb. But as soon as Kristin moves on with JB, Brody will be out of options and go crawling back to Jayde. Frankie and Taylor are recapping Brody's past relationships and then Brody drops the bomb: He may still have feelings for Kristin. Taylor thinks that's good because he thinks Kristin is good for Brody.
Kristin's Place. Kristin is packing and JB comes over. JB says he's been riding around thinking about him and Kristin. Kristin suggests they sit outside and talk. JB tells Kristin that he didn't like the feeling he had when he left her place last time and for some reason, he can't let this go. He tells Kristin that Audrina told him that he was going to end up a lonely old man if he doesn't go after what he believes in and he believes in this so here he is. JB tells Kristin that he wants to have fun with her, do things with her, and laugh with her. Kristin agrees but she wants to know how she can trust him. JB says that all he can give her is his word. Kristin says that in order for them to work they need to give it 100%...no lying, complete honesty and really try. They agree to give it a shot and kiss. Then Kristin asks if he's her boyfriend and JB says "That's a stacked question" and kisses her more. BUT DOESN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!
THE END.
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