Amazing Race 16 - Meet the Teams!!

Here are the teams:

Brent & Caite
Nickname: TBD

They are dating models from South Carolina. You may recognize Caite as the genius who fumbled through her final question during the Miss Team USA competition. Actually, you'll probably remember from the youtube videos showing the screw-up since I doubt anyone actually watched the competition. Caite promises that she will changed America's opinion of her because she's NOT ignorant, such as.

Jet & Cord
Nickname: Team Cowboy

These cowboy brothers are from Oklahoma. They have the accent to prove it. They're adorable right now, but I can foresee them getting annoying,

Steve & Allison (Allie)
Nickname: Team Baseball

This father/daughter team is from California (Encinitas). Steve is a professional baseball coach and tells us that he coached the Philadelphia Phillies when they won the World Series in 2008.

Jordan & Dan
Nickname: Team Twins

These twin brothers from Rhode Island may look identical, but they are NOT! Jordan is the gay brother - and quickly becoming my favorite - and Dan is the straight one.

Dana & Adrian
Nickname: Team Sweetheart

These high school sweethearts from Texas have been married for 17 years. They are really cute and have been through a lot together - including Adrian pouring their life savings in a business that failed! Eek.

Jordan & Jeff
Nickname: Team Big Brother

These long distance daters met on Big Brother 11. She is not so smart. She seems fun and flighty and he seems like he's enjoying it ... for now.

Jody & Shannon
Nickname: Team Nana

This is a grandma/granddaughter team from Texas and I think nana might be stronger than Shannon. Jody - at 71 - has finished 15 triathlons and 3 half marathons. Holy crap!

Louie & Michael
Nickname: TBD

These two undercover detectives from Rhode Island are in it to win it! They are HARDCORE.

Monique & Shawne
Nickname: Team Mom

These best friends from New Jersey who are both moms and lawyers. Oh, and did I mention they are also moms. Specifically, they are Mompreneurs: Moms who make it happen. Ugh.

Joe & Heidi
Nickname: TBD

The married couple from El Segundo, California are the "other" married team on the race. Heidi tells us that she hopes Joe keeps it together. Apparently, he tends to offend people with his big mouth and will be the "problem child" on the race. Hmmm. Should be interesting.

Carol & Brandy
Nickname: Team Lez

This lesbian couple from Los Angeles, California are self-proclaimed "high maintenance" women. But they totally don't look like they'd be. It's weird.

Those are the teams!!! Let's see who will win ... the AMAZING RACE!

The Bachelor, Season 14, FINALE

I was going to recap the "Women tell all" but I decided against it because it was dumb and boring.

SO, it's the finale!! We get to meet Jake's family. WOOT!

Jake meets up with his family in St. Lucia. He tells them that he's fallen in love with both women and they are both totally different. He asks them to help him pick the right person. He talks about each of them and when he talks about Vienna, his mother interrupts. She asks if she's the one everyone hates and he says yes. She tells him that there's something to that. Mom votes for Tenley and she hasn't even met the girls yet!! HA! He'll be dumb and not listen to their advice. Jake says that he led them into an opinion about Vienna so he's not going to listen to them anyway.

TENLEY

She's up first and they are obviously loving her. She totally makes his dad cry. Sallie, Jake's mom, LOVES Tenley. They totally bonded. His brothers and sisters-in-law all think he should be with Tenley and that she's exactly what they pictured for Jake. She talks to Jake's dad next. He's totally sold. Jim hugs her and tells us that he'd be happy to have Tenley in his family. They all love her and want Jake to pick her. LISTEN TO THEM, JAKE. Jake and Tenley jump into the water and his brothers jump in after them. OMG. All of them just love Tenley to death.

VIENNA

She's going to be a hard sell. Vienna is so immature. Vienna them that the girls all hated her and starts giggling. Jake's sister-in-law says that Vienna seems very confrontational. Sallie (the mom) HATES HER. They all observe that she's not really mixing well with the family. She does a lot of joking. Sallie is very concerned about Vienna and doesn't think she has the ability to get along with other people. Sallie worries about Vienna getting along with the sisters-in-law. Sallie is Team Tenley all the way.

The brothers all have concerns about Vienna. They think the brutal honesty thing she has is a defense mechanism. They think she has a lot of growing up to do. The sisters-in-law tell Vienna that she and Tenley are so different. They ask Vienna what she thinks of Tenley. Vienna says that Tenley is really sweet, but doesn't have any opinions of her own and Vienna finds that annoying. They ask how she gets along with her girlfriends back home. She tells them that the problems she had with the girls was similar to other conflicts she's had but not this bad. They do NOT like her at all.

Sallie asks her how she gets along with people, right off the bat. Vienna tells the mom that in the house, she just was herself and people didn't like it. The sisters-in-law tell Jake that they like Vienna after talking to her. UGH. She still bugs me. Sallie says that she changed her mind about her. Whatever. These people all still want Tenley to be part of their family. What are they supposed to say? He could potentially marry her!

They go back and now Jake has his alone dates with the girls for the last time. I think it's really just physical with Jake and Vienna. That's going to get old fast. She's going to wake up and realize she married a total dork and want to go out and meet more boys. AND, he's going to wake up and realize that he married a teenager with NO FRIENDS.

I had to fast forward because this episode is entirely too long and there's no good information in the alone date.

Now he's with Tenley. He's having a hard time forgetting the fiery, physical connection he has with Vienna. UGH. He says that his problem in the past has always been having the physical and no emotional chemistry. But with Tenley, they have the emotional connection, but they don't have the physical much. Tenley tells him that it's supposed to grow slowly. Tenley is now feeling hurt and like Jake is not really into her. She's the one with the doubts. Now I feel better about him picking Vienna because at least Tenley has a clue.

RING DAY!!!

Jake is trying to figure it out, blah, blah, blah. Who will be first??

It's TENLEY. Jake totally breaks her heart. She handles it so well. I feel so horrible for her. It's so sad. He totally made the wrong choice.

Next up, VIENNA. Oh, apparently, she gave Jake the ring that her dad gave her so he gives it back and she thinks he's dumping her. Then he tells her that he loves her and he proposes to her. She says yes, of course. Whatever.

I'm over it. I didn't really like this Bachelor so I'm ok that he picked a total psycho.

Amazing Race 16 - Episode 2

Last week we said good-bye to the Sweethearts, Adrian and Dana.

Big Brother is the first team to depart Palacio Baburizza at 3:21 AM. They get their first clue.

FIRST CLUE: Teams must now travel by bus back to Santiago. Then they will board another bus to Puerto Varas. There, they will drive themselves to a lake by the Hotel Petrohue where they'll take a boat to Isla Margarita. Then they will climb to a place called Mirador where they will find their next clue.

Big Brother takes off to the bus station. The bus station doesn't open until 5 AM and you know what that means: BUNCHING. Team Lez tells us that they were calling Big Brother, Ken and Barbie, but since they got 1st last time, they now recant their statement and realize that they are the team to beat. The Cowboys - wearing their Stetson's, of course - tell us that it's an honor to wear a hat and if they didn't feel comfortable wearing a hat somewhere, they probably wouldn't go there. Ha.

Brent (Team Models) tells us that Team Lez said something about Caite and her tiara last time which he didn't appreciate. Get over it! Team Lez discuss their options and decide to form an alliance with the Asians. They think Joe is a great competitor and they approach them about joining forces.

All teams board the bus to Santiago. In Santiago, all the teams race to get on the first bus to Puerta Varas. The Asians - first in line - stir up trouble when they save a spot in line for Team Lez, pissing off the Cops! The Asians and Team Lez make it on the 5:30 PM bus to Puerta Varas. The Twins, Moms, Cops and Baseball get on the 7:45 PM bus. Team Nana gets on an 8:30 PM bus that gets them into Puerto Varas 5 minutes behind the 7:45 PM bus.

The Cowboys, Big Brother and the Models all find an alternate - and hopefully, faster - route to Puerto Varas. The Cowboys discover that the bus leaves from a different terminal, but they don't share that info with the Models or Big Brother. As a result, Models and Big Bro find out too late and miss the bus and the Cowboys not only make it on the bus, but they are the FIRST team to arrive at Puerto Varas. Models and Big Bro make it on a 1AM bus and will have to make up some time once they arrive.

The Cowboys drive to Hotel Petrohue. They arrive and discover that the path to the dock is closed until 7:30 AM, leaving just enough time for other teams to arrive. Annoying. The first bus arrives and Team Lez and the Asians (I hope no one is offended by these names. They are merely descriptive and are not meant to be offensive) drive to the hotel. The next bus arrives and it's ... Big Bro and the Models and they drive to the hotel - I guess they made up some time.

The Cowboys crack me up. They have made makeshift "covers" for their hats out of plastic bags to protect them from the rain. It's 7:30 AM and they are still the only team at the hotel so they head down the marked path. The second bus finally arrives and the remaining teams make their way to the hotel. Meanwhile, the first five teams arrive at Isla Margarita.

HAHA. Jordan (Twins) tells us that they decided Dan would be the best person to drive the car since it was a stick shift - then he says that it was a "fallacy" that Dan could drive it. Dan mimics Jordan saying "fallacy" and Jordan defensively says that Dan used that word just the other day. Dan tells Jordan that he doesn't even know what that word means (really?) and Jordan says that's probably true. They are funny.

Oh, I forgot about Team Nana. They are STILL on a bus to Puerta Varas. Yikes. They better hope someone screws up big time or they are S.O.L.

Cowboys arrive at Isla Margarita and receive the next clue.

DETOUR: "Llama Adoration" or "Condor Constination". In Llama Adoration teams come to a field full of llamas. They must choose a llama and dress it for a traditional festival by putting a blanket and a scarf on the sometimes unruly animal. Once it is properly dressed, teams will receive their next clue. In Condor Constination, teams must dress up in a condor costume with wings 8 feet wide, run off the pier and try to hit a target in the water that contains their next clue.

Cowboys select Llama Adoration. Asians and Team Lez follow suit and go with llama. The Models and Big Bro decide to "fly" and choose Condor. The self-proclaimed llama whisperers - the Cowboys - easily select and dress their llama and receive their next clue.

NEXT CLUE: Teams will now drive themselves to the Onces Bellavista Farm where they will search for their next clue.

Cowboys take off.

The Models "fly" - or just jump into the water - and get their next clue. Team Baseball arrives and decides to fly while the Cops choose llama. Moms arrive and pick llama while Team Lez, the Asians and the Models all head out to Onces Bellavista Farm. Big Bro is next up to "fly" and they jump in the water and get the next clue. All I have to say is Jeff from Big Bro must be seriously physically attracted to Jordan because she is - as my friend, Liz, says - dumber than a box of rocks. Seriously. The girl is why blonde jokes were invented.

The Twins are still struggling to find the hotel. Yikes. Father and daughter team - Baseball - fly into the water and retrieve their next clue. Meanwhile, Team Nana finally begins driving to the hotel. They may actually make up some time since it appears the Twins have taken a wrong turn. They ask a local and get back on track. Team Nana is hopeful that they will persevere. The Twins finally make it to the hotel.

The Cops are still trying to dress their llama. The Moms come in and do it quickly and start driving to Onces Bellavista Farm. The Cops corner a llama and finish the task and take off.

The Cowboys arrive at Onces Bellavista Farm, home to German immigrants in Chile, and receive their next clue.

ROADBLOCK: In this roadblock, teams must race around the farm and collect the five (flour, a plate of butter, baker's dozen of eggs, a bowl of sugar and milk straight from the cow), fresh, essential ingredients for a traditional German pastry. Once they have delivered the correct amount of each ingredient, they'll receive their next clue. I think the thing that's supposed to trip people up is the "baker's dozen" of eggs since maybe not everyone knows that it's 13 not 12.

Cord is going to do the roadblock for the Cowboys. He starts with the cow and milks it. They he goes off to collect the rest. Cord completes the task with no problem and no errors and receives the next clue.

PIT STOP: Teams must now drive themselves back to Puerta Varas and find Gruta de la Virgen, the Pit Stop for this leg of the race.

Cord takes a bite of the pie before heading out to meet back with Jet. He tries to be sly and tells Jet that he wasn't sure what it was, but Jet knows that Cord got a piece of pie!! They drive off to the Pit Stop. I'm kind of liking this team a little more.

The Asians and Team Lez are next to arrive at the Farm and Heidi and Carol will be doing the task. They decide to work together. Carol is much more girly than she looks. The Models arrive next and Brent is doing the task. The Asians, Team Lez and the Models complete the task and drive to the Pit Stop. Big Bro arrives and Jeff will be doing the task. He finishes and they drive to the Pit Stop.

The Twins and Team Nana finally make it to the island and they both pick llama. The Moms and Baseball arrive at the farm next. Steve (Baseball) and Monique (Moms) do the task. The Twins and Team Nana complete the llama task and head to the farm. The Cops pass the farm and keep driving. Hopefully, they discover their error sooner rather than later.

The Cowboys are the FIRST team to arrive at the Pit Stop and they each win a sailboat!! The Asians are the SECOND team to arrive and Team Lez is the THIRD team.

Monique and Steve finish for their teams at the Farm and head out to the Pit Stop. The Cops aren't too worried that they may be going the wrong way...but the Twins make it to the farm and Jordan is going to do the task.

The Models are the FOURTH team to arrive at the Pit Stop. Caite seems to think that getting 4th place this time will make the other teams see that she's "intelligent" and that they should stop making fun of her. Good luck with that.

Big Brother is a little lost and Jordan is telling Jeff that she sees San Jose street but not the street that Jeff's looking for. He asks again and she says SAN JOSE, you know, H-O-S-E. wow.

The Twins finish and head to the Pit Stop. Team Nana arrives at the Bellavista farm and Nana Jody will be doing the task. Meanwhile Big Brother runs into the Cops in downtown Puerto Varas and the Cops realize that they are 20 minutes away in the wrong direction.

The Moms are the FIFTH team to arrive at the Pit Stop. Big Brother is the SIXTH team to arrive.

The Cops finally arrive at the farm and Michael goes in to do the task. They realize Team Nana is there and in his haste, Michael totally slips inside the kitchen. Nana is milking the cow and it totally kicks her in the head and she drops the cup. She goes at it again.

Team Baseball is the SEVENTH team to arrive at the Pit Stop. The Twins are the EIGHTH team to arrive at the Pit Stop.

Michael is struggling to find the pantry. He finds it and completes the task and the Cops head to the Pit Stop. Nana Jody finishes and they drive to the pit stop.

The Cops are the NINTH team to arrive at the Pit Stop.

Team Nana is the TENTH and LAST team to arrive and they are eliminated from the race. They are two of the most content people to be eliminated from the race. They are so proud of each other and smiling. No tears for them.

See you next week...

Kell on Earth, Season 1, Episode 3

"Who's Next?"

It's still Fashion Week and People's Revolution is going crazy! We ended last week's episode with Stephanie (from now on, she's Stephanie S. is Stephanie or Steph and Stephanie Voorhis is Voorhis) having a nervous breakdown because the computer system was down and the Chado Ralph Rucci people needed the seating chart and RSVP list ASAP. Everyone is scrambling and handwriting in the seating chart to fill in what isn't getting printed. Steph walks up with her laptop and says that she's going to cry and Kelly sets her straight. She tells her not to cry and stay focused. Robyn and Stephanie go get ready and head to the show. We are two hours from showtime, so Kelly is racing to get it done.

Kelly arrives at the show and she meets up with Ralph Rucci and tells him that everything is under control. You can't let your client know the clusterfuck that's happening behind the scenes. He needs to know that it's all going to be ok and everything is good. She eases his mind and it's all good.

Kelly is handling the press backstage before the show. Out front, Emily and Robyn are taking care of all the check ins and seat assignments with Stephanie. Ralph Rucci starts freaking out that there is too much press backstage for first looks. So Kelly gets in full publicist mode and starts kicking everyone out. She knows that after the show, Ralph will bitch that there are enough pics from backstage before the event, so she has a couple of photogs stick around and take some pics. She just makes sure they don't crowd his highness.

The front of the house still looks like a total mess. There are tons of people just cluttering the entrance. To further complicate matters, there are a lot of crashers trying to get in to the show and they're all crowding the entrance. Kelly goes out on the floor to regulate. She starts kicking out people from the front row who don't actually have seats in the front row. They tell Kelly that Rosina Rucci told them to sit there and Rosina totally denies it. Kelly says she's sorry to one man and he snarks back "You should be sorry." Oh no he di'in't. It's a total madhouse. At the entrance, in the tent. OMG. People are just crashing left and right.

Emily realizes that the mad crowd at the entrance is all people without invites. She closes up and goes inside and tells Kelly that they're ready. Kelly kicks out a few more people who were taking seats that didn't belong to them. And the show begins...It's a huge success. Everyone is happy, especially everyone at People's Revolution. They are all so excited that it's OVER!! Show from hell!

Rosina Rucci comes to Kelly after the show and tells her that there were a lot of unhappy people at the show. Kelly waves the cameras to not film this part. I bet Kelly told Rosina that those people sucked and didn't matter, so they should just STFU and be happy that they were even there.

Two hours after the show, the PR team is having dinner. They rehash the evening's events. Kelly tells them that Chado Ralph Rucci is a really important brand for them. But, shit happens. The mistakes that happened were out of their control. What are you going to do?

Two days after the Chado show, Kelly is on the phone with Rosina Rucci, Chado's Director of Publicity. Ralph Rucci is still pissed about the seating debacle. Kelly tells her that he's getting great reviews and she can't understand what his problem is. Basically, Ralph Rucci is pissed and thinks the seating arrangement issues were to blame for Women's Wear Daily putting Diane Von Furstenberg on the cover instead of him. Get over yourself. Kelly ends up telling Rosina that she takes responsibility for the computer problem, but he had a great show and if he needs to take it out on Kelly, so be it. Give her the final check and see ya! Rosina: You're fired!

Kelly goes upstairs to check in on Ava. Ava is having a playdate and they are going through her closet to pick out some back to school looks. Ava is really cute.

Ralph Rucci sucked and getting fired suck BUT, the show must go on. Next up is the Genetic Demin Show which is in two days.

The Bachelor, Season 14, Episode 7

Only three women left: Tenley, Gia and Vienna. WHO WILL WIN JAKE'S HEART?? Well, the rumor is that it will be Vienna and, at first, I was really upset. But then I thought about it more and realized that Jake is a total DORK. If he wants Vienna, take her!

Last week, Ali left to go back to work.

All three ladies are in St. Lucia for their last one on one dates!! It's absolutely gorgeous there. Jake takes us through all the time he's spent with each of the girls. Of course, he can see himself with all three of them. FILLER. Jake says that he misses Ali and wonders if she thinks it was worth it to leave. Ali has been doing very poorly since she left. She decided that she made the wrong choice.

JAKE & GIA

Their date is on Pigeon Island in St. Lucia. It is amazing there. They climb around the island and then take a boat back to the mainland and get some food. Jake is so frickin' cheesy. It's kind of annoying. They both talk about how amazing the date is going and they make out the whole date. He can totally see himself marrying Gia.

Gia goes back to the hotel to change. They meet back up again and have dinner on the beach. Jake tells Gia that she's drop dead gorgeous, but that she's also very "deep". Really, Jake? Deep? He just keeps pouring on the affection. This show is kind of cruel except that the girls know what they're getting into. It's just so demoralizing and devastating to make out with a guy and have him tell you how wonderful you are and then not pick you at the end. Especially since most of the girls are so emotionally broken.

Fantasy suite time. Gia is totally game and says she's totally down for the fantasy suite. They take a bubble bath together - with their swimsuits on, of course. It's gotta suck to be the third date because if he sleeps with all these girls, I would think that he'd be exhausted by day 3.

TENLEY & JAKE

They are on Rodney Beach in St. Lucia. He's so excited to see Tenley because they have SO MUCH in common: same values, same views on marriage, same everything!! Jake takes Tenley flying around the island. They land the plane and have a picnic in the rain forest. These two are so frickin' cheesy together. He should really end up with her. They are absolutely perfect together.

They find a black sand beach and jump in the water. It's kind of creepy. He's in the water kissing Tenley exactly how he did with Gia the day before. Weird. They change and meet up again at Le Sport for dinner. It's beautiful there. I think I found my next vacation spot. He knows how important dance is to her so he asks her to dance. Dumb. I'm sorry. I'm so not a cheesy, sappy person. Jake is so over the top with praise and affection for all of these girls. I'm sure they each think he's going to pick them.

Fantasy suite time. They go swimming and then spend the night together. She's a super fragile girl since she's just getting over a divorce. AND Jake knows she's only been with ONE GUY. If he actually sleeps with her and doesn't pick her in the end, he's a dick.

VIENNA & JAKE

She's so masculine. I just do not think she's an attractive girl. I'd probably think differently if she didn't bleach her hair that ridiculous yellow color. OMG. Enough with the "On the Wings of Love" muzak. They are going for a boat ride aboard the pirate ship used in Pirates of the Caribbean. They make out and laugh and drink the whole time. They go back to the beach and make out in the sand.

They change and meet again for dinner. Jake is concerned that his attraction to Vienna is just physical. WTF? Are you kidding? Then he asks her questions to figure out if he likes HER, too. But the questions are so generic and what's she supposed to say? I think I'd be a horrible wife? C'mon, Jake. Then he asks her what kind of ring she wants. She tells him she wants a thin band with a princess cut diamond and some bling around it. Wow. PLEASE DON'T PICK HER.

Vienna tells him that she's in love with him. He says that he loves that about her - that she's so direct and tells him exactly how he feels. UM, Tenley said the SAME THING!!
And they make out and go up to the fantasy suite and have sex. Gross. OMG. She totally put on a nightie when they go up to the suite. Ew.

NEXT DAY

Jake gets a call from a very regretful and desperate Ali. She made the wrong choice and she wants to come back. She's apologizing and saying she made a mistake. I feel sort of embarrassed for her. He basically tells her that he doesn't want her to come back and ... he cries. Ugh. OMG. In her interview she looks ROUGH. She says she will forever regret her decision. Don't, Ali. Seriously. You'll find someone ten times better than Jake. He's not cool enough for you.

Jake and Chris talk about Ali and the remaining girls. Just pick two already!! All three of them are lined up and Vienna looks so ugly compared to the other two. AND it's not just because she looks like a tranny mess. It's also because she's a train wreck waiting to happen.

First Rose: TENLEY!

Second Rose: VIENNA!

Gia is going home. I feel so sad for her. He tries to talk to her, but she doesn't want to hear it. It's so patronizing for him to still be telling her how awesome she is. Just let her go already. So lame. He totally has this constipated look on his face while he's talking to her. I feel really bad for her.

Amazing Race 16 - Season Premiere (Episode 1)

The teams start in Los Angeles. I've introduced them all to you in a previous post. The nicknames are subject to change and I still have a couple that I need to name. Let's get started...

Teams must find their way to LAX using only PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. Omg. I would lose. I lived in LA for 8 years and NEVER used public transportation. Once at the airport, only the first THREE teams will be on the first flight and the remaining teams will be on the second flight. The teams grab their backpacks and get their first clue.

FIRST CLUE: Make your way to Santiago, Chile.

All the teams are scrambling to find public transportation. They start asking people and the teams all find out that they need to find a "fly away" bus to the airport.

OMG. Jordan of Team Twins is already one of my favorites. He yells out to Caite (read: Katie) "I love you!" He tells us that he almost pooped his pants when he found out she was in the race. He starts to impersonate her "Many countries don't have maps. Countries like South Africa and the Iraq. Countries such as." HAHA. That's pretty much what she said. The future of our country, ladies and gentlemen. Geniuses like Miss South Carolina.

The first three teams to get on the first flight are Team Big Brother, Team Mom and Team Sweetheart. Jordon (of Team Big Brother) runs up and asks for two tickets to China. I know Chile and China both start with Chi, but that's where the similarity ends. And when Jeff comes up and yells Santiago, Chile, Jordon doesn't act like she misspoke or forgot. She genuinely looks like she had no idea what Chile was and China was the only thing she could think of. Yikes.

The rest of the teams arrive at the airport and discover that they're all on the 2nd flight. As the teams wait, Jordan (from Team Twins) is telling Team Lez who Caite is. They aren't sure about the Miss Teen South Carolina scandal until Jordan tells them about the "countries like South Africa and the Iraq. Countries such as." and then Team Lez is totally on-board and know exactly who Caite is.

Meanwhile the Cowboys decide to exchange some money and they decide that Chile is just like Brazil, so they'll just get Brazilian money and it will work. OMG. Are you kidding? The Cowboys are just feeding the stereotype.

The teams start loading the second plane while the first plane starts having some issues. The three teams realize that it's taking too long so they all change their tickets to the second flight. BUNCHING. Everyone is on the second flight and will arrive in Santiago, Chile at the same time.

Upon arriving in Santiago, teams will have to board buses that will take them another 60 miles to Valparaiso, Chile. Valparaiso is famous for it's funiculars which help the locals travel the VERY steep hillsides - it's the San Francisco of Chile afterall. Once in Valparaiso, teams must find their way to the top of the Ascensor Villaseca, where they will find their next clue.

The first bus to Valparaiso takes off with the Moms, Big Brother, Sweethearts and the Models - Caite and Brent. Maybe that will be their nickname. The Cowboys were trying to get on the bus and they soon realize that they are idiots and the Chileans don't want their dirty Brazilian money. So the second bus carries Team Lez, the Twins, Baseball (Allie and her dad) and the Asian couple from El Segundo. I really can't think of a nickname for them. Maybe Team Boring since I can't seem to remember them or Team Asian? I don't know.

Finally the last bus leaves with the Detectives - Louie and Michael (I'm calling them the COPS), Team Nana and the Cowboys.

The four teams on the first bus arrive in Valparaiso and get cabs to Ascensor Villaseca. The second bus arrives and they do the same. The Models arrive first and get the clue.

ROADBLOCK: "Walk Cable". One team member must balance on a cable 120 feet above the ground and walk on it for the length of a football field. They can also hold on with their hands, so it's not like they're walking a tightrope. Although, it still looks like a challenge. When they reach the other side, they'll receive the next clue.

Caite is walking the cable for the Models. She takes off. Next up is Big Brother and Jordan does it for them because Jeff is scared of heights. Wow, Jordan is such a blonde (no offense to my wonderful and intelligent blonde friends). Joe (from the Asian team), Dan (from Twins) and Allie (from Baseball) all walk the cable for their respective teams. Brandy is going next for Team Lez.

Caite makes it across and the Models get the next clue.

NEXT CLUE: Teams must now take one of the 115 FUNICULARS down the hillside where they'll find their next clue.

The Moms and Sweethearts arrive and Shawne and Adrian are walking the cables, respectively. Dan (Twins) falls off the cable and just pulls himself across as he hangs on. Brandy (Lez) is totally freaking out and talking herself through it.

Rather than ask what a funicular is - especially since the clue says that you may ONLY travel by funicular - the Models decide to walk down the hill. Meanwhile, Jordan (Big Bro) finishes and they ask locals what a funicular is. Dan (Twins) finishes and the two teams go down the funicular. The Models make it to the bottom of the hillside and find the next clue.

NEXT CLUE: Teams must select four cans of paint and supplies and carry them up the really steep Templeman Street searching for the house matching their paint color. Once they find their house, they must finish painting an unfinished section of the house to receive their next clue.

The Models pick the mauve paint and start looking for Templeman Street. Big Bro picks blue and the Twins pick yellow and they all start looking for their houses.

Joe (Asian) and Allie (Baseball) finish and head down the funicular. Brandy (Lez) and Shawne (Moms) finish and head down the funicular. Adrian (Sweethearts) is really struggling as the Cops arrive. Louie walks the cable and quickly catches up to Adrian.

Baseball picks red while Big Bro and the Models paint their houses. Lez picks green and start hunting for their house. Big Bro finishes and get the next clue.

PIT STOP: Teams must now make their way on foot to Palacio Baburizza, the pitstop for this leg of the race.

Models finish next and head to the pitstop. Adrian is still struggling with that cable. Cord (Cowboys) and Shannon (Nana) arrive and walk the cable. Adrian falls off the cable. He doesn't have the strength to get up and continue, so he has to go back to the beginning and start over. Cord just flies across the cable.

Team Big Brother is the first team to arrive at the Pit Stop. They win a trip for two to Vancouver. WOO HOO!

The Models are the second team to arrive. HOWEVER, they didn't take the funicular so they have a 30 minute penalty. They sit and wait it out.

The Twins discover that they've dropped one of the paint brushes so only one of them can paint the house. They try to backtrack to find the paint brush. Baseball can't find the house they need to paint, so they literally walk into a home that's being remodeled, find an unfinished red wall INSIDE the house and paint it. HAHA. Then they try to get a clue from the painters who understand no English whatsoever. They realize their mistake and head back out to find the right house.

Cord finishes and the Cowboys head down the funicular. Shannon finishes next and the grandma is so sweet and encouraging. It's so cute. Adrian gets back on the cable.

Team Mom is the second team to arrive at the Pit Stop.

Dan paints solo for the Twins as the Cowboys catch up and pass them!!

Team Cowboy is the third team to arrive at the Pit Stop.

Team Twins incurs a 15 minute penalty for losing the brush, so they sit out with the Models.

Team Baseball is the fourth team and Team Boring/Asian is the fifth team to the Pit Stop.

Team Lez is the sixth team and FINALLY the Models are the seventh team to the Pit Stop.

Team Twins is the eighth team, Team Cops is the ninth team, and Team Nana is the tenth team to arrive at the Pit Stop.

Adrian falls off the cable again and Dana goes over to the start and tells him how proud she is of him. Phil comes up to them and tells them they are being eliminated from the race. They are disappointed, but Dana is proud of him and I'm sad they are gone. They'll be fine. So cute. Bye Sweethearts.

See you next week!!

Real Housewives OC, Season Five - Episode 12

"You Can Dish it, but You Can't Take It"

Last time: Lynne got evicted!

LYNNE

We pick up where we left off and Raquel gets served the eviction notice. She thinks it's a joke and doesn't understand because she's "so hungover". Nice. Raquel calls her mom - while flipping off the camera crew (classy) - and Lynne is SHOCKED by the news. Lynne tells us that she wishes she had received the eviction notice and not her two daughters. She's fighting back tears as she says this. Can I just say, Lynne looks WEIRD. I don't know if it's the surgery, but she looks like she's on something - more so than usual. It's creepy. Her face is just weird-looking. You can see the tears and hear the emotion in her voice, but her face looks like a deer in headlights - no expression.

Lynne meets Frank at the park because she doesn't want to discuss this in front of the girls. She tells Frank that she's really pissed. Again, her voice sounds angry, but her face just looks loopy. Franks starts to tell Lynne, but she won't shut up. She just keeps saying that the girls are upset and she's pissed. Frank tells us that he was in way over his head with the house from the beginning and he screwed up. He's trying to explain to Lynne and she just keeps talking over him. He tells her that he didn't pay the deposit on time and that's the problem. Lynne "says" she's "angry" because Frank lied and told her that there wasn't a deposit on this house. Oops. There was - $10K. Yikes. If that's first and last month's rent, their rent is $5K/mo. OR if that's just one month's rent, then it's $10K/mo.

Lynne tells Frank that he should have told her about the money owed and she would have made it happen. Franks tells her that they have been living beyond their means for a long time. Lynne is the most inarticulate person on this show. Seriously. I get what she's saying to Frank and I understand that she's pissed, but she is struggling with the words. She was like that with Gretchen, too. It's hard to watch because I'm so embarrassed for her even though I think she's right.

Lynne tells Frank that she can handle the truth, but Frank says that she doesn't want to listen to the truth. Frank says he's under a lot of pressure to keep them living in these expensive houses and Lynne lies and says she doesn't care about money. YEAH RIGHT. Frank tells her that they need to cut back on their spending. Lynne tells him that she's not going to be the victim. WTF? What is she talking about?? Frank: "You live in this microcosm. It's not even real." Lynne is upset that he embarrassed her and the girls and she doesn't think she'll ever get over this and walks away.

VICKI

Vicki comes home from a business trip and Briana greets her with her new haircut. They sit and talk. Briana tells Vicki about her doctor appointment. They did an ultrasound on her thyroid and her whole neck is covered in nodules. The doctor said he's going to biopsy the biggest nodules. Briana is scared and telling Vicki all the details. Vicki is really worried. Vicki has had tumors on her neck, too, beginning when she was 5 years old. She's definitely worried. It's really sad and hard. Briana tells her about her next appointment and Vicki says that she has some big work commitments that day. Briana whines to us that she might have cancer and all her mom can think about is work. That's not true. Vicki insists that regardless of work, she WILL BE at the next appointment. Vicki is a great mother.


LYNNE

The night they were served, Lynne took the girls to her mom's house and Frank stayed at a hotel. Should he really be spending more money right now? Shouldn't he at least stay in the house since Lynne and the girls are gone? Lynne tells us that Tamra planned this trip to SF for all the girls and she's not sure she should go with all the crap going on right now. She tells us she needs moral support and ends up at Tamra's house. Well, Tamra can definitely relate to your situation, Lynne, but she's not the most stable housewife.

Lynne gives Tamra the recap and Tamra can't believe Lynne is getting evicted. Lynne tells her that she's not talking to Frank right now. I don't get it. Isn't Bravo paying them SOMETHING to be on the show??? If all The Hills bitches get $100K per episode, these ladies have to be getting at LEAST $20K, right? I digress.

Tamra tells Lynne not to be mad at Frank and tries to explain that he probably didn't want her to stress out about money. Tamra's right. They need to be there for each other right now, not fighting with each other. Lynne needs to get past her embarrassment and be supportive. I get it. She's pissed that he lied and that she's in this mess and that she and her kids were humiliated. But Frank is humiliated, too. If she hadn't been spending his money so freely for the past 20 years, they wouldn't be in this mess.

Tamra tells Lynne that she doesn't want to be divorced. Tamra's been there and she tells Lynne that she needs to stick it out. She also tells her to come to SF. They've already paid for their plane tickets and the rooms are taken care of, so Lynne should just get away for the weekend. I agree. Lynne needs a break and SF is the best place for that.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen and Alexis have dinner on Balboa Island at "Billy's at the Beach" restaurant. Alexis tells Gretchen that she's going to get a "skinny girl" to drink. It's basically a margarita with soda water instead of sour mix. Alexis is such a stereotype right now. She's a total cliche for women in the OC.

They start talking about Vicki and Alexis tells Gretchen that she actually likes Vicki, but she felt offended by her at Lynne's dinner party. First, the snoring at the table during Alexis's boring story was rude. And second, when Vicki said that her husband works - it was offensive because the implication was that the other husbands/people didn't work. I agree with the first one, but the second one is stupid. She was just pointing out that Donn works and can't get a weekend off at a moment's notice. She never said that Donn works and no one else does. If people were offended by that, that is their own insecurity. It's just so much easier to vilify Vicki than to accept insecurity.

Gretchen takes this opportunity to tells Alexis and us that she works and has been really working her ass off on her make up line. Whatever, Gretchen.

VICKI

Briana and Vicki head to Briana's doctor appointment. So scary. I haven't had a biopsy, but I can imagine that waiting for the results is super stressful and scary. I hope she's ok. Think whatever you want about Vicki, Briana is a great girl and no one deserves cancer.

ALEXIS

She talks to Jim about SF. She says that she's concerned because Jim doesn't want to go. Jim says that it's not that he doesn't want to go, it's that he has unavoidable work conflicts and can't go. BUT - because he's a controlling troll - he says that he trusts the girls she's going with so it's ok for her to go alone. Gross. It will be the SECOND time in 6 years that they've been apart. OMG. Get over yourselves, you co-dependent freaks! I MUST comment on her outfit. She doesn't work AT ALL and she's at home, but she's wearing a white, collared, button down blouse, SHORT black shorts and black suede boots with FRINGE. She looks ridiculous. Now, some of you may think I'm being all judgmental and offensive because I say she doesn't work at all because being a stay at home mom IS WORK. I agree with you. Staying at home and raising kids is probably the hardest job out there. BUT SHE DOESN'T DO THAT. She has TWO FULL TIME NANNIES!!!! She's not raising any kids. Rant.over.

VICKI

Vicki says that she was the victim of a Hatefest at Lynne's party. She says Alexis is self-centered and Tamra didn't have Vicki's back. Vicki decides to go to SF anyway. She's bringing Briana with her because she feels Briana could use the vacation and maybe Briana will keep the peace with everyone.

The ladies arrive and board the plane. Vicki tells us that she was surprised that Jim wasn't there, but that she felt like he may pop up at some point. Then she says "smelly dork." LOVE IT!!! I totally want to fly Virgin America First Class. It looks awesome. They are staying at the Hotel Vitale on the Embarcadero. It is literally across the street from my old office. I've been to the restaurant in that hotel - Americano's - about 50 times. It's good, not great. I cannot believe they were here and I missed it. They are out on the roof and you can see my old building in the background. Love it.

I'm so jealous. They have dinner at Hubert Keller's restaurant, Fleur de Lys. I've driven by that restaurant a million times, but I've never been. It's on the list of restaurants I want to try. That and Gary Danko. I bet none of those women realize how amazing that restaurant is and how famous Hubert Keller - who personally welcomes them to his restaurant - really is. He's amazing.

As I suspected, they don't know anything about the restaurant. Despite Hubert Keller's heavy French accent and the French name of the restaurant, Gretchen asks what kind of restaurant this is. Dumb. Meanwhile, Alexis is constantly on the phone with her "smelly dork". It's so rude. There's no urgent reason, she's just checking on Jim and the kids...repeatedly. Everyone - not just Vicki - is totally annoyed by the phone calls.

Vicki tells the girls about Briana's health scare. They are supportive but the mood is too somber, so Alexis tries to get Vicki to eat a blue cheese stuffed olive from Gretchen's martini. YUM!! I want one...and the martini, too! Lynne decides to tell the girls about her eviction drama. Vicki tells us what I've known since I started practicing family law, a lot of women have NO IDEA how much money they have, what they owe and for what. Ignorance is bliss until you get screwed (like Lynne) or you get divorced and realize you were living beyond your means. Lynne says that she and Frank have champagne taste on a beer budget...like many people right now.

Gretchen gets the pan seared Foie Gras and it look DE-LISH. Everything looks amazing. Alexis has never tasted Foie Gras so she asks Gretchen for a little taste. Alexis takes a bite and immediately SPITS IT OUT into her napkin. Gross. You are at a 5 STAR restaurant. Keep it together, ladies. See? You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. She's so "new money". No class, but a lot of diamonds. All the women at the table and probably a lot of the women in the OC are a lot like that. Never had money until they married well and now they have all the money in the world, but NO CLASS.

Vicki starts gagging because she has a gag reflex and she's just as dramatic as Alexis. I'd be curious to find out what birth order each of these women is. It would be an interesting study.

After dinner, the ladies head over to the Bubble Lounge to meet up with Briana. I like the Bubble Lounge. I haven't been there in a long time, but I love the place. It's very cool with yummy champagne!! They all toast to Briana's health and they are all very supportive for Vicki and Briana. Gretchen is drunk and totally loses it and starts crying for Briana and telling her she's sorry that Briana and Vicki have to deal with this. Vicki appreciates the compassion from Gretchen - it's called booze, Vicki.

Next day, they are all shopping in Union Square. They are shopping at the most expensive boutiques and Lynne finds a leather jacket for $1185. Now, if I just got evicted, I'm not sure I'd be "celebrating" by purchasing a jacket for almost $1200. Gretchen agrees. Lynne says that she just got paid, so she's gonna buy it. Ridiculous. And then you wonder why Frank doesn't want to share the finances with you. Dingbat!

Next they go to Waterbar for lunch. It's right on the Embarcadero almost across the street from their hotel. I like that place. I went to lunch there a few times and had a great dinner with a couple of friends one night. Delicious if you like seafood.

They all squeeze into a circular booth and have a fantastic view of the bay. Vicki is the rude one this time, checking work emails and making a work call. Alexis bitches to us about it, but it's so not the same. Calling your husband several times during dinner to say "hi" is different from WORKING. Dumb. Vicki apologizes and says that she's sorry if Alexis is offended by her "working", but she can't help it. Alexis says that she's never offended by Vicki working and thinks it's admirable that Vicki is so successful and works so hard. BUT, Alexis tells her that she WAS offended by what happened at Lynne's house. WHY? Why must you open that can of worms??? The trip was going so well.

We'll have to wait until next time to hear what Vicki has to say...

The Bachelor, Season 14, Episode 6

We're down to the final four: Tenley, Ali, Gia and Vienna. Seriously? Is Vienna STILL around? I've heard rumblings that Vienna wins the whole thing. Dumb. I don't love Jake, so I'm not that invested in the success of his relationship. But, for a guy who claims to be seeking true love, I don't understand why he would choose to keep - and maybe even propose to - Vienna. She's not for you, Jake. You will bore her to tears and she will move on.


Let's get this party started. Hometown dates!!

First: GIA, NYC

They run and hug each other. It's so funny to see the people on the street look at them like they are CRAZY. Gia decides to show him NYC by boat. This guy is so frickin' cheesy. Jake asks Gia about her previous relationships and it appears she's attracted to d-bags. One of her exes cheated on her with all of her "friends." It doesn't appear like she is good at choosing boyfriends OR friends. Yikes. Anyhow, Jake deduces that Gia has been hurt - which totally draws him in. Weird.

Jake and Gia arrive at a restaurant to meet Gia's mom, Donna, her stepdad, Tony, her stepbrother, Erick and her half brother, Dylan. Gia's mom is beautiful. They all look so young...except for Tony. He's the only one who looks age appropriate. Gia's stepbrother, Erick, looks like he has the same hairstylist as Pauly D.

Hold up...I actually take it back, her mother, Donna, looks her age and not as beautiful as I initially thought. She just dyes her hair, so she looks young at first glance, but the more you look at her, the more you see her age. Donna is crying and telling Jake how she worries about Gia. Hmmm...Donna's accent suggests that, perhaps they live near the Jersey Shore and Erick may have come up with that hairdo all on his own.

Donna decides to get some alone time. Choose your words carefully, Jake. She looks like she has "friends" or "family", you know, Soprano style. He's talking up Gia and saying how wonderful he thinks she is. Gia and Erick are talking outside and he tells her he doesn't want to see her hurt again and she tells him that she's willing to take that risk with Jake. Erick is cracking me up with the bushy-ass eyebrows, the horn-rimmed glasses and the blonde Pauly D hairdo. HAHA. Donna looks like she's speaking code to Jake. She keeps asking him if he's going to "protect" Gia.

Jake is talking to Erick and tells him that he's very protective. Jake does NOT fit into this family. He's not nearly "guido" enough. After dinner, they sit on the stoop in front of her apartment. They kiss and Jake gushes to us about how much he loves Gia and how beautiful she is. I think they'd make a good couple. She's really pretty and dumb and a little boring. He's kind of cute and boring. It could work.

Next: ALI, Williamstown, MA

As soon as Jake arrives, he runs out of the limo and hugs Ali. CHEESY. Jeez. He's so giddy. He really likes Ali. It's very obvious. I feel like Ali is this cool, San Francisco, marketing girl and Jake is this cheesy, REALLY SHORT dork from Texas. Under no other circumstances would Ali even consider giving this guy the time of day. Seriously. She would NEVER date this guy if she met him in the Marina or anywhere else in SF. She's just way too cool for him. She's got too much personality and charisma for him. He is a D-U-D.

They walk through her little town to her grandma's house. Her grandma has passed away, but Ali was very close to her, so she wanted to share some memories with Jake. They walk through the inside of her grandma's house.

They finally arrive at her mom's house. Jake meets her mom, Elizabeth, her older sister, Raya, and her little brother Mike. Wow, Ali got the cute genes in that family. Ali's mom tells Jake that she never watched the Bachelorette so she had no idea who he was, so she went on the internets to read up about him. She was impressed by his cheesiness.

Ali's mom and Jake go outside to talk. She asks Jake if family is important to him and he tells her that it's most important. He asks her for her blessing if he decides to propose to Ali and she gives it to him. Interesting...I don't think he asked Donna or Tony for their blessing if he proposes to Gia. Maybe he did, I don't remember. Ali's mom tells us that her mother's intuition tells her that Ali will end up with a ring on her finger. Sorry, Elizabeth, I disagree. But, we'll see!

Next: TENLEY, Newberg, OR

Now, Tenley is who Jake SHOULD end up with. She's sweet, cheesy, boring and just perfect for Jake. They both talk about how important their families are to them. Jake tells us that he's a mama's boy and that he always runs things past his folks before he makes decisions. Great.

Next they go to Tenley's first dance studio where she took classes and where she now teaches. She also choreographed a little dance for him that she performs. OMG. These two are perfect for each other. I can't even begin to explain the ridiculousness of that "routine". She basically spun around a hundred times. I could have choreographed that and danced it for that matter. Seriously? Jake tells us it was "amazing", but the look on his face while she was dancing says otherwise. Dumb. Now the two of them are dancing together. Please pick Tenley at the end. She's PERFECT for you, Jake. Don't screw this up.

Tenley's family is really the cutest family ever. Her mom and dad are very cute and sweet. Her sister looks just like her, but taller and a little younger. Tenley tells us that the last time she saw her mom, she told her that her ex-husband was out of the picture. Yikes...so I'm guessing the divorce is a new thing. No wonder Jake wants to make sure she's over the ex.

Robert, Tenley's dad, takes Jake upstairs to talk. Robert wants to make sure that Jake is going to take care of Tenley's heart. Apparently she just got divorced in 2009. Yikes. Robert is so soft-spoken and sweet. He goes back down and talks to Tenley. They are talking about Robert's talk and Robert totally starts crying. Oh good LORD.

Tenley's mom talks to Jake now. Jake asks her if Tenley is ready to move on and date someone new. She tells Jake that she sees that Tenley is a different person from when she last saw her. She's in a better place, but of course, she's going to have emotional setbacks. But, she's ready.

Jake takes Robert outside and asks for his blessing if he decides to ask Tenley to marry him. Robert agrees. Ugh.

Last (and least): VIENNA, Sanford, FL

She is so annoying. She's so confident in an irritating way. Just how she's been saying that Jake is her boyfriend and that Jake's going to pick her in the end. It's totally obnoxious. She's so young and really immature. They go on a boat down the river. She's 23. How could she possibly have "done everything I want to do"?? Really? I think that's not true and, if it is, it is really sad and a little pathetic.

They arrive at her house and we meet her dad, Vinnie, and her stupid little yappy dog, Chloe, Vinnie's wife, Lisa, and a couple of younger siblings. I can't tell if Lisa is Vienna's mom or not. I see similarities in the two, but I don't know. Vienna and her dad are totally crying and hugging. Weird. I'm so confused. I thought that Vienna was some princess whose daddy spoils her rotten. They don't look that well off. It's all very confusing and suspicious.

Vienna and her dad are talking outside. They really have a creepy father-daughter relationship. It's not normal. Vinnie goes to talk to Jake. Vinnie tells Jake that he expects his daughter to feel and be treated like a princess. Annoying. Vinnie also tells him that he's a good judge of character and he can tell that Jake is the real deal. Dumb.

The family is all having dinner. Jake tells them that he really appreciates her honesty. He also tells the family about the trouble Vienna has had with the other girls in the house. Her mom, Lisa, tells Jake that Vienna has had that kind of trouble her whole life and that she's always been honest. RED FLAG!!! SHE DOESN'T GET ALONG WITH GIRLS. That is a total red flag. Same thing when you meet a guy who has no guy friends -- RED FLAG. Of course, Jake doesn't see it as a red flag...because he's an idiot! Jake says that her parents were not surprised to hear that she's having problems with the other girls and he finds that refreshing. Stupid.

BACK IN LA.

Jake has a tough decision tonight at the rose ceremony...maybe not. Ali knocks on his door and she's not happy. She sits down and tells Jake that her boss called and she needs to go back to work...NOW. So her choice is: Stay and maybe get chosen and get fired or go home and keep your job. She's crying and asks Jake to help her. She wants him to tell her that he's going to chose her in the end and beg her to stay. He can't do that, Ali. C'MON!!! As Jake advises, life is about minimizing regrets. So, would you regret leaving Jake knowing that he likes you a lot, but also knowing that he can't promise you anything right now? OR would you regret taking a HUGE risk and sticking around and losing your job? I mean, what will minimize the most regrets. How will you feel if you stay and he doesn't pick you and you have to go home to NO JOB?? And, how will you feel if you leave and never know if he may have picked you, but still have a job? Tough call. I'm not sure what I would do. Although, I would hope that I would be intuitive enough to see that Jake is NOT for me and I'd take off and keep the job. Actually, in this economy, I'd probably keep the job, particularly if I LOVED it as much as Ali says that she does.


Rose ceremony!! Jake is trying to figure out who to send home. Ali looks at the other girls and asks Chris to talk to him. She goes to talk to Jake and, after many tears, she decides that she has to leave. It's too big a risk to stay. She gets in the limo and starts crying that she hopes she made the right decision.

Seriously, Ali, he's not going to pick you. Just let him go. There are plenty of available, good-looking men in SF who are better for you.

Until next time...

Real Housewives OC, Season Five - Episode 11

Last time, Gretchen is starting a make up line, Lynne gets drunk and fights with Gretchen and Tamra and Simon are boring.

TAMRA

Tamra says that Simon doesn't really feel like she loves him. SO, she decides to get a tattoo of his name on her ring finger. Kiss.of.death. Come on, Tamra. Don't you know that as soon as you get some guy's name (or girl's name if that's the case) tattooed on your body, you BREAK UP. It always happens. She's with her son, Ryan, who has a ton of tattoos. I didn't think she'd go through with it, but she did it. Bad idea. OMG. Tamra just tells us that she's heard that as soon as you get a guy's name tattooed on your body, you get divorced or break up and she hopes it's not the kiss of death. HAHAHA!! It is!! That's why you've heard that, sweetie. AND, that's why you only get your kids' names tattooed on your body (if you must tattoo a name on yourself) - they will ALWAYS be your kid!! Dumb.

LYNNE

Lynne tells us that she doesn't know what happened at the cooking class event at Alexis's. Lynne tells us that everything is all good now and that they all made up because "that's how we roll here in the O.C." Whatever. She calls Alexis to invite her to her house for a dinner party. Alexis and Jim are going to Palm Dessert but they'll be back early so they can make her party.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen goes to see Vicki at work to get some financial advice since she's decided to launch her own make-up business and she knows Vicki knows a lot about starting a business and finance. So, to be clear, Gretchen is going to Vicki for ADVICE. Gretchen tells Vicki that she decided to come to her because, of all the housewives, Vicki actually WORKS!! Vicki laughs and makes the comment that she's the only housewife with a job and Gretchen tells her to be nice. Um, how is that MEAN? I don't get it. It's a fact, not a judgment. If the other housewives feel ashamed or embarrassed that they don't work, then that's their problem. But Vicki stating the obvious is not mean. Dumb.

Anyhow, Gretchen pulls out some samples from her make up line, Gretchen Christine Beaute (pronouced, Beau-TAY). So dumb. Vicki tells Gretchen that make-up seems like a super competitive business to get into right now - particularly since we're in a recession. Gretchen tells Vicki that she wants to concentrate on internet sales right now and then go into retail shops. Vicki tells her that she worries about Gretchen putting a lot of money out there without getting any back. She's giving FINANCIAL ADVICE!! So, she asks Gretchen if she got some money when Jeff died. Gretchen says that she didn't get any money from Jeff, so Vicki asks if Slade is helping her. Gretchen is visibly uncomfortable and says that he helps her a little bit, but that he's struggling, too. Vicki asks if Slade has a job and she lies and says that he does. I think he's Gretchen's "manager". Dumb. Gretchen takes this line of questioning personally and sees it as an attack by Vicki. Gretchen CAME to VICKI to ask for her professional advice regarding the business. Vicki wants to know if Gretchen has other sources of income before she just gives her advice. You can't advise someone without knowing all the facts. UGH. Gretchen is so annoying. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure Vicki was also curious about all those answers, too, but it makes sense to ask them to see if it makes sense for Gretchen to pursue something if she has no money!!

Vicki tells us that she thinks Slade uses people and that he's using Gretchen.

ALEXIS

Jim and Alexis head to Palm Desert for their weekend get-a-way. They are going to the Desert Springs Marriot in Palm Desert. Apparently that's the place where they met each other. They are having the dumbest conversation in the car. She tells him that she can only lay out one day because she only brought one bikini. Jim doesn't understand why she would only bring one bikini for the whole weekend and Alexis explains that she didn't think they'd be laying out more than one day. So Jim says that he'll buy her another bikini. Um, why can't she use the same bikini two days in a row?? I'm confused. The rest of the country seems to manage to do this. Why can't Alexis? This is the dumbest thing ever. If she's worried that it will still be wet, I'm sure Jim can pay someone to wash and dry it for her.

They are staying in the Presidential Suite. Wait a minute. HOLD THE PHONE!!!! These uber Christian posers have each been married before??? WTF?? Wow. That's awesome. I guess Alexis's divorce was kind of nasty. These guys are a piece of work. They are two of the most superficial and materialistic people on that show. I love that her ex-husband says that the only thing that has changed is her nose and she has bigger boobs. HAHA. Alexis tells us that she met Jim while she was relaxing after her first divorce and he swept her off her feet...with an American Express Black Card.

Jim had been single for 10 years and he was looking for sexy elegance and that's what he found in Alexis. They are paying $2900/night for that room. Ridiculous.

He is so gross. Jim tells her what to order and she totally trusts him so she lets him choose for her. She is so dumb.

GRETCHEN

Gretchen tells us that she's getting a booth together for the Women's Environment Expo for her make-up line. She's at some warehouse asking someone to help her put a booth together. She wants it to look very old Hollywood. It turns out to put a production together costs a lot of MONEY!!

TAMRA

Tamra and Simon go Harley riding with some friends to Newport Beach for some lunch. They go to a bar/grill type place called "Mutt Lynch's". It must be really loud in there because Tamra is YELLING. She takes this opportunity to talk to Simon and she starts all wrong. She tells him that the other night when she said she was with her friend, Ricky, she lied. She tells him that she needs to let him know something. Simon is freaking out and asks her if this is the appropriate time. It's super awkward and seems like she's going to confess some affair or something. She shows him the tattoo and he was super shocked and speechless. He holds her hand and tells her that it's the first unselfish thing she's done in a long time. He's a little teary-eyed.

DINNER PARTY AT LYNNE'S HOUSE

Tamra and Simon arrive first and the four of them have a drink. They all start Vicki-bashing until Gretchen and Slade show up. Tamra is getting drunk. Vicki and Donn show up and so do Alexis and Jim. Tamra and Vicki go outside and Simon comes over and she tries to get them to make up. Vicki says she can get passed it. Then Simon says that he can get passed it ... if Vicki stays out of his marriage. Which gets them started again. Simon storms off. The problem is that Vicki doesn't seem to get it. I love Vicki, but she has the same problem I do. We think we know what's best for everyone else. But, we don't. Sometimes we might, but we need to let them figure it out for themselves. She needs to just learn to be a good listener and support Tamra when she's venting about Simon and not give her opinion. Trust me, I know it's super hard. But that's what she's got to do. Sooner or later, Tamra will figure out that Simon is a controlling asshole. And, since she just filed for divorce, I'm guessing she has.

Simon gets pissed and whines to Jim. Simon sees them still talking and goes outside and tells Vicki to butt out! Vicki keeps telling him that she could give a rat's ass about their marriage. Simon goes back inside and takes off when he sees Vicki and Tamra keep talking. Tamra finds out that Simon left and she walks outside. Simon tells Tamra that Vicki's marriage sucks and that Vicki is a piece of shit. Simon says that Vicki doesn't like that Tamra is married to him. Tamra hugs him and starts crying. He tells her to be on his side and that he's not controlling and let's her do whatever she wants. Um, except travel without you and now you're telling her not to be friends with Vicki. Hmmm. So, now Tamra has decided that Vicki is not a good friend and she only wants to be with Simon.

Dinner is served. They all sit around the table and Vicki and Simon end up sitting next to each other. Lynne and Frank tell the story of how they first met. It's very cute. They met at a yogurt shop and Lynne was looking hot with baby-oiled legs. Then Tamra tells the story of her and Simon and they met at a dance club...go figure. Now it's Alexis's turn. She gives EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of how she and Jim met, down to putting on sunscreen and what she was wearing from head to toe. Her story is twice as long as the others put together with entirely too much detail. So Vicki and Donn pretend to be asleep and start snoring at their end of the table. Everyone thinks it's funny until Alexis gets offended. In Alexis's defense, they were rude and it was not nice especially since she and Vicki are not close. BUT, in Vicki's defense, it wasn't just Vicki - it was Donn, too, and it was a really LONG, BORING, DETAILED story AND it was a joke!!

Someone asks if Vicki went to Greece with Donn. Vicki says that Donn wasn't invited and it was just Vicki, her mom and her daughter. Gretchen thinks that the "not invited" thing is weird and she doesn't understand why you would tell your spouse or significant other that he isn't invited. It's all semantics, Gretchen. Who the fuck cares? I may seem a little biased because I like Vicki, but seriously??? Who cares if she tells Donn he's not invited to things. He doesn't want to go anyway. It's not like she's hurting his feelings or putting him down. Get over it, people. Vicki goes to the restroom and when she returns they are talking about Florida and how Donn should have gone. Again, he reminds them that it was a girls' weekend and he wasn't invited. They ask Vicki why Donn wasn't invited and BOTH Donn and Vicki say that Donn has a job: "He works."

Well, apparently, everyone at the table is offended that Vicki told them that Donn works. Maybe it's because NO ONE ELSE AT THE TABLE WORKS!!! Gretchen tells us that she's been working her butt off trying to launch her make-up line. Whatever, Gretchen. If you're working so hard, how are you able to go to cooking parties at 1:30pm during the week? Seriously? The only reason everyone at that table is offended by the fact that Vicki and Donn work is because none of the others do - or at least, the wives don't.

Alexis says that she's offended that Vicki insinuated that she doesn't work. She says she has three small children and a husband that she takes exceptional care of. Hold up, wait a minute. YOU HAVE TWO FULL TIME NANNIES WHO TAKE CARE OF YOUR THREE SMALL CHILDREN. So don't even try to say that you "work" as a stay at home mom. That's BULLSHIT.

These people are dumb. I think Vicki should retire from the Real Housewives and let these losers do it on their own.

Vicki and Donn take off. Vicki says that every one of those bitches is fucked up. But, Vicki is human and it's upsetting to her that they are all talking shit about her back at Lynne's house. She's hurt. I'm sorry, but I didn't see Vicki being offensive. She just said that Donn couldn't go to Florida because he works. If people get offended by that, then that is their own issue, not Vicki's.

Next morning, Lynne and Frank get served with an eviction notice. YIKES!

Until next time...

Kell on Earth, Season 1, Episode 2

"Who's Next?"

It's still Fashion Week and People's Revolution is going crazy! We ended last week's episode with Stephanie (from now on, Stephanie S. is Stephanie or Steph and Stephanie Vorhees is Vorhees) having a nervous breakdown because the computer system was down and the Chado Ralph Rucci people needed the seating chart and RSVP list ASAP. Everyone is scrambling and handwriting in the seating chart to fill in what isn't getting printed. Steph walks up with her laptop and says that she's going to cry and Kelly sets her straight. She tells her not to cry and stay focused. Robyn and Stephanie go get ready and head to the show. We are two hours from showtime, so Kelly is racing to get it done.

Kelly arrives at the show and she meets up with Ralph Rucci and tells him that everything is under control. You can't let your client know the clusterfuck that's happening behind the scenes. He needs to know that it's all going to be ok and everything is good. She eases his mind and it's all good.

Kelly is handling the press backstage before the show. Out front, Emily and Robyn are taking care of all the check ins and seat assignments with Stephanie. Ralph Rucci starts freaking out that there is too much press backstage for first looks. So Kelly gets in full publicist mode and starts kicking everyone out. She knows that after the show, Ralph will bitch that there aren't enough pics from backstage before the event, so she has a couple of photogs stick around and take some pics. She just makes sure they don't crowd his highness.

The front of the house still looks like a total mess. There are tons of people just cluttering the entrance. To further complicate matters, there are a lot of crashers trying to get into the show and they're all crowding the entrance. Kelly goes out on the floor to regulate. She starts kicking out people from the front row who don't actually have seats in the front row. They tell Kelly that Rosina Rucci told them to sit there and Rosina totally denies it. Kelly says she's sorry to one man and he snarks back "You should be sorry." Oh no he di'in't. It's a total madhouse. At the entrance, in the tent. OMG. People are just crashing left and right.

Emily realizes that the mad crowd at the entrance is all people without invites. She closes up and goes inside and tells Kelly that they're ready. Kelly kicks out a few more people who were taking seats that didn't belong to them. And the show begins...It's a huge success. Everyone is happy, especially everyone at People's Revolution. They are all so excited that it's OVER!! Show from hell!

Rosina Rucci comes to Kelly after the show and tells her that there were a lot of unhappy people at the show. Kelly waves the cameras to not film this part. I bet Kelly told Rosina that those people sucked and didn't matter, so they should just STFU and be happy that they were even there.

Two hours after the show, the PR team is having dinner. They rehash the evening's events. Kelly tells them that Chado Ralph Rucci is a really important brand for them. But, shit happens. The mistakes that happened were out of their control. What are you going to do?

Two days after the Chado show, Kelly is on the phone with Rosina Rucci, Chado's Director of Publicity. Ralph Rucci is still pissed about the seating debacle. Kelly tells her that he's getting great reviews and she can't understand what his problem is. Basically, Ralph Rucci is pissed and thinks the seating arrangement issues were to blame for Women's Wear Daily putting Diane Von Furstenberg on the cover instead of him. Get over yourself. Kelly ends up telling Rosina that she takes responsibility for the computer problem, but he had a great show and if he needs to take it out on Kelly, so be it. Give her the final check and see ya! Rosina: You're fired!

Kelly goes upstairs to check in on Ava. Ava is having a playdate and they are going through her closet to pick out some back to school looks. Ava is really cute.

Ralph Rucci sucked and getting fired suck BUT, the show must go on. Next up is the Genetic Demin Show which is in two days. Genetic Demin is one of PR's favorite clients and Kelly meets with the Creative Director of GD, Ali Fatourechi to discuss the space. PR was hired to organize the guest list, manage RSVPs and hire the models for the off-site presentation at Fashion Week.

PR starts with casting. Kelly tells us that Genetic Denim is all she wears and that they are really popular for their skinny jeans and their "jeggins" (jean leggings). They cast these pasty, waif-y models for the presentation.

Vorhees is training a bunch of interns on how to use their complicated CISCO phone system. It's not that hard, people. Steph tells us that it's the middle of Fashion Week and everyone is crazy busy and Vorhees's job should have entailed more than just training interns on the phone...especially since Steph could really use some help.

Steph and Andrew (Robyn's asst) leave the office to take a break. Andrew used to do hair in LA, so he tells Steph that he can't stand to look at her roots anymore and decides to color her hair.

Back at the office, Vorhees is charged with stamping envelopes and she can't even do that right. Emily asks her why she is stamping them with $0.61 stamps. Vorhees says that she thought they should be $0.44, but $0.61 was all that was "back there". Dumbass. Emily is NOT happy. It's a small envelope. Why would you put a $0.61 stamp on it?? Vorhees tells us that she's managing the interns and that THEY put the wrong stamp on the envelopes. "No one taught me how to do it. Of course things are gonna be done wrong." ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? You couldn't figure that out by yourself? Stoo-pid. She basically tells Emily the same thing and Emily says that it's common sense and "we have to use our brains, you know?" Good point!

Vorhees goes to the interns and has them take off the $0.61 stamps and try to salvage them. They she asks the other Andrew - Kelly's asst - if they have anymore $0.44 stamps. He says no and tells her to text Stephanie. So Vorhees calls Stephanie and asks her where the stamps are. Stephanie says that they are probably in the back and tells her to look because everything is labeled. If they aren't back there, then she needs to get more. Vorhees just says that she doesn't know where anything is because ... let me guess ... no one told her! Ugh. Fire her already. Andrew finishes Stephanie's hair and they head back to PR.

It's the day before the Genetic Denim event and Vorhees is in charge of the interns again and today she's managing them while they put gift bags together for the editors. Kelly walks back to where the interns are and she sees the "gift bags" and they look HORRIBLE. They are basically white bags with the names of the editors HANDWRITTEN in awful handwriting. It's so cheap looking. Kelly is PISSED. She tells them they need to get re-done. The bags look awful.

Kelly goes out to the office and yells for all the interns to come to her right now! Kelly: "Here's the deal. I'm just going to make this really easy. I have worked my ass off for 12 fucking years to build this company. DO NOT MAKE ONE FUCKING DECISION ABOUT MY BUSINESS AND MY CLIENTS. Do you understand me? Do not take anything upon yourself. Do not do a mailing. Do not fucking do anything until somebody has come to you and said 'I approve this.' Is everybody clear on that? I'm over it. I am a fucking babysitter here. I don't need 6 people to stand in a room to organize 15 fucking bags. You can't work in the fucking fashion industry and write names with a Sharpie and throw a pair of jeans in a bag. This isn't college. This is hundreds of millions of dollars of people's money. JESUS. I want all the interns to take a 30 minute break...and if you're not prepared to work and do it my way, then don't come back." Yikes.

Vorhees tells us that she wasn't given any direction (that's like her motto) so she doesn't think this was her fault.

Kelly goes to the site of the Genetic Demin presentation to take a look at the space. This is Ali Fatourechi's first show at Fashion Week, so it's a huge deal for him.

Kelly comes back to the office to check on the interns. They've added tissue paper - good - but still kept the Sharpie written bags of which some are MISSPELLED (i.e. Financial District spelled "fincial district") - bad. Kelly tells us that she tries to teach the interns common sense and consciousness because they have neither when they get to her.

She goes off on the interns. She's PISSED that she has to waste her time undo-ing AGAIN what the interns did. She yelled at them and they went back and did the same f-ing thing!!! DON'T WRITE WITH A SHARPIE ON THE BAGS! How hard is this people?? She needs a new batch of interns. Tim - one of the interns - tells us that it's not fair for the interns to get yelled at when no one gave them directions. Oh good LORD. He and Vorhees are from the same school. And, he's wrong. Kelly yelled at them about writing with a Sharpie on a bag, so that means, DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. Does someone really needs to spell that out for you. Ugh.

Kelly just decided to do it herself. She tells us she's getting over the idea of having interns. She thinks they should pay her. "You want to come and learn from me and work in my office, then you have to pay me $10K." I love it.

Stephanie is totally overworked. Andrew - Kelly's assistant - tells Vorhees that they need to help Steph out. Vorhees tells Andrew that she needs to be told what to do like in detail. She can't do stuff if no one explains what it is. UGH. Andrew tells us that Vorhees is the type of girl who never had any problems and just pranced around in her dresses and got asked out left and right. Vorhees says that she can't sleep for 2 hours and then be productive the next day. Andrew tells her that it's 5 hours and they need to help Steph out. HA.

Tim is an intern from Northern Ireland. Kelly says that despite all the crap with the interns, she really likes working with young people. Tim is on the phone with his mom and she tells him that his father is worried about him. Tim tells his mom he loves her and then hands the phone to Kelly. Kelly tells his mom that he's been working hard. His mom tells Kelly that his father is worried because they hadn't heard from him since yesterday. Kelly tells her that Tim has been working too hard and that he's doing a great job. She hands the phone back to Tim and his mom tells him that Kelly is "so sweet". HAHAHAHA. Wait until she watches the show.

It's the night of the show and Kelly has a pocket full of crystals from one of the installations at the show. She's handing them out and gives one to her friend from Vanity Fair and he SWALLOWS it!!! He thought it was a PILL.

So Vorhees is in charge of scheduling the interns and one of them walks in and says that she didn't know she was working the event so she didn't wear all black. Stephanie tells Vorhees that she has so much to do, she can't micromanage Vorhees, too. Stephanie tells Vorhees that she'll call the interns. Vorhees tries to do her job and insists that she do it because Steph has too much to do. Stephanie says no and Emily tells Vorhees to sit down. Then she tells Vorhees that the incompetence is unacceptable. Ouch.

Stephanie is PISSED. All Vorhees had to do was schedule the interns and confirm with them by phone that they were working and instruct them to wear black. Vorhees keeps saying she'll call them all now and Emily says that she'll do it. The second person she confirms says that she didn't know she was working. Stephanie walks out into the stairwell. She's frustrated because she counted on Vorhees and Vorhees fucked up yet again.

Stephanie goes to Kelly and tells her what happened. Kelly tells us that PR girls get caught up in the drama of everything and if they just kept focused instead of bitching, it would be done already. So she listens in a mama bear way and tries to diffuse the situation. Kelly tells us that Stephanie knows everything in the office, so instead of learning how to do things, everyone just relies on Stephanie because she knows how to do it. Kelly is not surprised that Vorhees just left everything to Stephanie. Kelly asks if Stephanie is tired and Stephanie says that she's really stressed out. She starts to cry and says that she's being pulled in so many directions and it's too much.

Kelly tells Stephanie to get through tonight and then take a break.

It's almost showtime. A presentation is when you have models stand around for 2-3 hours and it's a great way to get on editors' radar in a much more intimate way. Kelly says that the presentation could be fabulous but if it doesn't get results, she'll get fired. So she's working hard to get the press interested and excited about the designer.

All of a sudden, one of the models collapses! The EMTs arrive and give him oxygen. Kelly tells Emily to walk around with the press to draw the least amount of attention to the fallen model. Kelly's pissed because when the model collapsed, he brought down part of the crystal curtain with him. HA. Kelly regulated and made the firemen get out of the way and had them turn off the obnoxious lights. Hardly anyone noticed and the model even came back to work. The presentation was a success!!

Next day, Vorhees is talking to Kelly and tells her that she knows she's been fucking up but she just has too much on her plate. Kelly asks her if she's quitting and Vorhees says no. Then Kelly asks if she wants Kelly to fire her and Vorhees says no. So Kelly tells her to relax and STEP IT UP!

See you next time!

Kell on Earth, Season 1, Episode 1

I have been waiting for this show to begin. I LOVE IT!! Kelly Cutrone is my hero.

KELLY

Kelly Cutrone is the owner and a partner of PEOPLE'S REVOLUTION. People's Revolution is a Public Relations and Branding firm. It's Kelly's - and her partners and employees - job to produce fashion shows all over the world and get press for their clients. It's their job to get the clothes off the runways and into magazines and onto the backs of celebrities so that everyone will want to buy them!

ROBYN

Robyn is one of Kelly's partners. She's really pretty and seems sweet, but she's totally got an edge to her. She likes things done right and she gets pissed when they aren't.

EMILY

Emily is also one of Kelly's partners. She's also pretty and has an edge. The three of them are super powerful and great at their jobs. They demand excellence and they won't settle for less.

Kelly informs us that they are in the fashion BUSINESS and most of her employees will realize that they don't get it and aren't good enough. It's a tough business. You need tough skin and killer organizational skills.

On top of being totally badass, Kelly is also a single mom to 7 year old, Ava.


Kelly is having a company meeting and tells everyone that it's officially FASHION WEEK and she's "fucking out for motherfucking keeps." She's serious, y'all. They have TEN fashion week events so they are super busy. The partners tell the employees/interns/assistants that they need to step it up, not screw up and be there everyday until Fashion Week is over. Kelly tells them her office "rule": "I have a rule that there's no crying in the office. If you have to cry, go outside. And, if you're sensitive and somebody hurts your feelings, I don't give a fuck. This is not group therapy, so get over it. We're not really mean, but we'll say mean things to you for sure. So just know, if you're crying or having a bad day and you've been knocked around, the best thing to do is to come back. Some days just fucking suck." I love her.

Everyone is freaking out and running around like meth addicts. It's totally frantic because everything needs to be organized and calls are being made to finalize guest lists and seating charts. David Delfin - the "most famous designer in Spain" - is coming into the office so the showroom upstairs needs to look perfect. Robyn has Stephanie V. - Account Exec - clean it up. She does "her best" and shows Robyn and she totally changes things around. David Delfin stops by to talk about what's going on for the show. They go over stuff and he stays for awhile and then leaves. Stephanie V. bitches that she cleaned the showroom and got shit from Robyn for not doing it right all for nothing because they didn't even see it. She bugs.

Stephanie S. is Kelly's previous assistant who was promoted to Junior Account Executive. She looks rough. She has a love/hate relationship with Kelly. On one hand she totally respects her and sees her as a role model, but on the other hand, she is a hard ass bitch.

Andrew is Kelly's new assistant. He's got long black hair and looks sort of like a cross between a goth and a rocker. He's gay, which I never would have guessed and he's super cool. Kelly hired him because she was sick of blond sorority girls who "like fashion". She tells Andrew that she's actively looking for a sexual partner for him. No sexual harassment at PR, eh?

Kelly grabs the NY POST and sees that Ashley Dupre - "escort" who slept with Elliot Spitzer - is on the cover. Apparently, last year during FASHION WEEK, Ashley showed up at one of Kelly's client's shows and sat in the front row. Kelly didn't kick her out and didn't think it was a big deal: "I didn't think it was a big since half the people sitting in the front are f****** people for money. They're just their wives." HAHA. UNTIL...her client came to her the next day and fired her for letting a "hooker sit in the front row" of the show. Yikes.

Kelly is AWESOME. She invites Ashley to come to PR. She and Ashley have become friends. Kelly's perspective is that everyone is a hooker to a certain extent. She may not necessarily WANT to talk to her clients but she does because they are paying her to. Heh. Ashley tells Kelly that she and her friends were going to crash Fashion Week again and Kelly tells her not to and that she should lay low.



Everyone is working on the David Delfin show in two hours!! Kelly shows up and checks out how everything is going. Andrew - her assistant - is wearing a floor length sequin dress and a flannel shirt. WTF? Apparently, it's fashion. I think it's ugly, but what do I know?

It's 30 minutes to the show and Kelly tells everyone that it's time for FIRST LOOKS. That means the models change out of their own clothes and into their first look for the show. There's a rule that photographers CANNOT shoot backstage during FIRST LOOKS because most of the models are under 18 and naked. Kelly spots a photographer shooting First Looks and kicks him out. She doesn't have time for that shit.


Back at PR, people are working frantically on the other shows. Next up is the Chado Ralph Rucci show. Stephanie S. tells us she's from Chicago and she's been in NYC for 3 years. She loves the fashion industry and the lifestyle but she's super nervous because it's her first fashion week where she's not an intern or Kelly's assistant. Robyn's assistant, Andrew S., is super gay and adorable. He tells us that he left his secure job as a colorist in LA to move to NYC and join the fashion business. He left his successful job in California to come to NYC and "be called a retard. Supposedly living my dream." Hmmm. He hands Stephanie S. a list and tells her that those are all the RSVPs and Stephanie S. asks him if he's sure. Andrew gets all offended and tells her to chillax and pop an Adivan. She refuses and tells him to stop pushing her to take a pill. She really could use one, though.


There's some "monitor" drama backstage at the David Delfin show and Kelly takes care of it. She goes to the Director's Booth to run the show. Andrew - Kelly's assistant - is crushing on one of the 22 year old models. The show goes off without a hitch and backstage Kelly is coordinating the press. Back at PR, Kelly tries to hook her asst. up with the hot Spanish model. Oops, he has a boyfriend. Too bad, so sad.


Robyn gives us the layout of the PR office building. People's Revolution's showroom is on the 2nd Floor, the office is on the 3rd Floor, Kelly's apartment is the 4th Floor, and another showroom is on the 5th Floor. Robyn is living on the 5th Floor because her lease ended and she had to move out of her apartment. I would HATE to live where I work...oh wait, I do. Ugh.

Kelly is at home cooking dinner for Ava with Ava's nanny. Kelly tells us that she had Ava alone because she and her boyfriend broke up when she was pregnant. I guess he's totally out of the picture now. She has set up PR to be a live/work building so she can always be with Ava. I think that's cool. I actually wouldn't mind that set up. Robyn actually lives in the office/showroom. But Kelly has an entire floor that is her home so she's actually getting away. Then, she just goes down a couple of floors to work. It's kind of a sweet set up if you have a family.

Everyone is freaking out over the seating chart for the Chado show. Kelly tells us that Chado Ralph Rucci is the only American Couturier which means he is a member of the Federation of Couture. So when people talk about wearing a couture gown, it's not really couture unless the designer is a Couturier. The seating chart is SUPER important. Where you sit determines how much power you have. So, rows 1-3 means you're in. Anything above that - you're out. And, magazine people can't sit next to each other and you can't put InTouch, US Weekly, etc. next to celebrities. It's all very political. So crazy. The coordination is out of control and super complicated.

There's some drama because Stephanie S. asked Stephanie V. to help her and she didn't do it. DRAMA and STRESS. Stephanie S. is freaking out. Steph V. admits she fucked up but tells us that she's human and she makes mistakes. Oooh, better not admit that to Kelly. She no like dat. Kelly tells Steph S. that the lesson is that you can't just delegate and leave it alone, you need to follow up to make sure it's getting done. True dat. So Kelly solves the problem and puts Andrew - her asst. - in charge. He's not thrilled with that, but that's the way it goes.

Kelly is VBI (very busy & important) so she doesn't have time to go out and do normal things like eyebrow waxes and mani/pedis. So they come to her office and do it for her there. HA! Awesome. I want that.

It's the day before the Chado Ralph Rucci show and they are trying to figure out the RSVP list and seating chart. Andrew - Kelly's Asst. - screws up. He added names to the RSVP list without checking to see if they were invited. Robyn is pissed because she's only taking RSVPs from people who were invited. Not invited? NOT COMING. Steph S. helps Andrew fix the problem because she really likes him and doesn't want him to get fired. He doesn't really know what he's doing so she's taken him under her wing to help him.

It's 20 hours to the show and they are all scrambling. Andrew - Kelly's asst. - is a good friend. He tells Steph S. to try not to stress so much. He tells her to cry and she tells him she feels stupid. He tells her to put it into context. Chado is freaking everyone out and the partners are freaking out on Steph S. Shit rolls downhill, Steph. They are trying to finalize and correct the RSVP list so they can send it to Chado's people.

18 hours to the show and the team is still working on the RSVP list/Seating chart. Andrew sums it up - every person in every seat at the show has an enormous ego. That's why Robyn and Kelly are the ones in charge - they know everyone and everything and they are stellar at coordinating it all.

5 hours to the show and Chado is freaking out about the list/seating chart. He wants to see it so that he will know who will be at the show. Ava comes down to see her mom and tells her that she wants to sit in the front row. Kelly tells her to relax because she's 7!! HA. Kelly tells Steph S. to print out the seating chart and ... there's a problem with the printer/computer. It's not printing and then it does, and it's missing data. DRAMA. Kelly wants to know if the list has been sent and Steph S. tells her that there's a problem. The system crashed and Kelly is PISSED. She's yelling for Steph S. to print it and send it right now. Steph S. is crying and doesn't know what to do. She won't send it out wrong.

So Steph S. tells Kelly that she's going to type it all in. Kelly says NO and Steph S. tells her she's not sending it out as is. But it's beyond their control. The system is down. Kelly gets it but she's pissed.

THE END. Love it.

The Bachelor, Season 14, Episode 5

Only 5 girls left!! Jake is dropping them like flies. We're down to Ali, Tenley, Corrie, Gia and Vienna. This week they are in SAN FRANCISCO!!!


I seriously can't believe that they were in SF and I didn't know about it. The girls are in the RV on their way to SF. I love San Francisco and not just because I live here. OMG. Ali lives in San Francisco. I didn't know that. I wonder where she lives. They are all staying at the Mark Hopkins in Nob Hill. The girls are all looking at their suite. SO NICE. This week there are 3 one on one dates and one two on one date.

First date: TENLEY!! She is really nervous about finally getting a one on one date. She got the first one, but it's been awhile. They go outside and take a trolley - just for them - and they are touring the city. They end up in Chinatown. They are enjoying some food and window shopping. They go to a fortune cookie place and they write their own fortunes. They are going to save them for dessert. They have some tea and make out. Tenley says that falling in love in SF would be incredible. Eh. It's pretty much like falling in love anywhere else.

The girls are back in the room and get the next date card. Corrie says that it's Ali and Vienna. It gets totally quiet and the girls are visibly upset. Then Corrie says "JUST KIDDING!!" HAHA. That was awesome. The date is actually Gia and Vienna. Vienna gets up to leave the room and the girls make her stay. Corrie apologizes for the joke and asks if Vienna is mad about that or about going on the 2 on 1 date. Vienna says she doesn't want to talk about it and looks at Ali. Ali asks her if she wants her to leave and Vienna says "Sure." So Ali tells Vienna that if this has something to do with her, she would appreciate Vienna telling her to her face. Vienna brings up Ali freaking out at the rose ceremony after Vienna got a rose. Ali tells her that it was just her opinion and not personal...ok, that's not actually true.

Tenley and Jake are having dinner on the roof of Coit Tower. Wow. Incredible. Jake asks her what mistakes she made in her marriage. Tenley says that she took things for granted. She asks what his expectations are about marriage. Jake says he expects his wife to have his back and always have respect for one another. Tenley asks Jake about pilots and cheating and Jake tells her that the woman he marries will be the last woman he looks at. They kiss and they open their fortune cookies. They both wrote the same fortune: "KISS ME". Cute...and cheesy. They are so made for each other. They make out and the "On the Wings of Love" MUZAK plays in the background again.

Jake sent a giant chest full of clothes for Gia and Vienna. The limo picks them up and takes them across the Golden Gate bridge to Napa. They arrive at Castello di Amorosa in Napa and it looks like a castle. Jake tells us that he's nervous about the date because being on a date with two girls is "almost awkward". Really? Almost? It's absolutely awkward. The girls arrive and Vienna says: "I'm my dad's princess and now I'm Jake's queen and he's my Prince Charming." UGH.

Back at the house, Tenley and Ali are talking and Ali is saying that she's nervous about what Vienna is saying about her and hopes that, if she says anything negative, Jake will talk to Ali about it.

Vienna and Gia are talking to Jake. Although Vienna really dominates the conversation so Gia is feeling a little bit like a third wheel. Then, Vienna changes the focus and says that she wants to talk about what happened at the last rose ceremony with Ali. She tells him that Ali was upset because she doesn't understand how Jake can like someone like Vienna, but also like Ali. Vienna starts crying. Gia is just watching the scene. Jake says that he doesn't care what other people think. He also said that when he let Jessie and Ashleigh leave, he knew that he wanted to keep Vienna. Jake interrupts Vienna's meltdown and takes Gia out for some alone time.

In their alone time, Gia has a little mini breakdown about Jake dating other girls. You know, the typical freak out. What's he supposed to say? This is the way the game is played, my friends. Jake says that he's falling for her and that she's "drop dead gorgeous". I think that Gia is super insecure and this attention from Jake is a total ego boost, but I honestly don't think she's that into him. She just likes to hear the reassurances from him.

Meanwhile, Vienna is walking around the winery looking for Jake and Gia. Vienna is scared because it's totally dark and she's yelling for Jake and she finally finds them. I really hate how Vienna keeps referring to Jake as her boyfriend. Jake asks Vienna what married life would look like for her. She thinks it should be fun and passionate everyday and exciting and full of travel. I think Jake would BORE HER.

Corrie gets the date card for her one on one date with Jake.

Jake shows Vienna and Gia their room. Vienna takes off and goes to find Jake in his room. Gia thinks that it's too much to go to his room. Vienna finds him and gives him a glass of wine. She hops on the bed with Jake and they drink some wine. He says that she's sexy as hell - um, has he SEEN Vienna? She is not cute. It was awkward and Jake was uncomfortable, so she went back upstairs. Vienna couldn't tell if he was happy to see her or not because it was awkward.

Corrie and Jake head out on their date. They meet in Golden Gate Park. They are at the Japanese Tea Garden and walking around. They get in a small boat and go around the pond. Corrie tells Jake that she doesn't really casually date. She grew up being taught that you should only date guys that you could potentially marry, so she hasn't dated too much. They are talking and then it's totally silent. Awkward. She wanted him to kiss her and she thought it would happen, but it wasn't happening. Now it's just weird. He finally said that it's time for dinner. Jake says that he likes Corrie, but things are going really slow and he's not sure why.

Back in the room, Ali gets her date card and she's got to plan the date. I'm so excited to see everything because she lives near me!!

Corrie and Jake are at the California Academy of Sciences museum and they are all alone. They walk through it and Corrie tells us that things are awkward and he's probably wondering why things are going slow. He is. They are having dinner at the museum. Corrie asks what he's thinking. Jake tells her that things are going slow and was wondering why. Corrie says that she moves slower than the other girls and she'll tell him what he wants to know. Jake asks where she would live if they got engaged. Corrie says she'd move to Dallas but she'd need her own apartment. Then Jake asks how she feels about living with someone before marriage. Corrie shakes her head and says that she wouldn't live with someone before marriage because she thinks that's part of the gift of marriage. Jake asks if she's saving herself for marriage and she says YES. Ah, the virgin. I wouldn't have guessed that Corrie was the virgin, but the more I think about it, it makes sense. Tenley would have gotten the vote, but she's been married. Jake lies to Corrie and tells her that he respects her choices. Whatever, she's outta there.

Corrie says that she feels good about telling Jake. She says she can see herself engaged to Jake. Sorry. Not gonna happen. He kisses her and tells her that he really wanted to do that for a long time. He pretends there's a connection.

Ali is getting ready for her date. Jake shows up and they head up to the roof to look around the city. Hmmm, it doesn't look like she lives in the Marina. She takes him to Union Street and says it's her favorite street. They stop at the flower shop on Union Street. I know exactly where they are. He buys her a bouquet of flowers.

Back at the hotel, Vienna is upset that he's on a date with Ali. Vienna is upset because they have a rose ceremony that night and he's spending the day with Ali. They walk into a cafe on Union and hang out. I don't think I've been there, but I've seen it. He asks Ali what a typical Sunday is for her. She tells him that she checks her email to make sure there aren't any emergencies and then she comes out to Union Street to eat somewhere OUTSIDE. She loves being outside in SF. I hear you, sister. Ali tells him that she LOVES Texas so she'd be happy there, too. She tells him her hometown date would be Williamstown, not SF. She says he would meet her mom and her sister, but nothing about her dad.

I think she might live in Cow Hollow, which is next to the Marina. I wonder if I've ever seen her around. OH, she runs along Krissy Field. They are walking along the water and she tells him that's her run route. They play around on Krissy Field and she lays out a blanket. She gets on top of him and gives him a massage and then they make out.

Then they walk out by the beach and drink some champagne. Jake tells Ali that if anything is ever bothering her, she can come to him. He tells her that there may have been something at the last rose ceremony. Ali tells him that she just wants him to be happy. She says that she understands that you can love someone despite what other people think. And that other people might see things in someone that you don't see. So sometimes she doesn't understand the decisions that Jake makes. Jake asks her if she has specific questions she would like answered. She tells him that if he picks her, then she's here for him 100%. If he picks someone else, she respects that. He has to do what's right for him and only he knows what's right for him. They finally admit that they are talking about Vienna. He justifies why he has kept her and Ali just says that he has to do what's right for him. They kiss and make out.

They run into the water and I think she may have just ruined her suede boots. She's going to be pissed when she's not the last one standing.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!! Jake pretends like he has NO IDEA who he's sending home. Obviously, it's going to be the virgin. He and Tenley have alone time and she tells him her fears about their connection. She feels like they have an amazing connection, but she's afraid she's the only one who feels that way. Jake says that it's the first night that Tenley started to fall apart a little. She basically showed a little insecurity. He tries to reassure her. Then they get up and dance and then they make out.

Next, he takes Corrie for a one on one time. She's afraid of being labeled and she wants him to know that being a virgin doesn't make her different. Jake tells her that he's really glad she told him. I'm sure he is because now he knows who to drop.

Then, he goes off with Gia. Gia tells him that she thought that he showed character by telling Vienna to go back to the room when she went downstairs. Jake assures her that he finds her special and different from the other girls.

He pulls Vienna away. He wants to reassure her that she's special. He takes her to his room to show her his view. I do not understand his attraction to her. She's such a princess and not in a good way. She's not attractive and she's a spoiled brat. They are so not a good match. She's just not his type. He needs a Tenley or a Gia. I even think Ali is too good for him.

Jake and Chris are talking about the last 5 girls and his connections. It's boring so I'll spare you. He basically says he has a connection with all of them. Dumb.

First Rose: Tenley

Second Rose: Ali

Third Rose: Gia

Fourth Rose: Vienna (UGH!!)
Corrie is going home...as I predicted. Duh! The virgin always goes home. Jake is totally crying. He takes her outside to talk. He tries to explain, blah, blah, blah.

Now, there's a rumor that Ali leaves early on her own. I'm not sure if that's true or not. I hope not. But we'll see.

See you next time...