Jersey Shore, Episode 5

Well, it seems that MTV's full episode player is not working so I can't recap Episodes 3 and 4 yet, but I'll go ahead and recap Episode 5.

Last time - as I'm sure you all already know - Snickers got clocked in the face by some drunk asshole.

The episode begins with the roommates at the bar and Snickers getting hit. She's crying on the floor and Julio - their co-worker from the T-shirt place - is yelling at him and pushing him. JWOW and Sammi are with Snickers on the floor. The cops arrest the guy and take him outside. The boys all run out and start yelling at the guy's friends. Vinny is seriously angry. He's kicking things and looking to beat someone up. You know, I'll say one thing for these guidos - they may talk about women's boobs and asses and whistle and say disrespectful things, but they DO NOT tolerate hitting a female. That's where they draw the line. Hey, it's something.

Sammi is in the bathroom with Snickers and cleaning her up. Snickers is crying and it looks like the guy hit her lip. She's most concerned that she hasn't lost any teeth ("Please don't tell me I have missing teeth. Please don't tell me I have missing teeth."). Luckily, she is not missing any teeth. JWOW and Sammi keep saying that she's "gushing blood," but I don't see any. Vinny comes in and looks at her mouth to see where she's hurt. It appears she has a cut on her gums. Vinny assures her "that kid is not going to be able to walk this earth again because he's known as the guy who punched a girl in the face." I agree it will be a tough hurdle to overcome. My advice: Leave Jersey.

The girls go outside to see the EMT. He tells Snickers to put ice packs on her mouth and that she shouldn't have any swelling. Well, Snickers, it could've been a lot worse. The group is heading home and The Situation decides that, since the drama is over, he's going to continue hitting on a chick. Her name is Jackie and he is trying to convince her to come back to the house with him - even though she lives with her boyfriend? Dumb. I don't hate on him for trying to get his groove on, but it's a little inappropriate considering the evening's events. He should just go back to the house with the roommates and chill out. He can go prowling the next night. Vinny says that The Situation is a creep.

The roommates arrive back at the house and they are all stunned about what happened. Snickers doesn't want to talk to anyone and goes up to bed and cries. I'm not going to make fun of her. I can't even begin to imagine what she must be feeling. I've never been hit by a guy OR a girl for that matter so I really feel for her.

Ronnie decides that it's The Situation's fault that Snickers got punched. No. That's not true. Yes, The Situation was ordering a lot of shots and, at one point, he didn't feel like arguing with the frat guys and just gave them some shots, but that does not mean that he "instigated" anything. Ronnie seems to think that because The Situation gave those guys shots without getting anything in return, he instigated everything and Snickers got punched. Dumb. The guy who hit Snickers was a drunk asshole. That's it.

Ronnie goes upstairs and tells her that they all love her and that he loves her and cares about her. It's very sweet. He tells her that they all love her and that they are one big family. She says that now she knows that they all love her like she loves them.

Ronnie is on the roof and totally upset. Sammi asks what's wrong and he blames The Situation for this whole thing again. He says he's pissed that The Situation saw it happen and did nothing. They show the scene again and The Situation looks shocked. He doesn't "do" anything, but he looks like he doesn't even know what happened. And what's he supposed to do? Immediately after it happened, everyone jumped on the guy. Ronnie, you don't know how you're going to react in a situation until it actually happens to you. However, he has a point when he bashes The Situation for creeping right after and trying to get that girl, Jackie, to come back to the house with him. Sammi is a supportive girlfriend and tells Ronnie that The Situation is not a good friend and that Ronnie is a "f****** good friend".

The next morning, Ronnie's family comes to the house. They knock and knock and wait for someone to let them in. Ronnie finally crawls out of bed and answers the door. His dad is surprised that Ronnie just got up since it's 11 a.m. Apparently, his dad has NO IDEA what kids do at the Jersey Shore. Ronnie's little brother is adorable. His mom tells Ronnie to get himself together so they can get something to eat. Ronnie says that they have to wait for Samantha because he wants her to come with them. His mom asks if Samantha is going to sleep until 3 p.m. (heh!) and Ronnie says that she's in the shower. His dad tells him not to make this an all day event. HAHA. His family cracks me up.

Sammi is taking her time getting ready. Well, maybe she's not and it just takes a REALLY long time for guidettes to get ready. Again, this is why I'm glad I'm not high maintenance. In a pinch, I can shower and be ready to go in 15 minutes. Sammi says that she needs to look good for Ronnie's family so that they say that she's really pretty. Ugh. Meanwhile, Ronnie's mom is hungry and super impatient. I think his folks could be a little more patient - although I have no idea how long they have been waiting. AND, I think Sammi could speed it up a little knowing that EVERYONE is waiting for HER! His dad says that time is of the essence and his mom says "yeah, I could be getting my tan on right now." LOVE these people. Ronnie goes inside to bug Sammi and she says she's trying to rush in an annoyed voice which is just so rude and obnoxious.

JWOW tells Snickers that Ron's parents are here and Snickers says she'll go out and say hi. She wasn't in the mood to entertain but she sucked it up for Ronnie's parents. Ronnie is such a sweetheart. He goes inside and gets Snickers an icepack. He tells his parents about the "incident" and says that a "grown man decided to punch her in the face." His mom: "Oh HELL no. You guys didn't, like, go bash him?" Vinny tells her that the cops were there and she says "Let's go back to that bar." Love Jersey moms.

Ronnie's mom has had enough. She tells Ronnie to tell Sam that she's wasting time on her hair. They want to EAT! Ronnie tells her to relax and gets mad that she's being rude. Ronnie, I hear you, but seriously, your girlfriend is the rude one. Tell her to snap in those extensions and get her ass out there. His mom says that she just saying she shouldn't waste her time on her hair because even she's ready to pin her own hair up because it's so hot: "Oh my gaw, why's he so sensitive?" LOVE IT.

Sammi finally graces everyone with her presence. And she looks exactly the same as she did when she woke up. Ronnie's mom tells her that she looks beautiful so I guess, mission accomplished. They are all playing games on the boardwalk. Ronnie wins a bear for Sammi.

JWOW and Snickers are hanging out in a bar and drinking. Snickers is trying to drink out of the side of her mouth. HAHA.

Ronnie's family leaves and Ronnie is happy that his mom loves Sammi. They are so great. Snicker gets a phone update regarding the guy who hit her. The automated voice tells her that he has been released on bail. To cope with the news, the girls decide to go tan. On the way, JWOW asks if Ronnie and Sammi have had sex and Sammi refuses to answer in a way that says YES!

Pauly D calls Carmine, the owner of KARMA, to tell him that he's a DJ and asks if he can spin one night. Carmine asks what kind of crowd he gets and Pauly D says about 500 people. Carmine tells him to come in the next night at around 9-10 p.m.

The boys decide to make a steak and lobster dinner for the house to help Snickers forget about what happened. It looks delish! Vinny tells Snickers to put one of the lobsters in the boiling water. She interviews that she's a vet tech - she saves animals, not kill them. Ha. I bet she'll eat them, though. The Situation says that the dinner they are putting together takes a lot of time and preparation and the girls aren't doing anything to help. YUM!! Lobster, steak, asparagus, mashed potatoes, corn, salad. YUM!! Snickers says she's having trouble eating because she's "disabled". Wow. Sammi gets pissed because The Situation didn't put his plate away and left it on the table. The Situation says that he cooked for 2 hours for all of them, so someone else can put his plate in the sink. I hear you, man. Sammi interviews that she never asked him to cook for her. Dumb. She ate the food he prepared. She can put away his plate. Jeez. This chick is so freakin' entitled. The Situation refuses to clean up. He interviews that he cooked this great meal for everyone and now Sammi has the nerve to ask him to clean up. He says that she's excluded from dinner from now on if this is how she's going to act. Sammi's bitch, Ronnie, went ahead and cleaned up for The Situation.

The roommates take a boat to "F Cove"?? I'm not sure if that's the right name, but that's what it sounded like. The name of their boat is "Fuggedaboutit". Awesome. Basically, "F Cove" is a place where everyone brings their boat to party and people go from boat to boat. It's a lot like the cove at Lake Havasu. They are all having a good time, dancing and drinking. Pauly D jumped in the water and his hair did not move. Pauly D says that he feels bad for Ronnie every single time they party because he's wasting his time with Sammi. I think what Pauly D doesn't understand is that Ronnie doesn't want to get drunk and dance with a bunch of girls because he likes Sammi. His girl is with him. Getting drunk and dancing with randoms is really only fun when you don't have someone. JWOW kind of has a boyfriend, but he's not there, so what else is she going to do...sulk and pout?

Ronnie yells at Snickers that he wants to leave. She's on some other boat, talking to a guy and wants to get his number so she tells him to wait. Ronnie is tired and doesn't want to be out there anymore so he jumps in the water and swims over to her. He picks her up and throws her in the water. She tells him that it wasn't cool and was pissed off because she missed her opportunity to get the guy's number.

The Situation breaks down the numbers game for us. In any given week, he and Pauly D will get about 10 numbers. About 5-6 of them won't turn into anything. But about 3-4 will end up coming through and then he and Pauly D just have to choose who they want to hook up with. Awesome. The Situation has some girls coming over for him and Pauly D and Ronnie says the rest of them are going out. The girls arrive: Jennifer, Stephanie and Jackie. Vinny stayed with the boys and one of the girls calls him out for not drinking. The Situation likes Stephanie and wants to take her out to lunch and dinner, not just hook up. Vinny explains the fist pump and says that he wants to dance. Vinny says that these girls are actually cool.

The others were all at Bamboo partying it up. One girl was yelling at them and she asked JWOW who her "fat friend" is referring to Snickers. That set JWOW off! She threw her drink in the girl's face and then started hitting the girl. The bouncers kick her out and they all head home.

The girls leave the house and The Situation kisses his girl, Stephanie, good-bye. Stephanie says that she knows about him. The Situation comes upstairs and tells Pauly D that the girls told him that people have been going around talking about The Problem and The Situation hooking up with all the girls. Pauly D thinks this is "banging" and the boys pat themselves on the back.

The Situation gets stood up by Stephanie - the girl from the night before. They were supposed to go to lunch. Heh. JWOW gets a call from her boyfriend (I guess they made up) asking her if she received a package from him. She says no but then Ronnie and Pauly D walk in with a bouquet of roses. They are "the rarest" type of roses: blue roses. Weird.

The group goes out again and Pauly D is DJ'ing at KARMA. Ronnie and Sammi are making out and decide that they need to go home immediately. They take off and the rest of the group is wondering why they just left. If they don't know why, then they are dumb. Everyone is dancing and super impressed with Pauly D's DJ skills. Vinny starts talking to this tattooed girl named, Tonya. She was older than he is so he calls her a cougar. They start hooking up at the club and walk home. Then Tonya drops the bomb: She loves Danny, as in Vinny's boss and landlord. She says they had dinner tonight but she doesn't know what happened to him. Vinny starts thinking back to when he started flirting with Tonya and realizes that Danny was THERE!! And, he's not looking so happy. Vinny took home the boss's girl.

See you next week...