Previously on...The Hills. Sponge Bob was a d-bag, Heidi pretends to get mad, but still wants babies with him. Kristin pretended to "reach out" to Audrina and when Audrina stood her up, she decided to go after dirty JB.
Hustler Store. Kristin and her new BFF, Bartender Stacie ("BS") go into the Hustler store. They are shopping for a birthday gift for Brody. Kristin jokes that they should get him a whip since he's so whipped by Jayde. Heh. BS tries on a dog collar. Nice. They talk about getting him a sex toy and then Kristin tells BS that Brody was very "vanilla" in the bedroom. Way to kiss and tell Kristin. Classy. Brody's birthday party is a surprise party. Kristin tell BS that she wants to go with JB. I guess she thinks he's her boyfriend now. This oughtta be good. HA! Hey Kristin, he's just not that into you. I haven't seen the whole episode yet, but I'm guessing this is going to be the take away. Let's find out....
OPENING CREDITS
"STRIKE ONE"
Kristin's House, Malibu. Kristin and JB are at the beach. JB is surfing. Why does he have "ITALIA" tatooed across his stomach? Kristin offers him a plasic cup of wine and JB says "it's kind of early". Heh. It's never too early, JB!! Kristin compliments JB's tat and she says she wants to get two more stars on her foot. She says she already has one and she wants two more. OMG. JB delivers the best line in this episode "You're kidding. Stars? You think you're a galaxy? WTF?" LMAO. I can't explain it, I just thought it was so funny. Kristin asks JB if he's going to Brody's surprise bday party and says that they should go together. JB says "OK" as he picks his nose. GROSS.
(As Kristin and JB spray each other with a hose, the song "I'm Not Your Boyfriend, Baby" by 30H!3 plays in the background).
Recess, Los Angeles. Audrina and She-Pratt are getting mani/pedis. Apparently, Audrina has been staying in and tells She-Pratt that she's ready to start going out again. Jeez. That was a very mini-hiatus. She "stayed in" for about a week. Audrina asks She-Pratt if she remembers Audrina's friend, Derek. She-Pratt says that she thought Derek was JB's bff. Audrina tells her that Derek is friends with both of them. She-Pratt and I see where this is going. I guess Derek is "HOT" according to She-Pratt. Derek asked Audrina out on a lunch date and she's contemplating going. Obviously, she will go because that will create drama. HAHA. Audrina says that JB used to always think that she and Derek "hooked-up". She-Pratt asks if they kissed. Audrina doesn't answer but just says that JB thought they "HOOKED-UP hooked-up". Which I assume means that she made out with him but they didn't do the nasty.
Brody's Birthday Party, Malibu. There are several "bouncy houses" that you often find at 4 year old bday parties. However, at Brody's surprised party, they have water spraying on them and girls in bikinis are bouncing. Kristin shows up and hugs Brody's face-lifted mother, Linda. Jayde asks Kristin if JB is coming and she says yes. Then She-Pratt and Lo are looking over at the guys wondering if JB is coming. She-Pratt says she's "surprised" that Kristin and JB didn't show up together. HELLO??? Where were you guys these past 4 seasons?? JB is a committment-phobe! He will sleep with you, but he will NOT engage in boyfriend-like behavior. Have you learned NOTHING??
Jayde gets everyone's attention and gives a one-minute warning. Everyone is crouched down and they all yell "SURPRISE" as Brody drives up. He's surprised. Lo asks Kristin if she and JB are dating and Kristin confirms that they are. She-Pratt asks why they didn't come together and Kristin says "he's coming...I think". HA. Brody walks up to them and asks Kristin where "her man" is. heh.
OOHHHH. It's not a bouncy house, it's a blow-up slip and slide. That looks so fun!! The boys are throwing water balloons and Frankie throws one and hits Kristin right in the face. CLASSIC!! It smacks her sunglasses off and totally just nails her in the face. Rad. Frankie blames someone else. Brody comes to see how Kristin is and Jayde rolls her eyes. Brody asks again where Kristin's man is. Linda - who is not only face-lifted, but also thinks she's 25 and I'm sure has fake boobs, butt, hair, etc. - says that he's not her man and that she's too good for him. Well, Linda, even though you have no idea what's going on, you're right. In an attempt to remove the attention from Kristin, Jayde announces that Brody needs to open the gifts. He opens Kristin and BS's gift and they got him a dog collar with a leash and a whip. Kristin announces that the whip is for Jayde because Brody is whipped on her. Jayde is unimpressed with the gifts. I'd be pretty embarassed, but I guess if you're a Playmate and your boyfriend's mom is trying to be bff with all these people 1/2 her age, you're not embarassed. Kristin tells Brody and the rest of the party that she's having an "after-party" at her house just up the street. Jayde tells Brody that people need a break and dinner first. Kristin and Brody ignore her and rally people to go to Kristin's. Jayde is pissed and Brody calls her a "bitch". Yikes. Not good.
Audrina's house, Hollywood. Derek picks up Audrina in his TRUCK. Man, it's the biggest truck I've ever seen. He asks Audrina if she went to the TOOL concert. HAHA. I can't help but laugh because I think Derek IS a tool. Apparently, she was there and he saw her from afar. Derek tells Audrina that he didn't tell JB that they were going to lunch. They convince themselves that it's not a big deal.
Speidi's House, Hollywood. I was wondering where they were. Sponge Bob and his "friend" Charlie are hitting golf balls out into the Hollywood hills from Speidi's backyard. Sponge Bob asks Charlie what this house looks like to him. Charlie says it looks like "married life". Sponge Bob complains that "married life" to Heidi means a bunch of kids NOW. Charlie can't believe she wants kids since they just got married. Sponge Bob says that he never would have gotten married if he knew that the second they got married it was "kid time." HAHA. That's a lie. He still would've gotten married. It's called publicity! Sponge Bob is telling Charlie about the neighbors. Apparently they have Enzo AND a 1-year old. He says again that Enzo is 6...wow, maybe he is. I swear he looks 4. Just as he's bitching, Enzo yells "Hey Spencer! What are you doing?" Charlie and Enzo shake hands while Sponge Bob tries to remind Enzo of the "rule" about not coming over uninvited. Sponge Bob is such an a-hole. Sponge Bob asks Enzo how he gets in when the gate is closed. Enzo recites the code to the gate and Sponge Bob says he'll be changing that tonight. Charlie is nice and invites Enzo to hit golf balls with them and then goes to grab him a smaller club. Sponge Bob asks if Enzo's mom knows where he is and Enzo says yes and then tells Sponge Bob that Heidi likes kids. Then stupid Sponge Bob hits a golf ball down the hill and tries to tell Enzo to go get it. Enzo is no fool and tells Sponge Bob that the ball is already lost. Then Sponge Bob tells Enzo to play hide and seek. He tells Enzo to hide and that they'll count to 2,000. MEAN. Sponge Bob can't understand why Heidi wants kids since "most girls want to keep their tight little bodies." Wow. I don't even know what to say.
Brody's After Party, Malibu. Kristin, She-Pratt and BS are lying on lounge chairs...drunk. They can't believe that JB didn't show up. Kristin says that she usually doesn't care about guys. But JB was different. Seriously?? Maybe Kristin missed the previous seasons of The Hills. He is so dirty. Brody and the rest of the boys show up. Brody tells Kristin that he had a fight with Jayde. Kristin says that it's because of her and that Brody's mom was "Team Kristin". Can you say "self-absorbed"? Kristin tries to pretend she's shocked that Jayde didn't come with Brody. Kristin fake apologizes to Brody that he's fighting with Jayde and that she didn't come with him. Brody says he loves Jayde to death. And that Love is a horrible horrible thing when it goes wrong. He proceeds to say that "this is the kind of thing that ends a relationship." Kristin is staring at him intently and I can't tell if it's because she's thinking of JB OR if she's thinking of going after Brody. Both are wrong.
Hokusai, Beverly Hills. Speidi are at dinner and Sponge Bob is wearing that ridiculous cowboy hat. Why? ("Take those ridiculous things off!") Heidi is thinking the same thing and asks if he's going to wear that thing everywhere. Apparently, he is. dumb. Then Heidi asks what Sponge Bob thinks they should get first and starts naming different pets. Sponge Bob makes a toast to babies not being on that list. Heh. Heidi tells Sponge Bob that he knew she wanted a big family and that he knew what he was marrying into. She also informs him that by her age, her mom had one baby and one on the way. Sponge Bob asks if "this is a marriage or a dictatorship?" Heidi says "BOTH", but she's kind of laughing so she knows Sponge Bob is actually the dictator.
She-Pratt's Apartment, Los Angeles. Audrina comes over and tells She-Pratt about Derek. Audrina tells She-Pratt that she really likes him. She-Pratt tells Audrina that JB stood Kristin up at Brody's party. Audrina says "good" and that she's "not surprised". They agree that Kristin has no idea. Audrina says "karma" and She-Pratt says that it's not even karma, it's just dating JB. True.
Kristin's house. Malibu. BS is sitting on the couch drinking what looks like a cosmo...hair of the dog. BS and Kristin talk about how Jayde and Brody fight all the time. BS says that Jayde does not like Kristin. Kristin thinks it's because she's "really close to Brody's mom". BS can't believe that Kristin and Brody aren't dating since they seem so perfect. Ooohhh...is this foreshadowing?? Then BS asks if Kristin has talked to JB yet? Kristin says no. BS asks Kristin if she's pissed. Kristin says that this is the kind of stuff he would do to Audrina over and over and over. AH...so she did watch the previous seasons. Interesting. Then BS asks if Kristin thinks this is what JB does to test girls. Kristin says maybe but Audrina put up with a lot of shit and Kristin isn't going to put up with it. She says she doesn't have time for the shit he pulled yesterday (i.e. not coming to Brody's party). "Strike One." HA! Let's see how many strikes he gets.
See you next week.
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