The Hills, Season 5, Episode 514

Previously on The Hills: JB was a d-bag, Kristin was a bitch and Speidi sucked.

Breadbar, Los Angeles. Lo and Kristin are having lunch and Kristin tells us she's going to "Lagunuh" this weekend. Lo pretends to care, much like the rest of us. Then Lo asks about Brody's party since she bailed before it ended. Kristin gives the 411 on the party, including how Brody showed up at her place post party sans Jayde. Lo says that they do this all the time: "They're either ferociously making out or screaming at each other." (Lo is funny sometimes). Kristin tells Lo that JB didn't show up. She says she was a little upset because "he's a really good guy." WTF? Was I that stupid when I was 21-22? I probably was. Jeez. How embarassing. But Kristin says she's not going to be like Audrina. JB has to work for it. Don't wait around too long, Kristin.

OPENING CREDITS

"Old Habits Die Hard"

Audrina's House. She-Pratt shows up and tells Audrina that Heidi's taking her to a "bull-riding event"? Wha..? I don't even know. Anyway subject quickly turns to Audrina and Derek. They had a date the night before. According to Audrina, Derek is the total opposite of JB. Wow! He must be an awesome guy...and a genius. Hmmm. Audrina tells She-Pratt that JB keeps texting her saying that he can't believe it's over. One word, Audrina: DELETE.

Laguna Beach, CA. Kristin goes home to her parents' house. Man, that house is BOSS! Of course her stepmom is a yoga instructor. Kristin, her dad and stepmom go out by the pool to have a staged conversation complete with the bottle of wine and cheese plate. Kristin fills her dad in on who she's been seeing around LA. She tells him that she's seeing a lot of Brody and her dad asks "Is he still in love with himself?" HA! Kristin says that Brody has grown up a lot. She tells them about JB and that he used to, kind of, be dating Audrina. And that she went on his motorcycle. Am I the only one with parents who would not care about the prior dating drama?? I'm finding it hard to figure out if they care or if they are all pretending to be interested and when the director says "Cut!", they all go their separate ways and don't speak. She tells her dad that JB isn't really the guy that she'd bring home to dad. So her dad says "then don't bring him home!" HAHA. This is such a ridiculous scene.

Bolthouse Photo Exhibit, Los Angeles. [OH! I thought She-Pratt said bull riding event, but I guess she said BOLTHOUSE event. Sorry!!] Sponge Bob shows up with the ridiculous black cowboy hat again. UGH. Holly (Heidi's sis) is there with Sponge Bob's friend, Charlie. OH...Heidi's dad gave him the hat...I get it. Whatever. Dumb. Heidi shows up and Sponge Bob tells her that Holly is DRUNK. Holly is having some shots. She's super drunk and talking to Brent Bolthouse. Speidi and She-Pratt look in horror as she continues to get drunk. Heidi and She-Pratt try to have an intervention with a very drunk Holly. You can imagine how well that goes. Holly is cracking me up. She's having her own party. She's dancing and swinging her hair around. OMG! Now she's doing the robot. I love it. She's not sloppy, she's just having a good time. She's not falling or slurring or being beligerant. You go, girl!!

Catherine Malandrino, Los Angeles. She-Pratt is confronting Heidi about Holly being out of control the night before. Holly says that she just had too much to drink. She-Pratt looks very concerned. Heidi asks She-Pratt if she sees Holly a lot and asks if Holly drinks like that a lot. She-Pratt says that she does see Holly a lot and she's always getting wasted. She-Pratt encourages Heidi to talk to Holly because "she'll really listen coming from you." I actually disagree. She-Pratt tells Heidi to bring Sponge Bob if she doesn't want to talk to Holly alone. Yeah, because Holly is DEFINITELY going to want to hear it from Sponge Bob. Worst advice ever, She-Pratt. I think Holly would listen to Lauren. They should call Lauren. [BTW - She-Pratt got a DUI last weekend, so she should really worry more about herself than Holly. Apparently, she was WITH Holly!]

Kristin's House, Malibu. JB is in her house cooking her dinner when Kristin arrives. She's not nearly as surprised as I would be. He doesn't greet her or say hello or anything. He mumbles "how hungry are you?" What a guy! Kristin asks where he's been and he grunts that he's been out of town and says "I know, I'm sorry" as he continues to cook and avoid eye contact. He asks about Brody's party completely ignoring the fact that he flaked on her. She passive aggressively tells him that everyone missed him. Then he quickly changes the subject and asks her if she could "get used to this". I'm assuming he means him cooking for her. She flirts that she can. They both give each other a flirty smile. And all is forgiven. WEAK!

Essex Public House, Hollywood. Audrina and Derek are on a date. Audrina brings JB up and they talk about him. BAD FORM, Audrina. Derek asks if she's over him and she kind of shrugs and says "yeah". She's blowing it. Derek is actually kind of cute. Poor guy.

Kristin's Place. JB and Kristin are having some wine and eating dinner outside. He says he's sorry he didn't show up to the party and Kristin says "it's ok. this makes up for it." Kristin says no one has ever cooked for her before and JB says he's never cooked for anyone before. She asks if he's going to tell his mom about her and then tells him that she told her dad about him. Then she gives the "I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want anything." speech that EVERY GIRL GIVES when she first starts dating a guy and it's total BULLSHIT! Guys know it's bullshit (even JB) but they will use it against you when you start asking where things are going or when you have the "exclusive" conversation. I'm just sayin'. JB thinks that Kristin is a bit of a wild card, which is good for a guy like him. Then they go in and do naughty things.

Spanish Kitchen, Los Angeles. Holly is walking down the street and she kind of looks drunk. Maybe that's just how she walks, but she's walking all crooked. Heidi took She-Pratt's advice and went to confront Holly. Unfortunately, she also listened to the part where She-Pratt told her to bring Sponge Bob. Dumb. Holy bright red lips, Holly. Of course, Holly sits down to lunch and orders a margherita with Patron. Awkward. Heidi tells Holly that she was scared by how drunk she was the other night. Holly listens as she sips her margherita. Holly dismisses Heidi and tells her that when she goes to an event, she thinks it's perfectly fine to have a few drinks. She thinks that's standard. To be fair, having a few drinks at an event at a club in LA is standard. Getting shit-faced at said event, not so standard. Sponge Bob is telling Holly how important the Bolthouse events are because there are so many influencial people that attend. Heidi tells her that people won't take her seriously. Holly thanks them for their input. I think she's feeling a little embarassed. She decides that after several great years together, she and alcohol need to break up for good. Sponge Bob doesn't look convinced.

Brody's Condo, Hollywood. Kristin comes over to Brody. He calls her Mrs. Bobby! HAHA. She asks him how Jayde is and that she keeps hearing how they always break up and get back together. Brody explains that it's all semantic. They never actually "break up", they just fight. Duh. Kristin asks if Jayde knows she's there. Brody says that he made it very clear, that despite their past, Kristin is one of Brody's closest friends and Jayde has nothing to worry about. Closest friends? Really? Brody likes JB because he's his friend, but he'd never tell a girl friend to date him. Kristin tells Brody that JB just showed up at her "Malibu house". Brody tells Kristin that now Audrina will be coming after her. Kristin tells him that she called Audrina to have lunch and Audrina stood her up. Brody says "So this is your way of saying HA HA HA". YES!! Kristin says No, of course, and that she really does like JB. Brody says he believes her.

Thompson Hotel, Beverly Hills. JB is meeting Audrina for a drink. Hmmm...interesting. (Oh and he's letting his beard grow back after shaving to impress Kristin). Apparently, Audrina asked him to come meet her. She tells him that she wants to stop the awkwardness so it's not weird whenever they're out and he's with Kristin. He brings up the party where Kristin and Audrina went at it. Audrina admits that it was hard to see JB with Kristin. He understands, but then he says that he would never talk to someone that Audrina is close to. Audrina asks if this is about Derek and he asks "who would ever do that?" So, it is. He says he would never do that to her. JB says that he's not with Kristin to make Audrina upset. Audrina says that Derek talked to JB and JB said it was fine. JB says "I don't care. I would never do that to you." Wow. He genuinely looks hurt. He says that he and Kristin aren't together, they are just hanging out. Oh good Lord. He says that a part of him will always have feelings for Audrina and he doesn't know what to do, feel or say. Neither does Audrina. Then JB says, "I will never be able to say that anything was better than Audrina Patridge in my life". Ouch, sorry Kristin. So, Audrina says she won't talk to Derek anymore. JB totally grins and says "don't let me stop you." They both smile in a flirty sort of way. They probably hooked up.

See you next time on The Hills.