The Hills, Season 5, Episode 516

Last time...Sponge Bob doesn't want kids. Brody & Jayde break up. Kristin still has JB drama.

Malibu. Kristin and Brody are walking on the beach and she's asking him what's going on with him and Jayde. Brody says they're on a break ("WE WERE ON A BREAK"). Kristin asks what that means. (She really wants to know if she can hook up with Brody without looking like a total bitch). Brody tells Kristin that he still loves Jayde, but he doesn't want to fight with her anymore. Then he asks Kristin what she thinks he should do. Kristin tells him that he's a lot more fun when she's not around. Then they reminisce about the old days when they dated. Brody asks Kristin what she thinks would happen if they dated now that they're older. They both say "you never know". So bad. Brody asks Kristin when she's going to "divorce" JB. Kristin: "HAHA! SHUT UP!" That's not an answer, Kristin.

OPENING CREDITS

"I'm Done With You"

Speidi's House. Holly brings Sponge Bob a drink out on the deck and Sponge Bob comments that this "married thing" is finally beginning to pay off. Heidi hints that her birthday is coming up. He asks her what she wants and she says that she wants a party. Instead of saying "that sounds like fun" which is what a normal husband would say, Sponge Bob starts to bitch at her for not liking their house and now wants a party there. Heidi says that they got the party house and now she wants a party. Makes sense to me. Sponge Bob says that a party is a lot of work. Heidi says "I don't care 'cuz it's my party" and smiles. HA!

Audrina's House. Lo is helping Audrina fold her laundry and confesses that she's a sucker for blue and white stripes. Weird. These girls need real jobs. Lo tells Audrina that Brody and Jayde are "on a break". ("WE WERE ON A BREAK" - sorry, I can't help it. It just makes me laugh). Audrina says that Brody will never get lucky with another Playmate. I doubt that. I'm sure there are plenty of golddigging Playmates eager to get their 15 minutes with a reality TV star like Brody. Plus, he's cute and he's connected. His dad is Bruce Jenner and his step sisters are the Kardashians! Come on! Audrina tells Lo that she got an invite to Heidi's party. Lo says she got one, too, but she can't go. Audrina tells her that she's considering going. She says that Kristin will probably be there. Audrina says that she's going there for Heidi not Kristin, so she'll just go and see what happens.

Bodega Wine Bar, Santa Monica. Kristin meets JB for a drink. JB asks when Heidi's party is and Kristin says that it's this weekend. Kristin says she's going and JB says he doesn't want to run into Audrina so he'll probably skip it. JB tells Kristin that he wouldn't be surprised if Audrina tries to befriend her. WTF? Oh, I think JB is saying that in case Audrina tells Kristin that JB and Audrina met up for a drink...and then Kristin will think she's lying to befriend her. Kristin gets suspicious and asks JB if there's anything that Audrina might tell her. JB says nothing at all and that he hopes Audrina tells Kristin everything. Kristin asks him if he's hiding something. BUSTED. She's onto you, JB. Kristin tells JB that she'll be honest with him always if he's honest with her...that's all she asks for. Although, JB keeping his meeting with Audrina to himself is kind of like Kristin not telling JB about her convo with Brody about what would happen if they dated each other again. Something tells me she won't see it that way.

Speidi's House. Heidi is setting up for the party without any help from Sponge Bob who is lounging on the couch. They talk about Brody coming to the party with Kristin. Heidi says that Brody and Jayde must be over. Sponge Bob says that they are on a break and that there's a difference between being "on a break" and being "broken up". Heidi says she knows all about that. Heh. They chat a little about Audrina and Kristin both being at the party. Then Heidi asks Sponge Bob what he got her for her birthday. She told him that it better be amazing since she had to throw herself her own birthday party. (Seriously?? What is up with these people? Don't they know that after your parents stop throwing you birthday parties and you GROW UP, you throw yourself birthday parties!! This girl was raised with way too much positive reinforcement). She tells Sponge Bob to get the rest of the stuff for the party and he goes back to "reading" a coffee table book.

PARTY TIME

She-Pratt and Audrina are driving in Audrina's white mercedes SUV (seriously?? They get paid to be stupid on TV?? Lame). Audrina is telling She-Pratt that she's excited to see Speidi's place. She-Pratt says that Heidi is trying to have an "adult" birthday party so they are keeping it small. Um...then why didn't they invite any adults? She-Pratt says that Kristin is coming. Audrina tells She-Pratt that she met with JB and he told her that he and Kristin aren't really dating. Then JB told Audrina that it's weird having Kristin on the back of his bike because that's Audrina's spot. She-Pratt is shocked. She-Pratt asks if Audrina is going to tell Kristin and Audrina says that maybe Kristin needs to know. She-Pratt pretends to be nervous, but secretly can barely control her excitement for the drama that will unfold at the party.

Speidi's House. OMG, Jen Bunny (LC's friend from the OC who stabbed her in the back a few seasons ago) arrives and she's BLONDE now. We still know who you are, Bunny! Heidi tells her that Kristin is coming. Then, Kristin shows up with Brody and Co. and Bunny runs up to her like they are long lost friends. Um, if Bunny and LC were friends in HS, then Bunny would hate Kristin. These girls are all dumb. Sponge Bob annouces to the "party" of about 6 people that he has Heidi's present. He says that he knows how badly she wants babies and these are the only babies she's going to get from him. He brings out two little yappy dogs in a Louis Vuitton dog carrier. They are totally cute, but as a non yappy dog person, I would just find them really annoying. Heidi is totally the type of person who would have those little, itty bitty, fur balls in a Louis Vuitton carrier, ala Jessica Simpson.

Audrina walks in just as Kristin was about to tell Bunny that Kristin and JB are officially together. Audrina and Brody are out on the deck chatting about the good ole days. Brody tells Audrina that he and Jayde are "on the ropes" which I think means "on a break". He also says that he's been hanging out with Kristin which complicates things. Audrina says that Kristin might get mad that Audrina and Brody are talking right now. Audrina says that she doesn't really know Kristin that well, but what she has heard is that Kristin is not the "relationship type". Kristin is STARING at Audrina from inside the party. Audrina tells Brody that Kristin will date him to hurt Jayde and then she'll move on. That's what she does. Brody goes back in and Kristin asks how his talk with Audrina went. Kristin is either a) drunk, b) high, or c) both of the above. My guess is c) both of the above. She's totally slurring. Brody tells her that it went well and that he hasn't talked to Audrina in a long time. Kristin says that she should talk to Audrina. Why?

Kristin walks up to Audrina and asks if she can talk to her for a minute. Maybe Kristin isn't slurring, maybe she's mumbling? I can't figure it out but she looks drunk and high. They go outside and Kristin just says that they should be able to hang out at a party without staring at each other from across the room. Kristin says that when Audrina blew her off for lunch, she wrote her off. Audrina argues that she doesn't know Kristin, they aren't friends and she didn't want to have lunch with her. Kristin says "That's exactly why I shouldn't stay away from [JB] because you and I aren't friends." Audrina says that she doesn't feel like there's much more to talk about. Kristin says that she really wanted to talk to Audrina because when she talks to JB, he just tells her that he and Audrina were never together. Which, Kristin says, "I'm sure that's very hard for you to hear, as a woman." (Why? Why would you need to go there, Kristin? Just date JB and move on!) So, Audrina says that she met with JB the other night and Kristin asks what he said. Audrina says that JB basically said that he and Kristin were never together and that he never got over Audrina. Hmmm. It's KIND OF what he said, but the "never got over" Audrina part might be a bit of an exaggeration. He said that he'd never find anyone as good as her, but that doesn't mean he's not over her. Kristin: "Really?" and Audrina smiles and says "Yeah" and takes a sip of her wine. Kristin is clearly embarassed and pretends not to believe Audrina. Kristin "Ok, Audrina" (in a totally mocking voice). Audrina says that as far as JB is concerned, Kristin can keep her distance and Audrina will keep hers. Audrina says that she could care less who Kristin dates, who she's involved with, she could give two shits. Kristin: "Fuck you. Like I don't want to be friends with you. Like I'm done with you." Audrina smiles, says "see you around" and walks away. That was dumb. Kristin totally asked for that. Audrina isn't asking to be your friend, Kristin. SHE stood YOU up for lunch. Take the hint and move on. I think Kristin was trying to save face there at the end. Sorry, Kristin, it didn't work. You looked like a drunk woman scorned. Audrina: 1 Kristin: 0. Audrina and She-Pratt take off and say bye to Heidi.

Kristin's Place, Malibu. BS (Bartender Stacie) walks in and Kristin offers her some breakfast, yogurt and fruit. That sounds kind of good right now. BS asks about the party. This should be good. I can't wait to hear Kristin's perspective of the Audrina confrontation. Kristin says that she went up to Audrina to talk things out and Audrina told Kristin that she's been seeing JB. Ok, not exactly. Audrina said that she met up with him "the other night"...ONCE. Not "seeing" him. Kristin is all "DRAMA" and says that JB has been lying to her about seeing Audrina so now she feels like everything he's ever said is a lie. WOW. Way to blow things out of proportion. Kristin, super sleuth that she is, tells BS that JB tried to get her NOT to go to Heidi's party and now she knows WHY! Ok, JB did NOT try to get her not to go. He said that HE wasn't going. Dumb. BS is just taking it all in. BS: "Wow." This show is like Dumb and Dumber where the title characters change with every scene. Kristin says she's done and she's going to meet JB for lunch and end it today. BS is still trying to let it all sink in - Don't hurt yourself, BS.

Milk, Los Angeles. Audrina, Lo and She-Pratt are all having lunch to fill Lo in on the party, no doubt. Let's see how Audrina tells the story. Audrina says that Kristin came up to her and wanted to talk. Then Kristin basically told Audrina that no one stands her up and because Audrina did, Kristin felt like she could do whatever she wanted, but then she told Audrina that she didn't do it out of spite. Hmmm, pretty accurate. She-Pratt says that it seemed like Kristin just went out with JB to get a rise out of Audrina. Lo says that "gives her the sads." WTF? Oh, Lo. Then Audrina says that she told her she met with JB and that shut Kristin up. Yup. That happened. She-Pratt and Lo both say "GOOD" and Audrina says "that's it. she can do what she wants." I'd say that Audrina's account was accurate. Of course, she had nothing to be embarassed about...regarding that particular conversation. I mean, these people should all be embarassed in general, but in this particular instance, Audrina didn't look worse than Kristin.

8oz. Burger Bar. Kristin and JB are having lunch. Kristin sits and says "So, I heard you're back with little miss Audrina". WHAT??? Ok, Kristin TOTALLY made that up. JB says "You heard that?" and Kristin says "Yeah. Word on the street is." Dumb. She's an idiot. JB asks Kristin why she doesn't ask the source. Good point, JB. Kristin says "Last night at the party..." and JB says "I heard." Kristin asks what he heard and he tells her he wants to hear it from Kristin. So Kristin tells him that she went up to Audrina and they ended up getting in a huge fight and Audrina stormed out. OMG. Doesn't she realize that MTV is TAPING all of this. Yes, they talked, but it was not a HUGE FIGHT. Plus, Audrina left not "stormed out" after the conversation ended. SO dumb. JB is so condescending, but I kind of love it when it's directed at Kristin. JB says "What's with you? Can we just take it down to 'cruise'?" HAHA. Love it. So Kristin asks JB what's going on with him and Audrina. JB says that Audrina wanted to talk and they had a beer afterwards. Then Kristin says "And it all starts again". Wow. She's acting like a jealous girlfriend. JB says no and he's tired of that cycle. I actually believe him. I don't think he did anything wrong. You all know I'm not a JB fan, but in this case, I don't think he's wrong. He saw Audrina and they talked. He told her how much she meant to him which is totally understandable after 4 years of dating someone. But there is no indication from Audrina or JB that they've "been hanging out". Kristin is just pissed because she had to hear it from Audrina (who embellished a little) and Kristin was embarassed. JB tells Kristin that he wants a good relationship that's "smooth sailing" where they have trust. He acknowledges that he and Kristin don't trust each other. Then he says that Kristin has a batting average of strikes. Ouch. Kristin says "that was a low blow." It kind of was. Then she tells JB that she's heard stuff about him and when she sees a pattern, she moves on. JB asks her what her motive is...to get a rise out of him? He says that kind of behavior pushes him away. Then Kristin says "Ok, I'm done" and gets up and leaves. I don't think that went the way she anticipated. I think she expected him to swear up and down that he's not with Audrina and that Kristin is the only one for him. JB is just not that guy, Kristin.

See you next week!