The Hills, Season 5, Episode 519

The holidays completely conflicted with my reality viewing schedule. My apologies for the delay.

Last time on The Hills: Brody and Jayde got back together. Kristin and BS went to Vegas. Speidi still sucks.

Las Vegas, NV. Kristin and BS drive into Vegas and Kristin asks what the chances are of BS and Kristin both hooking up with someone. With these girls, I'd say the chances are pretty f-ing good. Kristin declares that their mission will be to each find a guy that they can "flirt with" all night. BS says it best "We're not here to meet Mr. Right. We're here to meet Mr. Right NOW." Heh. Vegas baby!!

OPENING CREDITS

"Mr. Right Now"

Carwash in LA. Charlie and Spender are getting Spender's car washed and Charlie is talking about how he was all over Hollywood last night. Spender says that he had the best night of his married life last night. He tells Charlie about the dinner Heidi made in her negligee. He tells Charlie that this is what marriage is all about. Charlie - being a little more suspicious than Spender - says that it sounds like the black widow spinning her web before the big kill. Spender looks shocked and confused. Charlie says that Heidi might have some ulterior motives. I think Charlie is onto something. Spender asks what her motive could be and Charlie says "getting pregnant." Spender swears that Heidi is on the pill because he sees the pills. Charlie says that Spender needs to make sure she's actually taking them and watch her swallow because she might be hiding them under her tongue and throwing them out. Spender naively says that Heidi would never do something like that. Hmmm. Never say never.

Charlie says that there are tests to figure out if she's trying to get pregnant. He tells Spender to see if she's still drinking alcohol or take her out for sushi/shellfish and see if she eats it. I see where you're going with this, Chuck, but I think you only stop doing those things if you actually ARE pregnant, not if you're just trying to get pregnant. I could be wrong, but... Then Charlie says that there are things Heidi will probably start doing after sex to increase her chances. Spender is shocked. Charlie tells him to "you tube" it. Spender says life was much easier when he only had to think of his car. Up rolls the General Lee and Spender and Charlie drive off. Spender is such a d-bag. Case in point, the guy who washed his car pulls up and hands him the keys and Spender calls him "boss". Dumb.

Las Vegas, NV. Kristin and BS are drinking champagne in their room at the Palazzo Hotel in Vegas. Kristin is wearing a really stupid-looking black FUR vest. Dumb. They are looking through their clothes and BS says that everything she has looks like "baby clothes" - I assume because it's all 2 sizes too small. Then they compare outfits and Kristin says that whatever happens, stays between the two of them. Kristin, I believe the phrase you are looking for is "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Then, BS says "I need something that screams 'not a one-night stand, but...maybe'" Classy.

Katsuyo, Hollywood. HAHA. Spender is taking Heidi out for sushi. They sit down and Spender orders a "nice, hot saki" and Heidi tells the waiter that she'll just have sparkling water. Uh-oh. Then Spender orders tuna and Heidi says she's craving meat more than fish. Um, you're at a sushi restaurant, Heidi. The waiter says they have some grilled Kobe beef and she says "Yeah, let's get that". Spender looks like he's about ready to pass out. Heidi immediately says that she wonders what Enzo is doing. Spender says that they talk about Enzo all the time and he's not even related to them. Heh. The waiter brings them some yellowtail and Heidi says that Spender will be eating that. Then Spender proposes a toast to trust in their marriage. Heidi doesn't even flinch.

Ghostbar at The Palms, Vegas. Kristin and BS arrive and sit at a table. BS wants to go find some cute guys but Kristin reminds her that the cute guys come to them. Then...they do shots. These two guys come up to them and they are very Vegas. Actually, they look very LA to me, too. They have entirely too much product in their hair and they are wearing too many trends at once. Then, one of them says that the other "J-Rock" was a back-up dancer for Backstreet Boyz. Kristin and BS don't believe it and want him to dance for them. He does some butt popping moves and I'm noticing that the area where Kristin and BS are sitting is now full of people. They all get up and start dancing and Kristin and BS are embarrassed for everyone. They clearly aren't interested in the guys and they don't want to be associated with any of the people dancing around. Kristin goes outside and leaves BS behind with the crazies. Kristin calls JB and leaves him a message. She says that she's at a bar in Vegas and should be having the time of her life, but she's not because JB's name keeps popping in her head. Then she tells him that she made a pact with Stacie that she wouldn't call him but she is and she's putting herself out there. She hangs up and forgets she's on a reality show and thinks she's in a movie or something because she pouts her lips and looks out at the Vegas skyline forlorn and longingly. Ridiculous.

Kristin's Room, Vegas. BS walks in and asks Kristin what happened to her last night. Kristin says that she came back to the room as she eats an ice cream sundae in bed. BS asks if Kristin wants something else for breakfast and she says "Champagne". Then BS notices that the shower is running and asks Kristin if she has a guy in her room. Kristin tries to be coy and then BS asks who it is and if she should leave. Kristin says no and admits to making a booty call. Just then, JB emerges from the bathroom and BS is stunned. He goes back into the bathroom to put some clothes on. BS reprimands Kristin and asks what happened to meeting new guys in Vegas.

Vermont Hotel Bar, Los Angeles. Audrina is meeting Derek (JB's friend) for drinks. Audrina tells him that her sister is having a little boy. Then Derek asks if Audrina has talked to JB. Audrina says that she met with JB and he told her that the last 4.5 years meant NOTHING to him. Lie. Then she says that JB told her that Kristin did something to him that no one else ever has. True. Derek says that Audrina should never have to deal with that shit. Audrina agrees. Then Derek tells her that JB is in Vegas with Kristin and BS. Audrina says that JB is a d-bag and he will never change. Derek says that JB is a selfish guy. Audrina tells him that she feels like she's been on a roller coaster for the past 4.5 years. UGH! I hate it when girls play the victim. Seriously?? He told you THROUGHOUT those 4.5 years that he didn't want a girlfriend and yet, you persisted. Jeez. You teach people how to treat you and you taught JB to treat you like shit. I'm not saying he's not a d-bag, but you're idiot for letting it go on for 4.5 years. ANNOYING.

Derek asks Audrina if she's really done with JB. Audrina says that she's done and that this is the last time he'll hear her talk about JB. Derek is skeptical, but nods. I'm skeptical, too, Derek.

A Casino in Vegas. BS tells JB that she's glad that he could make it. JB looks at her suspiciously and asks "really?" Then Kristin says that it was sweet of him to come. JB says that he hopes he doesn't hear differently later. Heh! He knows these girls too well. JB asks Kristin if she thought he would come. She says she didn't think he would. Then she acts like a jealous girl and asks if JB ever drove to Vegas for Audrina. JB says he doesn't think so. That's not a "No" but I'm guessing she'll take it. Then he asks if she would do the same thing for him. Kristin says "Not if you were going back and forth between me and Audrina like you were." JB calls bullshit and says that he could say the same about her and Brody. Touche! They all do shots and decide to have a fun night!!

Rick's Cabaret, Vegas. Kristin's black fur vest has multiplied into a black fur coat. Ugh. The three of them are going to a strip club. I'm sure BS is very excited to hang out with Kristin and JB. Third wheel. Maybe they'll have a threesome ala Gossip Girl?? The girls are having a blast as is JB. Kristin announces that she wants a stripper pole and tells JB that she's going to learn to do all these things. Gross. Kristin and BS both get lap dances from the lovely ladies of Rick's Cabaret. JB is totally turned on. Gross. I'm not a prude, but this whole scene is making me uncomfortable. I think it's the players. JB and Kristin start making out and BS yells that she's feeling like a third wheel. That's because you are, BS. JB wants her to feel included so he tells Kristin and BS that they have to kiss ... and they do.

Speidi's House. Charlie comes over and Spender shows him a pregnancy test box that he found in the trash. Charlie asks if Spender did the sushi/alcohol test and Spender tells him that he was correct. You know, if this was anyone but Heidi, I'd say that Charlie and Spender are totally dumb with their suspicions. But, because Heidi is actually dumb, it actually makes those guys look smart...well, about this anyway. Spender says if Heidi is pregnant, then GAME OVER. Not sure what that means. Charlie says if she's pregnant then Spender will have 9 months to read a lot of books about being a daddy. Heh. Spender says that he will have a serious meltdown if Heidi is pregnant. Spender says that he knows if he has a kid, the kid will try to kill him. Charlie (with a straight face and actually serious) says "the whole Oedipal complex? Yeah, a lot of kids have that." haha. Charlie tells Spender to talk to Heidi and soon before they hear the pitter patter of little feet. Then Charlie says that he has a book of baby names at home if Spender wants to see it. Spender tells Charlie not to make fun and that he just wants to be depressed right now.

Palazzo Hotel, Vegas. Kristin and JB wake up and her voice is almost gone. JB asks her how she's feeling and she says a lot better than she should be feeling. Kristin tells JB that she's glad he came and that it made the trip really fun. She asks him what happens now...you know, in the "real world". She asks him if they are going to hang out when they get back. JB says "we'll just have to see when we get back." HAHA. That's not "YES"!!

See you later this week for the FINALE!!