The Hills, Season 5, Episode 517

Last time on The Hills: Audrina and Kristin had a "confrontation", Kristin dumped JB because she doesn't "do excuses" and Sponge Bob is still a tool.

Vinoteque, LA. Brody and Kristin are having dinner. Brody calls her "Mrs. Bobby". Heh. She tells him that JB is long gone and she's onto the next. She immediately asks what is up with Jayde. Brody says he doesn't talk to her, so Kristin asks what he can or cannot do. Brody tells her she's being flirtatious and Kristin says that as far as she's concerned, Brody is single. Bad things are going to happen. I can feel it.

OPENING CREDITS

"On To The Next"

Speidi's House. Heidi and Enzo are playing with Heidi's new puppies. Heidi has serious issues. Sponge Bob comes out and she tells him AGAIN that she wants a baby and a family. LET IT GO. You just got married...give it some time. Jeez. I get it. He doesn't want kids and you do. But give it time or get divorced. This is painful and annoying to watch. He tells her she's being selfish for not considering his feelings and he got her these puppies who are their little babies. Heidi gets pissed that he keeps comparing the puppies to babies. They are not the same. Sponge Bob tells Heidi that they can talk about it in 10 years - which is not a bad idea since they will be 31/32. Heidi yells "NO" because she wants a baby RIGHT NOW. Oh good lord. Seriously? They got married 2 months ago. I hate to do this, but I kind of agree with Sponge Bob. They are too young and they JUST got married. Wait a few years. Make sure that you really want to procreate with SPONGE BOB. What's the rush?? If she went to college and had a real job, she wouldn't be so desperate to have a baby to feel complete. Enzo comes up and says "Spender is mean. I don't like him." I LOVE IT...SPENDER!

Fratelli Cafe, Hollywood. Audrina and Lo are having lunch. Audrina tells Lo that she's going to see JB and she's feeling torn. See, this is the problem with girls. They over-analyze and over-prepare for something that might not be in their control. She feels a spark with JB, but isn't sure if she wants to get back together. What if HE doesn't want to get back together?? It would make this whole conversation/over-analysis session completely moot. Girls are dumb sometimes. Lo tells Audrina to be careful because she doesn't want to have to give JB another nickname. Heh.

Kristin's House. Kristin is telling BS that she's sick of her clothes and models some outfit and asks BS what she thinks. BS tells her she looks like a power ranger. HAHA! Kristin tells BS that she went on a date with Brody and it was easy and fun and she had a great time. BS says that Brody has always had a thing for Kristin and then asks Kristin if she thinks it's a rebound thing. Kristin says it's probably easier going through this break with Kristin around but she doesn't think it's a rebound since she and Brody have been "friends FOREVER." She's such a rebound.

Linda's House (Brody's mom's house). Linda gushes over Kristin. It's mutual. Kristin tells Linda she is the BEST MOM of a boyfriend. Linda tells Kristin that she's adorable, too. Apparently, Brody gave Kristin a dog, Bentley, when they were together. But somehow, Linda inherited him. Then Linda asks if anything is going on that she should know about and Kristin and Brody both say no. Then Linda tells them that they make such a cute couple. I never really liked her, but poor Jayde. How f'ed up is it for your boyfriend's mom to be gushing all over his ex-girlfriend while you're still technically with him. I mean, they are "on a break" but not broken up for good, right? Weird ... and sad.

Los Angeles. Sponge Bob and his friend, Charlie, are walking to a Urologist's office because Sponge Bob is considering "cutting off his nuts". While I don't think it's a bad idea because the thought of Sponge Bob procreating is disgusting to me, this is not something to consider without consulting your wife who is DESPERATE to have a baby. Sponge Bob goes in and thinks that a Vasectomy is like a faucet that you turn off and then on again when you're ready to have a baby. Dr. Safir sets him straight. He tells Sponge Bob that a Vasectomy is considered a permanent procedure since the procedure to "undo" it is not guaranteed to work. Dr. Safir goes through the procedure with visual aids and Sponge Bob decides not to go through with it. He didn't realize it was permanent and he's not ok with that.

Playhouse, Hollywood. Brody, Kristin, BS and Taylor (Brody's friend) are all at Playhouse having a good time. Kristin asks what they are doing and Brody says they are hanging out. Brody asks Kristin if she sees a future with him and she asks if he sees a future with Jayde. Brody says he can't predict the future. In walks Jayde and her playmate entourage because apparently Playhouse is the only club in Hollywood! Jayde and her "girls" sit down and then encourage Jayde to go say something. So they all get up and Jayde comes up to Brody and asks him: "What the F*** are you doing?"

Brody: "I'm having drinks with friends."
Jayde: "We're on a break. You don't just date other people."
Brody: "I'm not dating anybody. We're just hanging out."

I wonder how Kristin must feel knowing that every guy she's dated so far refuses to admit that he is dating her. HA. For some stupid reason, Kristin stands up and tells the girls to all go away. Brody, correctly, tells her not to get involved. Too late.

Kristin: "Get your friends outta here."

"Don't push me." "Bitch." I'm not sure who said what but there is fighting and drama and yelling. HAHA. Brody yells for them to stop causing drama.

Kristin: "Jayde, you and your f***ing friends need to get the f*** out of here." Why? Kristin STFU. It's NONE of your business. Brody pushes Kristin out of the way and tells his buddy to hold her back. Brody tells Jayde "Stop it. This is about you being so psycho. That's exactly why we broke up."

Kristin: "Get the f*** out of here."
Jayde: "Are you f****** kidding me?"
Kristin: "F*** you, Jayde."

Brody calls Jayde "crazy" and they all leave Jayde and her playmates behind. Now, I definitely think Jayde should NOT have approached Brody. She could've left quietly and called him the next day. That being said, Kristin sucks. She should NOT have gotten involved. You know Brody is going to get back together with Jayde and then it's going to be super awkward with Kristin and Jayde. Dumb.

Kristin's House. It's hard to tell if Brody spent the night or just arrived this morning. I feel like he might have spent the night because Kristin doesn't offer him coffee. Instead, as she's walking downstairs, she yells "Brody, do you need coffee?" That sounds like a "morning after" shout out. Kristin brings up the craziness from last night. Brody feels guilty and says they shouldn't have even gone there together. Kristin says that if that's going to happen every time they go out, then she doesn't want to deal. Um, whatever, Kristin. YOU CAUSED THE DRAMA. Brody could have gone outside and talked to Jayde. It only escalated when Kristin got involved. Dumb girls bother me. Brody wants to know why everything is so complicated and no one is even married. Oh, Brody...you keep dating dumb girls, that's why! Kristin says that she doesn't want to get in a relationship again if she's going to get hurt because Brody is going to get back together with Jayde. Brody says, as of right now, there's no chance in hell. He's 100% certain. He's an idiot and she's dumber than she looks if she believes him.

Speidi's House. Enzo and Sponge Bob are playing tennis on the Wii. Enzo says that he likes playing with Spender and Sponge Bob says that they should only play together once a week, not everyday. Sponge Bob tells Charlie that he hasn't told Heidi about the doctor visit. Enzo asks if Spender is sick and why he went to the doctor. Kids are not stupid. In walks Heidi and Enzo spills the beans...Sponge Bob went to the doctor. So, Heidi asks why he went to the doctor and Charlie takes Enzo outside. Sponge Bob tells Heidi that he heard of some 7 minute procedure that was temporary but was basically a vasectomy. But he found out it was permanent and didn't do it. Heidi is PISSED. She tells Sponge Bob that she never lies to him and he says that he didn't lie. Heidi says that he kept it from her which is a lie. Sponge Bob disagrees. He says a lie is when someone asks you something and you don't tell the truth. True, Sponge Bob, but Heidi is talking about a lie of omission. Heidi says that not telling your wife something that's life changing and that important is lying. I'm with her. She's so dramatic. She says "You knew I wanted kids when you married me. So it looks like marrying me was the biggest mistake you ever made." DRAMA...

Cayenne, Los Angeles. Audrina meets up with JB to tell him that she might be willing to try again. UGH. Audrina comes in and tells JB he looks good and he says ... nothing. Not a good sign. Then she word vomits on him. She likes him and it would be amazing if they could work things out and get back together, but they have a lot of working out to do, blah, blah, blah. JB's response "I don't know, kiddo." Yikes. Audrina says she's cold and JB tells her that he can't offer her his jacket because he doesn't have anything on under it. WHAT? You can't find a clean T-Shirt? Dumb. Audrina asks why JB wasn't at Heidi's birthday party and JB said that he knew Audrina and Kristin were both going to be there and he wanted to avoid conflict. Audrina asks if he's still with Kristin, JB shrugs and Audrina says that she thought Kristin was with Brody now because they came to the party together. JB kind of smirks and says "yeah." Audrina says "sorry" and JB tells her that she doesn't seem sincere. They kind of bicker a little. Then JB gets annoyed and tells Audrina that she told him to leave her alone, so he did. Then he starts seeing someone and Audrina starts dating one of JB's friends. So he asks Audrina what she wants. She says that she thought they were cool after the last conversation, but she hasn't heard from JB. Then JB drops a bomb. The reason he agreed to meet her tonight was to finalize something that isn't there between JB and Audrina. He should have stopped there. But, he didn't. He tells Audrina that she pushed him away which is why he was pushed into Kristin. And Kristin did something to him and he had something with her that he never felt with Audrina. So, basically, this is Audrina's fault. But really, who gives a shit!?!? Audrina, he's doing you a favor. Why would you even consider going back to this loser?? MOVE ON. So, Audrina is upset and gets up and leaves. She sits in her car, cries and then drives off. He's not worth your tears.

See you next week.