The Hills, Season 5, Episode 518

Last time on The Hills: Kristin caused drama, Justin dumped Audrina, Spender was an idiot.

[For this post - and perhaps future posts - Sponge Bob will be Spender]

Grub, LA. Kristin and Brody are having brunch. They start reminiscing about the good ole days. Kristin tells Brody that Jayde texted her and wants to have lunch. Brody says that Kristin would be stupid to go ... so obviously, Kristin is going.

OPENING CREDITS

"Can't Always Get What You Want"

Office of Dr. Jordana Mansbacher, LA. Heidi goes to see the couple's therapist alone. Heidi tells the doc that she's married now and that's good. BUT, she wants kids sooner rather than later, but Spender doesn't want kids...at all. Which is not entirely true. Spender just wants to wait a few years. Heidi says that she thinks he wants kids, he just doesn't KNOW that he wants kids. Dumb. Heidi says that most 25 year old guys would say that they don't want kids if you ask them. Doc disagrees and says that there are a lot of guys who are more family-minded. Is that a word? The Doc says that before you get married it's really important to make sure you're on the same page about a lot of things. Heidi interrupts and says "We're already married. So, we're here." She's totally right. The doc is stupid for even saying that...maybe she should have said that BEFORE they got married. Dumb. The doc recovers and tells Heidi that she should wait on the baby thing. I think doc sees the writing on the wall for Speidi and the writing says "DIVORCE". Heidi asks "what if I go off the pill and surprise him?" Um, you mean "trap him"? Heidi: "Then he would be faced with having a kid and maybe he'd get really excited." Yeah, that always works out really well. If I were the doc, I'd say "Look psycho. That's a really bad idea." Instead, this doc says that Spender might feel like Heidi tricked him if she does that. Um, ya think? Then the doc says that the decision to have a baby has to be a rational decision not an emotional one.

Hollywood Billiards, Hollywood. Brody and his buddy, Taylor are playing pool. Frankie walks in and greets his friends. Taylor fills Frankie in on the fight between Jayde and Kristin. Then Taylor says that he likes Kristin and Brody together because Brody is much more fun when he's with Kristin than when he is with Jayde.

Citizen Smith, LA. Kristin is meeting Jayde for drinks. Jayde says that neither of them want to be there but she needs to talk to Kristin to find out what is going on. Kristin starts right in by asking Jayde if it would've been better to do this BEFORE "storming" at her with all of Jayde's friends at the club and cause the "biggest.scene.ever". Jayde says "not really, because..." and Kristin cuts her off and says "No? Because it's better to attack me at a club?" Ok, WTF? Kristin is delusional. Jayde did not "attack" her, she confronted Brody and KRISTIN involved herself in the confrontation. Jayde didn't bring her in. Kristin = dumbass. But, so is Jayde...I digress.

Anyhow, Jayde tells Kristin that she didn't attack Kristin. Kristin says she got hit and Jayde says that she did, too. Kristin says that Jayde was the instigator and Jayde says that she didn't come up to them to talk to Kristin...she went up there to talk to Brody. Kristin snarks to Jayde "Well then you might want to keep his leash a little tighter, Jayde". Jayde tells her that Kristin doesn't know shit about her relationship with Brody and Kristin getting involved is not helping. Kristin says that she's been friends with Brody for FIVE YEARS and she's never tried to come between him and Jayde. Jayde asks Kristin if she can see how it looks from her perspective.

Kristin says that if Brody was really happy with Jayde then she'd be happy for Brody, but he's not. Jayde tells Kristin: "Just because you've been back in town for a month doesn't mean you know what's going on. So for you to sit here and act like you know that he's not happy is bullshit." She's got a point. Jayde asks Kristin why she can't find any guys in the entire city of Hollywood besides JB and Brody who have been in relationships with people Kristin knows. Oh dang! Kristin gets defensive and tells Jayde not to bring JB into this. Kristin tells Jayde that she gave Audrina the opportunity to talk to her like Jayde is doing but Audrina blew her off so she doesn't owe Audrina anything. Jayde says that she doesn't like Audrina, either. Kristin asks again why Jayde is bringing up JB then. Jayde says that it just seems like a pattern with Kristin to date guys who are kind of still involved with their exes. Then Jayde says "Everything was fine before you came here, so you need to go back to wherever it is that you came from..." Kristin interrupts and says: "You're a real bitch. You are such a bitch, Jayde. I have to tell you, like, you're a bitch." And Kristin storms out.

Ok, 2 things. First, I hate it when two characters I don't like fight with each other because I feel compelled to side with someone I don't give a shit about. In this instance, it's Jayde. I think Kristin is being stupid and she should just remove herself from the drama instead of fueling the fire with name calling. So dumb. Second, Jayde is young, but she's clearly had botox or some other work on her face because she has NO EXPRESSIONS. Her forehead doesn't move. It's weird.

Toast, LA. Kristin is having lunch with Lo. So weird...they are not friends. Kristin fills Lo in on Jayde. Kristin and Lo call Jayde an animal because she attacked Kristin. But Kristin says that she respects Jayde for calling her to talk because Audrina never did that. Lo wants to get back to the Jayde/Kristin drama. Again, Kristin's delusions surface. She says that Jayde started by telling Kristin that she and Brody are getting back together and are in love, yada, yada, yada. Um, when did that happen? Did they not film that? Lo asks if she thinks deep down Jayde and Brody will get back together and Kristin says "no, no, no, no, no". Me thinks you're wrong, K.

Cafe Midi, LA. [Totally unrelated. I think I need a road trip to LA to try all the restaurants these people go to.] Heidi and Audrina are having lunch and Heidi asks what's going on with Justin. Audrina says she doesn't know. WTF? Then she says that JB is hung up on Kristin and Heidi says that if it wasn't Kristin, it would be someone else. So Audrina says it's finally over. Hmmm. Not sure I believe that. Heidi changes the subject to HERSELF and tells Audrina that her sweet little Enzo let it slip that Spender went to the doctor to get a vasectomy. Ok, Enzo did not say all that but, we'll let that one go. Audrina says that a vasectomy is like a slap in the face because Spender is saying he doesn't want kids with Heidi. Heidi agrees and says that it means Spender doesn't want to have kids with her EVER. Heidi lets Audrina in on her psycho plan to stop taking birth control and have a "surprise plan". She's an idiot. Audrina just laughs. Heidi says that if she has a baby, it'll make Spender realize how much he wants a family and Heidi thinks they need a family, so she's making the call. Audrina covers her face with her hands and says "Oh my God!" I can't tell if she's laughing at the drama/psycho-ness of Heidi's plan or she's laughing at the trainwreck that will come from it succeeding or if she's crying at the possibility of Spender procreating. I would be doing the last one. Heidi says that she always gets what she wants. Audrina just keeps laughing.

East, LA. Brody meets Jayde for drinks. Jayde says that she met up with Kristin for drinks and Brody says that Kristin told him. Jayde says she's glad Kristin told him and that Kristin was CRAZY. Brody says he doesn't know WHY Jayde wanted to meet up with Kristin in the first place. Agreed, Brody. Jayde says she wanted to be an "adult" and tell her to back off and leave Brody alone. Yes, Jayde that's very adult-like and mature. Brody says that he and Jayde aren't dating so he's allowed to do anything he wants. They go off topic because Brody interrupts Jayde and she tells him to shut up and he says she's being rude. So they are rolling their eyes and arguing about not being nice to each other. RED FLAG, people!! They tell each other they don't want to argue with one another. Jayde says that she came to dinner because she wants to work things out even though he's been a jerk to her lately. She knows he's not a jerk, in general, and she misses him and she wants to get back together. Brody smiles. That's exactly what he wanted to hear.

Philippe, LA. Kristin and Brody meet up for drinks. Brody tells Kristin that he met up with Jayde. Brody tells Kristin what he and Jayde talked about while Kristin rolls her eyes. Brody tells Kristin that he cares about Jayde and he loves her and wants to get back together with her. Then he says that he cares about Kristin, too, AS A FRIEND, and if he gets back together with Jayde, it could affect his friendship with Kristin. Mmmm-hmmm. Kristin says that she really hopes it works out for Brody if that's what he wants. Brody says that she doesn't sound enthusiastic about that. Kristin says it's because she doesn't think he's really happy and she doesn't think it'll work out. Kristin starts bitching about Jayde and her meeting with her and Brody comes to her defense. Kristin says that she "can't do this". She can't be in the middle of all this: JB and Audrina, Brody and Jayde. THEN GET OUT, KRISTIN. NO ONE DRAGGED YOU INTO IT, YOU PUT YOURSELF THERE. DON'T ACT LIKE A F-ING VICTIM! Kristin tells Brody that the fighting is not worth it and that he could be with a much better girl.

Speidi's house. Heidi has the house totally decked out in candles and mood lighting. She's dressed nice (and by nice, I mean, slutty. She might be wearing a negligee) and made him dinner. Spender is stunned and suspicious. Heidi says that she just wanted to make her husband dinner. Then she asks if Spender wants to "say grace". WTF? Spender is still stunned so Heidi says that she'll say grace: "Heavenly Father, thank you for my amazing husband who I love so much. Thank you for this meal. Thank you for my outfit. Thank you for everything you've done. In Jesus name, AMEN." Um, thank you for my OUTFIT??? These people are crazy. Spender asks what's going on. Heidi says that she's feeling settled in the house and into married life and this is how it should always be and she always wants to cook for him. Spender says that he's very impressed. Then he thanks Heidi for forgiving him for going to the doctor without telling her and thanks her for the beautiful dinner. Heidi tells Spender that she realizes that she was putting too much pressure on him about kids and it's her fault. Then she says she wants them to start fresh and she'll take the pressure off. Wow. What a manipulator. Evil.

Kristin's House. Does Bartender Stacie LIVE with Kristin. She's ALWAYS there! Kristin comes downstairs and tells BS that Brody and Jayde are back together and she's bummed. Kristin didn't think they would get back together. Then, Kristin perks up and tells BS to listen to the message she got from JB. JB: "Hey Sweetheart, this is Justin. I just wanted to call you and let you know that I ended everything with Audrina. I just felt that you had to know that. I hope I talk to you and see you soon. Bye." BS says that it was a nice message and asks Kristin what she's going to do. Kristin says she's sick of this town and ALL the boys in it. Um, you've only been dating two of them and they are both in your small circle of "friends". BRANCH OUT. BS tells Kristin they should get away for the weekend. Kristin: "We should go to Vegas." BS: "Done." Kristin: "We should go now before we change our minds. Let's go pack." And, they are off to Vegas.

See you next week...